Porn was my ally against anxiety - H's story

As I sit and write this, I feel like a failure, hypocrite, terrible husband, and a lost soul.

My story begins at age 5; my parents constantly fought, yelling and hitting each other. One of my earliest memories is of me sitting on the kitchen floor with my mom after my dad smashed my wooden highchair over back; I can still see the dust and sunlight in my eyes as my dad grabbed his coat and left.

It wasn't until age 6 that I found my dad's magazine stash in between the mattress. Of course I was too young to understand the chemicals rushing through my veins at the time, but I knew it was an amazing feeling, and I wanted it again. My parents fighting left no shortage of sadness, and in a way, I didn't mind, as I had a new ally.

At age 9, I experienced my first masturbation experience, and it opened a whole new world for me. Looking at "Swank", "Hustler", and "Barely Legal" became an everyday event for me. Of course over the years it became more hardcore with the invention of the VCR, and DVD. If I had a bad day at school, watch porn and masturbate, if I felt good because I aced a hard math exam, reward myself with porn and masturbation. It never mattered how I felt, happy or sad, I always rewarded myself with porn.

My addiction has now become so bad that "normal" porn doesn't do it for me. I need a higher dosage, if you will. This has scared the hell out of me!

I really want this addictive nightmare to be over. I know it will take time and HARD work, but I feel like I can do it. My first step is going to be to tell my wife today. She knows about my abusive childhood and I know she will be supportive.

My second step is going to be to find professional help. If anyone knows any groups, therapists specializing in porn addiction, or anything else that would help in the Metro Detroit area, please leave suggestions in the comments. This is the first time I have written about it, and it actually feels therapeutic. Thank you Jason for starting this site, it is encouraging to see that I am not alone.

Hi H,

Thank you for sharing your story here. I'm sure that many of us will be able to relate to your experience.

Your story highlights just how much impact that first porn discovery can have. Even at a very young age, we begin to develop the habit of escaping into pornography to numb bad feelings. As you say, it can become our reward of choice for good feelings too.

The stimulation of porn seems to makes it ok to enjoy sexual pleasure and celebrate ourselves. Some guys have said that obtaining fresh porn was the only thing that made them feel truly alive. They felt that porn enabled them to transcend their inhibitions and low self-esteem, but found that it made matters worse in the longer term.

Much respect to you for facing up to this and talking to your wife. That's a huge step forward, and I hope you are able to locate a nearby therapist. I'm racking my brains because I'm sure I know of someone near your area but can't locate the details. I'll let you know if it comes to me!

Above all, your words prove that you haven't failed. It really is never too late to turn this issue around.  Here's wishing you every success.