When it feels like struggling in perpetuity - by D
This is a struggle in perpetuity, many have got into it, got deep into it and have got out of it. Many others like us continue to struggle against this for days, months & years.
I am one of them, it's quite frustrating really because time and again the same routine plays up and at the end of it there's just a concoction of shame, guilt & anger followed by a burst of determination for a few days, only for the urge to come back again and so goes the cycle.
But now I've learnt it and am noticing all the triggers. The sad part is I know the triggers, am aware of it, yet give into it and though the frequencies have reduced it's still there. My weekends have me battling against this all the time. I'm worried all the time but in a moment all the worry is forgotten when I get glued onto these videos.
It's extremely challenging to replace the porn routine with new habits, and even though we may want to, at the back of our minds it's the old routines that keep pushing us. I can tell now from experience. I started the actual process of quitting a year back and have tasted some success, but am stumbling too often. Someone on this blog rightly said, it's real people & fruitful activities that fill the voids in life and not the paid models on the net.
Ticking calendars, self talk, new language, social performing group and now a daily diary are all steps I have taken. However somewhere there's always a stumbling block and then I feel that all the efforts are wasted.
Today and henceforth I hope to put in a greater effort to rid of myself, words are easy to say hard to put in to practice... but it's time to get real.
Thank you D for sharing so articulately an experience that many of us will relate to.
It's certainly true that unwanted habits aren't just broken or beaten; they are replaced. It's essential for us to keep exploring and learning, both about ourselves and the opportunities for change that are within our grasp.
Throughout this process, slip ups and bad feelings are inevitable. But every time we bounce back with new learning, the old habit instinct shrinks a little. Remember to enjoy focussing on what you do want rather than what you don't. The way you would like to live, the people you would like to know, the things you want to achieve. This mindset keeps us pressing forward.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Hello D, From my
Hello D,
From my experience a porn habit has x2 aspects, firstly a mental or mind or thinking level i.e. self talk or that voice in your head. Secondly, it has an emotional / sexual element which are not rational. Both of these aspects can spontaneously as if from literally no where, rise up & in body & mind & push us towards using porn again. This can even happen without going any were near a porn image, the porn pattern has this extra ordinary irrational power over us, it appears to come back at us often when we least expect it. This is the worst aspect of a porn pattern (porn habit).
Why? does this occur? this happens because we have suppressed or pushed away our deeper original emotions when we used porn, we used the porn to numb out & not experience those difficult feelings. However, our repressed emotions remain within our psyche meaning they don't actually go away just because they have been pushed out of our awareness. This is actually what a porn habit is, its a pattern of repeated irrational behavior created by the denial of feelings linked in association with explicit sexual imagery.
If we deal with the original difficult feelings (i.e. allow ourselves to feel the feelings rather than deny them) which may be a challenging even difficult process. But the more the original emotions are felt , faced & released through catharsis then the fuel is taken away from the porn pattern. Porn starts to have less & less pull or power over us. Its NOT an easy process but the power of a porn habit can be melted or dawn away until it ceases to have any remaining influence.
Dear Alex So then the habit
Dear Alex
So then the habit will eventually go away? I'll stop thinking about porn and that urge will go away?!?
Hi Z, I think I agree with
Hi Z,
I think I agree with Alex although I get a little lost in his description! But I think the point is that porn as the focus of compulsive behaviour is not the entire story. Porn addicts are not people who really, really love porn. They are usually people who are compelled to look at porn and might not even understand themselves the underlying reasons, except for some superficial notion of it being exciting (or memories that it used to be).
In therapy, when we start digging around we begin to find contributory factors - self-esteem issues, relationship difficulties, job insecurities. I think what Alex is saying is that if we face these problems head on, our subconscious has less reason to compulsively crave comforts. For porn addicts it's porn, for gambling addicts it's gambling.
Whilst treatment in this way removes the fuel, there's still the question of triggers which are easier to deal with in the absence of underlying 'unmet needs', but still tricky nonetheless. An ex-smoker is no longer dependent on nicotine, yet they will forever have the occasional craving - the mind sparking off of some trigger.
Z, from my experience the habit can be defeated, yes. We will remain susceptible - stress or emotional problems will trigger the same porn urges, but we will have learnt how to deal with them.
