No such thing as a quick look at porn - G's story

I can't believe I'm writing this, but here goes. I'm not so much of an addict, but I do find myself wanting to look at porn even though I am morally against it. I'm Buddhist and one of the vows I have taken is to refrain from sexual misconduct and I suppose watching porn is breaking this commitment.

I am 16 and gay- and have never had a sexual or even intimate relationship with a guy and that's probably why I feel the need to watch it. It gets even more complicated because I want to become ordained as a monk and thus take a vow of celibacy - not because I haven't come to terms with who I am or anything - I have chosen to go down this path for spiritual reasons. But before I make this commitment I need to abandon watching porn - so my mind can become completely pure. With the blessings and inspiration of my root guru and the buddhas I have been able to abandon watching porn for extensive periods of time, but then I feel the urge one day and then it's a slippery slope for the next few weeks.

I am making the decision today to completely quit watching porn for the next week. At the end of that week I will notice the benefits and make the commitment to myself to go another week and keep practising in this way until my desirous attachment has diminished.

One method that helps me is seeing the people in the video image etc as exactly that - people. With parents, grandparents, friends etc - people who care about them and their motivation for doing this (more often than not - m0ney or they too are addicted to sex). Develop compassion instead of lust and see them as human beings.

Try watching some porn when your not feeling horny and take a look in their eyes rather than at their bodies and look for that sadness and remember that every time you have the urge to watch some. Remember that horrible feeling you get afterwards every time you're tempted. And don't kid your self saying that you'll just have a quick look and not masturbate - it doesn't work!

Needed to get that off my chest - thanks for listening. :)

This is an interesting dilemma - thank you G for sharing.

Psychologists often talk about the fundamental needs that nature has programmed into us. Just like food, water, sleep and warmth, our emotional needs are also essential for our well-being. When deep emotional needs are unsatisfied, the door can be left open for unwanted habits or obsessions to creep in. It feels as if the mental distress of our unmet needs (anxiety, anger or depression) is being numbed by the habit, even if the fallout is painful and unwanted.

High up on the list of essential needs is emotional connection to others: friendship, love, intimacy and fun. We are instinctively attracted to others, and seek to forge loving, sensual and erotic connections. From my understanding, a vow of celibacy deliberately represses this need in order to attain a higher spiritual purpose.

If a persistent porn habit isn't frustrating enough, it appears that the conflict with spiritual faith incurs further confusion and guilt. Christian, Muslim and Buddhist communities have witnessed deep despair over porn addiction.

On the other hand, I appreciate that religious communities can offer support in overcoming unwanted habits. So in following your spiritual ambitions, it seems to me essential that you receive sufficient guidance and support from your overseer. Ideally, you will be equipped to understand and somehow fulfil your emotional needs whilst still following this path. I'm no authority on spiritual living, but without this grounding I can only envisage ongoing inner conflict and tensions.

Subject to the above, your approach to quitting for one week at a time makes a lot of sense. You are setting a realistic goal, one week at a time, and the urges do indeed diminish over time.

I completely agree about the real people on the screen too; as you say, their numb sadness is often painfully apparent. In counselling, many people mention to me that once they have masturbated, they can't switch off the porn fast enough. Once the arousal-charged 'porn goggles' are removed, the realities flood in - and it's not pretty.

Thank you again for sharing, and I wish you every success.