Only porn fulfills my fantasies – JH’s story

In this Share Your Story submission, JH explains his dilemma over the appeal of porn:

I am a 24 year old, currently living with my parents whilst studying for a Masters with an intent to move in with my girlfriend of three years within about the next six months- when I finally have some money.

I do accept that I have problem with porn. I look at it too much, but I don’t want to totally remove it from my life either- as someone with some pretty excentric fantasies (all totally legal, non violent, not even aggressive in any way to be honest, just a bit different) the only place I will ever see the kind of material I’m talking about is on the internet.

I kind of lead a sexual dual life- both sides of which are very satisfying in a lot of ways- the sex with my girlfriend is on the whole great, I have occasional problems but I’ve leart to deal with them very well. She is aware of my fantasies and is totally fine with them. She is very satisfied by our sex life- and she aint no lier! I integrate my fantasies into my sexual thoughts with her on a regular basis but I do not de-personalise- the fantasy is always about her. She is aware I do this but not quite of the extent. I have shown her the kind of stuff I’m into, it doesn’t really do anything for her but she’s also totally cool with it- so by default through her lack of interest the two sides of my sexual life stay pretty seporate- something which she is cool with (apart from the number of hours spent on the porn-hence this email).

The porn side, as I say is occupied, some of the time, by some pretty excentric fantasies which I’m only really going to find on the internet- if I try an remove these from my life I feel I will create new problems for myself. But that doesn’t mean to say I want them to stay in my life to the extent that they are- I want to reduce their role- not anialate it.

I currently surf for porn many hours a week. I’m pretty confident I could get it down to a couple of hours (in some ways I’m going to have to when I’m no longer a student and in full time work) which would be fine for both me and my girlfriend (Its been discussed- we have a very open and trusting relationship).

I particualrly want to make this change for the point at which we move in together. At the current porn surfing rate- it would definately cause problems. A couple of hours a week wouldn’t as she tends to go to bed earlier sometimes and knows my ways. Like I say, if I lock out porn totally I’m pretty sure my cravings for unusual porn will start to really bug me and have negative effects on other aspects of life. In the past, when I didn’t have internet access I still had the fantasies but without the porn outlet it made me feel, well, like an odd person. Today I feel more frustrated at myself for the amount I look- not what I look at- if I block it out totally I’m scared that I’ll start to feel like I’m weird again. That has had very dire consequences in the past in terms of my self esteem and although I have a lot more strength these days I don’t even want to be reminded of my old mind set.

Will the guide be effective for someone in my position who needs to cut back but also wishes to maintain a link to unusual fantasies?

Firstly, let’s clarify exactly where we stand on sexual fantasy: exciting, entertaining, fun. Absolutely everyone does it. We can get off on the most unlikely things, and we’re entitled to. Sexual fantasy makes us more inwardly interesting, and it’s not the cause of porn addiction. If it’s legal, safe and hurts no one, it’s the most natural thing in the world. This blog has touched on fantasy and fetish before.

So your girlfriend is cool with your sexual interests, and that’s not the issue here. Of course, it’s the time you spend indulging in your fantasies with porn. I won’t lecture you on the havoc that porn addiction can wreak on a relationship. Secret routines, isolation, compromised loving… you already recognise the potential for this.

I’m often asked whether a porn habit can be reduced to a manageable couple of hours a week, or an occasional treat. The logic is sound; the majority of people who enjoy looking at pornography aren’t addicted to it. They can watch it when the urge takes them, and it doesn’t eat up vast chunks of their lives or negatively impact their wellbeing and relationships. These people don’t talk about cravings, frustration or control issues. Porn isn’t top of their agenda.

The problem here is that addiction doesn’t follow the logic. The routines of the porn addiction ‘game’ are deep-rooted and instinctive. Every addict gets something unique from their porn obsession; it fills a void or serves some essential need. So how easy or realistic is it to convert a compulsive habit into a couple-of-hours-a-week pastime? Well, never say never, but it’s one hell of a challenge. Every addict has tried to get their fix without following the destructive routines, and it’s a deeply frustrating experience.

This is where recovery comes in; stop playing the porn addiction game, and you have the freedom to do what you like after that. By following a step-by-step plan, you can really begin to understand exactly what porn does for you, and find ways to break out of the time-consuming routines. Yes you’ll need commitment to change your relationship with porn. You’ll need a period of abstinence from the stuff too. It can be a tough trip, but the freedom it brings is invaluable.

From your honest account, I wonder whether your relationship with porn is one of justification. It helps you to normalise your erotic taste and fantasies. You feel less of an ‘odd person’. The internet can be great for that. The ‘problem’ may be one of perspective; a blurring of the fantasies you carry through your day-to-day living with the unreal, isolated images of pornography. To put it bluntly, too much buying into porn can lead to a relationship of dependence. It feels like it’s helping, but it’s never an ideal place to find your self-esteem. It’s another way that the porn game locks you in.

In reality, there’s no measure of weirdness or oddness when it comes to the erotic imagination. Porn can help you to indulge, but it thrives on insecurity. Assessing yourself as weird will keep you coming back for more. It’s good business for the industry.

Thank you JH for sharing your concerns with such frankness and insight, and I hope you find this response a helpful start to addressing them.