Why did he ever marry me? Did he ever love me?
Grab a cup of tea, this is a long one.... I met my husband in January 2007. I thought he was the most honest, sincere, loving, and genuine man. My husband is retired special forces and has been a police officer for the past 11 yrs. We were friends for a while before becoming romantically involved. I wanted to get to know him before going down that path with him. After being friends for a few months, we had a whirlwind romance and married at the end of June 2007. I felt I could completely trust my husband. Our sex life was incredible
Prior to our dating, he had told me that he was not into porn at all. Yes, I asked him about this. I didn't want to make the same mistake again - My ex was heavily into porn. And I mean heavily. My ex had to purchase numerous hard drives to store his immense collection, hit the stripper bars frequently, etc. My ex and I still enjoyed a great sex life despite his serious porn addiction. We even would watch a porn together once in a while for fun. But, I always felt jealous, or that I was not "Enough" for him which was ultimately one of the reasons we parted ways.
My husband was adamant that he was not into porn. He said that maybe when he was in his twenties he was, but not now that he is older. (I'm 42, and my husband is 50). After deciding that he was a good guy to date and a quick whirlwind romance we married at the end of June 2007. A week after we were married I asked to use his desktop computer. Upon completing my business on his computer I found an email completely by accident (yes, it was truly an accident) my husband has sent to a company requesting to cancel his subscription to an incest porn site. I was absolutely in shock! Once I caught my breath the snooping was on. I found pics of what I would call “Normal” porn, pictures of nice looking naked ladies that I think anyone would find attractive. Then I found porno pics of much older women naked, and pictures of much older women with young men involved in sexual activity.
I decided to talk to my husband about it. This would become our first argument. My husband denied it. In a subtle way he suggested I didn't see what I was describing. Essentially, he might as well have said I was lying or that I was exaggerating, etc. Because of this, I kicked him out of our bedroom for a while. I wasn’t sure what to believe, but I knew I hadn’t imagined it. A few weeks later I decided to look past what had happened and to accept that whatever it was in the past and to give the marriage a chance. A month later my son was up playing in a closet of his full of junk. My son found 2-3 DVD’s of porn. My son was 10 yrs old at the time. Upon confronting my husband, he claimed he must have had those from years ago and that he had forgot them.
Being that we were newly married and his eagerness to be a couple and put this behind us, I choose to look past the DVDs too. It seemed plausible that he was telling me the truth. Our sex life was great at the time. We had never had problems there. He had such an appetite for sex and our sex life was very enjoyable. I was one happy girl. A few months down the road however, he wanted to do some things that I’m just not into. He mostly wanted anal sex or just play with my bum in general. I had told him I was not into it, and didn’t enjoy it. After fooling around on several occasions it became clear to me that my husband was not going to get aroused or would not have sex with me unless I let him do these things. The last 2 times my husband and I were intimate, we started off doing ok. But then my husband started in on the whole anal thing. Not honoring my “No, l don’t want to do it like this” I jumped out of bed, put my clothing back on, and left. I was deeply upset by this. The 2nd time that happened was the last time my husband and I were ever intimate which was November 19th 2009. We had only been married a little over 2 years. A few months later I had to do an audit of his bank accounts for the IRS and in doing so, I found out that he had been spending anywhere from $200-$450 a month on porn sites or porn type dating sites. I learned he was doing this behind the back of the previous girl he had been dating before meeting me. I ended up finding his profile on a couple of them, hacked into one, and found that he had been writing back and forth to various women. This had been going on for a number of years prior to our first acquaintance. These charges stopped on bank account within a month or two after he and I first met however.
Since November 19th 2009 my husband has not wanted anything to do with me physically. He does not kiss me, hug me, and make any type of advance towards me, nothing. He no longer tells me he loves me, and does not want to be around me. My husband does not want to talk to me either, and hates the sound of my voice. We tried marital counseling 3 yrs ago, and again 2 yrs ago, but he went twice and never went again. I’ve continued to get counseling. My husband’s obvious addiction to porn has come up, but I never understood why and it’s not heavily discussed.
