Talking to Partners - What Worked for You?

Submitted by Nate Baseley on Thu, 25/11/2010 - 19:43

Nate Baseley's picture

Hi everyone,

I thought it would be interesting to start a topic on successful approaches to working with porn addicted partners.

Perhaps you were unhappy with your partner's porn and had to convince them that it was a real problem for you. Or maybe your partner brought the problem to you, but you had to help them take some action.

If you've been successful in communicating with your partner, what techniques or strategies did you use? If they committed to change, what do you think made the difference? How are they getting on now and are you still active in their recovery or have they simply dealt with it themselves?

Some successful techniques might prove useful to the partners visiting the forums now, looking for advice and ideas.

Hi, I can't say that me and my husband are right back to normal but things have gotten better in recent weeks. Some ladies on here had written a letter to their husbands and I did that, telling him that I was sick of all the lies and being taken for granted and how disappointed I am that we moved to a different country to start a new life and he has brought all his arrogant habits with him. I want him to know how depressed and hurt it has all made me.

I know that the letter hit him because he thought it was weird at first but did'nt give me all the normal excuses and saying it's nothing. We talked again the next day and he admitted that he had wanted a fresh start too and wished he'd ditched the porn. I have never heard this in 20 years. He promised to stop it his own way and to be there for me.

Over two weeks have passed now and we have talked about it again and I don't think he has looked at porn. He has gone a bit quiet and I just hope this is because the truth has sunk in. We haven't made love for over two months but I want to trust him first. So an improvement but I still feel alone with all this. Talking and reading on this website is a help.

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Good questions. The best thing I did for myself was to accept that his porn addiction wasn't my fault. That sounds so simple but you wouldn't believe the nights I cried feeling totally insecure and worthless. He made me feel like utter shit. Eventually I split with him and I hope thats his wake-up call. He still wants to get back together and asks me all the time, saying that the porn is all over now. I think it's too late for that but if splitting has made him realise and grow up then have done him a favour. Part of me will always care for him as he's a good bloke really but I have to get on and trust men again. Still got work to do on that...

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In the beginning we were so far from on the same page. I thought we were in a relationship with each other. I came to realize his primary relationship was with porn and that I was a threat to that, which made me the enemy, so all my attempts at communications only served to expose my position, so to speak. When I told him how I felt all I was really doing was letting him know what he had to say in order to shut me up (for a while, anyway). But in a way I guess this was, in fact, productive, because it became so absurdly obvious rather quickly.
Now when we talk I ignore his lies and talk to him about the truth that's right there in front of us whether he'll talk about it or not, and he no longer bothers with his old tactics (anger, denial) because they no longer work.
Also, when we talk I am now detached (no emotional blackmail) and am as honest as I can be about what I'm thinking and feeling. I'm focusing on being clear- whether he is or not is his responsibility.
I'm not sure yet if this has helped us, but I am no longer sucked into fruitless mind games, I'm able to go to work every day and focus on my job, I'm doing things I enjoy with friends I've neglected, and I'm still fully prepared to support my partner the moment he's ready to commit to being my partner.
And I'm not sure if I responded to your topic, but I'm looking forward to reading what others have to say, because 'talking' with experienced liars, and actually getting anywhere, requires a great deal of finesse.

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Everything eventually came to light only this week, after being with my partner for four years and constantly questioning myself and even his sexuality - I now know the extent of his problem, well I think .....

After years of being accused of being paranoid and the blame being laid at my feet for everything - the pieces of the jigsaw are now fitting into place. I am finding new and disturbing information every day - £70's worth of calls in two weeks to sex chat lines and numerous sites accessed via my 8 year old daughters website. Over £400's worth of calls in the past few months - this addiction has left my life and that of my daughters in sheds.

I've lost two babies over the past two years my partner even used against me - saying he was grieving - I know in my heart of hearts its all lies. On the the actual dates of the losses he did not even recall the events, so I know this is an excuse. I understand he has extreme underlying issues and wish I could support him - but I can't. I've tried everything over the past four years - every thing has been thrown back in my face and porn chosen over my daughter and I time and time again.

Very early on in to our relationship I came across various movies etc - which I shrugged off - I'm far from a prude. Then a year or so later I found he had been using the family PC - as explicit images flash up the screen. I again shrugged it off as he promised he would stop.

I know the sex chat lines he has been calling are also used for arranging sex dates - I've called the numbers. I am now in a position where I think he has also been meeting up with people for sex, so need to be checked out by my GP.

He struggles to function normally in the bedroom with me, I have been told I am very attractive - even though I presently feel like I must be disgusting. Its just lie after lie after lie.

I cannot go through my life like this - porn has destroyed my life. I am now left in a position where I have a huge mortgage and have questioned should I stay with him purely for financial reasons - but I love my daughter too much to have him around. My skin crawls at the thought of him.

I know deep inside he is a decent guy and is in desperate need of help. This is the sort of thing you read about in a magazine - but I never thought it would happen to me.

For any guys that read this and you think anything of your partner's; wives and lives stop this before it ruins your life - because believe me in the end it is very destructive - not only for you but for everyone around you.

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