Hello Z, QUOTE: Dear
Hello Z,
QUOTE: Dear Alex
So then the habit will eventually go away? I’ll stop thinking about porn and that urge will go away?!?
ANS: YES! indeed the forces that fuel the habit ( the porn obsession, porn compulsion call it what you like!) are gradually reduced and just like a candle in a jar. If the original emotions are faced up to, if you allow yourself to feel these original feelings and if they are released and expressed fully then the flames go out. The porn habit has in effect had its oxygen taken away, the end result is that the irrational behavior pattern/s can indeed be over come. BUT have no illusion all this takes courage, persistence, commitment & real determination.
**The end result is that your energy shifts & your interest in porn per say drops away.
NOTE: HOWEVER!! I still completely agree with NIC's comments. This melting of the old porn habit & just because you've not viewed any porn for a long long time, does NOT remove your vulnerability or susceptibility to porn in the future. Just like a recovering alcoholic who is now dry and just drinks orange juice & has no desire for alcohol they will always remain highly at risk of alcohol. Especially if they meet with some kind of stress or crisis this is when there true resolve is tested. Porn in this sense is the same, hope that makes sense.
Yeah, I get it. I've gotten
Yeah, I get it. I've gotten myself into something I can never fully recover from, only get better with. And for some reason it ticks me off! I can't believe how foolish I was to get involved with porn in the first place!
Hello Z, Replying: Using
Hello Z,
Replying: Using porn for what ever reason IS actually a choice. You may not think so or see it as a choice, but its my sincere opinion after many many years is that using porn is a choice at some level. It may be a highly irrational choice I agree!, it may be a poor choice in terms of its effect on your well being. Using porn may not even be a conscious choice for many of us, its an irrational choice, its fueled or driven by many factors such as a) the desire to escape from ourselves temporarily or b) to avoid very difficult feelings.
No.1 dealing with the original difficult denied emotions & releasing them though expressing them helps to un-link or uncouple the causes with the porn pattern (behavior that drives you towards using porn) This drains the oxygen or life blood from the porn pattern, the pattern starts to fade away, looses its power, eventually it dies away.
No.2 Porn is always going to exists, its not going to go away. Therefore its vital to put into a wider context (perspective) the ever present risks of slipping back into the old ways of behaving. The risk of using porn all over again even after you think you are free from it, is an ever present reality sadly!
No.3 Even though I am free from using porn & even though I have put firm boundaries around porn so its filtered out from my internet use. I am constantly aware that I could end up letting the old pattern come back if I hit a bad spot or tough times in my life. This is even now a very real & present risk you have to understand this. Overcoming a porn compulsion doesn't remove the risks of behaving the same way again as you did previously. We are all at risk of this kind of slippage and porn is a constant magnetic force on the internet, the porn companies want to create dependent hooked porn users so they can make money from them this is their aim, there real motivation, its making money from our weaknesses. Its not a very nice thing to do to people, you could even says its pretty horrible, its certainly NOT moral that's for sure!!
Dear Alex So how do you
Dear Alex
So how do you suggest I face my emotions? It may sound crazy, but I feel like there is a wall between my emotions and me. I can feel the wall get thicker everytime I use porn. I know it takes about a week of no porn to break it down. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I feel like maybe I'm crazy. Is it normal to view your own mind this way?
Hello Z, That's because
Hello Z,
That's because perhaps there IS a psychic & emotional wall between you & your emotions? have you ever considered that this might actually be the case? The more you or I deny our original emotions the thick the emotional defenses become this is actually how it works, this is the truth sadly. The abstinence of a week is the amount of time it takes for the pain killer or numbing effect of porn to wear off.
Quote: So how do you suggest I face my emotions?
ANS: You can only face your emotions when your NOT numbed out due to the effects of having used porn. However, this means that when difficult feelings arise which they inevitably will, it means allowing yourself to feeling the feelings rather than deny them & numb them out using porn. In other words if your used to depending upon porn to avoid such feelings what I'm suggesting to you will probably seem quite counter intuitive but actually its using porn that's really counter intuitive not the other way around? Hope this makes sense to you.
Quote: I’m not going to lie, sometimes I feel like maybe I’m crazy. Is it normal to view your own mind this way?