About 6 months ago I found on my husband’s cell phone where he had google’d “Mature F….ing.” I learned he had found a website that has all kinds of porn, and it appears he goes to this site frequently and is always searching “Mature” women type of porn on this site. This site also has a free dating website. I have no idea if he’s signed up for it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was. Because of that, I live on the assumption that he is indeed signed up for the dating site. Over time our relationship has deteriorated. My husband has become quite controlling and abusive in both private and in public. I have sought help, and I am now in the final phase of my exit strategy / plan. With times being tough and not having a job for the better part of our marriage it’s taken some careful planning and a lot of patience. Still, I feel I am in a good position right now and I’m looking forward to starting over again and enjoying a new life. I’m optimistic.
Well, yesterday my son had to go up to his room where he was sleeping and give him a msg. My son told me that when he opened his door, my husband was lying naked on the bed watching something on his computer. Once my son walked in, my husband shut the lid on his computer asap. My son told me about it. My son knew what my husband was doing, and it made him uncomfortable. So today after work I decided to investigate. When I opened his laptop and logged in, he had left the last website page up that he was looking at. It was the same site that I found on his cell phone. What struck right out to me was that he was doing a search on this site on “Mother Boy.” This would be the reason why there were several pictures of various incest type pictures and their captions on the page, depicting older women with daughter’s, mothers with son’s best friends, etc. engaging in sexual activity. I also found that he looks at sites for ‘lonely cheating housewives’ or sites that depict just the trashiest older women porn. These women aren’t even attractive. Could this be due to his very poor southern upbringing?
So, what I want to know is… Why? Why is he doing this? Why older women? Why is he so interested in “Mother Son” sexual activities or incest type pornography? Is there a chance he is remotely thinking about my son in that capacity? Is that why he married me, because I was a single mother of a 10 yr old boy?
At one time my husband was often referred to as the biggest woman hater in town after his own divorce. His ex-wife was 7 yrs older than he was. Is he still pining for his ex? His Mother was a very attractive lady, whom had married many men. She ended up dying of Aids about 10-13 yrs ago. He has never spoken badly about her, but has mentioned his Grandmother was terrible to him. Did his Mother abuse him? Is that why he is constantly surfing for “Mature F***ing” or mature whatever? Would I ever have been able to get him to open up? Is there still a chance of my husband opening up? I’m quite certain there is not, but I’d like to know from your point of view.
I have been told that my husband withholding sexual relations with me is another form of abuse and to have control over me. Is that not true? Is it that he is just not into me? Was he ever into me? Could he possibly have ever really loved me? I get the feeling I was never my husband’s “Type” if you will. I am 8 yrs younger than my husband, and I come from a white collar upbringing.
My husband continues to deny any and all porn surfing activity. He’ll never admit any of this in a million yrs. Even after I confronted him and showed what I’d found on his phone. For the most part, I despise the guy now. My heart is just broken. I was once a very beautiful gal. Now I’m a fat cow that has stopped taking care of herself. There are some days I dread even going into town or to the movie theater. I am completely embarrassed by his activity and I wonder how many women in our smaller community have had relations with my husband on these porno dating sites. I have read your posts and though I know it’s not my fault or my issue, I can’t help but to think there is something so very wrong with me. One thing is for sure however – I might be fat but I’m still a hell of a lot more attractive than any of the women he’s looking at.
My husband has blamed me for the past 2 yrs for his reasons of not wanting to be with me physically or intimately. He has said since the time things went awry with us, that he wants nothing to do with me because I am such a bitch. I know I'm not a bitch, not to him, nor anyone else. Sure, I have some moments, but overall I have remained pleasant all of this time even though its very hard to smile some days. I get that him saying that is just an excuse to wipe his sexual booger on me. But, I'm left wondering - Was there anything I could have done? Is my husband beyond repair? It's so hard to not believe I had something to do with this, at least at the beginning. How would you suggest, or what advice can you share with me, that will help or guide me to feeling better about myself after all of this? I want to rise up and see the sun again, and be that beautiful flower that existed once before. I’ll get there. I will. But for now, any advice or help would be most appreciated.
I want you to know that though bittersweet, I am very thankful for this site. In what I have read so far has been helpful and very informative.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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I"ve got to go to work (I'm
I"ve got to go to work (I'm the other side of the Pond), but no, there isn't anything you can do. He has a serious and from the sounds of it very long term porn addiction.
To me, it sounds like he gets (or wanted to get) his kicks from humiliating you by having sex with you in a way you found degrading and uncomfortable. I've come across a person like that myself and it was not pleasant. In my case, I was able to say "I'm not happy with that", but I could tell it was something they wanted and things were not quite the same after.
