Shyness, boredom, and wasting time with porn - D's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 03/05/2010 - 20:33

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It pains me to sit here and express that I'm not the same person inside as I'm from the outside. To people around me, family members, friends, colleagues at work, I am the soft spoken, harmless, shy, sober bloke. I am one who doesn't smoke and does had not have hard liquor, but on the inside have been addicted to porn, have a long relationship with it and have been using it as a form of escapism, am habituated to it.

Result, lost time which could have been utilized better, made fewer friends, lack of socializing and really created a void for myself. Yes the introversion certainly one of the reasons behind the lack of socializing, but that doesn't not discount the fact of my own fetish and fascination for porn. Watching it on my friend's laptop, then going over to their place as they had cable channels beaming porn content, eventually seeing it all on the internet just made me want more and ultimately trapped me.

It's been pretty much a one sided battle, with my porn hunger winning over my will power. Returning from work in the evenings, lonely weekends, boring holidays all called for porn filled sessions followed by guilt. It's only after much resource and soul searching last year that I stumbled upon this blog and have found some respite, not without relapses though.

I've tried cold turkey, helped to some extent, joined a social group, helped, but relapses continue and that worries me. As is the case with me I could sit and watch the models in the videos but find it so hard to talk to women. While peers, friends have female company to hang out with I'm busy hanging out with the same, only on the computer, in a fantasy world.

I'm now hopeful of starting again with some external help to maybe augment my efforts and kick this for good. My approach now is more rational and realistic with a clear understanding that relapses are part and parcel and that I've to learn to manage those slip ups with greater grit. However I'm also thankful that my addiction has not reached a point of no return (if there is one) and that I have developed the good sense to arrest it before it's too late.

Thanks for this blog.

Hi D

Thanks for sharing your story here, and it's good to hear that you're finding this site helpful. I'm really pleased that your are feeling more positive and assured about your determination to overcome this habit.

There's no denying that for most of us, slip-ups are part of the process of change. At one time, lapse into a drug or unwanted behavioural habit was counted as failure, by both the person and anyone trying to help them. But research since the 1980s has proved this approach to be outdated and unhelpful.

It was about this time that the distinction between lapse and relapse was acknowledged. By getting this into perspective, and developing coping strategies for lapse situations, we can prevent them from escalating into full-blown relapse into habit.

Coping strategies include lifestyle balance, noticing unhelpful self-talk and learning to surf those urges. Sometimes, social-skills development can be beneficial too - especially when we've isolated ourselves with porn or used it to escape from feelings of social awkwardness. Joining a social group is really positive move, and one I often recommend. This kind of self-development is a big part of moving on from porn and embracing life.

There's no escaping just how rubbish a slip feels, especially when we felt like we were making progress. It's best to fully recognise the lapse (what brought on the cravings, why we didn't handle it so well this time, what our self-talk was saying) but avoid getting despondent or angry with ourselves. Every time we pull off this trick, the habit is further weakened.

Ok mini-lecture over! Here's wishing you every success.

Relapses are part of the deal, yeah. I tried cold turkey several times and would feel weak when I went back. I didn't realize that very few people succeed with cold turkey approaches to anything.

After on and off attempts at being healthier, the longest I'd made it without porn was one month over the last fifteen years (not including a three month period where I had intensive counseling that kept me pre-occupied).

I haven't look at porn in two months now, and haven't really had the urge, although I do have to be careful, for sure. It took me a long time to sort out what triggered my urges and also to develop a happier life outside my home, where I isolate. I even went on a date last Saturday. I haven't gone on a proper date in years.

It can be done, and it's hard work. I see a therapist every two weeks and we check in about my porn usage. I have a filter (OpenDns - it's free) that blocks porn. I have look at breasts a couple of times and felt rather iffy about it, but I didn't feel like I'd relapsed and felt better that it didn't escalate into looking at hard core porn. If I never ever see hard core porn again, I'll be happy, but my urges require monitoring for sure.

Good luck to you, D. And good luck to everyone who posts here and/or reads here.

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Hello,

I can relate very strongly to your story D, and I can strongly empathize with your struggle with porn. Many of the elements of your story fit with mine too. I'd like to tell you that your really NOT alone with this struggle, there are many of us trying to over come the need for porn. Yes! its a hard road to travel but it can be done, it is possible to leave this behind & move on from needing to use porn. I found that a combination of therapy & now using OpenDNS internet filtering keeps me away from porn content. I still have the odd slippage but even these are becoming few & far between. The main thing is to fill the inner needs with people, friendships and other forms of social contact (don't isolate yourself behind closed doors) i.e. the more pleasure & fun & enjoyable activities you have going on the less you will need the porn. Hope that makes sense?

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Thanks Guys for all the advice...Jason, Top Job in running this blog, Alex & E...your progress and advice has motivated me even more to give this up. There's a lot of substance in what you say and I truly hope that all of us continue to progress and beat this vice for good. Thanks.

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ADVISE:- Question, How do you eat an elephant?

ANS: one spoon full at a time.

In other words small steps & don't be in a such a hurry! Slowly Slowly Catchee monkey!! that's how it is with porn. You have to try to avoid the need or yearning for porn slowly bit by bit. And if you slip don't take the big stick to yourself. Just let it go & put it behind you & try to move onwards again. Forgiveness is much more constructive than beating the shit out of yourself over a slip.

**NOTE: Just because you used or viewed porn DOESN'T make you a BAD person. OK! using porn is not the most desirable thing to be doing, its better to avoid it if you can. But your not a bad person if you fail to avoid porn either. Porn is just an Achilles heel that's the way I see it.

