My year free from porn, and looking ahead - FL's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 30/08/2010 - 21:31

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Last night marked my one-year porn abstinence date. My porn addiction was bad, really bad, so this was quite an incredible milestone for me. This site has been quite helpful for me since I discovered it almost a year ago, so I just wanted to take a few minutes to say thanks.

Here is part of last night's entry of my recovery journal, in case you're interested:

Check out that date, folks. That's right, it is July 5, 2010, my one-year sobriety date. This is an auspicious occasion. One that, at one time, I doubted would ever come. One year exactly since the last time a pornographic image crossed my retina. I just read my 2009-07-06 entry here, the one that I wrote the morning after my last relapse. I wasn't really down on myself, but I was rightfully concerned that I may just not be able to defend myself against the wiles of my addiction. I don't even think I was calling it my monster then, but in as many words, I was worried that my monster was too strong and too crafty for me to beat.

However, reading that entry made me realize that even though my monster was strong and difficult, I had all of the basic pieces of my recovery lined up. I knew that I was an addict. I perceived of my addiction as a disease. I had already started the process of writing a journal about my recovery, even though I had been miserably unsuccessful in my recovery up until that time. And I was well on my way to analyzing the root causes for my addiction. I was familiar with triggers, and I was starting to resist mine.

I was talking to [my higher power (not god)] about my recovery, and starting to turn things over to
him as I could find the mindfulness to do so. I think that by that point, I realized the depth of my hatred for porn. I realized that part of me loved it, but a greater part of me hated it with a horror and passion that surpassed all.

In the days, weeks, and months to follow, I would discover several other things that would help me in my recovery. I discovered, through the quitpornaddiction.com site, that every time you resist the urge to watch, you strengthen the neural pathways that will make it easier to resist the next time, so resisting becomes easier and easier. It was there that I discovered the mental tool of "urge surfing", or riding the wave of urge until it breaks harmlessly against the shore.

I got to know my monster, and I got to the point where I could see him standing there next to me, green skin and greasy stringy hair, wild eyes urging me on to watch. I learned to recognize that in spite of his primitive appearance, he is actually quite clever and tricky, and after a while, I learned to recognize his voice. I learned to speak more regularly to [my higher power] about my disease, and I got to the point where I could effectively give my problem over to him. I learned, and felt inside me, that as time went on, my monster was getting weaker. I saw that I was starving him, he was whithering. And through it all, I found the mindfulness to remind myself that even though he may be whithered, he is still there, waiting for an opportunity.

As I sit here now, thinking about my recovery, I guess I feel a bit worried. One year is such a huge milestone, and now that I've reached it, I feel a combination of things. What should I strive for next? I've reached the 1 year mark, the milestone that I've been striving for all this time, the milestone that I wasn't quite sure if I could meet. So what's next? And at the same time, I feel the pressure of time stretching on for me; another year seems like a long time and a lot of work, and then there will be another year after that, and another, and another. I guess it feels like it did after that 3 month stretch in 2008, when I felt a sense of relief at reaching the milestone, and simultaneously a feeling of white knuckles at the thought of going for another month.

I know exactly what I'm doing here - I'm failing to take one day at a time. Yes, I've spent a lot of energy and attention over the last year, and I know that the next year will take more energy. It's overwhelming when seen in that view. But if I look at the energy and attention needed to get through the next 24 hours, especially when seen in the terms of urge surfing, it's very manageable. I've proved that it's manageable, and with [my higher power]'s help, I will manage it again for the next day. I never have to take on the weight of a year's worth of sobriety, just one day.

Hi FL,

This is a brilliant, positive achievement. I just love to hear success stories like yours, and thank you for sharing it. And big apologies for the delay in featuring it here - I'm experiencing a backlog of stories and questions to publish.

The fact that you are looking firmly ahead is positive too. Having successfully deployed the urge surfing and awareness techniques, and learned so much about your own habit template, I wonder where your goals might take you from here.

When we reach these stages of recovery, I think it's natural to experience worry about relapsing back into old ways. It feels as if there's so much at stake. A good way to avoid heaping pressure upon ourselves is to weigh up what we do want in our lives. How can we best utilise the self-understanding, the self-forgiveness, and all the hours in the day that we've reclaimed.

It's as if we reach a point where the monster is tamed, and is ready to be swapped out. Unfortunately, some people find themselves resorting to another dodgy habit or coping mechanism, so having clear and positive goals is key to preventing this. We might be talking career plans, a relationship, a creative passion, helping others, travel - anything that entails personal growth.

Remaining aware and mindful of old urges is an excellent policy, of course. Be sure to combine that with clear goals, and you'll keep moving forward. I wish you every ongoing success.

Super Sutff FL,

Very well done and indeed a cmmendable effort. Having been through we all can tell just how difficult it indeed is to abstain away frm this.

You have set a great example for all of us, we all hope to take inspiration from you, I certainly hope to, so a year from now I too can contribute a similar story here. Hope to hear further on how oyou go along, but once again ...Great Job...Keep It Up!!!...

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Yes good on you... that's something to celebrate. I know what you say about feeling the pressure now.

I notice that after a time without thinking much about porn, it suddenly occurs to me how well I'm doing. "Oh it's been 3 weeks" or 2 months or whatever. It's a nice pleasing feeling.

Often the same day, a little bit later, I'll then find myself thinking about unlocking my filter and looking at some porn. As a treat or because a part of me feels like I can handle it now.

