Trying to quit again
Apologies in advance for the length of the post but felt like I had to get a few things off my chest, there are a few controversial views in the post as well so I'm sure I will get flamed to some extent but I'm ready to defend my positions.
Hi everyone. This is not my first time on porn addiction forums but this seems like one that is more suited to me. A lot of them that I have seen so far have been very religious and that is people's primary motive for giving up. I don't have a problem with that but that is not the case for me.
The issue for me is firstly an ethical one, in that although I try to rationalise it to myself I don't really believe that porn is good and healthy and secondly that I tend to use it as a crutch, i.e. if I am feeling bad or to avoid doing things that I know I should be doing. I am trying to become more motivated and organised in my life and I believe quitting porn will help me do this as I will have a lot more free time. Also I want to be less of a hypocritical person because I do believe that being promiscuous and things like that are not healthy but I still get turned on by it which makes me question myself a lot because I am not in my mind living up to my ideals. Also I will come out and admit now another aspect of this is that in real life for example I do not agree with interracial relationships. I'm sure I'll get flamed for that but that's just the way it is, I have no problem with other races but simply believe we should stick to our own race's. However when viewing porn I sometimes look at interracial things as well, again this makes me lose some of my self respect. I still don't believe that interracial relationships are 'right' but I am obviously turned on by it, probably because it is a 'taboo' and precisely because it is wrong in my mind.
I don't want to get into a big debate on here as to why I think these things are wrong but I just wanted to lay my cards on the table and see what others have to say. I think that our society has a very double-sided and hypocritical view of porn in general. On the one hand people are generally very much against porn stars being teachers or in other positions of responsiblity yet the majority of men consume porn. Also most men who watch porn probably wouldn't want their own daughter's or mothers doing porn. These strike me as very hypocritical standards and I think that the only reason that most men are 'pro'-porn is because they are selfish, they want to fulfill their own desires without worrying about the fact that these girl's that they are masturbating over are some other man's daughter or mother.
Me and my girlfriend have just amiably seperated after just over 1 year relationship and she was always very anti-porn from the start and made it very clear that this was a 'deal breaker' for her. I.e. if she found out I was doing it she would end relationship. She did suspect me of watching it throughout but never actually caught any but her views really made me challenge my own and think about them more clearly. I had always thought that viewing porn was wrong for the reasons given above but had never really had the guts to admit it fully to myself as it would have meant that what I was doing was wrong and I would have to try and give it up. However now I realise it is wrong and I am comitted to stopping completely.
I have tried to give up a number of times but the most I've managed so far is around 3 weeks. During this time I felt very tense and very sexually frustrated and also like I had a lot more energy. Every time I quit I keep coming back to it and the number one reason is usually that I convince myself that there is nothing wrong with it. However I am going to try again and I will keep trying until I quit for good.
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Hi Cheeseface, I read your
Hi Cheeseface,
I read your story and many elements of it have been seen on this site. Keeping focused on the porn side of things, the comments you made about men been selfish(porn), getting a secret kick out of something you don’t rationally agree with and trying to justify that there is nothing wrong with porn, using as a crutch etc are all classic signs. As has been said on this site, it’s hard to stop something you have enjoyed for years. The way a lot of people look at it on this site and myself included is not that porn is wrong necessarily but why we feel we need it and you cannot argue with that part of the brain. Keep been motivated and more organised and have something else to look forward too.
I know not everyone feels
I know not everyone feels that porn is wrong, but personally I do. I am trying to keep motivated and organised, thanks for the encouragement.
Change Doesn't Need A Reason
Hello Cheeseface,
Welcome to the site. Everyone who visits this site to discuss their problem porn behaviour has a different story and a different set of reasons for why they wish to change. Whilst these reasons are important to them, they are not critical to the success of the change process; in other words, your chance of successfully stopping porn is not determined by the strength of your reasoning.
And so it is with you. You have ethical concerns about porn, these make you feel hypocritical because on one hand you are opposed in principal to porn and the specific things you see, but on the other you enjoy and benefit from looking at them. If this is your reason for change, then fine. The approach is much the same; set your goals, record your triggers, develop substitute behaviours, manage relapse, surf urges etc.
Just a couple of points on the broader points you make. I think that there's a difference between fathers 'wanting' their daughters to go into porn and being against the idea. Parents might not 'want' their children to collect rubbish, clean toilets or sweep the streets but it doesn't make them hypocritical for benefiting from others doing it. OK, it's a slightly glib analogy but from accounts I have read it would seem that the parents of porn actors tend to accept their son or daughters choices providing it has indeed been a 'choice'. But you're right that there are more people disowned for going into porn than going into restaurant work.
As for the interracial thing...you're quite entitled not to want a partner of different race in the same way that someone else might prefer blondes or brunettes. But steer clear of telling others that it's 'wrong' cos you probably wouldn't be here today if it hadn't happened at least once in your lineage! Others are just as entitled to make different choices to you and you wouldn't appreciate them telling you that what you're doing is wrong.
As for interracial porn, a couple of things could be going on here. 'Disgust' can be an important element of eroticism and porn as many of our earliest sexual experiences are defined in this way - think back, when you first saw naked women how did you feel? There's a lot of porn which is enjoyed because it creates feelings of disgust and that can include (though it's not always the reason) mature porn, gay porn (for straight men) and overweight porn. Perhaps for you, interracial porn works in a similar way.