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Great story D, It has really convinced me I can kick this addiction that's been destroying me over the last few years I havnt been as social (Why socialize when you can look at naked women). I accidently found porn at the age of 8 while bored I was going through reccomended links on the start menu, I saw a "Adults" section and me and my 8 year old mind thinking I was as mature as an adult decided to click afew, I was surprised but attracted to see what I saw (Later found out it was hard core porn). So I kept looking for about a year then I lost nterest untill hormones kicked in at age 13 and I remembered porn, I've been fighting it on & off for 3 years now, I've tried everything without sucess but your story as inspired me to step back and find the real problem so I can overcome this which has consumed my life. Thank You.
-SK

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No Problem SK, we're all in the same boat. Glad to hear that my story has inspired you to take stock of the situation and beat the habit for good. We all can relate to each other here with our different stories but our GOAL is one i.e. to Kick The Addiction...It true, is a difficult process, a long road but there is light at the end of the tunnel if only we keep moving forward.

I have come to realise that there's no point loathing yourself if you are addicted and if you relapse, as Alex quite rightly says, it's a Slow Bit-By-Bit process and we need to gradually withdraw from it. As Jason points out, a practical approach is paramount. I hope you will come back SK, at a later stage only to tell us all that you have begun to quit and have made headway on this. All The Best.

D

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I don't see myself as an addict or even an EX addict. I see myself as a man who's particularly vulnerable to the siren pull (magetic attraction) of online porn. I see that porn is my achillies heel, a weakness if you like. That in fact porn is NOT the real problem for me, when you can identify what your undelying problems (issues) are then you start to see that using porn is mainly a reaction or method of trying to avoid the deeper pain or deeper distress. Porn is just a convenient means to numb that deeper distress, sadly porn wont remove or help heal the deeper issues. However, deal with the deeper issues and I firmly believe we grow out of the need for porn, once a degree of inner healing has taken place then the pull of porn reduces, the need to numb your pain reduces. Why? because reducing your pain at source (at root) means you no longer need to depend upon porn to numb out, no need to numb out means no need for porn. Deal with the pain at source & porn drops off bye itself.

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Using porn is very similar to taking pain killers, it numbs one pain & temporarily appears to take it away. Sadly & paradoxically using porn also adds further distress to the original pain. Porn just like alcohol or other drugs doesn't fix the problem it only proves a short term temporary escapism from the original pain or problem. This is why porn becomes so compulsive because there then exists the need to numb out again & again as the original pain keeps returning. In this sense porn is like a signal or a stark message that your not dealing with the real deeper pain or problem in your life whatever that might be. And you know what I think many of us know this as some level. We know we reach for the web when we are feeling a certain way, I know I did.

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Yeah I'm trying to quit cold terkey right now... After only 3 days my mind is more clear, I know what day it is, and, while it is still there, my guilt is sorta less. However I still have porn on my I-pod, which I am texting from right now but I know if I try to delete it I will lose it... You guys say that relapes are part of quitting but I'm not sure. While I can think better my mind is still hazie. And the urges are just getting worse. This blog has helped my so far but I think I need more. Is there a chat room or something like that, cuz talkin to real ppl at our weak moments would sure help.

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im a porn addict and i have been watching porn since i was 13. i have made an effort to stop this year and i must say it is very hard. i have gone to a max of two weeks but i always find myself doing it again. i dont know why i do it but i mostly do it when im angry or i am sad or bored. when i porn free long enough i start seeing images in my head especially when im doing nothing. and as usual whenever i watch porn i masturbate. my addiction has gone soo far to the extent i even do it in the living room with people around. i have been lucky enough not to be caught but i feel like its getting out of control.

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Hi everyone.
Personally, I turn to porn when i'm bored or have nothing interesting to do. The pull is really strong. So strong that soon i have to turn to it again even if i'm otherwise fine and having fun. I sometimes quit porn for like 2 months straight. And then if i lapse again, it sort of becomes extreme. I have a craving for it for many days straight. Finally i have to force myself. Like pursuading a child to throw away his candy because its harmful. The child doesn't know its bad for him, but it is. So what would a good parent do? Give the child something else thats tasty enough to compete with the candY. What i'm saying is that we must find something else to do thats equally exciting. I know that when i'm learning a cool new song on my guitar i know nothing of time. I wanna play it the last thing at night and the first thing the next morning. I forget about anything useless, like porn. Learn something new always. Never let ourselves get bored. Keep ourself occupied in an interesting way so that we'd rather spend our time doing that than watching porn.

Another very important thing is, never be alone. We're all susceptible to loneliness. Surround ourselves with people. People with good habits. I'm sure their good qualities will soon rub onto us. And Be inspired.

Make real friends. Most of us just lack someone with whom we can really talk to. To whom we can turn to with a problem such as this.

And guys, Be disciplined.

Lets try this much for now. Goodluck all to us!

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"Give the child something else that's tasty enough to compete with the candy" - you nailed it!

I completely agree with what you say. It's about having a longer-term view (listing goals and discovering new things that we enjoy doing), plus reactive strategies that we can use when the urges are biting. These include taking a step back, a few breaths, noticing what's going on and reflecting in the moment on exactly what the options are. When we're feeling gripped by addiction, we don't even see the other choices - turning to porn is like a reflex. The more we practise breaking down that old reflex, the easier it becomes.

Lots of positive advice and observations shared above - thank you guys :)

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