Sometimes his lies hurt more than the porn - L's story

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He came clean to me about his porn addiction six months into our relationship. I was devastated, I'd had no idea. I thought it was me, that I wasn't attractive enough or I didn't satisfy him. We fought and cried for hours trying to figure out what to do... He told me it wasn't me, that he'd had this problem since he was 15.

He told me he used to stay up for hours at night watching it. I told him to get help, but he refused. He promised he would never watch porn again, he told me I was all the motive he needed. Finally we agreed on putting a program on his computer to block porn. He was at home for the summer anyway and didn't have access to internet, so I figured it wouldn't be a problem.

Boy, was I wrong. Everything came crashing down on me again when I visited him at his dorm a few months later. I decided to check his history, and I discovered that he had been looking at anything and everything he could get his hands on. Yeah, the program blocked porn, mostly... but he was still getting nude pictures and some rather disgusting videos on YouTube. (He'd been constantly lying about when he went to bed or did homework so he could do that instead!)

He told me that the program made it worse, that not being able to have it made him want it more. That when it was blocked he wasn't proving to me or himself that he could do it. So I left the program on his computer, but just to log, not block anything. He once again promised he would never watch porn again, and that he would come to me if he had any urges.

It's been over 7 months... I thought everything was fine. Then I got an e-mail from him talking about using bondage and doing some kinky things. He told me he'd been looking at stuff online... I was immediately suspicious. I told him I wanted to look at his history. He'd pulled an all-nighter looking at that disgusting stuff! He was "shopping" for FOUR hours. I couldn't believe the stuff he looked at, I wanted to be sick.

He forgot his computer at my house that night, and the next day I had this feeling there was more to it... I went through his history and discovered that he had been lying about EVERYTHING. I think the lies hurt more than the actual porn. He lied and hid everything from me a million times...

A couple times a week he'd been going on YouTube, sometimes for hours, sometimes with hundreds of searches and videos... I hadn't known because the program I used didn't flag YouTube as being inappropriate. I was looking in all the wrong places... looking at the lists of pages made me want to puke, I couldn't believe my eyes. He PROMISED!

I told him about it and he claimed he didn't know what I was talking about, he didn't do anything. Then I listed a few of the searches and he told me he could explain everything. He came over and I showed him his history... the scariest part of this is HE DIDN'T REMEMBER. He honestly thought he was clean for 7 months. He didn't remember all the searches on YouTube or looking at pictures or any of it. How is that POSSIBLE?! It didn't seem right to me.

He tried to tell me that it was because it wasn't technically porn, he didn't think he was doing anything wrong, so he forgot all about it... I'm not sure if I buy it. But when I showed him the hundreds, maybe thousands of pages he'd looked at in the last 7 months, he completely broke down. He admitted that he needed help. I told him he had to get help if he wanted to stay, and he said he would, and he told me he'd pay for therapy for me if I needed it.

What makes this more hurtful and scarier for me is some of the stuff he was looking at, and the circumstances. Apparently he has some sick fetishes I never knew about. A lot of his searches include the word “torture” or “pain” and he watched a lot of videos of girls being eaten by snakes and girls stuck in quicksand. That CAN'T be normal. Another thing that seems wrong to me is he told me sometimes he looked at stuff for hours, but didn't masturbate. Or he would just play with himself, but not get off. WHY?! Why would he do that, it makes no sense to me, it seems so wrong!

He told me a few days ago he couldn't get therapy. He doesn't have the time or the money, so he put an accountability program on his computer instead, and he seems to think it'll help. I don't know what else to do. Should I force him to get therapy? Should we wait it out once again, even though technically this is his third strike, and I told him I'd leave?

I'm only 18 and he's 19... I love him him so much, we've already discussed marriage, but now I'm wondering if I should just get out now... I want to help, I just don't know if I have anything left to give, or if there's anything left for me to do.

I'm scared that he'll never get over this. He was so young when he started, his brain was more susceptible to the images, what if they never go away?! What if he quits and months or years later he goes back to it? What if I marry him and he does this again? I'm afraid there's nothing I can do, and staying will just hurt me more. I already feel so self-conscious, so hurt and alone... it's been tearing me apart for a year now. I'm afraid I'll never trust any guy ever again... I could really use some advice here...

Thank you L for sharing your story here. I'll try to address some of the concerns that you have raised.

A porn habit often introduces extremes of honesty and deceit into the relationship. And it's painfully disconcerting for partners; you never seem to know where you stand with him. At times, his confessionals seem so honest and positive, and it feels like things can get better. You offer your understanding and support. He really seems to appreciate you policing his activity... and then he blows all your confidence again on all-night porn sessions and further lies.

So you are having to play 'porn cop', and he gets to play 'on the run'. These are the painful mindgames of porn addiction.

I'd say that accountability programs, web-filters and logging software can be helpful as part of a structured plan to overcome the habit. But a solid recovery plan includes actions to build self-awareness, improve communication, learn new ways of living and getting the whole porn thing into perspective. Using these programs without a plan can feel too much like going cold turkey. It becomes a test of willpower, and the temptation to beat the software can appeal too much to the old cravings.

Without a plan in place, accountability software can also place too much responsibility on you. He needs to put in a lot more effort, or risk straining your relationship even further. You can't fix the problem by monitoring him.

Unfortunately, you can't force him into therapy either. It's his responsibility to become accountable and take the necessary steps to make changes. I take the point that therapy is often expensive, but not that it takes too much time. That could be interpreted as a lack of real motivation.

So what's a better approach for you both? I often advise going to see a bookstore before a therapist or doctor. There are some very accessible books and online resources to help him understand that he's far from alone with this issue, and everyone can find a way out. For starters, my own Porn Game Over plan explains the fundamental recovery methods for less that $15.

Lastly, let's consider why he does this thing. Essentially, it's a coping mechanism that's supported him for a long time. His compulsive habit formed long before you came on the scene, and it's true that it is not a reaction to you or your relationship. He might find that porn provides regular feelings of control, routine, ego stimulation and escapism. As a grown man, there are healthier and more authentic ways to meet these needs, but the abundance of internet porn makes it so difficult to let go of the old habit.

For many guys, the trance-like escapism of watching porn isn't a straightforward masturbation routine any more; it has more meaning than that. This explains why he spends so long watching porn but not fully masturbating. When he orgasms, the harsh reality of his habit floods in and he feels bad. He wants to delay that for as long as possible. It's a sure sign of using porn to distract ourselves from the stresses or responsibilities of our everyday lives.

I hope this is helpful, and wish you both every success.