Pregnancy, my partner and porn addiction - Katie's story

Describing her experience of addiction, Katie shares her concerns about keeping it a secret, and facing up to change:

My addiction started when I was pregnant. For some reason, it seems as though your sexual appetite grows then. My husband would not come near me for the entire pregnancy. He now says he was afraid he was going to hurt the baby. He didn't tell me why at the time. I felt abandoned, yet didn't want to leave as we were just starting our family.

I felt like porn was a way I could stay faithful and yet could satisfy my urges. Now, I realize just how destructive it has become. My baby is now 2, and I can't seem to stop.

My husband has tried to get our love life back, but it isn't working. I keep finding myself turning back to the porn. I don't know if it is a deep down psychological thing or what. I don't know if I fully trust him. Since our relationship has suffered, I am afraid that if he catches me reading the sex stories (it's the stories where I can imagine the girl is me, not pictures) that he will take our baby and leave. I am afraid of what will happen if I don't break the habit and the baby finds it when older.

I am mad at myself because I feel like I should be on the computer less and down on the floor reading books, playing games, and bonding (wholesome play), and that I am missing too much of the baby years. I am working a lot, and to lose more time to this, it is just not fair to my baby. I don't know how to fill this void that grew when my husband wouldn't come near me. I don't know how to trust him again.

I don't know how to break this addiction on my own, keeping it secret, but can't trust him to tell him. And, I don't know how to break this addiction without somehow filling this void so I don't come clicking back. I would be ruined if my family found out, yet continuing this behavior is ruining me from the inside out. I don't know if anyone can relate. I know this isn't usually a female issue. It is for me though.

This form of addiction is most commonly a male issue, but it's easy to underestimate how many women are experiencing a problem relationship with pornography in some form. In 2005, a US survey reported that 28% of respondents who admitted to internet sexual addiction were female. The accuracy of surveys can never be guaranteed, but there's no doubt that absolutely anyone can potentially fall into this situation.

One major reason why a compulsive behaviour can develop so easily is 'positive intent'. Every habit forms to meet some purpose, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. As much as we may begin to loathe the addictive routine, it continues to serve some purpose, and can even expand to gloss over other issues in our lives. This makes the addictive cycle of behaviour even more difficult to break out of; there feels like so much more at stake.

You've clearly identified one of the positive intentions for turning to pornographic stories - a means of staying faithful to your husband and satisfying unmet sexual urges. It's quite likely that the function of the habit has developed further. Many people experience porn addiction as a substitute for intimacy; a distraction from relationship issues and the self-esteem fallout that so often results.

Ironically, the painful habit can also provide a kind of 'secret indulgence', weirdly enhanced by the partner's unawareness and inevitable shock if they ever found out. Of course, this can only work against a relationship in the long-term. Repeated indulgence in porn fantasy can often warp our outlook on sexuality and levels of expectation from a physical relationship too. Just like absorbing adult images or movies, pornographic stories can have exactly the same effect. Again, all to the detriment of real, lasting relationships.

The process of breaking out of porn addiction presents a range of options and approaches. A gradual opening up of this secret issue to a partner can be extremely beneficial. Contrary to some beliefs, I'm convinced that the problem can also be overcome individually, without jeopardising a relationship further or risking the family stability. There's no single route to addiction recovery; it's about working out a recovery plan that suits you and your circumstances.

A great starting point is realising that you are certainly not alone with this issue, and lasting, self-motivated change is completely achievable. A positive plan of action will help you to build increased awareness of your habitual routines; the positive intents, the triggers and addicted self-talk that may be driving you in circles. It's a process of taking step-by-step actions to face up to the unwanted habit whilst rebuilding real-life interests that may have fallen by the wayside. Addressing your guilt at the wasted time and rebuilding trust and intimacy with your husband would make ideal long-term aims for the plan.

The recovery plan available from this site can certainly provide a thorough basis for taking action, and I'd recommend exploring the range of online advice available for overcoming addiction. Your plan has to work for you, and it's a very individual thing.

I'd very much like to thank you for sharing your story with such frankness and honesty, and wish you every success in building on this route out of addiction.