DB kindly shares his account of first coming across porn sites, and how easily a distressing obsession can develop:
I had little interest in porn before the Internet, I had never even bought a pornographic magazine.
My problems started around 3 years ago when my health began to fail due to a still undiagnosed neurological condition. I was off work for around 6 weeks and spent most of that on the internet researching my symptoms, most of the medical stuff utterly depressed me. I convinced myself I was serioulsy ill. Mentally I was all over the place and was prescribed Diazapam, an anti epileptic drug and anti depressants. I began looking for anything to take my mind off my health and followed some porn links that popped up on my yahoo messenger.
I spent days trawling this site and the sights they linked to. I then progressed to downloading films from share sites. Ever since, I have spent hours looking at porn, sometimes the stuff on my computer, sometimes online porn and sometimes one would lead to the other.
It began to take over my life, I began neglecting my wife, choosing instead to stay on my computer and would go to work on little sleep only to do the same thing the next night. My neurological condition seemed to come and go, but when it was bad I’d drink whisky and take diazapam to feel better and then inevitably end up back on my computer in a trance like state.
I’d think about porn all day at work and would dream it at night. My self esteem got lower and lower, I just felt like a zombified slave.
As time went on, I became more indiscrinate about which links I followed and came accross unsavoury sites. Stupidly, I had let my virus protection run out and got infected with all sorts of viruses that would load up pages I didn’t want to see including some that really disturbed me.
I realised that generally the material on the net seemed to be getting more and more unstable and risky yet I just couldn’t stop. I began to realise that I had a problem but was too embarassed and ashamed to talk to anyone about it. The crazy thing is I loved my wife and didn’t feel the need for anyone else I just couldn’t stop browsing.
A month ago we had a baby daughter and I used this positive aspect as a focal point. I purged my computer, bought virus software, I have installed net nanny with all porn blocked and I am in the process of changing my ISP to BT who apparently black list and block nasty sites.
The change I have felt in the last 4 weeks has been extraordinary, I feel liberated, I enjoy my time with my family and wife infinitely more and I genuinely believe that I will never look at porn again.
Can I just add that I admire what you’re doing, I don’t think poople realise just how dangerous the internet has become. It appears to be absolutely saturated with all types of porn and I thinks it’s getting worse. I’m not sure what the answer is, but as far as I’m concerned the easiest way is to avoid it entierely.
A harmless search for online distraction that became an overpowering addiction to pornography; I often speak with people who have run into this very problem. Temporary escapism from illness, unemployment, financial worries, relationship difficulties, bereavement; let’s not deny it: porn certainly delivers. An instant realm of anonymous, unlimited fantasy and distraction just a closed door and a few clicks away. But there’s a catch, and we all know what that is.
Anything that we turn to for escapism has the potential to become addictive. Just consider how many hours we spend in front of the TV. For the reasons I just touched on, internet porn is dangerously engaging. Unlike drugs or alcohol, we can’t get physically hooked but the ‘porn session’ buzz can be disturbingly similar. You mention the trance-like state, the neglected sleep and the creeping desire to explore stronger stuff. Porn addicts describe an otherworldy buzz, a feeling, a taste in the back of the mouth, a slipping of time. We’re talking about a surge of brain chemicals here, after all.
Despite all this, it pleases me to read the very positive side of your story. With a new arrival in your family, you’ve been able to build on the positivity and fresh start surrounding this lovely event. All of this, combined with self-awareness and genuine motivation, has empowered you to be completely accountable and take deliberate action for change. It’s great news indeed.
Thank you for submitting your story, and for your words of encouragement. I wish you every ongoing success.
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I’d like to say that I can relate too so much of what DB has said in his piece, I think he is so right when he says porn addiction or porn use is a form of escapism from aspects of our lives which are distressing or hard to deal with such as unemployment. I’ve been out of regular paid employment for over a year (coming up x2 years in Sept) and in that time I’ve struggled hard with my porn usage as I’ve been at home with a computer & internet access so the temptation has been ever present. But I have recently started to let go of my porn usage and am feeling much happier in myself and am not suffering from depression or self hatred & migraines any more. Access to porn is just way to easy if you have an internet connection & a private space but the side effects or after effects of porn are horrible & I wouldn’t wish them on anyone else. But at the end of the day I have had to make a choice my happiness & a feeling of well being verses depression & feeling miserable.
Alex.