L is concerned about her connection with pornography, and the impact on her relationship with her boyfriend. She kindly shares her story here:

I’m 19, and unlike the ‘normal’ addicts i’m a woman, and whats worse is that I’m already immune to the ‘lighter’ porn. Which scares me. I’m sure one day there’ll be nothing left that can satisfy me if I don’t stop now.

I feel the need to write my story because no one knows of my problem and its becoming a nightmare trying to keep it a secret. And more and more I want to get back to normal, but I don’t remember normal anymore.

It started seriously when I was about 14, I stumbled across some pictures while doing homework. Because all I had typed into google was  ‘cream and sugar’ I knew my parents wouldn’t notice. And so it went on. I learnt all the ways round the parental controls (i went on my mothers profile), meticulously deleted my activities on the history and deleted the search engine entries every time.

To begin with I was just curious about other people’s bodies. Its only in the past two or three years that i’ve found release through the hardcore stuff thats so readily available for free on a number of websites. Now its the only way.

I started seeing a guy about a year and a half ago. He has no idea i’m addicted to pornography; he doesn’t use it even while I’m away at university as far as I can tell (and i’ve looked through his computer to check). He doesn’t understand why i can’t orgasm when we have sex. I’m no shrink but I guess its because i associate having an orgasm with watching porn, or i’m ashamed. I’m really not sure. Either way, he thinks its his fault but I can’t tell him why its mine.

Today I’ve blocked my usual website. And I’m going to attempt to do the university work that I should have been doing when I was ‘busy’ these last few days. Hopefully I will beat it, but I’ve tried in the past and its lasted just a little while (usually when theres no internet or someone’s there).

Looking at too much porn is generally considered ‘a guy thing’. And in some ways, this can make it easier for guys to share their problem with others and seek support. For the many women who struggle with porn, telling anyone else is a very difficult prospect, and they feel very much on their own.

So thank you L for sharing your story here. Many readers will recognise the issues that you mention; the meticulous covering of tracks and increasing boredom with softer porn.

With regard to your sexual relationship with your boyfriend, it’s difficult to say how much your porn habit might be responsible for you not reaching orgasm. There are so many potential factors in the mix, but they are likely to include your expectations, self-esteem, physical inhibition and level of connection with him. Porn-induced feelings of shame and insecurity can certainly wreak havoc with these emotions.

It is possible for the habit to hijack our sexual responses. Women have reported becoming so dependent on the visual stimulation of porn, that they have experienced orgasm in front of the computer screen with no physical stimulation at all. They experience little satisfaction from offline sex with their partners, and the overriding allure of porn becomes a matter of great concern to them.

As you describe, it’s often our partner’s self-esteem that suffers too. The porn issue works against our intimacy and openness. They resort to blaming themselves, and our accumulating shame and guilt makes it even more impossible to explain how things really are.

I would like to emphasise just how much of a positive step you have taken by recognising and sharing your fears here. Explaining our situation to someone who we trust and won’t get judgemental on us is very beneficial. Consider other opportunities for talking with a counsellor or trusted relative; it may help you explore the potential reasons why porn holds ongoing appeal despite your resentment of it.

I can’t draw any conclusions for you, of course, but the limitless source of free porn very often provides us with a limitless source of procrastination. It’s just too easy and tempting to avoid stresses of studies and work in this way, and almost becomes our instinctive reaction. On the positive side, it’s worth noting that once we recognise our reactions and formulate a motivated, step-by-step plan to address it, freedom is undoubtedly achievable. You have made some important initial steps and realisations already.

Thank you again, and I wish you every success.

I’ve just returned from a few days holiday and this news item caught my attention:

In a world first, the Australian Centre for Addiction Research (ACAR) at the University of Sydney is developing an innovative approach to effectively assist people to manage their depression, anxiety and alcohol consumption by correspondence.

To summarise, participants fill out a questionnaire to assess their symptoms, concerns and level of addiction. They then receive personalised feedback based on their responses, and fortnightly mailings containing advice and tips to help them manage their moods and reduce alcohol consumption. It is generally accepted is that these people are often highly reluctant to seek help for their problems; a major reason for this is because of the stigma attached to the illness.
Professor Sitharthan Thiagarajan, director of the programme, explains:

“The advantage of delivering the treatment by correspondence is that people can be treated in the comfort of their own homes and with relative anonymity.”