The type of porn someone is into does (usually) tend to be reflected in the type of sexual relationship a person has or fantasises about, so sadly (and concerningly), if he is into older women and incest porn and you're an older woman (though not as old as he likes by the sound of things) with a child, then it doesnt take a genius to figure things out. I also wonder if he intentionally let your son see him naked as part of his kick. That is a guess, but I know when I was naked and looking at porn, my hearing was fully on and no one ever wandered in my room without me having had time to cover myself or close things down. But bottom line in answer to your question "Is there a chance he is remotely thinking about my son in that capacity? Is that why he married me, because I was a single mother of a 10 yr old boy?" is sadly yes. He finds that kind of thing a turn on, I dont know why and I dont want to know why to be honest. I can not understand people who are into child porn at all. He has a problem.
As to the reasons why he is into what he is, God knows and to be honest, that is his problem. Porn addicts start off with normal stuff and gravitate to something deeper darker and sometimes sicker. I dont know why people choose to get off on people who are ugly, who urinate over themselves, tie themselves up, are obese, into kids or whatever, but they do. I guess we are all very different. Maybe his mother wasnt nice to him and never showed him love and maybe this predisposed him to wanting to "punish" womenkind, but who knows. My mother never showed me any love (I've never received a hug from her in my life) and my father was abusive (and keeps this up to this day with mental and verbal abuse) but I dont blame either of them for my porn use and I was never into porn about abusing older women or being beaten. Whatever his problem, its not yours and its obviously deep rooted and not one he is interested in changing.
From your perspective, porn aside, you are in a loveless marriage with a guy who is abusive and cant stand you. The whys and wherefores and all that about the porn are irrelevant now and you will go nuts trying to figure him out. I dont think you can change him. I dont think he is interested in changing. I think he thought he could have his fantasy world made real, but I dont know him at all, so I'm just guessing. I do have concerns for your son though, so I am glad you are planning to go.
As for you, I would recommend doing what I am doing today. Get yourself down a gym, get on a diet and get back to who you were before this man made you feel so bad about yourself (which porn does and is what appears to have happened). It is never too late to get fit again. Yes it is tough (I could hardly walk last week after my first session the Friday before), but I'm going again today. I'm not fat or anything, just not as energetic as i'd like to be and I dont feel quite as good about myself as I'd like to. Trust me, I'd be happier staying in bed an extra hour, but if I want to change, I have to make an effort.
So, forget the desire to understand him and fix him and get closure or whatever else. You just get the hell out of a really shitty marriage. The reasons why are not as important as the fact that you're with someone who cant stand you and who you despise. Get out of there and get yoruself back to the old you and find someone else. Not everyone in the world is a sick porn abusing weirdo... least I hope not! I better check my fiancee's HD! I wonder if all that "Scrabble" is a cover! ;)
Right, have to get to work I'm late. Take care over there and stop analysing and just get planning your new life and rising up once more.
hey there
i was once in a relationship with a guy a little like that, only he told me it was because i had put weight on that he didnt want to have sex with me and instead watched porn, i continually reminded him that i had gained weight having his child but no joy there. in the end he slept on the sofa and i had the bed, my daughter had her cot in with me and he never did anything or spent any time with us.
the first 6 months of my daughters life i cooked and cleaned and kept our daughter busy while he did nothing and showed no interest at all for us. the best think i ever did was break out of there, my step mother offered me a place to go and i took my child and left.
it seemed so hard at first, i left with just a suit case of things, i cried as we got in the car and sulked for months afterwards because the man i fell pregnant to had changed so much for the worst. after 3 to 4 months i found a friend who i wasnt to know would be my future husband, he helped me though it all and is the most amazing farther to my first child. allong with another of our own we got married and moved into a wonderful house.
its not such a happy ending as now myself and my husband are struggling through his own porn addiction..... but hes managing it, it took so much to trust him again in the first place and now we have to build that all up again. now i wonder if any man will ever be entirely worth my trust.
anyway, best of luck for the future, get yourself out of there while you can and let yourself and your son be free x x x theres light at the end of every tunnel if you just walk far enopugh x x x x
Your Objective
Hello IFS,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story which I know will be a helpful to others in similar situations.
