scared and alone.

Submitted by aloneandashamed on Tue, 23/11/2010 - 07:15

aloneandashamed's picture

i started reading romantic novels by accident. at my grandma's house. which is sort of funny. i just liked to read. i picked up a book and whoaho! it had sex in it. i was about 12. well i started noticing the books with the people kissing on font usually had sex scenes in them. one day i was on my grandmas computer and i was searching something. i dont even remember... but it was innocent to do with animals. she didnt have any blocks on and a bunch of beastiality stuff came up. i was grossed out but i felt turned on and i couldnt stop looking so i clicked and then a MILLION popups came up and i got in big trouble. super embarrassing. not like haha whoops. like what have you done? why arent you our little girl anymore? after that i decided NEVER again.

later when i was in highschool, i got a myspace account and realized i could chat with people from all over. i was so lonely. so made fun of at school. all these guys online (probably old men) kept telling me how pretty i was. and funny. i didnt even have to be me. i could be someone different. i got totally messed up and did some really bad cybering, even sent out pictures. my mom eventually found out about that too. she pretty much looked at me and said " you are worth more than this" and we never talked about it again.

ok NOW really nothing stupid. not anymore. but after the cybering was gone i was horny all the time. i started reading dirty stories online.

first they were romantic with just some sex. then it kept getting worse. now im so ashamed of the things i watch, i have nightmares. i have looked at mock rape, mock pedophilia, horrible horrible things! not things for a teenage girl! not things i would EVER do. ever want to do. whats wrong with me?

now im 19 and have been dating my boyfriend for a year and half.
at the beginning. i said ENOUGH. no more.
but its crept back up.
im so in love with him and we are looking at getting married in the future.
and i make love to him
and then i masturbate to porn
and no one knows.
im so sick.

Hi there, I felt really moved reading your story. wow. I'm sure you arent alone but this stuff is so hard to talk about. I'm quite new here too but I think you will get good advice and support. This is a great place where you won't be judged.

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Porn takes the desire for sex and intimacy and replaces it with images. ...it feels safe and hidden no harm right?,but the chemicals in your brain become addicted to that high and places us in bondage,slavery to fantasy out of relationship with others and reality..Porn is a lie to destroy any form of intimacy...you are not alone...bring your darkness into the light..of love ,bring it to the healer our God above,love Valenchine,the Velvet Warrior,Twitter

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Hi alone and ashamed,

Welcome! Just as lisab commented, your post is so heartfelt and upfront. Through all this, you've clearly retained your sense of humour, and that really helps! I know many readers here will be able to relate.

For most people of any age, stumbling across a load of bestiality images is a genuine shocker. And I don't think your reaction was at all unnatural or unusual, even at that young age. In many ways, it's that combination of fear, grossness, intrigue and excitement that keeps us coming back for more. And the porn industry clearly knows this only too well...

It's not unusual to repeatedly return to extreme porn as a subconscious way of dealing with the original experience, or even trying to undo it. "If I can gain control over this, it will go away and I'll feel better". Mixed in with feelings of loneliness and wanting to connect, I wonder whether this might explain some of your experiences? Just some possible suggestions.

Shame has a habit of keeping us trapped too, so it's really important to realise that there's nothing wrong with you. These issues have a beginning, a middle and an end... and you're looking for the end now.

So where next? To end your relationship with porn, or just avoid the gross stuff. Both are valid options, depending on how you feel and what's going to work for you. Could it help to tell your boyfriend about how you feel? Also, we often find that taking a break from masturbation to porn, say for a few weeks, helps to break up the habit. Some experts say that every time we orgasm to a stimulus, we program ourselves to want it more. So it's useful to take time out from that. For some people, masturbating with their partner or whilst simply enjoying their own body is much more positive reprogramming!

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Thankyou for being so honest. As Jason said, your sense of humour comes across in your post too and that's definitely a good thing. I am probably far too serious about these things.

My heart goes out to every post I read on here, and I feel like I can identify with something in all of them. I've been feeling so troubled recently and I keep wanting to post replies, even though I might not have much to say. I'm sorry if I'm being annoying.

There is so much shocking porn out there, and it's worryingly easy to come across.

I don't think our parent's generation gets the internet much. It sounds like your first exposure to extreme porn was was a complete accident, and your parent's responses seemed intended to create as much shame as possible, which can't have helped.

I'm sure that you are not sick. There is so much sweetness and beauty in the world and in almost everyone. It is so sad that there is so much horrible material out there to draw our minds away from it.

