Porn is my escape mechanism - BG's story

In response to the Daily Mail article, BG reflects on the origin of his habit. He explains the dilemma of facing up to change, and the potential loss of an essential escape mechanism.

Having read the issue of the Daily Mail today 11 February 2009 I felt compelled to visit your site and find out more. Spending sometime reading and please understand I have only been on the site for a matter of hours so I am sure others will enlighten me, but I feel that many seem to talk about Porn itself as the ‘cause and effect’. I maybe wrong, but this hasn’t been my experience at all.

I think my path was somewhat set because of a tragic incident in my very early years. I can only say this now because I have the luxury of hindsight. I became a ‘Porn Addict’, because I was involved in a car accident that killed my 5 year old sister. It destroyed my family. From then on my parents were unable to functional normally. Throughout my formative years, I developed many symptoms from learning problems to behavioural issues. Although they provided as best they could I was emotionally and often physically neglected. Tragically this neglect developed into sexual abuse! Not by my parents I might add, but by others! If my parents ever read this they would be devastated, but the truth is that they have lived, (understandably) in denial, which has been devastating for me!

Reading some of the stories on the site, and in the paper I am disturbed at how bad it seems to effect people. It has caused me to look at my own behaviour.

I am married and have two beautiful daughters aged 7 and 3.5.  I can clearly relate to some of the habits. I can now see how subtle the effects are over prolonged periods.

What forced me to write this short story is I clicked on you’re ‘The  Porn Game Over Plan’ and began to read the four steps you talk about. I was about to purchase it and suddenly stopped. At first I wasn’t sure why. Then I began to look at my situation more deeply.

Porn is a coping mechanism for me. It does not provide answers. It has simply provided me with an ‘artificial-safe-haven’! Sick I know, but true! The best thing for me? No, but at the time essential.

The reason I stopped was because I suddenly realized that if I started to read your plan and do it, I would be getting rid of my safe haven. However I have to decide whether or not this is my first step at trying to exercise my demons. My road to peace! Porn for me is just a stop along the way on a train journey called escapism. Not from daily life, but from the memories of my childhood! The one saving grace I have (well four infact) my wife and my two daughters, but also that whenever it gets just too much, I don’t go on the web and look at porn. I walk out my front door and find someone who needs some help more than me and I try my best to help. It is my therapy!

I truly wish everyone on this site all the very best and pray and hope you find some peace. I know I am still searching for mine.

If anyone has any comments they would be most greatly received.

Firstly, thank you BG for sharing your story and raising this important issue with such frank honesty.

I agree with you about the common misconception that pornography is the 'cause and effect'. When we develop a compulsive relationship with porn, the underlying causes are usually more profound than simply having an insatiable appetite for the stuff. As yesterday's article highlights, the possible causes are many and varied; procrastination, insecurity, boredom, stress release and escape... to name just a few.

This distinction is often missed by the anti-porn lobby. Admittedly, resources like this website can also risk perpetuating the 'we're all becoming victims of porn' mindset. There's a delicate balance to be struck; watching internet porn can become an extremely addictive escape mechanism, and the adult industry takes very profitable advantage. But porn is not the cause and effect, and this is why increased awareness and understanding of the issue is a lot more helpful than censorship campaigns or moral crusades.

Though their own circumstances may be quite different, I think many readers will be able to empathise with your 'artificial-safe-haven' feeling. So what tips the balance from a harmless bit of essential escapism to a behaviour that needs to be changed? The decision should rest with us as individuals, free from guilt-trips about doing 'a bad thing'.

For many of the people who contact me or buy my self-help guide, the fallout from their habit has begun to outweigh the pleasure or distraction it provides. The immense waste of time, jeopardised relationships, plunging self-esteem or the feeling of being trapped by our own private rituals. Very often, this is a scary and intimidating place to be.

With a background in clinical hypnotherapy, I'm very interested in tackling compulsive behaviours head-on. Practical techniques such as aversion therapy certainly can help relieve unwanted habits, and open our imaginations to new ways of living day-to-day. But these approaches don't address underlying causes; for some habits or obsessions, there is a risk of removing an essential coping mechanism or allowing the issue to transfer itself to some new habit or behaviour. For some habits, we need to get to the root of the issue, and this certainly applies to porn obsession.

So I aim for a two-pronged approach; tackling the daily urges and frustrations of the habit itself, and putting the issue into context so that we can reflect on underlying fears and feelings. For most people, both parts are essential for lasting recovery and really moving on in life. This is a long-term process of change, and I hope that my recovery ebook provides some of the essential pointers and tools for kickstarting the process.

You mention your own therapy in managing troubling memories, and I think this is a very insightful point. As you suggest, your own relationship with porn is one aspect of your escapism, but it isn't inevitably driving you to addicted rack and ruin.

I hope that you continue to find my website interesting and of some benefit, but I certainly won't presume to judge whether you, or any other reader, has a problem that needs facing up to. If my site helps to put this issue into personal perspective, then I feel like I'm doing my job here.

Thank you again for writing, and I wish you every success.