25 years trapped with a porn-addicted husband - EM’s story
Posted by: Jason in Advice for partners, True storiesEM has been living with a porn-obsessed husband for an agonizingly long time. She kindly shares her story here:
i have been with my husband for 30 years, we have been married for 25. when we started to live together i noticed some magazines under the bathroom cabnets and i thought “o well all men have a book or two”. then the video tapes begin to come in, i didn’t mind because some of my girlfriends liked to look at them when they came over.
the more tapes that came in the house the less we had sex. my husband always had an excuse of why we were not having sex, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. two years had passed, and i had just turned 25 years and i was not going to take it anymore. We would have very bad argument, and he would begin to make me feel bad about myself, he would tell me that no one wanted me, and i was fat, and if i wanted sex, i should go and get it.
This hurt me so bad, no one knew what i was going through because it was important for my husband to make people think we had the perfect marriage, and i would go along with him. After about two more years of this I had affair just for the sex and to feel like a woman again. I told my husband what i had done and he said he didn’t want to know about it.
now 25 years have passed and I am still living in this Hell but worse. Many nights I lay in my bed wanting to be with my husband and he would wait until I was asleep and go into the room and look at porn and masturbate, we would have sex about once of twice a year, once this year so far.
Last week I have had enough, I gather 5 large garbage bags full of DVD’s which cost around $25 to$30 dollars each. Their must have been at least $8,000 worth of DVD’s not counting the books and video tapes. i hid them in the truck of my car because I am to put them in the dumpster because my husband name is on them. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I am trapped in a sick place that I can’t get out of. Please help me.
We can only guess what drives your husband’s obsession with collecting and watching porn. Intimacy problems, self-resentment, low self-esteem… the possibilities are many. His neglectful behaviour is certainly a reaction to some ongoing pain or issue.
Whatever the reason for his compulsive habit may be, you are not the cause. It is not a reaction to your attractiveness or appeal. Yes he may well have had things too easy for far too long. By putting up with a husband’s neglect and selfishness for such a long time, partners do inadvertently help him get away with it. He feels justified, he feels like he’s winning a game. It’s an easy trap for couples to fall into, and rapidly becomes the living norm. The essential fact remains though - you are not the cause.
By his deluded logic, your affair is further justification for his habit. He gets to play the neglected victim; that’s very appealing to the addict. Just an opportunity for him to retreat further into his self-centered obsession. Removing his collection may, unfortunately, have the same effect; all part of his ridiculous routine.
We can see his desperate defence mechanisms at work; the accusations and refusal to accept the reality of how he lives. Husbands do attempt to shift blame by criticising and abusing their wives. It is one of the cruellest parts of the porn addiction ‘game’.
You also mention another common ‘game’ element; the ‘keeping up appearances’ routine. He wants his marriage to appear happy and successful to the outside world, and of course, you certainly don’t want to advertise this horrible mess either. So you find yourself dragged along with his deluded priorities, with no end in sight.
My simple advice would be to get out. You deserve more than year after year of neglect, disrespect and the torment of his games. He has abused your time, your intimacy, your money and your relationship for too long.
Now of course, the situation is rarely so straightforward. There clearly are reasons why you haven’t walked in 25 years. The second option is to set a clear, firm deadline. Tell him that you will leave him if he doesn’t wake up and seek help for his problem. Set a date for this. Make it clear that you don’t expect him to be fully recovered by this date, but he must have sought help. This must be evidenced by his actions as well as his words.
If he refuses to face the situation or responds with more games, it really is time to get out. I’m convinced that it is never too late to take this stand and, if need be, move on with your life.
Thank you EM for sharing your story, and I wish you every success.
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EM, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to put up with this for 25 years. I agree with what Jason says - its never too late to make the change that you really need to make. I hope you can get out x
Em,
I left my addicted husband of 18 yrs. He sought an S/A counselor at the suggestion from my therapist and then proceeded to tell me (blame) that the S/A counselor said he was justified looking at porn if I had a low libido. What the idiot doesn’t understand is that I have a low libido because I refused to compete with his addiction. I have been to blame for his (addiction) intimacy with himself….how strange. He doesn’t see his problem as a result of a destroyed marriage. His ’secret’ will haunt him forever.