As you can appreciate, discoveries of a partner's porn problems vary enormously and what stands out from your own situation is how much you have tried to make the relationship work in the face of resistance, deception and abuse from your husband. I was really struck by how much you'd done 'right' from the up front request/query before the relationship began to the attempts to soften your own rules to the numerous conversations you've initiated about the problem. The one thing that cannot be said about you is that you haven't tried, so when you ask 'was there anything else I could have done?' let me reassure you, emphatically no!
I want to pick up on some general points. Often people have different ideas about the acceptability (or otherwise) of porn in a relationship, but largely those expectations are not discussed up front. When porn use is later discovered, problematic or otherwise, both individuals can feel the other's requests are unreasonable and this is difficult to resolve without one feeling that they've 'lost' whilst the other has 'won'.
You showed a lot of responsibility and foresight to raise the subject of porn before the relationship really began and here was his opportunity to say "you know, I do like porn, I don't think it's relationship-threatening and it would be sad if we couldn't find a way to make this work". Instead he lied and allowed you to make some life-changing decisions with false information.
So, despite your clarity that porn was unacceptable (for you) and his agreement, you found yourself one week into marriage having an argument with him about his porn subscriptions! This was his chance to own up but instead he denied it and forced you to make a decision - leave the new husband you have built your future around or look past the discovery and hope that's the end of it. But a month later there's another find and this time it's your 10 year old son who finds it. On top of the further betrayal now you have the shame of explaining the situation to a child and the fears about the impact on him. And still you give him another chance because of all the good stuff in the relationship.
Which brings us to the most disturbing part of your story, the point at which your new husband attempts to have non-consensual sex with you. This is absolutely unacceptable behaviour. You should not be put in a position where you feel that "it became clear to me that my husband was not going to get aroused or would not have sex with me unless I let him do these things". No! Consent is the basic requirement of all sexual relationships, no matter what flavour. And in any case, he hadn't complained about sex up until that point, it had been great - to make you feel that his arousal now depended on you going beyond your boundaries showed a deep lack of respect for you.
In addition to the various attempts to compromise your own requirements you say that you have also tried couple counselling and he has backed away from that. After all this struggle your energy and preparedness to make this work must be incredibly low. He has successfully worn you down and you now feel trapped without options, but that's not the case.
I think you need to think very carefully about whether you are prepared to go on like this. Your relationship is in a very difficult place where you're not communicating, there's no sexual interaction and where you feel very negatively towards one another. Given all the efforts you've already made it is the right time for an ultimatum. The basic rules of an ultimatum are to use it only as a last resort and to be prepared to follow through with it. Don't say 'this' needs to change or I will leave if leaving is impractical, unsafe or something you're unwilling to do. You will undermine your position if he sees this as an empty threat. Ultimatums are also unsuitable if you suspect a violent response.
You need to know that you deserve happiness. You have a strong capacity for love as you have shown and it's wasted in a relationship that's so one-sided and disrespectful. I know it takes energy and strength to leave, which is why you need to think through what your objective is. If you know he will not change and are not prepared to live like this for years to come, then use that as a catalyst for action.
It sounds like you're concerned about the way you look or the person you've become as a result of being with your husband. If you feel you need to end the relationship then be reassured that if you learn to trust again there will be lots of available, decent guys who will love and cherish you. Do not fear that your husband has turned you into an unattractive person, his behaviour has simply made you feel like that in this relationship.
Finally onto your questions about the porn. Frankly I think they are irrelevant to the situation - no answer to these questions will change this from an intolerable relationship to one that you're happy with. But I will give some brief insight since you asked.
Firstly it's clear that you didn't cause this. Your husband had these interests before he met you and I would expect them to continue, even if he stopped looking at porn. Incest porn is very popular but it's not usually cause for alarm in the terms you suggest. It is incredibly unlikely (given the large number of people looking at this type of porn) that someone into incest porn wants to act out with their own family or is even thinking about it.
The thing to remember is that we look at porn for a sexual kick; the end goal is orgasm, the mechanism is usually masturbation and the porn is the stimulus. Whilst we see porn 'types' (e.g. mature, incest, bondage, group), it's on another level that these work. So for instance, with incest porn an individual might be turned on by feelings of disgust - this is also common where straight guys look at gay porn or also with mature porn. The reasons for being turned on by disgusting images might go back to early experiences with porn as a child - being simultaneously aroused and revolted by what we see.
