My reality is a loop of self-hatred, watching my decision process fail again and again - FR's story
Well, I'm 23, male ("of course"), and I've been addicted to internet porn since I was 12. I can credit the addiction for completely ruining my conception of myself as a sexual being, my inability to associate sex with concepts like romance or love, my constant depression and even suicidal thoughts these days, and my ever-decreasing faith in my ability to make good decisions for the rest of my life.
These people are truly evil. Like tobacco companies, they reel you in when you are young under the allure of experiencing some kind of independent adulthood, and leave you to die when you do eventually become an adult under the assertations (one's own and those of others) that you should be able to control your own decision process. One of the few things that gives me strength is the knowledge that I would never want to hurt another human being in the way that pornographers have hurt me.
Despite the absolute hatred that I feel for myself when I look up porn, I can't stop. It feels like it has usurped my sexual drive completely, like my natural urge has become permanently entwined with a computer screen in the same way that an animal adapts to human interferement with its environment.
Suicidal thoughts, "self-medicating" with illicit drugs, even the basic ability to take care of my life is diminishing. I'm sure I won't live to 30. Some days I'm not even sure I'll live to tomorrow. I know exactly the response to expect upon telling anyone this - you have a decision process and you can change - but that is not how reality seems to be. Reality is a loop of self-hatred and watching my decision process fail again and again, requiring willpower beyond what I have to change, and courage beyond what I have to reach out for help.
If there's a God, then it is seriously twisted in the experience it has created for assumedly many human beings in internet pornography addiction. Or maybe Darwinism is at play here, maybe humans with a weaker decision capacity such as me will be weeded out over the next 50-100 years, and that's the plan. Whatever, I want to die.
Thanks for letting me express my thoughts somewhere, I feel slightly better for letting it out.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Our ability to choose our
Our ability to choose our behavior is constrained by two factors: our genes, and our environment. Your environment has been steeped in porn for half of your life, including all of your sexual adulthood, so you may have a lot of work ahead of you before you have the power to freely follow through on your choice to not view porn. But the good news is that part of your environment is what you choose to surround yourself with, including websites like this one. It may feel like steering a battleship for awhile, but if you don't give up, you will enjoy success, you will be able to choose your behavior. In the mean time, try not to hate yourself, that doesn't help anything.
I don't know you. But your
I don't know you. But your story moves me. I have overcome my addiction with porn and am fine. You can too. Don't give up.
God loves you, regardless of your past. I have come to realize this.
Don't shrug these words off. They can change your life if you allow them to.
I'll be praying for you.
A friend.
I agree that your environment
I agree that your environment can have a big impact on your life in both positive and negative ways. It is a great step to take to come on this site and share your story. That ultimately can start helping you through this. No body is perfect, and that's okay, so just remember that it takes time. Just be patient with yourself : ). I believe that people have far more ability to take control more than they give themselves credit for. I know you can overcome this obstacle!
FR, You're still only 23,
FR,
You're still only 23, don't take it so seriously, we all feel like that especially when Porn becomes the End rather than the Means, which is what is true in your case and that of many others like us.
You've just taken the first step of letting it all out here ( so pat yourself on your back for that), you've realized where this is leading to. As far as your thoughts are concerned, maybe it's something else that's bothering you. Sit down and figure out what it is that is bothering you.
At your age you really shouldn't be carrying such a pessimistic outlook of your life, I think this is more a reaction, a direct result of your frustration from the addiction to porn. It may be a good idea to speak to some one about the problem when it's intense, before it gets further and frustrated you all the more.
Like I said, you're still young, just relax, get counselled and start indulging in other activities and yo'll be just fine.
Good Luck!!!
D
The problem of internet porn
The problem of internet porn usage i.e. exposure to explicit sexual content is a real problem and not at all a trivial one as many people initially seem to think. Porn is a little bit like quick sand the first few steps you sink a little and after a few more the sand starts to suck at you, eventually you get bogged down and the way out is very very difficult.
The problem of Porn has two aspects: firstly the porn industry which largely creates the sexual imagery content with the central motive to create dependent users so they can ultimately sell goods & services i.e. make money & profits, meaning porn is BIG business. This is why 90% or more of all porn exists in the first place.
Secondly, there is the why question, why? do we as individuals use porn. Reducing it down to it most basic reason porn is used as a coping mechanism when confronted by stressful events in our lives. Porn is often used as a kind of comfort blanket, we have easy private access to this comfort blanket, it becomes an emotional crutch when we simply find ourselves faced with extremely difficult feelings like fear or anxiety, boredom, loneliness,etc.
The more you start
The more you start attributing blame to others, the more unlikely you are to empower yourself. I'm sure you know this, but I think all the addicts reach a state where they try to figure out what in the past made them addicts and get angry at this reason and that reason.
Instead, you have to understand your fight is not with avoiding urges (you will have them), it is to have the strength of will to do something each time the urge happens. Right after your urge and right before you click on a site, make it a habit to create an alternative that makes you feel good (i.e. go outside for a walk, take a shower, go to the gym/run). Especially, in the beginning, all you have to do is have enough willpower to get off your chair and leave your computer (easier said that done but that's how you need to think about it). And grow stronger from any relapses. Good luck!
FR, Once I had an article
FR,
Once I had an article that said "life is a very beautiful experience, Its so vivid that there is always scope for wonder and new". You are a very young man that will have a bright future ahead. It just depend on you. So, don't give up! You're facing a very difficult momment now but "try to eliminate negativity and trust on positive, as you get more and more positive, your trust level and courage will increase, courage bring new opportunities to life, new wonders to life, and if you make courage as a habit, life will become golden". Take time to read this article: http://quitporn.net/blog/2010/08/golden-future/ I'm sure it will make a big difference as in my life.
Dude you’re right. I started
Dude you’re right. I started with pornography at 13, and it has actually become a tourturous disfigurment of my thinking process. This isn’t biting you’re fingernails it’s serious business. I’m only 19 years old, but I’ve gotten all those crazy thoughts that you have had recently. From suicide to being “weeded out” I get that stuff too.
I was exposed too early and that’s why I believe that I can never have a healthy sexual relationship. But here is what I have come to think. It takes 30 days to make a habit, so I’m going to try to break one in 30. I’ve tried before (never succeeded) and I’ve failed at least a dozen times. I’m on day 6 again and already failing, but I will keep doing this until I succeed. I don’t know that I ever will, but I have a vision of success that grows more and more vivid. It grows more and more VITAL each time I fail.
Because people like you and me can’t just give up man. I feel like we have to live to see the day when we can help someone else. Or at least stop some kid from becoming a victim. Pornography shat all over my development and if you’re like me without a girlfriend, drinking and doing drugs all day, and watching your life crumble from behind the glass then hold on tight to your vision of success and walk forward. Do it because you know it’s worth it.
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