I too have been the victim of my husband’s pornogaphy addiction. My husband has been looking at internet porn behind my back for the 4 years of our marriage.
It wasn’t until I was two months pregnant with our daughter that I found out what was really going on behind my back. Up until that point there were signs, but nothing he would admit to.
At first my husband would write in our check register that he was buying presents for my birthday, our anniversary, or for our daughter. I later found out that these were all subscriptions to online porn sites. Only after then I started to find things in the history, the search engine, and the cookies. I now knew more about computers than I ever thought I would.
I would lay awake at every night while he was alone downstairs. I kept wondering what he was doing. I would panic, create paranoia within myself, and make myself sick several times a year. I always seemed to have gut feeling about when it was happening and my gut was never wrong.
More recently my husband started calling another woman obsessively to talk to her about the problems with our marriage. You can imagine my surprise when I received the phone bill and saw 5-20 phone calls to this woman a day for over a month. He then chose her over me because he said he couldn’t stop contact with her.
Then a week couple weeks ago I found out that he subscibed to a site the night before our 4 year wedding anniversary. I finally knew it was the last straw. I have now been lied to, cheated on, and had money stolen from me. Worst of all, I am the one who is getting the consequences while he continues his act.
I am done with the lies, I am done with the heartache, and I am done with the broken promises. I will not put my life on hold for someone who shows such little respect for my wellbeing. I’ve had enough!
Sorry about my typos. I think you get the point.
This is crazy! My husband is addicted to porn also. He admitted he looked at it. We have been married for 35 years. He can’t get an erection. He masterbates when we have sex. He had an affair and he told me he had erection problems with her too. I want our marriage to work, but the emotional detachment is horrible. I’m sure he is looking at it again. A few week s ago I was looking at his email (which is full of sexual emails), and I also looked at his history on the internet. There was one that he had opened. I confronted him about it, as he is supposed to be not looking at it, and he said he didn’t know how it got there. Right! I don’t want a divorce, but I think we are headed that way.
I have only been in a relationship for 7 years. My story sounds like all the others except that my boyfriend refuses to see he has an addiction at all. He just has, “a very active sex drive”. This causes me huge issues when we go out any where since he gets focused on women (of all ages) and objectifies them in front of me. You cannot help but read the his body and mind when he gets in this state. I find it disrespectful. I have even found myself looking for the best looking women and sitting where he cannot see her. If I don’t he spends the entire meal focused on her and ignoring me.
I also have learned when he cannot sleep neither can I. I get up and walk in to his study on purpose. I get up watch TV, read or drink some hot tea to relax me. I have developed a huge anxiety disorder over my obsession with his porn habit. I have become obsessed myself and try to manipulate the situation. Yet, he has gotten better at hiding his history (with two cleaners to clear all computer history), moving his viewing screen on the computer to the side of the computer that I cannot see as easily if I walk in, and he prepares another screen to jump to at a moments notice. All this just proves to me that I know what he is doing when he pop to another screen when I walk in the room. At least he doesn’t do it once I am awake, yet during the day I cannot cook, take a nap or go out for any reason without his going right to his porn site. I am learning to “let it go” and not let this control my life as it has for years. It has been hard.
Another habit is when I invite him to family events he refuses to go. I have to go, he stays home and reads porn. Then he tells his friends I didn’t invite him! Yet, if he does come and some good looking girl or women is there he spends the night gawking at her making me miserable all night.
Recently after 7 years of battle. I was asked to move out of his home. I was getting in his way of his relaxation, masterbation and porn viewing. I was not sensual enough for him. With no help from him I moved out of his home back to my own place which I kept “just in case”. He won. He gets to keep up his addiction and objectification. He gets to view and relive his past sexual exploits (incest with step-daughter and aunt, sleeping with all his friend’s wives, viewing sex with animals, swapping and women with large breast). His porn habits have gotten more kinky. He has attempted to have a new relationship with a cousin (whose Mother he had a long term relationship with,yet recently turned down his request to have lunch). His cousin is as screwed up as he is, but they love to flirt with each other. I guess in the long run moving out was good for me since I sleep better, yet I am still angry that he gets his lifestyle and porn and way of life without any changes. I am the one stuck moving my stuff alone, having to rebuild my life on much less income, and rebuilding my self esteem up. I just feel cheated all around and still angry.
