Wondering what's next
Where to start? First off, I should say that I am pretty sexually open-minded. I don't think that all porn usage is all bad and that I can occassionally appreciate porn myself. Also, an important piece of all of this is that I am a survivor of sexual abuse. It's something that I've been working with for many years. I know that I can not disconnect my trauma from what I feel on a daily basis and certainly not with my husband's porn addiction. I think the underlying theme with my childhood abuse and my relationship with my husband is that I am not put first, and that impulse and desire wins out over responsibilities, commitments and promises.
E has always had a hard time dealing with impulses. Specifically if something fun, exciting, or desirable is dangling in front of him, he doesn't stop to think "mmm, maybe not a good idea." Sometimes he just does it and other times, he sheepishly ask for my permission. Example 1: 8 years, first date was wonderful and promising. He and I had been friends for a couple of years and the thought of something new was exciting. We agreed to go watch a movie later that night after band practice. I waited and waited, and didn't hear from him til hours after we had agreed to do out. He just got caught up in practice. It was a red flad and I knew it, but I still met up with him, had sex and started the relationship. A year or so later, I walked in on him watching porn. He was so embarassed and ashamed and I just tried to reassure him that it wasn't a problem. 5 years I got pregnant, we got engaged and tried to have a wedding before the baby came. I was stressed out, unstable, insecure and then some. E suddenly started watching porn a lot. A lot. Like 4 hours in a day and somehow didn't have time plan a wedding. He didn't want to have sex with me and if you've ever been pregnant and horny, you know when you want sex you must have sex. I tried to join in on his porn watching but he seemed to resent me. Our relationship was falling apart, I was 6 months pregnant and not even sure if marrying him was the right thing. I asked him to go to counseling with me, and so he got stoned before going. I asked him to cool it down and instead he increased his porn use.
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Just spent half an hour adding to the above and then lost it all. To drained to start again. All I know if that I am considering divorce. Pretty sure that E is giving up because he's afraid to try. I can't handle the risks that he takes and the broken promises.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Moving Forwards
Hello Worried,
Thank you for sharing your story.
As you'll know from other posts on this site, you are not alone in your experiences with your husband. Everything that you've done so far (and it's a shame that you lost half of your post) has been open-minded, pragmatic and accepting, yet he hasn't changed. It's neither your fault that he has porn related problems, nor that he hasn't resolved them yet.
That you're considering walking away is sad, but it may be the essential step in ensuring your own long term happiness, after all, you deserve a partner who is attentive, loving and respectful.
Despite all the efforts you've previously made, it is usually worth one more fresh attempt, if you believe the relationship is worth saving. Try to be clear in your own mind what the problems are. In other words, rather than focussing on porn (e.g. "I don't want you to watch porn every day" or "I don't want you watching porn at all"), direct your objectives towards what really upsets you (e.g. "I want us to have couple time at least 4 nights a week", "I want us to be making love at least weekly", "I want to feel that you adore me"). This helps for several reasons; it enables him to see the effects of his behaviour on the person he loves (rather than just being told to change something he either doesn't want to change or doesn't have the energy for), it gives you something to measure, it shows him that he can continue with what he thinks he likes providing other areas of the relationship are ok.
Once you're clear what you want, ask him for time to talk and explain your side of things. Give him time, if he needs it, to go away and come back with how he'd like to proceed. Make sure he is setting his own goals for change, i.e. that you are not imposing goals that he hasn't bought into.
If you really feel that he's not listening then you can use an ultimatum providing you are prepared to go through with it. Make it clear that it's his behaviour rather than him that's the problem. Something like "We've been through this many times now and it's still not working. I love you and I want to work through these problems but I also need to think of my future happiness. If you haven't accepted that something needs to change by the end of this month, then I will be making preparations to leave". The other rule of ultimatums is not to use them if you're worried about him reacting with violence.
Just a few words on his problem. Much will have changed between you as a result of the pregnancy and it might be necessary to re-boot the erotic side of your relationship. For both men and women, sex can become the last thing on their minds during pregnancy and in the weeks after birth. I'm not sure from your post whether the baby has been born and if so how far postpartum you are. I hear what you're saying about horny pregnant women, but even without the porn it's not unusual for male partners to find sex during pregnancy difficult.
That doesn't necessarily mean that his sexual desire has vanished and we all know that porn is a useful aid to quick masturbation; fast food as opposed to a decent home cooked meal.
But of course there are other signs that the relationship needs help; his lack of commitment to the counselling being the most obvious.
Try to consider that whilst porn might be the problem here, it might also be a symptom of other relationship problems. For this reason, keep your positive open mind, and persist with the couple counselling if you can.
I wish you lots of luck with this. It's not your fault, you deserve a good quality relationship and if you can't find it with your husband then your positive, open-mindedness will certainly help in finding a new partner in the future.
Good luck.
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