Paying with my sanity, relationships, and ability to function as a human being - KP's story

KP kindly shares the story of his relationship with pornography, from early origins to 35 years of dependency:

Addiction to porn and compulsive masturbation has caused me tremendous loss of intimacy with spouses, family, and potential lovers. It has affected my professional life, and my ability to functionally manage my life and finances.

I first was exposed to porn in when I was about 13 or 14, well before online porn and the internet were even thought of. Other kids had these sex novels that I read for excitement. I didn't really know about masturbating because nobody talked about it and sex was pretty much considered hush hush. Eventually masturbating was discovered! I found that either reading about sex (usually illicit) or looking at pictures of sexy women or actual porn excited me enough to ejaculate.

I've been hooked for 35 years. I used masturbation as an addict uses drugs, to feel good and to avoid reality. I was shy and had no self confidence. I was very self conscious and thought I was very ugly and unattractive. Sure that sex was both wrong and beyond my reach, I was content to masturbate. I needed little more than the picture of a hot babe in a cigarette or auto parts ad to provide the stimulus.

My family life and geographic location really held back my social development. There were few kids my age around and some weird statistical aberration left the community I was raised in and the school I went to with a 2 to 1 ration of males to females. Even worse only a few of the girls were even considered cute. I had NO experience with girls, and few close friends. My adolescence was devoid of dating, or even a female friend. This continued through college. I figured I would have better luck staying in masturbating than trying to get a date and try to develop a relationship or get laid. This all happened in the 70's and early 80's when everybody was out having sex. Except me.

Today free porn is everywhere. Celebrities are always baring some body part and the paparazzi are great at putting it out there. At least I never have to pay for any porn. At least not with money. I am paying with my sanity, my relationships, and my ability to function as a human being.

Today, I don't know which compulsion is stronger, the one to masturbate or the one to find porn or some visual stimulation. All I know is I've been married twice and both women left me due to lack of intimacy. The orgasm is easy to attain and physically more pleasurable when achieved by masturbation.

I use masturbation and porn to relieve stress. It is very habitual and dominates my thinking. I feel like I'm falling deeper into the need for porn or visual stimulation. I dream about looking at porn.

This step to sharing is very important to me and I hope to look into your program further. I have to stop. I have to get my life in order. I want to have a loving sexual relationship with a real woman and enjoy it.

I know this was a long story, but I have to tell it and start taking charge of my life.

Firstly, thank you KP for your honesty and sharing. This is an important step, and you've reflected on your habit with frankness and insight. The definite potential for making profound changes in your life is obvious.

Our earliest encounters with porn can be hugely influential. A world of thrills seems to open up, and of course we're going to go exploring. In families where sex is treated as hush hush, and that'll be most of them, porn easily becomes a hormone-stirring source of enlightenment.

You've described another reason why kids and teens explore porn: belonging to a group. Sharing erotic contraband amongst our peers provides credibility and self-acceptance - "I'm one of the boys". At a young and impressionable age, this shared enthusiasm is infectious and multiplies the appeal.

So a novelty relationship with pornography flowers. After a while, most young people outgrow the fascination and novelty of porn and move on. But some of us get stuck somehow. Porn continues to serve an ongoing need, and dependence gradually builds over time.

Many readers will relate to those years of insecurity, shyness and loneliness. Masturbation to porn does provide some easy relief. And at least it feels like we're connecting with someone, even when it's only a woman in a photo or magazine. We don't need to summon up any confidence or self-belief to use porn; it's just there for us.

Over the longer term, it becomes our overwhelming source of escape from all the stresses and insecurities that life throws at us... but always holds back our essential development. Suffering relationships provide the most common indicator of this; ultimately, a compulsive porn habit and a fulfilling relationship with a partner can never co-exist.

It really is never too late to change all this. I regularly encounter guys who are successfully taking control, after years of entrenched habit and preoccupation. At this stage, it's useful to research all you can on the various approaches to recovery; there are plenty of recommendations throughout this blog and the other online resources that I recommend.

The critical factor, of course, is real motivation for change. I hope that you can continue to build and share your self-awareness, and wish you every success.