Porn feels good like a drug - AF's story

The parallels between porn obsession and drug addiction are often quoted by people struggling with porn. AF kindly shares his current experience of medicating anxieties with pornography, and his determination to do something about it:

Whilst I had masturbated from the age of 14 it was only when I got access to the internet in my mid 20's that thinking about sex and marathon masturbation sessions became a real problem.

I am in my mid 30's now and the addiction has quite literally ruined my life.  I am determined to not let it worsen my life but I feel like I am in a vicious circle.  I am currently using internet porn to fill the void created by my imminent divorce.

I realise that the act of viewing pornography for hours on end is not good, but at the time it feels so good. It is like a drug.

I will beat this though and get on with my life. I have the will and desire to make a change. I know it will not be easy. I have tried and failed before. I may fail again but I have to keep trying to beat this.

The behaviour ritual of anxiety-obsession-relief-comedown-guilt-anxiety is indeed a vicious circle. It becomes a deadening routine that many readers will feel only too familiar with. It's as if porn becomes our escape route from the pressing concerns of our daily lives; a quick fix to take us into the realms of arousal and sexual intrigue.

We might make this connection during childhood or our teenage years, when we first experienced porn, but it really kicks in with the trials and tribulations of adulthood. Through times of heightened anxiety such as divorce or redundancy, we can find ourselves dependent on the numbing effect of our porn habit. The consequences of frustration, emotional emptiness and sheer wasting of time only conspire to make matters even worse, but we lose sight of any way out.

And so it does feel like a drug dependency; an addictive fix that demands more and more of our energies and attention.

It's useful to remember that the 'ideal' of recovery (some life-changing, overnight 'road to damascus' experience) is very much an ideal. For most of us, if not all of us, the reality is an extended battle that can last a frustratingly long time. If we can continue to learn and take interest in recovering, all the setbacks and victories are worthwhile.

You have recognised the essential nature of your habit; you have identified why the distraction of porn is so alluring at this challenging stage of your life. My suggestion would be to continue researching recovery options on my site and all the other resources out there; it really is a step-by-step process of building a set of recovery methods that work for you.

A slide back into relapse, and the ensuing feelings of failure and despondency, are often an inevitable part of the journey. A large part of recovery is noticing and acknowledging these feelings, and then using the experience gained to develop further self-awareness and motivation to succeed.

Thank you AF for submitting your story, and I wish you every success.