You try to stop, but the sheer momentum of habit keeps you going – VC’s story
Does it say im posting this at 2:30 AM? oh jeez i think it does
Well anyway the first time I never intentionally went to a site, trying to satisfy my cravings. instead, i was only doing homework when i saw a dating website ad.
This may sound familiar, because this is exactly how it happens. First, all i did was notice it while i happened to be next to my DAD. He didnt notice. I immediately hit the back button and turned off the monitor momentarily.
Later, i couldnt stop thinking about that ad. I was only 12 and my curiosity got the better of me and i researched what i searched that night and hit refresh until i saw the same ad.
At first it was so weird to me , but i kept viewing because of my curiosity of other’s bodies.
I began to crave this stuff, moving from site to site, disappointed if it wasn’t free. Each site was worse than the last.
The entire scheme was like a slippery slope. you look over the edge like “well, im not so sure”, then you slowly pick up speed until you’re moving along so fast, blinded to where you’re going. You try to stop, but the sheer momentum of habit keeps you going. Eventually you hit rock bottom, looking back on what you did. “MAN, was that stupid or what.”
But the truth is you never stop, unless you either A: set up a plan to slow down, and eventually stop
or B: just say “F**K it!” and dig your ski poles into the slopeI can’t seem to stop, if im on the internet in general that temptation is always on my mind, to visit one of the many memorized websites. I’m a jehovah’s witness, and my god i dont know what would happen if i told my parents or what not.
My biggest regret of my life is going back to that one ad i happened to see. Now im at rock bottom and i don’t know how to get back up. Im the only one that can dig myself out but I always climb back down.
So many readers will be able to relate to the ‘MAN, was that stupid or what?’ comedown that you describe. I’m sure we can recognise your feelings of frustration and regret too.
This habit has such a vicious circle of behaviour; during a porn session, we already know how despondent we are going to feel afterwards. We’ve been there so many times before. So we try to postpone the horrible comedown for as long as possible, by watching more porn for longer. And inevitably, we feel even more stupid and wasted afterwards.
I completely agree that the answer lies in setting up a plan to slow down and eventually stop. We can train ourselves in becoming more aware of our needs and urges. In those vital moments when we feel the old cravings for porn, we learn how to fully notice what is going on within ourselves. Instead of habitually shutting down our awareness and numbing ourselves with a rush of porn, we can let the urges pass. Over time, we realise that we don’t need to be driven by them.
With the best will in the world, we can’t just switch this awareness on. It’s a process of change, and we will experience slip-ups and disappointments along the way. That’s ok; we can learn from them and don’t have to return to square one.
Thank you VC for submitting such an honest, open account. I wish you every success.
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I feel exactly the same, I totally relate to your quote.
But I’ve learned today that I’m not the only one who felt this way, and that when and if I have kids, I have to tell them to be VERY conscious about their decisions in life especially in this particular area, and who knows what other plagues will be there when the future comes! But the worst thing…THE WORST THING, is how you feel after you’ve opened porn. You feel that you were going so well trying to beat it, then one time is all it takes to demolish a complete duration of struggle against one’s self, it literally is a fight against yourself, which is the hardest of all types. And after that one weak moment you never saw coming, you feel worthless like slime and you wish you had someone to urge you to go on, and fight your battles, someone whom you love and loves you in return, just to give your life meaning, because if your life doesn’t have a meaning then WHY are you quitting porn? But no one is there and you feel lonely, depressed, frustrated, weak, and plain dumb, which might lead to more porn-such a vicious cycle! . And somehow we sum up the courage to fight that battle again and again and again, each time failing. The answer we’re all trying to discover is if we can, completely alone, build up the courage and strength and patience to send this blasphemous habit into utter abomination, thus feeling pure and priceless, instead of worthless, and getting our self-esteem and sense of purpose back. Sometimes the thought alone of fighting the urges taking over when we get horny can be over whelming-let’s be honest- we completely transform when we get horny, we completely forget why we’re trying to quit porn, and you can’t remember even if you try to. All we can do is ride it out, which requires a massive amount of strength, and hope the next time we get horny that we’ll still have some strength left within us, but we rarely do, do we? And after a week when you’re starting to feel safe from porn, that’s when you’re entire body and mind fails you, and disaster strikes.
I will quit porn to show the world that we-men-can, maybe we have powerful testosterone hormones, and the world reckons that we seem to think with our bulges not brains, and I know that that is not what we want, it’s definitely not what I want, I don’t want to be a prisoner of my raging adolescent hormones, are they in control of my body or am I. I want my pure soul back, the one I had at twelve, I want my self-esteem back, and my sense of purpose back. I want my Happiness back, that happiness that come from the deepest pit of my heart, that told me that I was genuinely happy, and God help me I will.