Porn addiction is not who I am – L’s story

I am writing this because I am desperate and for the first time, I am feeling brave enough to actually do something proactive in this problem I have been nursing since puberty.

After hitting several road blocks for the past 30 minutes in finding a place where I could simply write a message to someone out there in the world… and ask them to pray for me…. I found this site. I’m scared and unsure what is going to flow through my fingers into these keys but here goes.

I am a 21 year old honor student in college. I’m a Christian, I was Saved when I was 16 by asking Jesus to come into my heart and be my Saviour. After I was Saved my life changed dramatically. Even though I was never a “bad” kid growing up, suddenly I had a much more meaningful reason to live…. to glorify God, to praise Him – and to lead others to Him! I was so happy and overwhelmed by this new transformation of my heart. Only, there was one problem…. I was dealing with an addiction I had kept hidden since I was 13… an addiction to viewing porn online.

The first time I ever saw porn was when I was probably around 11 or 12. I got an email that had really explicit images in it and immediately closed the email and left the computer. But, throughout the day those images kept popping back up in my head when my curiosity was too much to bear, I went back to the computer to look at the email again, and again. After a couple days of this, my fear of being caught by my parents overwhelmed me and I deleted the email. I didn’t think about porn until a few months later. While my dad was in the shower I found a couple of weird magazines under his bed. These porn magazines were full of images that made me think of the first email, so I read them, one by one, and poured over the images. Although I grew up in a very sexually-open family (meaning sex was something we weren’t uncomfortable talking about, or pushing under the rug like some of my friends’ families) this was something interesting and unique…. and these images were unlike anything I’d seen before!

After this went on for probably 10-15 minutes my dad walked in and caught me. He was extremely upset and I was mortally embarrassed. Pleasing my parents was the most important thing to me – and now my Dad’s opinion of me was tarnished. I sat in the kitchen while my Dad explained to my Mom what had happened when she got home. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. My mom explained to me that those were “magazines adults looked at because they thought they were funny” and said I hadn’t done anything wrong and she knew I was just curious. She did tell me they were bad though and they were going to throw them away.

For another year maybe I didn’t pursue porn for the fear of getting caught. Sometime later however, I do remember the first time I purposely sought out porn to view on my grandmother’s computer at her house. My grandmother had a computer room with a door that locked and somehow (I’m not really sure how) I began looking for porn on her internet one day. I was stunned and excited at how readily available it was – it was everywhere! And it was so easily accessible – a click of the mouse and a couple key strokes and I had everything right in front of me! I looked for hours. I would come downstairs and socialize with my grandmother and family for a while and then return upstairs, lock the door and search for more images. At the time it didn’t arouse me to look at the images, I just liked looking at them and longed to find more. Sex was a mysterious thing to me and it seemed like these websites showed me everything I needed to know about it!

I first began masturbating when I was 13, by accident really. I didn’t know what I was doing, or really why or what the goal was. I didn’t know what an orgasm was, and the first time I had one I really thought I was sick or maybe about to throw up… but then when the pleasure began was when I realized this was the entire reason for sex, for that wave of pleasure. After that first occurrence, masturbation became a very regular activity for me. Not only did it feel good, but I was getting better at it. There was the fear of course, of getting caught though. I shared a room with my younger sister at the time, and my mom or grandmother (not the one with the computer I used to find porn, the other one that actually lived with my family and I) where always in and out of my room bringing in clean laundry, and other various things. A couple times I nearly did get caught which caused me to be more careful and limit my activity to times when I could definitely be alone.

Sometime in this period of puberty (puberty was so very awkward for me…) I began mixing porn with masturbation and finding it was a very pleasurable combo. Now I was aroused by the images, videos and erotic stories I found online and knew how to cover my tracks – by deleting all of the history and cookies in the computer.

This horrible cycle continued on-and-off through high school until two things happened:

ONE – I became a Christian and suddenly realized that all of this activity was not only harmful to my mind, spirit and body, but it was adultery in my heart to God and the man I would someday marry. I was absolutely disgusted in myself and swore I would stop. This proved harder than expected and I was now seeing that this wasn’t just an issue – it was an addiction.

TWO – I got my first boyfriend when I was a Junior in high school. Together we were best friends and when to church and Bible Study together. I was so incredibly happy with him and for the first time in my life I had absolutely zero desire to view any kind of porn at all. I was free! God had sent me the man I thought would be my husband, and I was freed from my desire to look at that horrible, disgusting porn ever again. This was all well and good until my Senior year in high school.

My mother (who had been dealing with an on-and-off drug addiction since I was born) died of a drug overdose. This was totally unexpected and crushed my world in a way I can’t put into words. My grandmother (who was very, very close with my mom) was now only the shell of the person she once was. Missing my mom has destroyed her. My mom and Dad had been divorced for many years by now… and as soon as the memorial for my mom was over, my Dad made a special trip from his new home in Florida (several states away from where my sister and I lived with my mom and grandparents) and took my younger sister away to live with him. My sister was traumatized and was not allowed to call or communicate with my family at all. My Dad promised if I did anything to come between him getting my sister and taking her away, he would take me too. The only reason he was sparing me was because I had a serious boyfriend, and I was about to graduate from highschool.

So here I was, no mom – no sister – grandmother emotionally unavailable. Well, at least I still had my boyfriend. As long as I had him (I thought) everything would be okay.

Not so much. One week after our big, romantic 1-year anniversary date he broke up with me for another girl we were both really good friends with. Losing the last thing I had, I sunk into a deep depression and prayed that God would pull me out of it. Despite how much I prayed, I just didn’t want to pull myself out of my sadness. I had lost three of the most important people in my life in a matter of 90 days and I wasn’t about to let that go.

