Stopping never seems to happen – NC’s story

NC kindly submitted an account of his own addiction experience, and it raises some intriguing points:

I always thought my story was a bit different as I never considered myself addicted to internet ‘porn’. I was however slavishly addicted to locating and saving images and videos of women doing everything from posing for tourist photos to indulging in S&M practices. Nevertheless, over the years I must have amassed tens of thousands of examples in which women are the ultimate providers of titillation.

This all started when I first got behind an internet connected computer of my brother’s about ten years ago. I was unaware of things like internet history so after a couple of late night sessions he started to check. I quickly became devious in the art of covering my tracks and in the process became a bit of a windows OS expert. When I got my first proper PC about two years later I’d literally spend every night scouring the web for more images. The S&M thing began to take over and I found myself acting out web scenarios with my partners. This usually involved them dressing up in ludicrous ’sexy’ outfits and administering me corporal punishment. She would say she didn’t mind but I eventually knew I could barely enjoy sex without S&M. Not all my partners were into it, so I rarely hung around with ones that didn’t. I knew I had a pretty strong fetish addiction but as I lived alone I never really challenged myself on it. It just seemed the best way to spend a quiet night after a couple of drinks. Sometimes I’d stay up till dawn or use recreational drugs to aid the experience though the best ’sessions’ were when I’d come home with a new fantasy to research and get straight on the computer. The rest of my life I managed to keep separate from the addiction.

When I met my current partner some 5 years ago we started acting out S&M fantasies quite regularly. She was young, attractive and tall, and I loved being dominated and made to carry out perverse acts on ‘her’ behest, though I always controlled their nature and content. There was a strong link with these role plays and the results of my hours spent trawling the net. She made the understandable point that sex wasn’t just about S&M fantasy so I retreated somewhat. The death of my mother coincidentally brought about the end of the fetish sex with my partner, though I continued to spend many hours on the internet.

Moving into pastures new I found women’s clothing worn by beautiful models to be equally satisfying. I’d now comb the web for legitimate sites of women in fur coats, gloves, high heels, whatever took my fancy, though still never pornography as I considered and still do consider that degrading and cheapening. When it came to moving into together I knew my internet passions would have to go underground if they were to survive. Any time my partner was out the house for long periods I’d log on and use the variety of secret methods I’m sure other readers are only too familiar with, in order to horde imagery. My partner twice caught me in a short period of time, I ‘fessed up but grossly underestimated the size of my addiction. She remarked that it was weird me looking at images of women fully clad (albeit in leather and fur) and I think she possibly found this more bizarre than classic ‘porn’ one might expect. She was right in many ways, my addiction was and still is quite perverse, though I’m sure I’m not the only one who indulges in this non-nude variety of ‘porn’.

Things carried on the same with me going through the familiar patterns of building up huge folders of images, feeling shameful and deleting them. Many times I swore I’d end the foul habit, normally after a long session. I’d delete the files with good intentions only to restore them days later. I’ve been ‘caught’ twice at work (the most recent was attempting to view an anti fur site in the hope of finding young female celebrities adorned in fur, so had to pretend to be an animal rights sympathiser to keep face.)

I like many of your contributors heard the radio four broadcast in January one morning and literally stopped in my tracks. I knew exactly what Jason was talking about. It was only then that I started to consider myself affected by the issue, previously putting distance between my ‘high fashion’ and ‘fetish’ addiction and those sad losers trawling the net for smut. It turns out we’re one of the same.

Of late I’ve made ever increasing attempts to stop. Most of March this year I was free of the habit, but got straight back into searching for images when I upped the capacity of our home wireless connection. I’d love to end this degrading addiction, that leaves me longing for rainy weather to justify not going out or my partner working late so I can safely get behind the screen without fear of interruption. I still indulge, though now I feel a bit like a 21st century smoker who is constantly reminded of their unpleasant habit. I check the website often to read stories of fellow sufferers, though often go on to downloading more images when I’ve read a bit, thinking ‘I’ll stop doling this ‘when I’m totally ready or when it gets to be a big problem’. The fact I’m writing this indicates that it’s obviously bigger than I care to mention, though dare not share my feelings with anyone, especially my loving and beautiful partner. I know full well what to do – stop – though it never seems to happen.