This has happened too much for it to be a coincidence, I reckon. It shows me how my mind is unconsciously working in the background. It saddens me a bit that I still have these temptations, yet at least I notice them now. As Jason says, I work on replacing them and it helps.

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YES! this is a really nice inspiring story for a change and it proves that one can eventually resist the porn monster (porn habit) but the odds a VERY VERY TOUGH though in my opinion. Lets be completely honest about the scale of the problem here.

The problem as I see it is that online porn has now reached saturation level & this means the numbers of potential triggers is enormous. This itself represents a huge challenge & an enormous difficulty for anyone of us who realizes that porn is a problem for them.

Even if one wants to give up using viewing & consuming porn its a tough job, porn content filters like OpenDNS for example are a big help by putting boundaries between you & porn. But even so slipping is almost inevitable as part of the struggle to get free from porn. We slip & hopefully we slowly learn from each occasion we fall back. Each slip is a chance to learn something?

Why? I have concluded that the core problem is that what drives us to fail or slip back is actually buried deep down in our unconscious self (the issues which drive us, is hidden from view, hidden even from ourselves). Mostly we don't really know why we slip back or fail & end up playing back the old broken record (ritual behavior) its usually completely irrational in nature. Slip backs are experienced on a feeling level not on a mental level i.e. lust mixed with anxieties or distress or excitement (adrenaline rush).

The only way to get free from a porn habit is by using a slowly slowly catchee monkey kind of approach & too slowly slowly reduce one's exposure to porn (having content filtering helps) almost weening one's self off the need for porn, trying to greatly reduce one's exposure to explicit material also helps, abstinence from thinking about porn i.e. shifting one's thinking away from concerns about porn. Finding non screen activities such as mixing with other people face to face helps. i.e. not isolating yourself alone with a PC & just the web. Trying to fill the space left by not using porn with other more positive activities as Jason also recommends, all these things help.

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The BIGGEST sustained challenge confronting anyone sincerely trying to give up their porn habit is the sheer number of potential triggers all around us each day.

Therefore NOT BEING TRIGGERED is a massive problem!! Trying to avoid ANY sexual material in ANY form from swimwear adverts (soft-core & even the softest of the soft-core too) through to bra adverts, the odd bare breast or bare bum shot,etc. Right through to the most obvious gratuitous stuff.

Even if you want to sincerely avoid anything remotely arousing is hard & that is excluding what I have already said about denial & the unconscious nature of our deeper issues which in part fuel our habits. Denial lye's at the heart of any porn habit in my opinion.

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PORNOGRAPHERS & FISHING!!
Pornographers & the porn industry an be thought of as like fishermen (fisher-women) they put out their bate (porn) to see if they can hook anyone. Their aim is specifically to create porn dependent users, once you have hooked someone then its much much easier to make more money from them (exploit them as far as they can).

Once you have a porn habit its more likely that the vulnerable, the gullible, the naive, the lonely & the sad & the socially isolated will fall for your tricks & spend more money on DVD films, web site subscriptions, VOD films, & other services. The porn industry (adult entertainment industry) is solely interested in one thing & its NOT sex actually but its money & big profits.

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The porn industry knows & quite deliberately exploits a natural human biological phenomena i.e. sexual arousal (turn on) it knows as day follows night that it can make vast profits from taking advantage of our biological evolutionary vulnerabilities. It can hook us through the exploitation of this aspect of our humanity (if we allow this).

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Hi everyone! In three days, it will be 14 months. Still no slips, and it continues to feel easier and easier to abstain.

Thanks Jason, for your advice on having positive goals going forward. I have indeed been pouring myself into a creative and productive hobby in my spare time. Whenever I feel like I may be devoting too much time and energy to it, I think of the many days that I spent watching porn for 12 hours, and I feel OK about my efforts. There are times when I look at the product of my creative hobby, and realize that none of it would exist if I were still in my disease, or if I replaced my disease with passive non-creative entertainment of some sort.

Just one more thing: if anybody out there has been thinking of buying the Porn Game Over book, and waffling because of the expense, I highly recommend going for it. It was highly beneficial for me, and I believe that it can benefit anybody who wishes to stop abusing porn. Unless your time is worth nothing, a guide like this that can increase your chances of breaking your time-consuming habit is worth many times its price. And this is coming from a guy who almost never buys things from the Internet.

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In the whole scheme of life the Universe & everything else porn is NOT very important & neither is Sex for that matter. We just allow ourselves to believe & think these things are way more important than they really are. Part of the reason for this is due to capitalism, which exploits our humanity & human nature & turns things which were never intended into commodities (com-modification) products & services.

**To make sex into a commodity is utterly absurd & totally ridiculous. Its impossible to make sex a commodity, sex is not something that can be bought & sold. Real sex is something freely given & is unconditional it has no financial price tag. Unlike prostitution which has very little or nothing to do with real sex, prostitution is only the illusion of sex. It has nothing to do with love, or intimacy & so forth. It has more to do with lust & selfishness & callousness than anything else.

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Internet pornography has become almost the digital plague of our times!! Its reached epidemic proportions and has infected millions of users. If you think you are struggling with your relationship with porn then spare a thought of the other few million too? This website is a unique place where the truth about porn is told as it is, no bullshit here. The stories speak for themselves, we are the road kill of the porn industry. Whats left in the wake of porn's profit making madness & exploitation.

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