Nine years with a porn addicted husband - K's story

K submitted this personal story of long-term living with a porn addicted husband:

Where do I begin? 9 years ago I first discovered that my husband was looking at porn and checking out personals on the Internet.

Since our first child was only 5 months old, I was outraged, hurt and shocked. I never in a million years imagined my husband doing this. He blamed it on the popularity of Internet porn and how easy it was and that “all men do it”. He told me he wouldn’t do it again, and when I caught him again, we started going to marriage counseling. 2 months later I caught him on the computer again, but this time with 3some porn magazines, and letters he had written to other women—about being in a bad relationship with his girlfriend and talking about sex. After threatening to leave him, he promised that he would get help. Again, we went to marriage counseling and he started seeing a “sex addiction” professional. But things never really got better.

One night while I was away at a conference, he didn’t get home till 3 am. He made up some stupid lie and defended it until his therapist finally convinced him to tell me the truth months later—he went and met another woman. He said they never had sex, but I have my doubts. At one point I did think he stopped and all of this counseling worked. But I caught him writing some girl again and we separated for a few months. He again begged me to come home, with promises that he wouldn’t do it again and that he had a problem. It seemed we were doing well for a while, but then it happened again. I caught him chatting online and with pictures of the girls. Again we separated. He found a new “sex addiction” counselor and we again went to marriage counseling. I did NOT want to get back together, but now we had 2 children together.

After months of counseling and the pain of our children wanting us back together, I moved back in. After all of this, I had a lot of anger and really couldn’t forgive or trust him. He seemed to really try to get his addiction under control, so I thought I would try by going to a forgiveness class. I told him that if I ever caught him again, it would mean divorce. I watched him walk out of this house twice a week for SAA meetings. He told me he didn’t need his therapist anymore because he was strong. It’s been almost 3 years since we last broke up and I just found out that the longest he stopped was about 8 months out of the 3 years.

He was going to Kinko’s to chat, the library, then finally on his own laptop which I agreed he could have for his work. He was lying, skipping meetings, chatting again, going to singles/dating sites, and even gave someone his phone number. I found that number on his cell phone bill and called the number to confirm it was one on the women he was chatting with. We’ve been to marriage counselors, sex-addiction specialist, SAA meetings, and still he begs me it’s an addiction and that he loves me. But he had the tools, knew the consequence and still did it again! Lying so well to my face, over and over again, the thought of him being intimate physically with another woman, and the hurt it is causing to my kids is unbearable.

To the outside we are a perfect family, and so did I until a few weeks ago. I don’t think I can ever trust him again, and after asking him so many times if he was “ok”, he never gave me a chance to tell me the truth, that he was weak and needed my help to keep us strong. So you say it’s not about the sex, but self esteem and stress. But it’s still cheating and lying and the only way I see an end to this madness is if I leave him. Tell me, where do you go from here?

I'd like to thank K for sharing such a poignant account. After nine years of suffering this situation, and countless attempts to rectify things, it must feel almost impossible to envisage any way forward for your relationship. I would simply like to underline a few truths that you will no doubt have heard before, and hopefully suggest an alternative outlook towards this problem.

Many porn or sex addicts justify their behaviour to themselves by blaming the abundance of internet porn and saying that "all men do it". Indeed, there is a load of porn out there and many millions of men consume it, but for the addict, this becomes a deep, deluded rationale that blinds them to the realities of their behaviour. They feel somehow entitled to the private escapism of porn, even when the habit leads to real-world sexual infidelity and risks. Unfortunately, addicts certainly can navigate through recovery programmes, 12-step meetings and counselling sessions without ever overriding this deep-seated delusion. Genuine recovery depends on their essential motivation to change, along with honest recognition of the reasons why they rely so much upon porn stimulation.

Addicts play destructive games with themselves and their partners, and it would sound like your husband has never really broken out of the cyclic behaviour of his porn addiction game. Without genuine motivation to change, the experience of therapy, groups and counselling can sadly support his game further. If his main motivation for accepting treatment is to pacify his partner, for example, the addict will often play a 'just see if you can stop me' game, or 'therapy can't save me'. The 'I've been to therapy and still do porn' outlook only strengthens his sexual obsessions.

There is a lot that can be said about addiction games, and I really can't fully cover the subject here. Suffice to say that your husband may also be playing the victim games of 'porn is too available', 'I have an addictive personality' or 'my wife doesn't like it'. Even if he fully recognises the pain that his behaviour causes you, and the potential losses that he could suffer, playing any of these games makes him reliant on the expectation of others to make him change. Of course, this is never going to happen.

Casting aside all of the lies, excuses and games, an addict needs to realise that the potential to change is fully within them. Understanding partners, support groups and counsellors are all resources available to the addict, but they all require his absolute motivation. Recovery really does require some painful self-discovery, and facing up to the contributing factors that I talk about so frequently: low self-esteem, intimacy issues, deep-rooted boredom, childhood fears, stress. Through all the therapies that have been attempted, your husband may well have unearthed some of these factors already, but he been unable/unwilling to substitute the escapism of porn for more positive ways of managing these issues.

Sadly, some addicts require a rock-bottom wake-up call before they can really generate the motivation to change. To say that addicts take their partners for granted is an understatement. As you have experienced, porn addicts become numb to the lies and hurt that they inflict, and can even resort to blaming you or your relationship for their addictions. This is a horrible and deeply hurtful side-effect of addiction, but it is still part of his 'game'. You are not the cause of his sex addiction. As his partner, you have clearly been exceptionally tolerant and supportive. In the ongoing state of addicted delusion, your husband may no longer perceive the threat of losing you as real. It cannot be denied that finally leaving him for good could be the only wake-up call that can work. That's a bleak conclusion, but a painful reality for some partners.

So where do you go from here? You are, of course, fully entitled to your own recovery from this painful mess, along with your children. For any hope of salvaging your relationship, your husband's addiction needs a new approach; a step-by-step recovery plan that begins with him taking full responsibility for himself. The counselling and 12-step methods have been unsuccessful so far, possibly for the reasons mentioned above, but that is not to say that they can't be of benefit in the future. First, though, your husband needs the essential motivation and determination that has so far eluded him. He may never have really believed that he has the capability to take control of himself - now is the time for that realisation, and my recovery guide may certainly help him with this.

It's time to set a deadline, and begin to measure the situation by his actions and not his words. Assure him that he will have your support through this period, but the deadline is for real. He needs to be fully conscious that if his game continues, he will lose you from his life.

I wish you every success.