Why is my husband hooked on gay porn? T's story

Submitted by a reader on Sun, 03/01/2010 - 23:30

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Three years ago my husband and I became empty nesters. I thought we would be having sex more often since the girls and their activities were a big part in our tiredness and falling into bed at night. After the first year when I didn't see any changes I asked him if we could talk about our relationship, specifically sex.

We both came to the conclusion that we need something exciting; we ordered some tapes and went to the Adult Shop to buy some toys. I have to add here that I am the adventuresome one and that I would try almost anything, so that can not be an accuse for him. Things seemed better for a while and than it was back to me initiating sex and getting rejected.

One day I was on the computer and somehow found a folder of some porn. Imagine my surprise - it was not only porn but gay porn. I was devastated. I waited for a few weeks to say anything because I wanted to know just how badly he was into it. Well he was viewing it quite often.

I told him what I had found and he was willing to sit down and talk about it. He assured me that he is not gay, that it is a total fantasy and he has never acted on it and it even disgusted him to actually think about having sex with another man. We talked, cried and talked some more. I told him how much it hurt me and that I did not want him to do it any more. He said he would not and that the girls and I are his life and the best thing that ever happen to him. He also wanted me to password protect the computer so he could only get on it if I put the password on. I forgave him, forgetting was harder.

A few days later when I couldn't get the images out of my head I called a therapist (recommended by a friend) and talked to him about forgiving and moving on. He advised me to come in and talk with him and that my husband should come to. My husband agreed to it and we went for a couple sessions. The therapist gave us some skills to work on and after about 4 sessions he felt we no longer need him at this time.

Things were going just fine for about 6 months and then I felt the sexual detachment again. I might add that it is just the sexual detachment. He is very attentive otherwise. We have a very active social life and are always doing things together. When we are at home we are always sitting together holding hands and talking. He tells me he loves me quite often. Again I was devasted to just find some gay porn DVD and magazines hidden away.

I know he is looking at it again because I can tell if it has been moved. I am really confused and hurt by all this. I don't know if I should turn a blind eye since he has never acted on it. I can't help but think at some point it might not be enough and he will act on it. I can't get the images out of my head. We have been married for 25 years and I don't want to throw it all away by handling it the wrong way. Help!!!

Thank you T for sharing your concerns over this emotionally delicate situation.

I wonder how many heterosexual, married men regularly look at gay porn on the internet. I'm not aware of any statistics on this, but I bet the numbers are significantly higher than you might think. And how many proceed to act out the sex they see on screen with other guys? I'm guessing again, but probably not many at all. So what's going on?

As a partner, your concerns are completely understandable; there will always be men who marry despite harbouring secret homosexual or bisexual desires. This painful possibility underlines the shock of discovering his gay porn collection, especially when he's also been detached in the bedroom. But from my experience of working with men who struggle with pornography, things just aren't so straightforward.

A lot of men find themselves compulsively using porn to distract themselves from underlying issues. Factors include boredom, stress, lack of purpose, depression, low-self esteem... the list goes on. Men often discover at an early age that the stimulation of porn numbs bad feelings, and their habit thrives in the stressful world of adulthood.

I've written before about increasing tolerance to porn; where a guy finds himself seeking out unfamiliar varieties of porn in order to maintain the buzz sensation. For a man seeking escapism from boredom or complacency, gay porn delivers uneasy, 'forbidden' viewing. His underlying motives aren't sexual, but due to the sexual aspect of his habit, it feels like he's getting sexually satiated in the process. Even when he's not watching the stuff, he's thinking about it. This doesn't make for quality sexual intimacy with his partner. Consciously or subconsciously, he's putting obstacles in the relationship.

Also, guys in this situation are confused and worried. I've seen men seriously question their own sexuality based on the porn they've been watching. Do they fancy other men in the real world? Not at all. But again, this generates anxiety that dries up their sexual confidence.

Of course, I'm not making excuses for anyone here. You're hurt and confused by your husband's activities, and you are entitled to address it. Considering the possibilities mentioned above, I suggest that you talk this through some more, and build on the quality rapport that you clearly already enjoy together.

