Porn addiction and the mindset of shame - TR's story

TR has submitted this honest account of his own problem relationship with porn:

I started to look at porn when i was 11 years old, getting ahold of mags and video tapes from friends. It wasnt a big problem then except for the fast that it distorted my veiws of how women are suppost to be and how men are suppost to treat them. It wasnt realy until i was 15 and got my own computer in my room 9 years ago. I learned about how to rebuild computers and hack to get onto the internet. The internet on a 15 year olds computer alone in his room is a bad thing just waiting to happen. The "world" of porn became open to me in every way shape and form and i took ahold of it with arms wipe open.

I found that stories at that time were my biggest thing, cause i could fantasise that i was the main character in this story. Then i started to get programs that would hack passwords for me to get into restricted sites. I would spend several hours a night doing this everynight to where my grades dropped so much i dropped out of high school.

But the worst part of all started to happen. When i was 16 i was surfing the net so much for the best porn i could find, and then all the back door porn sites started to pop up. Ever since then i have been at a constant war with my self all the time, not only am i addicted to porn but i am also addicted to my computer.

{This story makes me feel very very much like a despicable human being but i have to finally share this or i cant move on with myself} I am now 24 years old and i find myself looking at these sites. It kills me every single time i do. I always feel like i am going into some type of drunken state.

I start off looking at "regular" porn and end up here. I have been to a number of psychiatrist and psychologist to help me but to no avail. The only best addvise i have gotten from them is to keep a journal, with does help me now and then.

I have been working on this for "years". The thing that keeps holding me back though for the most part is that everytime i think i am doing right and that i have this "addiction" licked is when i relapse. Cause its not just me that it hurts anymore, i am married with two children, my wifes knows of my problem and so does my intermediate family.

My wife has left me 4 times already and i think this last time though might have been the last, not because she doesnt love me or doesnt want to help me but because she cant deal with the pain anymore.

I havent read all the other blogs on here yet and i dont know if anyone else has posted that they're addiction to porn has taken them to this type of porn yet, so i felt like i should share my addiction to let others know they are not alone.

I am purchasing Jason's book right now as we speak so no i have not read it yet, but do look forward to. Even if my marraige really has fallen to were i cant pick it back up i still have to do this for me and my children, for the sake of a future with out guilt and suicidel thoughts, without self loathing and destructiveness. I plan on sharing my experiences here as i progress.

I have been through a AA and NA class before for my other addictions "even though an addiction is an addiction no matter what it is to" so i do know that there is power in a group, and that is what i need right now in my life, help of others around me.

Thank you very much for reading my short shameful story.

Thank you to TR for sharing your situation and fears with such openness. You may have read some of the other blog posts on here, so I'll try to summarise my response without repeating the same suggestions and support over again.

You very accurately describe the feelings of self-destructiveness and shame that all addicts will certainly be able to empathise with. Intense shame, guilt, despair... all perfectly natural reactions to the seemingly endless routines of porn addiction. It's often easier said than done, I know, but these states of mind really have to be addressed before lasting recovery can become a reality.

No matter how pervasive and powerful your addiction appears, it's essential to remember that you are not the habit. This problem is causing a lot of pain to you and the loved ones around you, but it remains a cycle of compulsive routines and urges that you fell into at a young age. No matter how long you have struggled with the obsession, you still have the very real ability to overcome it. Shame and guilt have their place; they have served their purpose in driving you to seek therapy and confont the problem. It's now essential to break out of the self-loathing cycle and look outward, towards embracing change and getting to know yourself again. It's not the purpose of therapy to judge or condemn your behaviour, and neither should you now. This can prove to be a very useful shift in outlook.

Putting the problem into context in this way doesn't fix it, of course, but it's a great place to start. It certainly sounds as if you have had periods of successfully creating space between yourself and the habit, even if they did end in relapse. It's hugely disappointing when you realise that the problem isn't licked after all, but I would encourage you to consider what you have learned from these relapse episodes. What was the trigger that sent you back to the old ways? Did it seem to come out of the blue, or did you practically see it coming? What therapy were you in at the time and was it useful at all when relapse occurred? A big part of recovery is taking whatever insight you can from relapse experiences.

We all beat ourselves up over relapse, of course. Addiction recovery guides and therapists generally create a 'holy grail' ideal of recovery, where things finally click into place and you can righteously abstain from porn from that day onwards. It's an ideal to aim towards, but the reality of recovery is usually quite different. Truly successful, lasting recovery is a step-by-step journey, and there are often many small steps and setbacks required.

The problem with working to the 'holy grail' ideal is that when we do relapse, we feel even more of a dismal failure. We pay little regard to the ongoing, long-term objective of learning and adapting. In the worst case scenario, we just feel ever more permanently locked into habit and hopelessness, and that's a very bleak place to be. So from my experience, real recovery means accepting relapse, working with it, learning something and making some adjustment to your recovery plan, no matter how minor. By realising that you are still on the journey, you'll keep moving forward. I wish you every ongoing success.