Will I be happy if I stop looking at porn? - JW's story

JW describes his experiences of struggling with porn, and the fears and feelings that surround it:

I live in a suburban town outside of Melbourne, Australia. I would firstly like to say that I have a lot of admiration for Jason McClain who has the stones to put his name in the public domain and recognise that he had a porn addiction. That's tough; I can't even talk to my friends about porn let alone the whole world.

I am now 20, a virgin and look up soft to hardcore pornography once a day on average, on my laptop in my bedroom. I don't feel ashamed of myself; it’s a cathartic release for me. If I didn't use pornography, the sexual frustration that I feel living day to day, from witnessing my friends go from girlfriend to girlfriend or have sexual encounters while I do not, may have a detrimental effect on my social life and mental health. But I am weary that my pornography consumption may be playing a part in my celibacy.

I have never had a girlfriend, despite being a fairly confident and attractive individual. I'm not sure if pornography is the reason, but it depresses me when I witness my friends have sexual experiences with real people while I lie in bed and jack off to 'Jordan Capri's Honeymoon Part 1' or 'Virtual Sex with Tera Patricks'.

I often find myself looking up POV or virtual pornography in which the models talk and make eye contact with the camera because it makes me feel like I am witnessing an authentic representation of sex with a real person. This also worries me.

At first I started watching late night SBS films in my bedroom, hoping for a sex scene, or I would hire videos from the video library that had 'sex scene' warnings. I once stole a pornographic film from a friend’s house, which belonged to his brother or dad. The next day, after watching it, I cut it into with an axe and threw it in the bin because I didn't want to turn into a crazed pervert or let myself become someone that girls didn't like and wouldn't have sex with.

I started looking up pornography when I was fifteen on my home PC which was positioned in the living room. I stumbled across images and clips of Taylor Rain while trying to download 'Taylor' by Jack Johnson in Kazaa. Whenever I found myself alone in the house (one time I left a soccer game final that I was playing so that I could run home, knowing that the house was empty and look up pornographic clips and images) I would download tiny 30 second clips and images, masturbate, then delete them all from the computer and wipe the search and download history. I felt like James Bond.

I would purposely keep the searches indefinite like Taylor, Aria (Aria Giovanni) or Hentai (Japanese cartoon porn) so that if these searches were ever discovered they would mean nothing sexual.

I then moved onto websites that offered preview clips like 'Cum Fiesta' or 'Suck Me Bitch' which I found by looking up images in a Google search engine and signing up to free pornographic magazines and pages like 'My Free Porn Site'. I used my school e-mail account to register and every time I would look them up on my home PC I would delete the Internet history, searches, cookies and downloads when I was finished.

I then bought myself a $200 computer for the primary purpose of looking up pornography, and went crazy, sometimes masturbating three times a day and staying up late. I also developed a bad acne condition around this time, which damaged my confidence when dealing with girls in real life and drove me even further towards release through pornography. I still had acne through the first two years of university, two years in which I had no sex, didn't kiss or date any girls.

Today I look up sites that stream clips like 'Slutload', 'Xvideos', 'Megaporn' or 'Redtube'. When I'm done I reset the history and empty the cache on my Mac laptop. My sexual desire for real women wains as in my experience, trying to have a start relationship with someone, with out just getting drunk in a club, making out with a stranger in a corner and sending them a 'text' the next day to have coffee, is very difficult. I try to keep my head up and I know that this is a state of mind that I choose to put myself into, but I think I enjoy the bitterness and not giving women 'sexual power' over me by participating in the bullshit games of sex and love.

I now look up porn largely because I'm bored, and loathe women and relationships. Love is something I idolise, but at the same time it seems to me, like any relationship or sexual activity, a self-gratifying, social performance.

I know so much about sex from looking up pornography and yet I have no real sexual experience. Which leads me to believe that I am a 20-year-old male who knows NOTHING about sex or women.

Is looking up porn part of the reason for why I feel the way that I do? I assume that it has to be, but to what extent is it responsible I am not sure. And is there anything wrong with my position? I guess not if I am happy with it. But am I really happy? I don't know. Will I be happy and have a healthy sex and love life if I stop looking up porn? I'm not sure that anyone can answer that question.

You've posted an absolutely spot on account of the porn addiction experience.

And it goes without saying that porn doesn't represent real life sex or women. You're already completely aware of that, and it just adds further to your frustrations over this habit. We invest so much time consuming a fake representation; embracing images of porn into our imaginations, but at the same time disappointed and resentful of our appetite for it.

"I know that this is a state of mind that I choose to put myself into" - this really does hit the nail on the head.

For so many of us, watching porn starts out as a sexual outlet and a bit of escapism, but too easily becomes a habitual fix for our frustrations and anxieties. And these are very common anxieties - lacking confidence, intimidation at the prospect of approaching women, boredom. We find ourselves investing a lot of time and energy into a behaviour loop that goes something like this:

frustration --> "what the hell... I might as well..." --> porn session and temporary distraction --> comedown and emptiness --> frustration

But it's not just a waste of time; this repetition really can hijack and exaggerate our anxieties. It eats away at our self-esteem, and it's not impossible to develop misogynistic or embittered attitudes towards women, encouraged by the messages and ideals of porn.

And we do become experts on the mechanics of porn sex. After a while, nothing fazes us. We absorb unrealistic expectations and outlooks. Some varieties of porn take great advantage of this, continually upping the abuse and humiliation stakes of female performers.

It's not an easy thing to open up and talk about. But once you do, it can really help to get the whole situation into perspective. For starters, you realise that you are far from alone. This habit doesn't define you, and it can be resolved. You've shared your own insights here, and that's a major step forward.

Sometimes, the more we try to shut the habit out, the more difficult it is to stop. It feels like we are going to war with ourselves every day. Take a break from porn by all means, but try out some other actions too. Continue to talk about it if you have someone you can trust. Worry less about what they might think initially; it's a very common scenario, and you are completely entitled to a way out.

Read up on the various recovery options, and explore some of the forums and other great resources out there. By doing this, we become more actively mindful of our unhealthy self-talk and attitudes that always seem to lead us back to porn. We begin to notice more options; alternative ways to spend our time, and over the longer term, realisation of the relationships and connections that we really do desire from life.

Thank you JW for sharing your story, and I wish you every success.