Women struggle with pornography too - Linda's story

Submitted by a reader on Fri, 09/10/2009 - 09:16

a reader's picture

My name is Linda; I am a woman that struggles with sex addiction.

Like many sex addicts I was sexually abused as a child. As a teenager and through my 20’s I medicated myself with alcohol, pornography, sexual spanking, and masturbation all of which has progressed through the years. I can remember coming home from my job as a computer programmer and spend the next several hours sitting in front of my computer masturbating to pornography and drinking myself to oblivion. I did this everyday for years.

I had everything I wanted; a good job and a nice place to live but inside I was dying. Like many people, I have been in and out of therapy for years trying to find someone that will fix me. I came to a breaking point over seven years ago, I got sober from alcohol, but continued to act out sexually still looking for the right combination to not have to feel my feelings.

Four years ago I went back into therapy because I was suicidal. It took me 3 years of hearing of other people’s addiction to pornography before I could admit mine. My life is so much different than it used to be – I have a life today. I am learning to feel my feelings instead of acting out to numb them out.

There is life beyond pornography. If you think that maybe you have a problem – get some help. You are not alone.

Thank you so much Linda. As well as highlighting just how numbing a porn habit can be, your story is one of positivity and rejuvenation.

This is a very valuable message for anyone who finds themselves struggling with pornography.

Hello Linda,

I have to say that's a VERY brave story to share with us here. Linda's story confirms what I have strongly believed for quite some time. About why many of us turn to using porn, its an effective way to self medicate i.e. numb your inner pain, use anything to avoid really feeling how upset, hurt, raw the feelings are, to avoid that anxiety, to avoid the feelings of powerlessness,etc. To avoid in my case feeling's of fury & angry at a rejecting father who was a workaholic. YES! Use porn if you don't want to feel anything at all its very effective.

reply

Linda you have my greatest respect. One thing I can take from this is that even after years of struggle and deep lows, you managed to win through. It probably puts many of our porn habits into perspective - we can all do this and succeed.

Thanks

reply

The biggest challenge anyone faces in terms of escaping from the clutches of using pornography is " to face and feel" the real feelings, despite all the inner voices telling you to run away & turn on that computer and load up that porn site yet again. Escaping into porn is incredibly easy its almost a no brainer! but fighting your inner demons by turning & facing them, by allowing yourself to feel that distress or pain is much much more difficult. Ironically the porn escape hatch is right there in front of you but often we don't recognize it for what it is?

**Funny, I always assumed that it was just males that got completely bonkers over porn. I forget that some women struggle with the same things, just shows being human is not that much different on some levels despite your gender.

reply

"Funny, I always assumed that it was just males that got completely bonkers over porn. I forget that some women struggle with the same things, just shows being human is not that much different on some levels despite your gender."

I think it goes back to the fact that, when you really think about it, porn isn't truly sexy--not in a healthy way. As a non-addict, I can say that every time I've ever seen porn, it's seemed so boring and repetitive and laughably unrealistic. Not to mention sort of vomit-inducing, considering that the actors often seem to humiliate each other while the camera objectifies them. That's coming from a woman, but I think it's also imporant to realize that not *all* guys are into porn--in fact, I know many who either don't look at it at all or could take it or leave it (and they'd definitely leave it if they had to choose between it and a real woman they love).

However, I think that if a person has the underlying issues (sexual abuse, Oedipus complexes, whatever) that "click" with porn, it's going to push all the right buttons and seem totally irresistible. That said, I don't think it's so much a gender thing as it is a "how am I damaged psychologically?" sort of thing.

reply

Hello Margaux,

Ah!! how true the things you've said are I agree with you yet again. YES! and the thing that sexual abuse, oedipal complexes, & other forms of psychological damage all have in common is a loss of boundaries which also leads to a loss of personal psychological integrity i.e. the sense of a whole self.

The inner wounds remain unsolved or go unhealed and who knows were that may lead a person in the longer term. It means they go on acting out their chronic patterns with porn as self numbing self medication rather than facing the unconscious patterns & wounds & feelings. It means real catharsis is prevented, real change, real healing are prevented. Caught in the pattern.

I think there are also serious difficulties for many men & women around the experience of intimacy & boundaries & relationships and once again porn doesn't help any of this either. Complex dilemmas!!

reply

Seems to me one of the vital prerequisite qualities for becoming a porn star & working in the porn industry is that you must be an egotist (have a massive ego). And yet aren't all egotists extremely tediously boring as people at the end of the day, isn't it infuriating to meet someone who is only truly interested in themselves and nobody else? Me!!Me!!Me!!! look its me again on camera don't I look so cool!!!!!!!???. (screw the rest of you out there as long as your just looking at me again!!!). Its a bit sad to say the least.

reply

Alex, yes, what you said about boundaries is spot on. I think when someone without the complexes that make porn appealing is watching porn, there's a disconnect or an ability to see oneself as separate from the porn--the porn is so obviously a fantasy that it's impossible to "lose" oneself in it. However, if the porn does push those "psychological complex buttons," it's so easy to fall deep into the fantasy and forget that it's staged and fake. It's hitting way too close to home for the person to be able to maintain distance (boundaries).

Even though I don't have these issues with porn, I've noticed this in myself when it comes to certain movies or TV shows--whenever a show really speaks to my own issues, it's easy for me to get caught up in it and totally lose track of myself for the duration of the show. And afterwards I'll even feel a little out of it (I'd guess we've all had experiences like this when leaving a movie theater) and may even keep thinking back to the show in the next few days following.

I think we often underestimate just how powerful the moving image can be, in any form or capacity.