Although this treatment programme is targeting alcohol addiction, I’m really looking forward to reading the results. The nature of porn addiction is quite distinct from alcoholism, but the issues of stigma and denial are just as applicable. The link between porn addiction and depression raises similar questions too: whether a compulsive porn habit causes depression and anxiety, or whether it is a soothing mechanism for an already depressed state.

As part of a porn addiction recovery plan, I have no doubts about the benefits of seeking personal treatment from a counsellor or therapist, or engaging in a face-to-face support group. However, I’m acutely aware that because of stigma and embarrassment, many people feel unable to take this step and their long-term recovery is less likely to succeed. This correspondence approach offers both anonymity and personally tailored advice, which could prove to be a highly effective combination.

Right now, I’m in the process of developing some online support programmes for porn addiction recovery. They will eventually be offered on this site, but I have to get the balance right to ensure that they are as beneficial as possible to a wide audience. I’ll certainly be taking the results of this Australian trial into account.

Pornography addiction is an acute source of misery, but of course it’s not just the addict who is dragged down into despair. The impact on wives and girlfriends (and yes, husbands and boyfriends in some cases) is immense, and too many relationships are left shattered in it’s wake.

For these victims, the pain actually begins long before the discovery that their beloved partner has a disturbing, secret habit. The telltale problem signs are there right from the start: the decline in intimacy and the partner’s preference for spending more time at the computer, even very late at night or early in the morning. The neglected partner worries over what might be wrong, and sooner or later, the painful truth is discovered.

Once that porn addiction bombshell drops, a multitude of emotions and fears result. Did I cause this? Am I not attractive or sexy any more? How can I compete with the models on the internet? Do all men do this? Do I really know my partner at all? Is this how he really views women?

The emotion of shock and disgust shifts to self-blame, which shifts to worthlessness and feeling completely unattractive and unwanted. Self-esteem takes a complete nose-dive. Being in love with this person makes all this so much harder to deal with. How do I handle this? If I make an issue out of it, will this end our relationship? Is it over already?

Let’s take the real-life account of Emma. Her boyfriend’s pornography consumption affected their sex lives, and then their relationship. The sex became impersonal and aggressive. Emma explains “There was no real intimacy, no thought about what I might like. That’s when I began to realise . . . “. Slowly the sex started to taper off altogether as the internet porn began to consume her boyfriend. “I would wake up and find him looking at it, I would go to bed at night and he would look at porn,” Emma says. “We would argue, he would look at porn. I would take the dog for a walk, and he would look at it. I would brush my teeth, he would use it.”

She blamed herself. He blamed her. She questioned, she cried, and finally, after a violent argument, she left.

So how can a partner face up to the other partner’s compulsive porn habit and retain a shred of hope that the relationship can be saved? It’s no easy feat, but the guiding principle has to be one of clinical detachment. The problem must be treated as an addiction, like any other substance abuse. This personal problem developed for a number of reasons; reasons that may be obvious or they may need to be discovered through support, counselling and abstinence from porn.

This is a huge challenge and it takes the committment of both partners. Emma’s boyfriend, having acknowledged his problem, has remained “abstinent” and life is “absolutely fantastic”, she says.

I’ve been using OpenDNS for months - it seems to serve up sites faster than my own ISP and I liked the phishing site protection. I noticed today that they now provide an adult site blocking service - totally free and, from what I’ve seen so far, impressively accurate too.

When you’re working to distance yourself from porn, I’m a firm believer than installing a porn filter is a great help. Yes, there’s nothing to stop you deactivating or uninstalling it if you’re climbing the walls to indulge in porn, but it’s extra hassle. It’s that little bit of extra hassle that reminds you of your intention to break your porn habit. It’s that little bit of hassle that takes away the instant convenience of adult sites, which is one of the factors that makes porn so addictive. That little bit of hassle that can make the difference between wasting hours in another porn session, or a positive porn-free experience.

There’s no software to install, no complicated sign-up procedure and you get a faster internet experience too. I’d recommend giving this service a try, and I’d be interested to hear any feedback.

Learn more here… and before you ask, no I have no affiliation with OpenDNS - I just consider it very cool.