I hope this makes sense and fellow readers can share these frustrations.

Thank you NC – I’m sure that many readers will be able to empathise with your situation and observations. For starters, you list some addiction indicators that will probably strike a chord with everyone in the audience.

Firstly, there’s the ‘moving in together’ crunch time. Living alone with an internet connection, we’re often aware that our porn surfing/collecting is getting out of control, but it’s contained by our privacy. So we don’t leave the house for the weekend – who’s to know? We might even explain it to ourselves as a hobby or ‘quality time’. When the prospect of living with a girlfriend arises, a whole new inner conflict sets in.

We certainly do become experts at hiding the evidence too. History erasing, hidden drives, password-protected folders… even private internet connections and car boots full of CDs and disks have been confessed. Such elaborate measures often become part of the addiction routine; the porn addiction ‘game’.

During a recovery period, when we are enjoying some success at turning the habit around, the ‘inner addict’ still seeks out justification to slip back into the old routines. It’s simply part of the recovery process. After so many hours interacting with the computer, technical upgrades and novelties are a commong trigger. A faster internet connection, some new P2P application, a fancy new flat screen… “I’ll just road-test it with some porn, seeing as I’ve got things under control…”. For ongoing recovery, such slips need to be kept in context; it doesn’t have to signal a revival of the old habit.

Fetish and fantasy are very common elements of the porn addiction mindset, and it makes for a complex, heady mix. We resent our habit and the fallout it causes us, and this leads us to feel victims of our unique sexual tastes and preferences. From my perspective, recovery is about moving on from the routines and guilt trips of the habit. It often means gaining insight into our needs and feelings of emptyness; the deeper issues that drive addictions. It helps to get fetishes into perspective, but recovery isn’t about trying to bottle up these urges or persuade ourselves that we need to be ‘normal’ from now on.

There’s no denying that hours spent absorbing pornography can amplify the appeal of an innocuous fetish or kink. The porn industry does very nicely out of blurring the line between healthy fantasy and unhealthy reality. When it leads to unsettling behaviour or demands that trouble your relationships, it certainly does need to be challenged and addressed as part of the addiction problem.

Now I appreciate that I continually refer to pornography, and your habit is focussed around material that doesn’t really fall under the ‘porn’ classification. This raises some interesting points. A compulsive attachment can form to any material or media; we get our titillation in many various ways. Such variety is the most natural thing in the world, until it gets hijacked by unwanted, compulsive routines.

Our values are a major factor here too. It’s interesting how your respect for your own values has filtered the desire to look at typical ‘porn’. We can all relate to this too; people with the most long-standing struggles with porn addiction are repulsed by illegal and abusive porn, and have nothing to do with it. They take a self-respecting stance based on our values, and exceptions to this are a very small minority of people.

Part of the recovery process is utilising our values and applying the same self-regard to our day-to-day behaviours. We never wanted to play destructive games with ourselves or fritter away so many precious hours. We never foresaw that shutting ourselves out to get off to 2-D images would hold such immense appeal, but addiction slipped in under the radar. We never consciously opted for the feelings of guilt and hopelessness that result.

I’m sure that most visitors to this site are questioning their habit and putting out feelers for change. I know that my words on this blog are no magic bullet for porn addiction; if that was the case, I’d be extremely wealthy and you wouldn’t have a habit! However, I’m confident that resources like this site help spread some clarity about a very common problem. This builds into motivation and confidence, and a recovery plan begins to take shape. We all need an approach that works for us and our individualty.

Thank you again for sharing your insights, and I wish you every success.