There might also be elements of submission or domination - often in incest porn, where the ages are different (mother/son as opposed to brother/sister) the scenario involves coercion or force. An individual looking in this way may have control issues - perhaps feeling out of control in their own life or wanting an escape from too much control/responsibility.
Is he beyond repair? No, but then he needs to be the one to decide to change and there's no sign of that here. Don't beat yourself up trying to be his saviour - you've tried very hard already and now is the time to save yourself.
Given everything you've already done I think you need to think about one final effort to retrieve the relationship (if you haven't already decided to leave) before putting your future first and taking steps to move on. Some of the questions you have will never be answered, but if you can imagine a future where you are valued within a great relationship, you won't need the answers.
I wish you lots of luck and thank you again for sharing your story.
Many Thanks!
I want to say Thank You to you all for responding to my post. Thank you for taking the time to read it, I know it was a long one. Each of you gave me a lot to think and your advice has helped me out tremendously. I hear loud and clear that my husband's porn addiction, 1. Has nothing to do with me, 2. There was, or is, nothing that I could do or could have done to stop it, and 3. That my husband's had an addition to porn for a long long time now. Long before he met me.
Do you know what a burden that is off my shoulders? I can't thank you enough. This has really helped me to understand and know without shadow of doubt that our sex life, or the lack thereof, is not my fault or anything that I could have changed. I also recognize now too, and I agree, that the last couple of times he and I were intimate the things he was doing or wanted to continue doing was a total breech of my boundaries. I also agree that my husband has a serious lack of respect for me. I would almost say he has a serious "Hatred" of me. Why he feels this way towards me or why he does not respect me I'll never know. At this point, I couldn't care less as to the "Why's" because it’s not going to matter at the end of the day anyways.
I do plan on leaving. I have for a long time. I've even told him I want out and why. I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row. Financially and logistically. I think part of me was wishing something would happen for him to turn his life around. But, after carefully reading through these posts a number of times, and really thinking about things, I did give him an ultimatum last week. I don’t expect it to make a difference, nor am I expecting any miracles. Of course, he denies looking at porn or accessing it. He seemed to have no clue as to what I was talking about. Imagine that! Ha! So, I've made it so that he can’t access porn on his phone anymore. I've also signed up for internet security on our home dsl router so that adult/porn/sexual content will be blocked. (Thank you OpenDNS). I realize that where there is a will there is a way, but hopefully this will stop any further discoveries by my son. I just can't have that happening anymore.
I'm am very saddened that my marriage didn't work out and never will. I have been quite sad for a long time now. Not because he specifically has issues or that I fear the loss of him specifically. I believe I've had a hard time with the situation because in the end, even though I know his porn addition is not my fault or anything I could have done to changed, it’s still another big rejection in my lifetime. I have my own issues; feelings of abandonment and rejection are at top of that list. Things that stem back to my own birth. I've had a lot of time and counseling to deal with my issues, my husband has yet to start. His porn addiction will never go away without professional help. I'm convinced of that. I do not ever see my husband getting help. Not even short term help. I'm aware that there is absolutely no hope for my marriage or my husband for that matter.
On a positive note, I decided to get involved with my son's football team and Booster's club. I've never been so busy in my life! But, it’s a good kind of busy. I help the coaches, sometimes I watch my son practice. I decorate our streets for upcoming games. He just had his first game last week, and the next day was the varsity team's first game. I've never watched football in my life, so it’s been rather an exciting learning experience. I got a haircut, bought some new clothes, and made myself up nicely for the games. I even have lost a few pounds along the way. I felt like a million bucks! It was so nice to get out and be around other people, other parents, people that are couples and in love. It was nice. I haven't had a good time like that in a few years now.
I've also started walking, and doing more around the house. I have a lot of work to do. Going through our belongings, quietly packing up a few things here and there. Your right - I put in so much to this relationship without getting anything in return. I have been exhausted. Mentally and physically. Also because my husband lays all responsibility of the house, the maintenance, the cars, our dogs, etc all on me. He’s always been too busy upstairs “Sleeping” in his room. So it’s time I do for me. For myself and my son.
Thank you very much for all of the kind words, inspiration, and information.
I’m feeling alot better. :)
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