Rebuilding from Relaps !
Hello there,
Six months of "clean" utterly thrown away in a week of stress! I could kill myself, I'd done so well and had not had any temptations.
I won't make excuses, it was down to weakness and under estimating the sheer grasp that this stuff has over people.
The relaps followed an earlier effort to cleanse myself of this after the "christmas from hell"....or rather my S O finding out. I was humiliated and angry but resolved to get it sorted.
Perhaps I got complacent? perhaps even somewhat brash that I had (or thought I had) beat it. But...........then came this week, a week of divorce, working hard for a new job and finally the worry that BOTH of these would somehow fail and I would fall.
I sucumbed, gave in, and, yes, got caught !
Iam thus REBUILDING....though this time WITH bricks, not straw !
Littlebear.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Six months is a long time,
Six months is a long time, and you achieved that with your own ability to step back and realise you didn't need it. Whether we must remain busy, healthy, fit, or just plain aware of the true nature of "the voice" when we hear it, we are very capable.
Don't punish yourself for falling!
I'd say its all to easy to
I'd say its all to easy to fall back into it, especially with so many people suggesting its normal these days.
Dont forget though that you managed without for a whole 6 months during which your mind got used to doing without the drug. A week "off the wagon", although probably making you feel crap will be something you should be able to put behind yourself and move on from.
I've only been off about 2 months and I'm under no illusions that I've got anything beat. I'm bound to stumble upon a picture of someone or other half naked at some point when I'm stressed to hell and a voice inside will say "Well, you've seen one now, so you might as well see more ... and besides, everyone is doing it" and I know I'l have to fight pretty hard to ignore it. But that is a fight for the future. Today, I"m fighting to stay upright... (I'm real, real tired...)
Thankyou Philip and Nomad
Many thanks for your support, it's not easy to regain anything like the confidence I had before and though there is no temptation to go back, there is a huge sence of let down. The sense of let down is, for me, the worst and most shameful bit.
Iam reading some good books on and around the subject of PA and hope to arm myself further with it all.
The shame is the biggest hurdle so far, feel shit !
Littlebear.
:)
Shame and disapointment with yourself are understandable, but remember that you managed 1/2 a year without porn and you can do it again. If you manage another 6 months before you go off the rails again (and you quite possibly wont go off the rails again), then that will be only one week of porn in a whole year and that is going some for an addict.
I think the way you feel crap now will just serve to renew your determination to quit for even longer. So put the fall behind yourself and remember that you've done 6 months with only one week of porn in all that time.. now make it 7 months with only 1 week and then 8 :)
Many thanks Nomad, that is
Many thanks Nomad, that is very positive. I still feel crap, but then the shame and guilt are huge at present. I feel better today and VERY determined.
Littlebear
Not Back to Square One
Hello Littlbear, and thanks for sharing your story.
There's a growing proportion of healthcare professionals that consider relapse to be an essential part of recovery. A person makes a commitment to change, introduces rules and strategies to help them change and then tests them. It sounds like your plan was pretty robust, but of course it's unlikely to be perfect. A person slips up, learns a little more about their habits and triggers, then continues their recovery with renewed understanding. Their strategies and tools have been enhanced.
However, for the individual who considers relapse to be failure or 'back to square one', it can be terribly destructive. They may have been counting the days and now it feels like that has all been lost and they have to go back to counting from one again. The burden of this weight can be enough to give up on change altogether - "I'll never beat this".
Think of the change process like a bus journey. You get on the bus and each day is one stop away from 'square one'. If you relapse it's like getting off at a stop, and jumping on the bus heading back in the other direction. If you give up, then you will go back to square one. However if you consider the relapse to be part of your recovery, it's like beginning your journey back in the right direction at the earliest opportunity. In other words, if you have been successful for six months, that success is still 'in the bank' providing you carry on with your new behaviour as soon as you can.
Another way to look at it is like this. Imagine an individual who looks at porn every day for six months. They consider that they have a problem and even class themselves as a 'porn addict'. Then one day they are unable to look at porn. Does this mean that their behaviour has changed? No. And so it is with your situation. You have spent six months not looking at porn, then one day when you did. This does not change the fact that you're an individual who is committed to no longer looking at it.
It sounds to me like you've made a very positive start with the change that you've committed to and from the advice you've received on here, I hope it's clear that there's no need to worry about a small slip up.
Many many thanks Nathan, that
Many many thanks Nathan, that was the most useful and sound advice, and comes just when I needed it. I am feeling much better and am back on track, or "back on the bus" (loved that metaphor) I am reading a lot "In The Shadows Of The Net" is good and I have ordered "The 12 Steps" as well as using this site of course.
I do read a lot which helps me ( I love history ) . Have also got myself a new pair of jogging shoes and am about to start jogging (good for more than one reason).
Again Nathan, MANY THANKS.
Littlebear.
Hello again, Good to hear
Hello again,
Good to hear about the jogging (as I've found this to be very helpful myself). Exercising regularly gives you a feeling of achievement, and can really take the edge off at times. Unpleasant at first. But pushing through that, it can become a whole new addiction of it's own.
Think positively!
Know how it feels
Hi Littlebear
I have had more relapses than I can count. Like you the longest time on the waggon was about six months and strangely that was because I had a new computer and didn't want to polute it. Not realy the best reason for not visiting porn sites but it worked for a while. One dark day I slipped and then the reason was gone and the flood gates opened. I only found this site yesterday so am hoping that the inspiration and support fould here will help. Nathan's comments above were very helpful with others around like that I'm sure the bus will be more fun than the alternative. Stick at it!
Oceanblue
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