Relationship in meltdown - Karri's story

Karri kindly submitted this summary of her porn-addicted boyfriend experience:

My boyfriend prefers porn and online sex to any form of physical contact with me. We've been together for 6 years and have only had sex 5 times in the last 3 years. I am worried because I think his addiction has moved to more and more shocking images, bestiality etc. It's only a short jump to paedophilia and worse.

As for me, I've had enough. I just cant cope anymore in a sexless relationship where my body is an object of disgust. I am frightened that there are many, many men out there like him so not sure whether to even bother looking for another boyfriend. Internet porn has turned my whole world to shit.

Firstly, thank you Karri for sharing your situation and fears with this site. It's clear that your relationship is in deep distress, and falls terminally short of the respect and appreciation you deserve.

As a starting point, it should be clear that your boyfriend's attitude towards you is extremely unlikely to be the cause of his fixation with porn. His disinterest in sexual contact with you is a horrible consequence of his addiction. It is not a reaction to you, your sexual appeal or appearance.

There are so many factors that can lie beneath porn addiction - your boyfriend may even be aware of what drives him to obsess over porn, or it may currently be hidden in his subconscious. This is no excuse for his behaviour, of course, but it's quite likely that the origin of the problem is unrelated to sex. For the addict, internet porn can feel like compensation for some very obscure emotional pain or frustration.

In order to envisage any way forward with this relationship, you may need to read up a little on the nature of porn addiction. Partners can often channel their natural anger and disgust into a clear descision for proactive change, and a recovery process begins in small steps. In time, you and your boyfriend will need to be able to honestly communicate about all of this. It will require his genuine acceptance of a problem and a willingness to change. He may learn to appreciate this opportunity to open up his own fears and confusion. At some point, you should make it clear that you expect to see some specific improvements in his behaviour and his interaction with you as his partner. Set a definite deadline for this, and assure him that he has your support throughout this time of adjustment. Patiently remind him of all the available resources that could be explored: self-help guides, recovery plans, counselling and couple therapy.

Essentially, the dealine should be very real, and his actions rather than his words should determine whether he's prepared to embrace real change. If he choses to deny, bury his head in the sand or play games, you may be able to help no further. In that unfortunate event, your best efforts cannot be stimulus enough for him to change, and hopefully the experience of being dumped will deliver the wake up call that he needs. It's up to him to deal with that - your focus should be on your own future by that point, and your new life starts.

After enduring the acute distress of a relationship impacted by porn addiction, it is quite easy to build a picture of living in a world of shallow, selfish, porn-obsessed men. Media coverage, survey statistics and even support websites like this can help support such a picture. It's important to see the issue in context. Yes porn addiction is a reportedly growing problem, but it remains a fact that male casualties are firmly in the minority.

Most men, even those who look at porn sometimes, are perfectly capable of keeping it in perspective and holding down fulfilling and loving relationships. I wish you every success, either in aiding your boyfriend to face up and regain this position, or in finding a new partner who shows the respect and love you are entitled to.