terrifed and disgusted

Submitted by disgraceful on Mon, 25/07/2011 - 09:43

disgraceful's picture

Im 22 years old, I have been married a year to the most wonderful man in existence. I don't know how it started. I remember being caught masturbating as a very young child, somewhere around 4, my mom told me not to do that or I wouldn't be able to have babies. Porn was always on tv late at night and my parents didnt exactly keep an eye on us after they went to bed I know I was watching it by at least age 7 bc I watched it in the other room while my brother a sister were waiting for santa christmas the year I turned 7. I have been addicted since then and have lived my entire life in guilt and shame about it. At first I would lay up at night praying to god to let me still have babies and promising to be good. I was caught with pornographic stories in 5th grade at my small christian school. I got them on the internet, my parents read them and banned me from the internet for almost year. They put all the protections they could onto the computer. I found ways around them, I would look at porn or read the stories, or print them out and take them to my room. They never found out and gradually they forgot about it.

I was homeschooled until highschool and lived in a campground with no friends other than my brother and sister. 2 years of "school" were 5th grade at a one room school house that went from kindergarted to 12th grade. And 8th grade at a 30 kids private christian middle school. I had 8 people in my graduating class. No one. Not one single person told me anything about sex. When I started my period I only knew it was normal because I had seen it in porn, I didn't tell a sole. I learned what was actually happening by over hearing some boys at school in tenth grade. Every tiny detail I know came from porn....

As time went on all the porn and the stories have infiltrated my mind. Deep in my heart I believe im worthless and meant to be used. How else could I have gotten this idea. When I was 12 I was "molested" along with my cousin. We simply thought he was our first boyfriend, he was 18 and would pit us against eachother in a vicious cycle of jelousy and worthlessnesss. It was ridiculous looking back. My first real boyfriend was a decent guy, good christian kid but I corrupted him to the core. What 17 year old guy would say no when a girl starts in on him. I know so many things, and im very good at pleasing. Its what I strive for. When I eventually left him we hadn't gone further than oral really although we almost did.

In college and late highschool I gave oral sex to a few other guys, it was all I really knew how to do to get the attention I needed and wanted. Somehow by the grace of god my husband was my first and only but he asks sometimes how i know thigns or where i learned something, i just tell him i read a lot. This is my whole life. I don't know what darted it, and I've had this addiction for literary as far back as I can remember. I no longer am sexually excited by anything that isn't porn and its gotten worse. Im not turned on by anything that isn't violent, extremely violent. Rape, abuse, torture,even murder and worse several times children were involved. I hide it from my husband but he knows something isn't working and it hurts him but I don't know how to fix it. He tries so hard but I don't enjoy anything he does even a small bit, even after teaching him the right things to do. I've taken to avoiding sex if at all possible and just giving him the things that don't involve me.

I read about the addiction and people saying the longer you are into it the worse it gets, it feels like I will never be rid of it. Its as normal to me as breathing andeven if I do it will never leave my head. Images and stories and thoughts. I have been doing this for at least 15 years and I've seen some atrocious things. My husband wants children, I can't. I just tell him im not ready. I know those images will always be there and its destroying me inside.

Disgraceful it makes me so sad reading your story. As a young Christian woman who learned everything about sex from my dad's porn - not in a good way at all - I feel this terrible dirtyness and shame.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about the effect that porn is having on you? I never saw the violent porn but I also find it hard to get turned on without thinking about the things I saw in porn. I never wanted to fill my eyes with all ths gross stuff but felt curious and it is addictive. What has helped me is counseling an just being able to explain how behind this nice and decent girl is a shameful obsession. I still have counseling on this and it is helping me to learn how to not keep going back to porn. Also that I'm still the same person I was before, I just get into a bad thing.

If you can talk to a counselor or someone about all the things you've seen, it could help you too? I don't know whether you need to tell your husband or not but I feel you can get this help without sharing all the details with him. Like me you don't want to be carrying around these porn images and thoughts in your head for life. My thoughts are with you, please talk to someone about this.

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You are NOT worthless. Just the fact that you know what you are doing is wrong and that you care is a testimony to what sort of person you are inside.

I believe you are correct about not being ready for children. I myself am not ready for a relationship until I defeat my addiction.

I think that your desire for violence in your porn goes back to that feeling of worthlessness. It is a guilt trip. The guilt of giving into your addiction makes you feel worthless. Like perhaps you feel you should be punished. Or like you need to strike out at others. Guilt can be as all consuming as an addiction and can destroy you as easily.

I think it is possible that your parents helped with your guilt. It sounds to me that from an early age you were taught that anything sexual was wrong. So even normal healthy sexual feelings can inspire guilt for you now. This idea is just as wrong as addiction.

Try to focus your fantasies and desires on healthy loving relationships. This will help you to destroy these feelings of worthlessness and guilt.

I understand about images being burned into your brain and words as well. I have read many stories myself. Think of it as an acid trip. The more recent the "drug hit" the more vivid the images will be.
The longer you go without. The more you will be able to shut them out. But you still have to be on guard against a "flashback".

Personally, I would recommend telling your husband and seeking counseling. I understand how worried you are about our husband finding out. You worry he may not love you. He may even be corrupted like your first boyfriend.

I think you have a great guy there. And you two can work together to overcome this. But you do know him far better. Use your own judgment.

Remember this: YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. You are not an evil person.
I believe you can overcome this.

"We cannot Change the Unfruitful Past. But We can Still Make a Better Future of it."
--- Princess Zelda

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Right...where to start...

as said above, you are not worthless, but you are addicted.

You are not beyond hope either. I was into porn for over 30 years and I have finally quit. It was very hard at first, but the urges pass and the images and the memories dim. Each day you are off the stuff is a day that your brain gets used to doing without the "drug" and is one day closer to getting cured.

I was brought up by a very catholic family (my dad used to be a monk and my aunts were all nuns) and became a Jehovah's Witness, so I know about guilt for sure. The bible...or at least those who interpret it have a lot to answer for I think.

As for the type of porn you are in to and how it makes you feel, I think counselling might help, especially for the history that got you into it. I am not sure about letting your husband know. I dont know him nor how he would react. Dont think that you are evil or corrupt in some way. You're not. You're addicted to porn and have been for some time. Like a heroin addict, you can turn around and get your life back, but it will be tough.

Good luck.

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Thanks for sharing your story! When I was struggling, I literally couldn't imagine myself being free from this, ever. However, I just want to say if you want to be free from this, YOU CAN BE FREE. I started this site for girls struggling with this addiction. If you or any other girls here ever need anyone to talk to please email me! We are NOT alone.

www.femalepornaddicts.wordpress.com

-an EX-femalepornaddict

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