Take care of yourself

S

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Great post. I've seen some horrible things too, usually when looking at free video sites where anyone can upload their own videos. You just catch a glimpse of something violent or painful looking, and the reality of it makes you recoil. A couple of times it was enough for me to shut down the computer, feeling relieved that at least I'm not into that. But still returning to the site the next day.

Good luck to you aloneandashamed. You are worth so much more than the shame and stress of all this.

And gone_wrong, I like your posts here. I sometimes feel like I haven't much to add, but I'm sure even a "well said" or "wishing you well" is appreciated. I know it is by me. I'm a fan of the people on here, that's for sure.

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Thank you for sharing your story. I found it interesting to read the events from you past that you clearly feel are relevant to problems you have today - your grandma's romantic novels, discovering a bestiality image and being made to feel ashamed, chatting online with guys and being told you're better than that.

It always surprises me how badly parents (and grandparents) can handle the issue of sex with children - after all it's the most natural thing. My parents thought nothing of me watching violent films for adults (Terminator etc.) but if any of them had the slightest hint of sex they'd be deemed unsuitable. Why? Surely we're expected to learn about sex because we'll be doing that as grown-ups, as opposed to violence which we should avoid?

Your grandma should have recognised that a child of 12 wouldn't seek those images and should have engaged in some dialogue - "oh dear...this happens to me sometimes too. I wish I knew how to stop these pictures appearing, I don't like them very much". Instead, her own feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame were probably a factor here.

And now it seems like you have found your porn tastes escalating beyond your control. This is a feeling that many on this forum will identify with and perhaps it tells us something about why you're looking at porn - for some it's a sense of looking for something that they can't find, perhaps trying to recreate a buzz we remember from the past. Porn is like a drug in that way, the effect it has the first time can rarely be repeated, so we can start to consume more and harder stuff in the pursuit of it.

The advice above is very useful. Try to get a little perspective on the problem - what is it that you'd like to change. Write your objective down and devise a strategy. Remember that you are in control and it is possible to change.

Explaining to your boyfriend could be difficult, but that's better than him finding out by accident. Ideally, commit to change first, spend a few weeks learning to live without porn (masturbate to different stimulus might be helpful - e.g. novels (unless those are triggers for your online porn sessions)) and then tell him when you've made some progress - "hey, I want to tell you that I've had a problem but it's now been 2 months clear and I feel like I've turned a corner". The danger of doing it the over way around ("I have this problem but I promise it's over, starting today") is you add pressure to your recovery and make the consequence of relapse worse - and you should expect a little relapse in any behavioural change efforts.

Welcome to the forum and we look forward to hearing how you get on.

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YOU ARE NOT ALONE. But you are scared. Of course you're scared. Who wouldn't be?

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is overcoming fear to accomplish your goals.

You feel like you're sick, like you're a bad person. But you're just one of us.
A person with an addiction to overcome. Welcome sister. Let's fight this together.

I know how you feel about perverted porn as well. At first it's like a train wreck. You can't look away. You keep thinking, how can people do this? But then you keep going back to it and before long it excites you like nothing else.

As for your boyfriend, it all comes down to trust. Do you trust him? This isn't even about love. Of course you love him. This is about trust which is much scarier. But he can also be the person behind you helping you through this.

I would recommend getting yourself into a counseling program. It can only help. And if you choose to tell your boyfriend you can show him that you are already hard at work defeating this. It could also help if he is upset by bringing him in with a counselor who is already familiar with the problem.

But know this: YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS.

In valleys of Fear do I Walk with head high.
The Weakness that Threatens, my Courage belies.
And when it is Courage that fails me as well,
It is Hope and my Faith that will save me from Hell.

http://www.quitpornaddiction.com/30-day-war

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Hey qtrave I like your advice there. Good luck to you in your challenge too :)

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Hello aloneandashamed. I guess you know by know that
a) you're not alone and
b) there's nothing to be ashamed about.
I think as a parent your story says something to me about your protection as a child, maybe you should have been better protected against extremely graphic images when you were younger.. but as a parent I know that battle is getting increasingly difficult.

Extremely graphic images (and movies, books and plays) are very affecting, they move us in very strange ways. That is why horror movies make us scared but we go back for more. We're strange and beautiful creatures, we humans! So don't be ashamed of looking at this stuff. It's designed to move us, stimulate us, and we're programmed in many strange ways to react to it.

Please don't be offended when I say this.. you're still young. You should have been better protected from this stuff when you were young and impressionable. So it's really not your fault that early exposure to graphic images has had an effect on you.

Take that as a a positive thing. It was just a part of growing up. Maybe put it away. Like a kids toy you've grown out of.

Maybe start tomorrow as a woman. The woman you really are.

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