quit porn addiction

Givenup has kindly submitted her frank account of living with a porn-addicted partner:

I was once married for 7 years to the man that I am now just living with. I accidently ran across his car trunk full of porn videos at that time. Had been wondering why I felt something was not right. Did not know until then that he would watch them late at night in his room. We slept and still sleep in seperate rooms due to his job as a truck driver and i like it quiet to be able to sleep.

Needless to say, we divorced in 2005 and got back together in 2007. He had stated that while we were not together he had dated other women, ALL that he had meet on PORN and SWINGER singles sites. Swore that all contact had been broken off! NOT true, Every night that he is home and off the road or when ever I leave the house to shop he is on porn sites. He is even downloading the pictures to his cell phone, has his computer hooked up to cell to enable chat with them. He is a recovering alcoholic. From my experience when a person w/COD gives up 1 habit, they acquire another, be it good or bad. Yes, I have worked w/Dual Diagnosed Clients.

I have confronted him with this issue he has now shifted the blame and the person or partner feels defeated. He states that he finds it fascinating to look at and is in denial of any problem with it. States that i am the one w/problem and do not know what I am talking about and if “I only knew”. Get real, facts are facts, i see it for what it is. He has NO other hobby and only “girl” friends that he can relate to. I find him up until 2,3 and 4am. And, yes this is how he relieves himself and makes no romatic moves towards me.

I have no problem with my own self esteem as I do take care of my looks. This has been going on for a year-ever since I came back. I am short on money at this time so, will put up my own boundries and go on as it is until I can move out. There’s no sense in fighting with someone who will not even admit to their problem. It only makes your own life more miserable. I can not see the justification of what he does and will never be able to. He, in his own mind wants us to get married again. I do not see this happening, as stated before, “His life revolves around PORN”. Any way he is able to get it, at all costs.

Would love to hear any input on this situation. Or, just maybe this might help someone else going through the same thing. thanks-Givenup

You make a very valid point here about the transference from one addiction or compulsion to another. It’s not uncommon for someone with a history of alcoholism or drug addiction to develop a damaging relationship with pornography. This certainly applies to people diagnosed with co-occurring disorders (where addiction is connected with a secondary personality disorder), but also to our ‘everyday’ bad habits and routines too. When we’ve come to rely on a habit to distract us from some personal pain or fear, that habit becomes intensely precious to us. Circumstances may force us to break the habit, but If we are unable to address the underlying pain, we are always at risk of picking up a new obsession.

The misery of divorce can sometimes serve as a wake up call for addicted husbands. When he gets a second chance, it really can go either way. He may have been sufficiently disrupted to take account of his behaviour, and used the opportunity to make real changes. If not, he may feel like he’s won some kind of victory. His deluded logic will feel justified - “so it was her problem all along, and now for business as usual…”.

You make it clear that sadly, your relationship falls into the latter category. He reacted to the break up by further engaging with porn sites and further indulging his delusion. His ongoing reliance on blame and denial games would indicate that he continues to seek avoidance of the real world. We can only guess what the underlying issues may be here, but his insensitivity towards your feelings is tragically apparent. His expectation of any possibility of remarriage under these circumstances is just a further indicator of delusion.

When addiction renders the relationship so desperately futile, there is sometimes no option for a partner but to move on.  As you say, it can reach a point where there is no benefit in fighting with someone who refuses to see the problem, especially after so much painful fallout. You have dealt with the inevitable insecurities that partners so often go through, and there is positivity to be taken from that. You are entitled to your own recovery. By this stage, he is fully aware of how his ongoing behaviour offends you, but remains too locked into pornographic titillation.

Thank you for your story. I wish you a timely and successful release, and hope that your partner eventually achieves his own liberation from addicted routines.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 25th, 2008 at 11:58 pm and is filed under True stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.