Another explanation is a controversial one for you. Some times we find that when people are particularly vocal about something being morally wrong they're in the process of dealing with their own leanings towards it - I'm specifically thinking about the legions of people with anti-gay agendas who turn out to be homosexual. Is it possible that in fact you are drawn towards an interracial relationship yourself but that this makes you feel very uncomfortable?
Back to the beginning - good luck with your pursuit for change and I hope you find lots of support from the forums.
Nathan: Firstly to address my
Nathan: Firstly to address my efforts to stop watching porn I have started using k9 and will just be trying to use my willpower as usual, although I am aware my reasons don't necessarily affect the outcome of my effort, although surely they have to on some level as if I didn't have any reasons for quitting I wouldn't make the effort (hope you followed that)?
To address the issue of the morality of porn. It is true that many people do not necessarily want their children to be dustbin men etc. but the difference is that most people would admit that even if they do not want their child doing it they think it is a necessary job and most would not be too forthcoming in heavily criticising dustbin men, as they realise they are doing a necessary and worthwhile job. However the issue with porn is slightly different, as you alluded to. For one thing porn is not in my opinion necessary at all. It will always exist to some extent but it is not necessary to our survival or even our current level of civilisation in the same way that a dustbin man is. Also while a job as a dustbin man might be degrading to a certain extent because of the 'dirtiness' of the job it is not 'intentionally' humiliating or degrading. While on the other hand a lot of porn is explicitly or implicitly made to somehow degrade or humiliate the female in some way.
As for people accepting the fact that their children do porn, I don't have any statistics on this but it wouldn't surprise me if this is the case. However it hasn't always been this way and not many years ago this would not have been the case and many sex workers would have been shunned instead.
My view of porn is one that may seem very hypocritical and strange coming from someone who is a self confessed porn addict but I believe that we should make pornography illegal and have nationwide firewall's that are capable of blocking it similiar to those in China. Now, although I realise that pornography will always exist to some extent I believe that you could limit it's use massively by making it illegal and blocking the majority with filters. In that case it would probably be fairly hard to find online meaning far fewer people viewing it. The government could then focus on prosecuting anyone who distributes it online or in physical form, i.e. magazines, DVDs, etc. while either not prosecuting users or simply having fines or something similiar. A similiar approach as is used to prostitution at the minute essentially (at least in the UK).
Now regarding interracial porn. First of all I will admit first of all that yes I do find some women of other races attractive, to the extent that I could become aroused by them, however this goes for most women in general for me. However I do believe that overall the white race is the most physically attractive. Yes it does make me slightly uncomfortable sometimes I must admit as I believe that interracial relationships are wrong however on the whole it doesn't bother me much. This is because I believe that you cannot really control your thoughts or your desires, what you can control is how you act on these desires, and what bothers me more than having these desires is actually viewing porn related to them because in this way I am even indirectly (i.e. by increasing page traffic) funding this kind of activity which I disagree with.
To address your point that I should not tell others that what they are doing is wrong. I believe that I have this right as does everyone else. They have the right to believe that what I am doing is wrong as well.
Thanks for the welcome.
Porn is Not the Enemy
There is a link between your assertion that interracial relationships are wrong and your solution for curbing your own porn use, as you probably realise. In both cases, you feel that because you're struggling to resist something, that everyone else should be denied it too, that way it's easier for you. But you must see how flawed this argument is? Some people struggle with alcohol, others with compulsive exercise regimes, others with videogames. If you ban all of these things what will any of us be left with? And that's not to mention all the jobs that would go including from services that support these industries - transport companies, hotels, graphic designers etc. Porn isn't even illegal so where you get the idea that the government could just ban it from it's very unclear.
But your point of view is clearest when you hold up China's fearsome censorship regulation as an example of how your idea would work. There is a cost to this kind of oppression.
It would be disingenuous to suggest that you're the only person to think that banning porn is the solution. When we feel gripped by something so easily identifiable it's the obvious solution. It's an egocentric viewpoint however, to assume that everyone else must feel the same and we can become increasingly angry that no-one is doing anything about it. But unfortunately that's not the case. No matter how crippling porn can be to our own lives, to the majority of others it's something to take or leave.
Which brings us back to reality. Unless you move to China, no one else is going to take responsibility for your own problems and therefore you need to look to resolve it yourself. It's an essential point to realise because it's possible to take the attitude that you need to wait for the universal ban on porn before you can resume a normal life. But like the alcoholic who learns to walk past the liquor store, you too need to make the changes in your life that reduce your triggers and equip you with replacement behaviour strategies.
My issue with porn and the
My issue with porn and the reason I believe it should be banned is not as I said so that I do not have to take responsibility but instead so that other people do not fall into the trap of porn. Now I take on board your point about alcohol and videogames but the difference between those and porn is that the other two are healthy in moderation when porn is never healthy. I believe that the only type of porn which should be acceptable is possibly just simple nudes of women. I believe all other kinds of porn to be unhealthy and lead to an acceptance of degenerate behaviour within society. As for your idea that porn will never be banned here, I do not know were you are but here in the UK the government is already talking about making porn an opt in service on the internet, so that it is banned unless you specifically ask for it, and moving all porn sites to a .xxx suffix for ease of censorship. Don't forget that until fairly recently, i.e. the 80s, most porn was banned and it's not very long ago that even masturbation was considered a sign of mental illness and degeneracy. If public opinion again turns against these issues then we could see a return to censorship.
I would also like to point out that one of my main reasons for wanting a ban on porn is not really to stop people looking at it, but instead to stop the exploitation of oftentimes young, naive girls in a business that is only concerned with making money and doesn't care about the people in the films.
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