Reacting to his lies - M's story

M describes how she discovered her new husband's porn habit, and how she fears for the future of her marriage:

I was hoping for some views/help. My husband and I got married 7 months ago and I found out a few days ago that he has been talking to a woman on web cam and telling her what to do to herself for his pleasure (via a paid site). I am very open minded and don't mind him looking at porn (in moderation) but interacting is crossing the line.

Last night he came clean and said it wasn't the first time and that he started looking at porn a lot lately (the last month) and normal porn wasn't doing it any more so hence now interacting etc. I chucked him out when I found out. It worries me that if he is doing this after 7 months of marriage what will he be doing in 7 years when porn doesn't do it any more?? Especially if we had children and couldn't be intimate for a while.

By the way he lied about it all, I found out and had to beat it out of him.

Any help would be appreciated...

When faced with these horrible realities, wives often reason that if the sexual relationship was more intense or satisfying for him, he might not have resorted to internet pornography. This is a very common assumption, but it is also flawed.

Your husband has identified that his porn habit is escalating into paid cybersex. There will be underlying reasons for this, but it is not a direct reaction to you or the levels of sexual intimacy that you share. As important as mutually satisfying loving is for a fulfilling marriage, there should be no onus on you to keep him from seeking online distractions. He must be accountable for his own values and actions.

His appetite for porn will have developed long before you came into his life. His habit may have laid dormant for periods of his life, and as is the case now, it will have reached compulsive peaks too. You have been sucked into this problem, but the ownership lies with him.

Long-standing habits thrive behind defence mechanisms and barriers, and his lies are very much a part of that. It's natural to react with intense feelings of betrayal and anger. Now that he's 'come clean', establishing communication and openness is the way forward. If he continues to be beaten up for his activities, he'll resort to the role of 'victim' and console himself with more secretive online sex. That route leads to mind games and more painful fallout for you both.

The challenge of rebuilding rapport and trust together is not to be underestimated, and certainly takes time. Whatever porn has provided or distracted him from in the past, he now has the opportunity to face up to some major changes. This requires his motvation to develop a recovery plan, which may include researching the problem of porn addiction, visiting a therapist and learning new instincts of behaviour. It's a tough trip, and the assurance of your support can be extremely beneficial.

When couples are able to agree on this way forward, relationships certainly can be rebuilt and renewed. I hope that he maintains his honesty with you; as unpleasant as his revelations may be, this is the essential first step of recovery. You are not expected to understand or feel sorry for him, but if you can encourage his continued open dialogue and actions, this painful situation can be overcome.

I wish you both every success.