Make clear to him your fears of losing this valued marriage. Explain that his honesty is always welcomed, but you shouldn't need to police his activities. He needs to take responsibility for all of this, and stop playing the games of 'hidden stash' and 'on the run'. Seeing a relationship therapist has helped before, and it's certainly an option now that things have slipped again.

Above all, I hope this provides some reassurance and I wish you both every success in overcoming the issue together.

I totally respect that your partners indulgence in gay porn (any porn) is hurtful for you & hurts the relationship, & brings up questions of trust & openness. However, I think it is useful to bear in mind that porn is largely about fantasy & that using porn is more about escapism from other emotional issues or situations. Therefore I would be curious in a situation like yours to know what role is using gay porn playing in his life, porn & porn related fantasies always point to some form of underlying psychological (emotional) dynamic.

Having sexual fantasies is one thing (we all have sexual fantasies), even porn stimulated sexual fantasies but acting them out in real life is a totally different ball game but you don't need me to tell you that, I'm sure you already understand that one perfectly. But the situation you find your self in is almost certain to raise anxiety levels as there remains the question what if ? i.e. what if he does want to act upon his fantasies.

Clearly, gay porn is playing an important role in his life for some reason that may not be clear even to him, let alone clear to you. The fact that he is returning to using porn points to an issue that is not yet resolved but how serious or problematic a problem it is, is hard to judge. What is clear is how hurtful & upsetting it is for you.

I think keeping talking about it is probably the best way forwards i.e. not to bury the issue, not to sweep it under the carpet and pretend its gone away. After all if someone loves you they wont want to go on causing you further hurt or pain, another way I often think of using porn is that it can be related to not loving ourselves enough. It can also be about lack of self love & also related to lack of self esteem too of course both are inter-related.

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Good story and answers. I think the distinction between real life and sexual fantasy is important. As someone who watches a few hours of porn every day, I know a thing or two about the appeal of gay porn even though I am straight.

My habit is to spend about an hour searching and setting up porn downloads, and then spend another hour or two watching the files I downloaded the previous day. So every night I have fresh porn on my hard drive, and the anticipation of watching it gets me through the crappy day at work. My life could be better than this, I know.

I've been through phases of being into gay, bi, bondage, spanking and other fetish porn. Put simply, it can be more interesting than vanilla straight porn where you know exactly what happens next.

Now here's the thing: I once watched just gay porn for a few weeks and decided that I should try it and might be gay. So I answered some casual relationship adverts on craigslist and met up with another guy at his house. As things started to happen, I got more and more nervous and ended up making excuses and leaving.

Driving home, I felt so stupid and conned. I felt no attraction to this guy at all, or any other guys. I really like girls and look at them all the time. I had let those porn files get me into this sorry situation. I learned a lesson that day.

So I still look at gay porn, but I'm going to cut down on all of this in 2010. T I think your husband might be like me. If he ever did act on it, he'd get the shock of his life. I know its not a real answer, but maybe you should let him go for it. Chances are that he would run back to you in no time.

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Hi nate,

Your story makes a powerful example about fantasy verses reality. I think porn fuelled sexual fantasy is NOT the same as sexual fantasy without the influence of porn. Either way our sexual fantasies are our's and what we imagine other people may or may not be like and the face to face emmbodied actuality of another person are two completely different things.

Its a bit like that terrible sexist male joke, (bloke talking to his mate in a bar looking at women) nice body I really fancied her until she openned her mouth and spoke!! If you only look at somoene with the focus only on the persons physical sexual attributes then you see what you want to see but you miss many many other apsects of that person including ones you may not find at all attractive. Then there is also projection, our projections i.e. seeing what we want to see because we project those things onto another person but if the project wears off or drops away we end up seeing the other person for who they are NOT as we imagine or would like them to be. The reality may be quite shocking even or extremely different from what we had previously seen in that same person. We may have seen them as sexy or attractive but now that the projection has gone they may be unattractive even urgly,etc. Projection is a psychological & psychic process takes place all the time its a fact of life to a greater or lesser degree.

