The emotional games are the toughest for me to deal with – KA’s story

Hi, I’ve written to you before. The truth is almost all the stories in here could be me. I was amazed at the feelings these women were talking about, before I even knew there was such a thing as an internet porn addiction I had the exact same feelings. The emotional games are the toughest for me to deal with.

When I met the man I’m living with my thoughts were ‘he’s so open and honest at least I won’t have to wonder what he is thinking and feeling’. That is about as far from the truth as I could get.

I’m 2.5 years into this relationship, and I’ve come to the conclusion that its not going to change. It’s been emotional roller coaster, from the beginning, I just had no idea what I was dealing with. The women that said he was emotionally unavailable was right on. I can tell when he is disgusted with himself for wasting so much time on porn and I can also tell when he feels like he needs his fix.

Before I knew that people actually could get addicted to porn I started see the problems, like hardly ever having sex, or just being distant. The no sex part is hard for me because I’m a very sexual person, I need the skin to skin contact and also to feel like there is a connection, other than the one we have living our day to day lives. I have tried in every way possible to explain to him how much this is hurting me. He says he loves me and none of its done with the intentions of hurting me.

In the beginning when I would bring it up he would get angry and say I’m just like all the others and I’m just trying to change him or control him. Now when I find something on the computer he lies and tells me it wasn’t him. I’m tired, sad and very hurt. With him it’s not just the porn its also the dating sites where he says he is single or he puts in the relationship status ‘complicated’.

When I found this site it was a relief to know that I wasn’t completely crazy and that others had the same feelings as me. I keep coming back thinking I’m going to find an answer that is going to make this all better, by now I know that is not possible. My conclusion to this is there is no happy ending.

I do love him but I can’t continue to be hurt and betrayed. I feel like if he was going to quit, the pain and the anger from all this would have made him understand. I’ve also found out this problem is why his other relationships ended. I am 50 and I was married for 20 years to a man that was emotionally and verbally abusive. So to find myself in this situation makes me wonder whats wrong with me. I decided I need to get some help so that I don’t end up like this again.

What’s really sad, is that we get along in every other way. I can not live with him knowing that this will always be between us.  The pain, anger and frustration is unbearable.

Thank you KA for sharing your story. It’s good to know that reading the other accounts here has provided some reassurance during this horrible experience.

It’s certainly true that porn addiction hijacks the essential connection of the relationship. Apart from the obsession with porn, wives and girlfriends generally describe their partners as decent, loving, family men. They have invested their emotions and trust into relationships with these guys, often over the course of many years.

In so many ways, living with a porn addicted man is more emotionally excruciating than becoming estranged. There are still flashes of rapport and attraction. There are the nagging doubts of ‘did I cause him to do this?’ and the unique loneliness. When it all becomes a ‘convenience relationship’ interspersed with mood swings and lies, every day grinds your self-esteem and hope.

His anger and accusations illustrate his state of denial and defensiveness. And it’s clear that he’s been here before, and his destructive habit came long before he ever met you. We can only guess why he so desperately clings to his habit, but it is not a reaction to you. You may have been tolerant and patient with him, but you are definitely not the cause of this.

So he needs to wake up. I often recommend setting a firm deadline for change, and making him completely aware of the deadline even if he continues to deny the issue. A big part of his denial game is willing you to police and nag him forever; therefore he will always feel justified in doing what he does. So it has to be a real deadline.

I wish you every success in resolving the issue, or if he still resists this opportunity, in finally breaking free.