Unhooked from porn, one step at a time

So you've read the advice sites, joined a porn addiction support forum, bought the self-help books, listened to a podcast. And things are looking up; you feel less alone and more aware of what makes a porn addiction tick. Perhaps you've had success too, limiting the cravings and feeling, well... not quite so obsessed.

But why hasn't the porn habit gone for good? Despite all the self-honesty and effort, why do the urges still seem to bubble over sometimes, sending you back to those familiar old porn sites? Self-installed blockers get switched off, curtains are drawn, doors are locked and recovery gets put on hold for "one more look". Afterwards, it feels like we're right back at square one.

For many of us, this is an inevitable part of the healing process. Yet it doesn't feel much like healing; it feels frustrating and rubbish. It's as if we reach a plateau; the habit ritual has changed and impacts us less frequently or intensely, but it's still an unwanted habit. We don't want this thing in our lives, period.

At these times, it's useful to refocus on what you are working towards: change. I know we all (myself included) talk in terms of 'quitting' and 'recovery' and 'breaking free'. These are usually the long-term aims, of course. But realistically, day-to-day, we are working towards making a change. A different experience, a measurable result, a real difference.

Looking at porn every other day instead of every day is a change. Looking at porn once every two weeks is a change. Noticing urges that are 5/10 on the strength scale instead of overwhelming 10/10 is a change. Looking at porn for an hour instead of four hours is a change. Looking at porn without compulsively masturbating is a change. Feeling bored after looking at porn instead of spiralling into self-loathing and despair is a change. You get my drift here.

Once we get started on this momentum of change, it's much easier to work step-by-step towards the end goal. And I'm not talking 12 steps.

This whole scenario is very common, and it's something I actively work on with therapy clients. I'm continuing to learn too, and will be sharing some new insights and techniques on this site.

The key is to keep building awareness of triggers and patterns, and stay open to trying new ways to manage and replace urges. Notice when you negatively judge or evaluate yourself or your habit. There's no need to argue or agree with yourself, just notice. Remember that as long as things are changing, you are moving forwards. And give yourself due credit for this.

In the meantime keep your total recovery goal in mind, and don't put your life on hold until you feel like you've reached it.