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Its like pictures of a model like Kate Price or other porn starlets can look totally amazing but if you then met that person face to face at some event you would be quite surprised at how completely different they were from what you saw in the image. An image is only a two dimensional representation but doesn't tell you anything about the personality, feelings, ideas, way of talking, likes & dislikes of that person, etc,etc. You may fantasize all you like about a model in a picture in porn but the fact is that someone like Kate Price might drive you crazy when you spent some time with them. They may even turn out to be quite horrible or selfish self centered person someone in reality that you dislike because they are so staggeringly different from what you imagined. Reality is always going to very different from what you imagined.

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The elephant in the room seems to be the husband is either gay or bisexual. Being aroused by gay porn pretty means it's one or the other. The husband needs to sort out what it is, so he stops hurting his wife and himself with his obsession.
It's quite possible he's attracted to her but due to depression, doesn't want to have sex with her. (I'm bisexual and I have gone through phases of not wanting to sleep with women, the emotions don't feel right at the time. It's a separate issue from being attracted to men).

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Living a lie is hurtful for everyone. A double life always turns into an elephant: especially when children are the focus of marriage. It hurts so bad, that forgiveness is always a must, but the memories are never lost. It's like a bad dream while awake, and to forget is impossible.

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I thought these words by Robert Brennan were helpful for men who struggle with this temptation.

http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/01/26/men-overcoming-homosexual-po...

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Being gay or bisexual has nothing too do with god or religion though. Having a gay or bisexual sexual orientation comes way way before any notion of spiritual or religious understanding in childs development in the early years before puberty.

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Mr. Gilkerson, I speak as a bisexual man - my attractions to men are not something I wish to "recover" from ... nor should any other gay or bisexual man. I understand that you and others will have a different viewpoint. I speak from experience, however, something I doubt that Mr. Brennan does, in that embracing same-sex attraction makes me feel healthier about attraction towards women, as I am not repressing or shaming part of my nature. The problem is not gay porn, it is porn. All of it. And when I feel sexually healthier I am far less likely to look at any pornography - of any nature.

There is no reason why a man cannot love and be sexually attracted to a man, online or in person, and not love and be sexually attracted to a woman. The husband in the original post is struggling with something that shame and silence will not remove, they will only make it worse - for him AND for his wife.

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I just read the Robert Brennan article - it's the first time I've come across his theory of 'unfulfilled masculine development' in this context. Personally, I'm not sure I agree with much of it, but intriguing ideas nonetheless.

But, as pointed out by Alex and E, it is the tone of the whole article which has potential to offend. Brennan has craftily intertwined the positive motivation to overcome porn addiction with a supposed need to stop 'living with same-sex attraction'. He applies the language of 'recovery' and 'healing' to both ideals. Even the article title is loaded in the same manner.

So his anti-porn addiction method comes across as overtly anti-homosexuality too. If that's his viewpoint then so be it, but I agree with E's comment above. Couples like T and her husband need support in overcoming their predicament, but I'm not sure that Brennan's approach is the way to go.

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I have been married for 27 years to my high school sweet heart. We have three children and I have never desired to be with anyone but her. Nonetheless I practiced self gratification regularly throughout our marriage. I thought my wife less interested than I in sex and self gratification didn't require her acceptance of my advances. This practice was selfish and devoid of emotional attachment and created sexual feelings without requiring any emotional energy.

Adding a forbidden component to this practice with gay porn increased the experience. This behavior became addictive even though I had no desire to be with another man. This behavior was contrary to my true feelings but since I had no intention of acting on them and only had emotional affection for my wife I ignored my behavior. That was until my wife found gay porn on my computer!

When that happened I came face to face with the reality of my actions. I was frightened, confused and devastated that I could have been trapped by a compulsive behavior and at a loss to explain why. I still have no desire to realize this fantasy and even the thought of my past behavior is now repulsive to me. I can attest that a man get aroused by something that he would have no desire to realize. Part of the arousal is because it is unattainable.

That being said, if you can be drawn into things that you would not usually find acceptable it is frightening to think what a human is capable. Lesson to be learned is don't experiment with anything that you are not comfortable with, even if it is just in your imagination. I suppose some of the criminals who have committed unthinkable things may have started by entertaining thoughts that they originally new where not right for them.