As far as boundaries in relationships, I think it's the same phenomenon. We often choose partners whose issues "fit" with our own and it's often hard to stay in the present and realize what's going on in reality when how that person is acting reminds us of mom or dad or our abuser--we project the past onto them and--voila!--we're lost in a fantasy and reacting in the same old ways we always have.

I think developing healthy boundaries entails being aware of how the past is playing out in the present and finding ways to strengthen one's sense of self so that triggers (porn that portays old scenarios or people who remind us of people from our past) aren't taken so personally--aren't such a threat to the ego.

That said, of course pornstars have huge egos. An ironclad ego is typically indicative of someone with a lot of defenses (walls) and defenses are different from boundaries. Walls let nothing in, whereas boundaries are flexible.

reply

Hi Margaux,

I trained as a photographer to professional level (photography was a strong interest for both my parents) and worked in the photographic industry for a brief peroid pre digital.

Quote: [I think we often underestimate just how powerful the moving image can be, in any form or capacity.]

ANS:- ABSOLUTELY!

**Why? because the language of the human pysche & the unconcious mind is images. Imagery is found in dreaming, dream symbolism is in image form, day dreaming & fantasies all use imagery.

**Its very very hard to form firmer boundaries & strengthen the self, develop a more healthy ego in the positive sense if your boundaries were violated in your early years. If you have broken or damaged boundaries or far too flexible boundaries its hard to undo that, and for this reason this is why abuse is so incredibly horrible. Most people have absolutely no idea how traumatic abuse is and how it can literally scare someone for life.

Quote: [An ironclad ego is typically indicative of someone with a lot of defenses (walls) and defenses are different from boundaries. Walls let nothing in, whereas boundaries are flexible.]

ANS:- Yes! very insightful observation here, indeed defense IS different from boundaries. Defenses can have boundaries though & visa versa too.

Regards Alex

reply

"Why? because the language of the human pysche & the unconcious mind is images. Imagery is found in dreaming, dream symbolism is in image form, day dreaming & fantasies all use imagery."

Great point, Alex! I wonder why, then, it's so difficult for so many people to understand why porn (or even too much TV watching) can be so incredibly damaging. I mean, in a way, it literally is brainwashing.

reply

Hi,

Quote: [I mean, in a way, it literally is brainwashing.]

Ans: Yes! not far off !!

reply

Porn imagery can be quite powerful, why? because these images are linked into our human sexual arousal systems in the brain (on a chemical hormonal level). These images subvert the normal healthy sexual function when in a loving sexual relationship with a real partner. Also these images can almost imprint themselves into the minds eye, this is definitely the case because so many people (men & boys) report being able to close their eyes yet still see specific porn images many many hours & sometimes days or even weeks after the original viewing process.

**Given that images are the language of the psyche & brain, pornography must have a very strongly imprinting effect on the psyche at quite a fundamental level. What this does to us the viewer is still unclear & uncertain with regard to the longer term effects.

reply

While I accept you feel society (and by that I mean other women in your peer group) feels pornography and masturbation are a sign of an unevolved individual, porn is not the problem here. Your behaviour could equally have been just using alcohol or drugs or food. The root cause of your poor self image is at fault. The behaviour of alcohol consumption and masturbation with assistant material were simply a means to make you feel better for a short while.

Often sexual spanking is a behaviour exhibited by people who are in highly responsible positions, usually accompanied by submissive BDSM type fantasies and behaviour. There is nothing necessarily wrong with this as the idea behind it is to give up control for a time. I suggest you look to both your self image and your negative views of promiscuous sexual behaviour.

One of the worst things about being sexually abused is that often the abused individual had positive experiences at the time. That is, they felt special because of the relationship with the adult and may even have enjoyed the physical stimulation in some cases. This is obviously anathema* to a mature responsible adult who must then try and come to terms with being the victim of something that carries such shame for the perpetrator that just to be party to it makes the victim feel polluted. Then they have to deal with the thoughts of being insufficiently protected by their parents and family - those that are supposed to love and protect them. From there the behaviour of self chastisement and/or submissive sexual behaviour whereby sexual release is associated with punishment or happens almost against the person's will allows an abdication whereby the person can justify to themselves:"This shows that I am pure and I am being forced to be sexual." The use of pornography by this individual would be viewed by this individual as impure behaviour worthy of shame. The porn isn't the problem here at all. Addiction is not simply an excessive use of pornography and like alcohol is rarely a primary problem but a sign of an underlying problem.

*major problems in treating victims of abuse are firstly the sheer understandable disgust of society at paedophilia and secondly that any discussion of pleasure the victim may feel is not allowed, after all it's such a disgusting idea how could the victim ever feel anything but disgust. I am emphatically not defending paedophilia but this problem leads to the victim questioning how they could be so sick as to feel anything pleasurable about it at any time. The difficulty in discussing this aspect publicly is also that it goes to the questions of consent and "encouragement" by the victim. Let me be clear, I am emphatically not defending paedophilia and hold it to be abhorrent.

reply

Thanks for this insight on a number of points!

"Addiction is not simply an excessive use of pornography and like alcohol is rarely a primary problem but a sign of an underlying problem." I couldn't have put it better myself.

reply

I don't think that you can blame everyone's porn dependencies on this or that complex, abuse as a child or whatever. I was never abused as a child, not even close. I had a happy childhood, a normal adolescence. I lost my virginity at age 17 to a boy I loved. We're now 22 and married. I went through depression and anxiety and now have fibromyalgia but this is completely unrelated to the porn dependency. I wouldn't consider myself 'damaged'. I don't know what it is in me that 'clicks' with porn.

reply

Post new comment

Drupal theme by Kiwi Themes.