ANS: This is because using porn generally speaking does tend to have a very bad (negative) effect on a persons mental emotional health. YES! doing porn can make you feel your going crazy, & the more you use porn the worse that kind of experience can become. Doing lots of porn actually has a very bad effect on the psyche. Doing lots of porn makes all our insecurities worse, doing porn tends to make any of our problems or difficulties worse, it kind of has a magnifying effect almost.
**Don't laugh be I found receiving regular body massage really helped me to put me back in touch with my feelings, this is also helps grounding your energy and on top it has the additional benefit of being a wonderful experience with a good masseur.
Yeah I get it. In order to
Yeah I get it. In order to quit porn I need to face my emotions and in order to face my emotions I need to quit porn; does that about sum it up?
Hello Z, Well that's NOT
Hello Z,
Well that's NOT quite what I was saying exactly. What I was trying to communicate is that using porn represses certain feelings. Feelings that are hard for us to face up to, feelings we don't like or cannot handle. Porn has a numbing effect, meaning that the difficult feelings are then denied or pushed away, porn acts like a form of pain killer. Using porn thus re-enforces a pattern of irrational behavior, i.e. so when I feel these horrible emotions I turn to using porn then they go away but this only strengthens the porn habit, the porn habit will only come back because we (you or me) haven't dealt with the original difficult emotions.
So what I was attempting to say is that the pathway to free ourselves from porn or our porn habit is to face these difficult emotions. This is a hard thing to do because at first sight it seems counter intuitive, we are so used to repressing these feelings (I find my anger difficult to handle or express because it seems so intense & so big yet turning to porn used to be my way of trying to avoid these scary feelings). What I am saying is that by allowing those difficult emotions, by letting them out you will no longer need to use or rely on porn. If a person lets out & expresses their pain they no longer need the pain killer of porn. Thus the porn habit slowly fades away over time. The way to ween ourselves from using porn is through allowing your actual emotions & to not stifle them.
Or find other ways to deal
Or find other ways to deal with your anger. I'm seeing a therapist who is helping me deal with my anger, its helping me a lot. I used to get involved in self destructive actions when I was angry, and since working with her I am more relaxed. One thing that she taught me to do is express my anger with people. I was raised in a family where women are supposed to be soft spoken, delicate blah blah.
I'm learning that its ok to be angry..and that's helping me a lot.
She also is trying to help me find ways to deal with it, I have tried taking my dog for a long walk when I'm angry. Its working somehow..
Try to find other ways to deal with your emotions, at the end porn is a habit you have to break.Instead of watching porn,work out..or do something that you enjoy..
Hello again F, I believe
Hello again F,
I believe that there is actually a direct relationship between anger & using porn. Not only that but I think its a very powerful relationship between anger & using porn. If we as men (or boys) especially repress or suppress our true feelings of anger we are likely to dis-empower ourselves, porn ironically will leave us feeling even more impotent than before that's the utter paradox of porn!!
**These are just my own opinions based on my own experience but I feel that these ideas may well fit or be relevant to many other people.
I wouldn't know about anger
I wouldn't know about anger and using porn, I'm a wife of a husband that had problems with porn. So my anger was mainly because of him and what was going on..but at the end, anger is anger, no matter what the source is.. and we should all learn what to do with it.
Hi F, I understand what
Hi F,
I understand what your saying. In addition I would like to suggest that there is anger & there is anger, but what matters is how anger is handled & expressed outwardly. Anger can be extremely powerful in a constructive sense if handled appropriately, it can be treamendously releasing & healing. But anger mishandled can be a dreadfully destructive thing, and heres the real kicker anger denied or repressed is even more destructive!! And this is why its so relevent to the problem of porn & porn compulsion.
Maybe that's why my anger is
Maybe that's why my anger is so strong. It hasn't happened recently but when I tried to deal with my anger in the past I lost control. I forgot who I was, where I was, and all I knew was I had one choice. When I get angry, I have one of two thoughts, I need to get away or I have to fight. Usually what happens next is I black out, and am told that I've done these destructive things. The worst part is the fear I now realize I have. What if during one of my episodes I do something I truly regret? How do you suggest I deal with that anger, that rage?
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