Guess what? He calls every day because he is lonely. I am attempting to build boundries, but I am still angry as hell that he gets what he wants, but he cannot have me and porn.
I feel for every person who has to live with this misery. I am not sure if finding a new relationship is in my future since I never want to deal with this again. It wasn’t until our 2 years that I learned of the porn issues and I fear that most men enjoy porn these days. I have given up five years to work on a relationship that could never work with porn in the middle of it.
I find recovery groups for partners of sex addicts helpful. I am not alone and that makes me very sad.
My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. We have 3 kids. I have not slept in the same bed with him in 7 years. He has not really kissed me in 10 years. I am tired of his addiction and I’m tired of feeling guilty about whatever part I supposedly play in it (I’m not skinny enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough in bed, etc.). I am pretty sure I don’t even love him anymore, and I’m really really tired of the way he is always treating us badly when he can’t get his porn fix. I am going to be 40 this year and I just want to have a life I love, and my kids in it. I’m at the point where I just don’t care anymore about what his excuses are, how sorry he is, or why we can or can’t move forward. I’m tired of being the bigger person. I don’t care anymore about having someone who loves me, as long as I still have some love left to give my kids. I feel like if I keep staying in this heinous stew of bitterness and discontent I am going to lose everything that is good in me and I’ll never be the same again. And I just don’t know what I ever did to deserve this, except to love someone who seemed to love me too.
My husband has destroyed me with his porn addiction. Goodbye
My husband of three and a half years finally admitted to me he’s addicted to porn. up until 2 nights ago we slept in different rooms for several months. he would lock his door and look at porn videos and masterbate while i took care of our baby daughter(now 6months old) and felt unloved, lonely and cried myself to sleep. the last time we had sex must have been about a year ago.
2years ago when i discussed with him as to why we have sex only once a month he turned it around and told me he’s not sexually attracted to me. i felt so ugly. i thought maybe thats why he looks at porn (at that point i had no idea he was so addicted to it).i even thought well atleast he’s not having an affair. i tried to seek help from a dr who i thought could recommend a therapist but my husband told him that he thinks i’m suicidal and that he doesn’t need help. (he said this in my absence).
his excuse for staring at each and every woman on the road is that its only looking and not touching and that all men do it.
4 days ago i looked at the ‘history’ on his computer while he tried his best to stop me. it even had registration sites for men seeking women although he swears he didn’t actually register.
when i confronted him this time he begged me to forgive him and that he now realises what he was doing was wrong and that he’s addicted but will stop. i asked him to go for conselling but actually i don’t think such counselling even exists in the country we live in. he says he just didn’t think before doing these things and his addiction began from when we were having a long distance relationship(5 years apart). he’s said he will not go onthe internet at home unless i’m around nearby and that at work he will get the network administartors to increase security. i said we can share our room as this helps me to keep and eye on him and less opportunities for him although i can no longer bear the thought of having sex with him.
i hope this works but I don’t know if and when we can have a normal marriage again (not that we ever did) and if i can ever trust him again.
my dear sisters…my heart breaks reading of your anguish. Those nights when you are crying i have been crying too.
After almost 13 years of marriage to an controlling porn addict..I am now the single mom of 5 children. I am glad i have them to take care of as when i am alone i am empty and stare at the wall and cry.
But,there are more happy days now.
I would have stayed with him, if he was trying to overcome this awful temptation. I sometimes fear the day he gets better and asks me to return. but that is like watching someone dive head first into a tar pit and waiting for them to climb back out. It was so hard to walk away from someone who l promised to love… but that person is gone. There is a song by ingrid mortenson called glass that has comfored me in this transition.
Keep getting on your knees to pray…even when all you have is tears…God will show you the way…He wants you to be happy.