The man I trusted has betrayed me in the worst imaginable way - S's story
Oh God, where do I start?? My husband came to me last week to let me know he may be in some trouble with the FBI and Homeland Security. It seems they came to his place of business and raided his office and took his computer because of his viewing history and possible possession of child porn.
He stated to me that he looked a couple of times in 2007, only to find out that he has been consistently looking at it since 2005. Mainly girls of various ages, all teen and preteen. Uh hello, we have a 16 year old daughter. So now here is sit alone, mad as hell, hurt, violated, betrayed, sick to my stomach and waiting for the other shoe to fall. He has been kicked out of the house and I cannot talk to him without going off. He asked for permission to come and get a few things, only to find out his real intent was to get his home computer out of the house.... could there have been something there? Will they take my daughter? How did we get here?
It's all bad, and only going to get worse. I am an emotional wreck. I have read everything to try and understand, but this I am afraid is something I will never understand. What I do understand is that my marriage is over, the man I trusted to be my rock has betrayed me in the worst imaginable way. I wish it were another woman; a red sports car; another man; adult porn only. But this is too much.
He has no idea how big the circle of people he has affected is going to be. My daughter HATES her father, and yes she knows what is going on, I had to know if he had touched her so I told her what was going on. She assures me nothing happened and I believe she is mad enough that she is not covering. So when what seemed like a perfect 17 years marriage, beautiful home, nice lifestyle and church going family falls apart what do I tell people? For now all I can say to explain my way out of this is that my husband cheated on me. In a round about way it is the "candy coated" truth.
The pain and anger are almost more than I can bare. Will he go to prison? I don't know. Can I save my marriage? I don't know. Do I want to save my marriage? I don't know. Will my daughter and I be able to overcome any humiliation? I don't know. What I do know is I sit here alone and my husband is not with me out of choice. He chose to be selfish and ruin everything because he can't keep is @#&^ out of his hand and in his pants. That about sums up my day, anyone got any suggestions on how to get through tomorrow?
Firstly, I would recommend that you consider professional counselling for yourself and your daughter during this horrible and harrowing time.
Of the of men who struggle with porn addiction, a very small percentage go beyond the boundaries of legal adult material. For those that do, and their impacted partners, there are inevitable questions that require a more dedicated approach than I can offer through this advice blog. The origins of your husband's appetite for such material can be complex; whatever the outcome of prosecution proceedings, he will require specialised counselling. Even if he is spared prosecution, we can only hope that he has the motivation to seek it anyway.
It's clear that your husband has an ongoing compulsive behaviour issue. Despite awareness of the legal and personal risks, he has been unable to steer himself away from this most damaging activity. But as you say, he still chose to act on these impulses every time he viewed this material. Whatever the underlying issues may be, he is accountable for this situation and there are no words of exemption or excuse.
Exploring your own emotional reaction with a counsellor will help you to focus on your way through this. And the prospects for your marriage do hang in the balance. My humble suggestion is that your husband has an immense amount of recovery and change to make before there can be any plausibility of continuing your relationship with him. Both you and your daughter need time to recover from this depredation or your trust, respect and love for him.
I sincerely hope that you are able to find the support that you need.
This is a valuable cautionary tale for anyone who feels similarly driven by an obsession with porn.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Hello, I found your story
Hello,
I found your story very moving & incredibly sad. I could really feel your sense of pain & anger & utter betrayal. Betrayal is betrayal !! & there is no way around it, no way to soften the blow. Betrayal is like a tearing of the heart, we shut down our hearts when we are betrayed in such a way, and to heal or recover from betrayal requires its own process, a process that cannot be rushed and it will take its own time. Will take the form of different feelings & emotions from anger & fury, to a deep sense of grief. Indeed a betrayal can feel a lot like grief because it is actually a form of loss i.e. a loss of trust and a loss of love.
**I have little else to add to what Jason has already said. Except to say that his porn obsession was NOT your fault, & so it is vital that you MUST NOT beat yourself up over this, nor even turn the blame inwards on or against yourself. There was probably little or nothing you could have done to alter or change his behavior. The porn problem is totally your husbands. Your husband has to now take 100% of the consequences for his actions and he has to also take 100% responsability for himself.
**YES! some professional counseling might well be very helpful for you, and it might help you sort out your feelings and it might help you sort out what is a very confusing situation. Help you make sense of what you need to do next in terms of actions & practicalities, what you do & don't want to happen next with your marriage,etc. I would definitely encourage you too get some counseling even in the short term it would help you I would suggest. Remember this is NOT your fault at all.
A horrendous situation for
A horrendous situation for you and your daughter, and my heart goes right out to you both. I believe that distance is the best option for you, and probably permanently too. This guy needs help and support yes, but from where..?
I wouldn't worry too much about friends and social groups - they only need to know what they need to know. You could simply say that things weren't working out and your issues suddenly came to a head. Understatement, I know, but the last thing you need is to be worrying about other peoples judgements.
I hope things work out for you all.
This story shows we should
This story shows we should not make light of using pornography. Porn can & does result in dreadful difficulties & shows beyond any shadow of doubt that using porn has a very dark & nasty side to it. It has real and traumatic consiquences for other people's lives, not just the porn user, it has life changing consiquences once a boundary has been crossed. Porn doesn't just hurt the self (us, our self) its like throwing a large rock into a pond the effects ripple outwards into the wider reality of life, including those closest too us or our work collegues,etc.
I agree with everyone who
I agree with everyone who suggested you seek help and support for yourself. I, too, am the wife of a porn addict, though my husband's habit has yet to become as extreme as your husband's. This level of betrayal is very much like a death--it's a huge loss of trust, a loss of the person you thought your husband was, a loss of your hopes and dreams for the future. And just like when we experience a death, it's so important to allow yourself the time and space to grieve. It hasn't been easy for me, but I find that the more I deal with this through therapy, support groups, and by taking good care of myself, the more I'm able to reach a level of acceptance and find some peace. I truly believe that all suffering can be an opportunity for growth, and even though this situation sucks beyond belief, there is a way out and the future can be bright.
My situation is just as
My situation is just as devastating. My husband lost his job (18 yr career) because of internet porn being viewed at work. my hopes and dreams are also lost. Why? I ask. This is a wonderful father with 2 teenage daughters. A caring man. I found he was still viewing porn even after he was fired. I was so scared, yet he didn't seem bothered by the whole situation. He found another job for a lot less money. I am so afraid he will continue this at his new job. He is an IT person. Always on computer. at work. He lost his pension, his financial stability. after 25 yrs of marriage, he has ruined my life. We had all these plans of growing old together, and enjoying our golden years together. I feel betrayed. I don't feel comfortable with him anymore. I have thought many times about leaving and finding the life I so much deserve even if it is without him...
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