Sometimes reality doesn't measure up to porn - Carl's story

Carl kindly submitted his experiences of pornography through our what's your story form.

My addiction to porn began when I was 18. It was the late 90s and internet was a new buzz. I was not aware that here I could find all my fantasies acted up by 'real' persons. It was a mixture of surprise, joy and discovery. However, I was entering a virtual world of fantasies which I used to only avoid confrontation with reality. Since then 9 years have passed and with up and downs I still am suffering addiction.

Sometimes reality seems just a pallid reflection compared with internet huge pornography.

Nonetheless, due to work circumstances I have been for quite long periods (3 months) of time without surfing for porn, but I still cannot resist the urge to see some. I guess that what really makes it appealing is the easiness with which I can get hold of some sort of sex without the need to be accountable to someone.

The feelings that this addiction has provoked in me is guilt, self-loathing and shame. This is a big problem. I will try to have a go with your plans. What you are doing is great and you are helping people to deal with something which is cause of suffering and can destroy lives.

Thank you!

Those tantalising early days of discovering internet porn or cybersex... vivid memories that most addicts will fondly recall. And I certainly wouldn't say there's anything wrong with that. It really was an experience of almost wonderment at all the sexual learning and discovery that the internet has to offer, long before any of the pain, frustration and guilt-tripping of addiction set in. For those of us who develop a compulsive relationship with porn, it's a turn-on that we constantly, desperately seek to re-experience. That's when things can get out of control.

When we begin to dedicate more and more time to viewing porn, it's inevitable that we start to absorb the messages of porn too. Over time, the habit alters our outlook towards sex, erotica, other people and ultimately our own self-image. When porn compulsion really sets in, we blur the distinction between the fake porn-world on the screen and our everyday reality. The instant-thrill world of porn begins to appeal more than real-life experience, and feels more and more like an escape.

'My life doesn't measure up to this. I'm entitled to to experience some of this action for real. The people I meet are sexual objects, and they're either hot or they're not. This is my private luxury and nothing's going to spoil it.' ... Many addicts find themselves hearing these kind of self-talk assurances. At the same time, we know something is out of control. We grow to resent the wasted time and lost opportunities, and make well-intentioned efforts to go cold turkey. Sooner or later, we just seem driven to return and the habit starts all over again.

Facing up to the feelings of resentment and negativity is the first move in really addressing an addiction, and you have already taken this essential step. Guilt, self-loathing, suffering - you've openly recognised the emotional fallout that the habit is causing. My recovery plan will help to assure you that this is an extremely common reaction to addiction, but it certainly doesn't define who you are. Feelings of crushing guilt and shame are part of the addictive cycle, yet beneath all this lies another rational adult who fell into a problem habit for some reason. My guide can help you to identify that reason without any guilt-tripping, and begin to open up options and permanent release from the escapism of porn.

I really appreciate your words of support, and hope that this helps break through some of the negative funk that builds up around porn addiction. I wish you every success.