After three months of depression, not eating (losing a lot of weight too, to my delight) and withdrawing from family and friends I couldn’t take it any longer. I woke up one morning – DETERMINED – to start living my life again. Without my boyfriend I could be a whole person. I had God on my side and my mom was my guardian angel. With this frame of mind I pursued life once again. The end of my Senior year was amazing and I started my Freshman year of college with much fervor and excitement. However, I had fallen into my old habit of browsing porn late at night when the whole house was asleep. I can’t really put my finger on the reason why it started again, but it did and with full-force.

I am going to be a Senior in college when school starts again in August. I have been battling this addiction on and off for the past four years.. but it’s been developing into the monster it is today slowly ever since I was around 11, 12 or 13. I am a very active member of a wonderful Bible-based church. My family is close but very divided – my Dad and sisters live in Florida, very far away from me – missing my mom is still a pain I live with everyday. I live with my grandmother (the one who was destroyed when my mom died) and she is like my second mom and I cherish her more anything in this world.

I hate, hate, HATE this sin that has wrecked my life, spiritually. When I look at porn it’s a temporary release from life, an escape from the stress of my busy-busy-busy life I lead with my school career, my full-time job of 2 years and the tons of friends and family I try to balance. I know that God is sad when He sees me doing this to myself. After I do it I go through the same cycle- I feel enormously guilty and avoid God for some time. Then, when I finally feel a little better I approach God about it and ask for forgiveness. I beg and plead Him to take this desire away from me! After a lot of spiritual warfare and prayer (mostly just with myself….sometimes I don’t think I deserve God’s forgiveness so I don’t allow myself to talk to God about it, let Him heal me….) I know God has renewed and forgiven me, as He always does. I feel like a horrible, two-faced Christian though and the guilt is like a big pink elephant sitting there in the room when I help or counsel other friends or people from school when they have problems and need help and guidance.

When it comes to helping others (I’m going to school -and soon going to get my Masters- in Sociology and Social work because I want to be a counselor/social worker) I can give the best Godly, Christian advice but I just cannot seem to help myself with this massive hurdle that has been a part of my life for simply TOO LONG.

I know that this is an attack from the enemy – Satan. There is nothing more that Satan loves than getting God’s children down. I know this. I know it – and yet I can’t resist the temptation that presents itself in porn. I’ve used it as an escape for way too long and now I need help from someone else.

I am scared to tell my family or close friends because this is something I consider disgusting, appalling, and totally not-ME! I am the rock of my family, I am the one anyone on campus can come to for help, especially spiritually. I know that I am a beautiful creation – a strong woman of God – this addiction is NOT me- it’s NOT WHO I AM – and I am ready to dissolve it from my life completely – forever!

I also want to be able to present myself pure to my husband one day. There is a young man I am very much “in love” with, I guess you could say. We are not together but I really feel a strong connection to him (especially in our faith) and I feel like we would be very, very compatible if we ever did date or become serious someday. But I look at him, such a driven man of God and look at myself and hate what I am – what I have become. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve any Godly man because I have defiled myself. Women are supposed to be clean and pure… at least that’s what I want to be.

I know God can wipe all of this pain and guilt away from me. I know He forgives me and loves me. I’m just not ready to give up the guilt. I want to be free.

It’s like chains holding me face-down to the ground. I don’t want the chains anymore. They’ve been an all-too-familiar, constant companion for too long.

Any words of advice from anyone (especially the Christian ladies out there struggling with the same thing!) would be WONDERFUL.

Sometimes the most comforting words in the English language are “Me, too…”

In His Loving Grasp,
L

Thank you L for sharing your story here. I was moved by your words of honesty and self-insight, and I know that the readers of this blog will feel just the same.

For the internet generation, there may now be a textbook, typical introduction to porn. And you may have precisely described it here. So many of us can relate to that intense, out-of-nowhere fascination that so commonly hits us in our early teens. Those jaw-droppingly graphic images, the irresistable education, the illicit buzz… porn seems to take us to another world.

So as we move forward in life, accumulating responsibilities, expectations and anxieties… porn remains our trusty source of escapism. In the background of our daily lives for so long, our porn relief is habitual. But all the time, its conflict with who we want to be becomes intolerable. Our resentment of the habit bubbles into resentment of ourselves. This is the conflict that you so affectingly describe.

One extremely common contributor to unwanted habits is perfectionism, and it’s probable that this plays a part in your struggle with porn. Perfectionism causes us to hold a powerful concept of sublime, pure performance that we deeply desire to meet in all of our daily behaviours. Sometimes, positively contributing to the lives of others leads us to place even more expectation upon ourselves.

This becomes an unattainable burden that’s simply impossible to realise. Inevitably, our perceived failure leads to feelings of unworthiness, guilt and shame. We feel hypocritical and harshly down on ourselves.

Our porn habit keeps us from meeting our perfect ideal, but it medicates our feelings of failure too. For this very reason, our habit is our maddening, seemingly inescapable trap.

So learning to build more compassion and tolerance of ourselves is a key part of addiction recovery. Therapists often refer to the concept of unconditional love for ourselves and others. We can learn to be more accepting of ourselves, and the sensitive problems that we find ourselves confronted with. We realise that we are not alone, and recovery is completely possible no matter how long we have struggled.

Over time, the motivation and perspective of unconditional love for ourselves helps us to release old habits and move on. You mentioned the feeling that you are ‘just not ready to give up the guilt’. In many ways, this encapsulates the experience of captive addiction.

This perspective on the problem may also help you to discuss things, in your own way and with someone that you feel comfortable opening up to. It’s another recommended part of releasing the old habit.

I do hope this post is helpful, and wish you every success.

Related posts:

1. Porn addiction and the mindset of shame – TR’s story