Yet another one

Submitted by Nomad on Thu, 14/04/2011 - 22:17

Nomad's picture

I discovered this place via the Guardian and sad to say I only noticed the article as it mentioned porn.

I've been pretty well hooked on porn and pretty much self disgusted for years. I've tried to stop a few times, but stress or some excuse has always led me back to it. Thankfully its "just" the soft stuff, but I'm aware of how its warped my outlook of life and that is not good.

Hopefully I can get some advice from here and finally quit for good. I've wiped my computer and I'm hoping I can finally kick it and be able to look myself in the mirror again without thinking I've something to hide.

Packed in two days ago and have to admit the desire is quite strong right now, but my desire to pack in is stronger. I've had enough of all that time wasted and the self loathing and all the rest of it.

Good luck. Day two here too. I've got my diary at my side. Amazing how just writing the urges down gives you the time to let the feeling go. All the best.

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Hi Nomad,

It sounds like you've already taken some major steps to getting out of the porn rut - I definitely found the first couple of weeks the hardest for fighting urges, and it became easier to deal with from then on.

Don't worry if you slip up - try to recognise what led to the slip and if there are any changes you can make to your routine to avoid it happening again. I slipped a couple of months after I quit - it was due to me coming home from the pub and switching on the TV to watch the freeview phone-in channels. Now if I'm on my own after a night out, i won't turn on the tv or pc. Breaking old routines and rebuilding new ones really helped me.

Also, I found an American site that helped me when I was quitting (I didn't know about this website at the time). The podcasts really helped http://candeohealthysexuality.com/category/blog/the-candeo-podcast/

There's a few religious bits in there (not my thing, but each to their own) but it really helped explain the whole addiction cycle and the scale of the negative effects porn has in society. I'm probably biased at this point, but I can look on most problems in the world today and relate them to porn!

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Thanks both (he says having just remembered to also clear his phone of any history). I'll consider a diary and I'll look at those podcasts.

As for the religious element, I had a strict catholic upbringing before being introduced to the Jehovah's Witnesses for some years. It took me many years before I got over my fear of eternal damnation for masturbation. Now, if they are right, I'm doomed for a fair few eternities :) Shame many religions rely so much on guilt and fear. I'd have had a much nicer adolescence had I not been a guilt shackled person who'd been told sex before marriage was WRONG.

Anyway, back on topic, nice to realise I'm not the only one with this problem and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll look at some computer restrictions as well (which will at least give me pause, especially if I can password them with a written down complex and stashed away password) and changing my habits so that the danger times are avoided.

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I am glad to hear that you are joining us in our fight against pornography. To me, it's my Catholic upbringing that is helping me cope with my long-time struggle with masturbation and porn. And yes, I still do believe that sex before marriage is wrong. Like you, I struggled with the idea of why these acts are wrong when they are "victimless." What helped are the "Theology of the Body" books I've read or talks I listened to. They opened my mind as to why the Catholic Church's "NO" on these acts form a unified "Yes" to God's plan and design for our body. Essentially, these (the book and the talks) explained how our bodies and sexuality are gifts and misusing them will only lead to hurting us or our loved ones. You probably know how this is so since you are on this website.

Regarding guilt: the western society demonizes guilt as if it is the evil itself. Guilt, if coming from a healthy and well-formed conscience, can be a good thing. It needs to be watched in check, though, because it can easily (and I can't stress this enough) lead to despair. What I am trying to say is that guilt is not necessarily bad and can even call us back to what we are meant to be.

I understand that the religious aspect is not everyone's cup of tea. All I can attest to is that I will not be where I am now if not for learning more about the Church's teachings, supplications and the sacraments she made available to me.

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keep going mate, we are all in it together. Religion is one I have also looked back to when I feel weak, not because of guilt but the thankfulness and support to continue with more meaning, on top of partners, children, job.

My desires come and go, if you watch addiction on telly it feels exactly the same, one pop and you want more. I am still stuck on the idea of does quitting online also mean abstenance.

Good luck

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This one has me too.

I'm figuring that I will try and abstain, but if the desire for porn becomes really more than I can bare, then I will get away from a computer and relieve the pressure and myself. I hope not to, but I think getting away from porn and how it makes you feel and all is more important than stopping masturbating. I also think that one will come from the other. So the less porn I look at, the less I'll feel like masturbating. Thats the theory.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it though. Porn is the thing I dont like as it takes loads of time and screws up my mind, masturbating (not to porn), takes minutes and doesnt hurt anyone.*

Anyway, back to ironing...