In my case this happened two years ago. If fantasizing with gay porn means that I need to be gay, for me the answer is quite simple. I have no further desire to view gay porn. For others their answer may be different. Your husband must answer this question as well and needs to be fully aware of the dangers of entertaining thoughts that he feels are contrary to his nature.

For you, you need to decide if you can accept your husbands past behavior, assuming he has desire to change. If his behavior has become compulsive, as porn can, he may need to be honest enough to seek out help.

In my case my wife has been unable to reconcile my past behavior. Although I have never had a gay encounter, before marriage or after, she feels like I have rejected her. I know that this is common for any women who's spouse has viewed porn. Women find it hard to understand how men could be aroused without any emotional attachment let alone on things that don't really desire.

I have waited on my wife, hoping that she will change her mind once she has healed from the betrayal. I have been patient because I was the one who caused her this pain. It is looking more and more that after 27 years we will be going our separate ways. I could accept her rejection if I didn't feel she was leaving because she thinks I don't love her. We have lost so much, if you and your husband are committed to work together as a couple, be honest with each other and remain faithful both in thoughts and deed, you may be able to rescue your relationship.

Good luck.

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Hello Dean, Im sorry to hear about what happened to you and yr wife over this. I dont have a wife or girlfriend yet but I spend a lot of time looking at gay porn and getting off to it. Im not sure why because Im not gay and dont want to have sex with a man. I look at straight porn as well but gay porn does feel forbidden and really hot. I want to stop looking at so much porn for a lot of reasons and one of them is to leave the gay thing behind and get a girlfriend for real. Your story spoke to me and I hope your wife can see that it wasnt about you not loving her.

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Maybe, to your wife or girlfriend, it seems highly unlikely that something so protectively held and nurtured isn't a basic part of who you are. Maybe, as far as she's concerned, you already HAVE acted on your desires and there's no place in them for her. She may be resentful (or, more likely, really angry) at having been denied the opportunity to make an informed decision years ago, when she still had her life ahead of her. She probably doesn't see how innocent it is, at all.

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Joan,
You are right that she feels used. This is one of the most painful parts of this for me. I did not think I hid anything from her when we were married. My desires were for her. My actions started out what some might say as innocent enough, but pornography is a progressive, addictive behavior that can take you where you never intended to go. If she feels she should have been warned, all I can say is that I should have been warned as well. That does mean I feel innocent, just the opposite, I am not sure if I will be able to forgive myself for the pain I have caused her. I hate porn and I hate myself for what I allowed it to do to us. If nothing else, I hope my word can be a warning for anyone who thinks it is harmless.

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Hi Dean,

Thanks for posting your experience, and sharing your heartfelt and honest reflections. We often hear from guys who struggle with gay porn, and the resulting risk to their marriages, and it's important to realise that they are not alone.

Joan's comment from a partner's perspective is absolutely spot-on. Your wife's hurt and mistrust is understandable, and it sounds as if this is a deal-breaker for her. It may be that all you can do is listen to her, fully acknowledge her pain and demonstrate how motivated you are to live differently now. She is entitled to her healing in the direction that she chooses, of course.

For your own recovery, it sounds like you have constructive, if regretful, perspective on everything that happened. Some hetero-married men watch gay porn because they harbour secret gay/bi feelings. Other men aren't gay at all, but feel compulsively led by the escapism and buzz of viewing 'out of comfort zone' porn. You have identified with the latter, and you certainly aren't alone. Often, the compulsion is driven by deeper feelings of disconnection, depression, sexual shame or low self-esteem. This isn't an excuse but it is a genuine causation.

Either scenario, of course, has potential to devastate relationships. It's not inherently bad to fantasise and view porn, gay or straight or whatever. But there is a price of admission, and for some guys this means addiction, secrecy, confusion and withdrawal from partners. Your experience has highlighted this, but it doesn't make you a bad person. Bad choices, bad timing maybe, but not a bad person.

You clearly have desire to change, and I hope this helps you to explore and face the insecurities that may have underpinned the habit. Please feel welcome to discuss further here, and I hope you can find, in time, the self-forgiveness that you need.

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