*Though I now have the "Every sperm is sacred" song from Monty Python in my head... luckily I've had the snip, so I'm totally guilt free ;)

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The amount of live sperm that has left my end with no where to go is scarey, even the greatest dictactor out there couldnt beat that. I kind of agree with what you are saying but I think its getting to the root of what you are trying to achieve. Mine is to wxxk less. Porn facilitates this but makes you wxxk more, longer, and too more perversive stuff, I think I have to still go down the absentence route but let my partner provide the much needed relief, I think this makes her feel part of the healing process and naturally brings us closer, but this is to my situation, yours may be different. If I was single I would be trying to meet someone and putting the effort into banging them instead of taking the route I took as growing up which was to hide away and pull off. The thoughts are constantly in my head and it still comes up to say hi, especially with telly and summer now but Porn will not fill the void. I hope at the very least I can get a balance where I can still wxxk and be close to my wife and do away with the deamon porn fix.

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Some of the posts are touching on a very interesting discussion point which is the relationship between masturbation and porn in the context of problem porn behaviour.

Sometimes people ask "if I stop looking at porn, can I still masturbate?". The answer is that it depends on whether masturbation is a trigger for your porn viewing behaviour. If you start to masturbate and this always leads to a very strong urge to look at porn then it's probably best avoided, certainly in the initial phases of recovery.

However, in many cases it can be counter productive to try to stop porn AND masturbation. Our bodies naturally crave sex and masturbating can help dissipate some of the urges you will feel if you stop looking at porn overnight. In other words, it can be an appropriate replacement behaviour for a trigger that would have otherwise led to a porn binge.

Remember that for some people with porn dependency issues, masturbation is deliberately avoided during porn viewing in order to extend the sessions - after all, climaxing is usually the point when our negative feelings of low self-worth and guilt arrives, and we can become so conscious of that that we delay climax intentionally.

In every case, go back to your objectives - why are you addressing your porn issues? Is it because you want your free time back, is it to restore intimacy with your partner, is it to feel in control of your life again....?

Which brings me to the final point. Stopping porn viewing and masturbation at the same time can restore sex drive overnight. This can be the best approach if you have a sexually neglected partner, but be careful if he/she is currently dealing with the knowledge of your porn habits. Despite being negatively affected by a poor or non-existent sex life, if they are now dealing with emotional and trust issues as a result of your porn addiction, they might not appreciate your sudden sexual resurrection. Don't let his/her reluctance to make love send you back to your porn.

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This is an interesting post. I stopped MBing a few weeks ago, and stopped porn binges about a week ago. I had thought that perhaps I could look at porn without MB'ing, but in fact, it didn't work very well. I was "edging", and spending hours on end looking at porn.

For now, I am trying to quit both things, for the first time in my life. It seems to be working well, even though it's only been a week. I had intense urges to look at porn for the first couple of days, but gradually those urges receded. I am cautiously optimistic, but hope that the urges don't build in the next few weeks, but instead that the calm and balance I feel now will persist.

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My partner and I see each other only at the weekends and not every weekend, so its kind of hard sometimes to go a couple of weeks or more without any sort of relief. However, in an ideal world I'd not be doing it and thats what I intend to do. Living together would tend to preclude that anyway and we're working towards that.

Reasons for stopping porn are the three reasons you give. The freetime (lowest on the list to be honest), the intimacy and the control. Also I dont want it to lead to anything else, nor do I like the way I'm increasingly looking at women as sex objects. But yes, I want to stop masturbation full stop, though its a bit tricky when I'm on my own for 3 weeks. But I'll see.

My partner doesn't know about my porn problem, in fact she's mentioned watching porn together as she's never seen any. Have to admit I'd nothing to show her, which was a good thing.

On the plus side, my fiancee has just called to say she is going to drive over today, so I think I can hold out a little longer!

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Heya. Its cool that you value intimacy.

Its true, intimacy is pretty special, and porn can dilute the magic. I see my girlfriend on weekends too (though we're in different countries this weekend). I've tried not masturbating in-between also, because I like the fact I'm all hers when I see her. At the same time, I want to say I believe there is a danger of 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater' so to speak. If you're anything like me, well human beings in general, we are pretty sexual creatures. Relief is potentially a natural thing, its just about doing it in a wholesome way, if that's possible! Also, the other thing, self-loathing. In my view, it can lead to good-bad oscillations and a constant sense of instability. I don't know if this the right track, but I believe its important to incorporate all the aspects of ourselves, in a constructive way. If not, they come back to bite us because we left them out. They are us, after all. So I sort of go for 'evolving-in-all-our-aspects' as being the path. I've been through lots of self-loathing too, I'm not saying I haven't. Anyway, hope some of this makes sense and good luck.

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