My exhibitionism and cybersex addiction - C's story

Submitted by a reader on Sat, 04/09/2010 - 22:43

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I happened to be looking for a site like this to possibly help me with my addiction and am glad I have found it. Hopefully through communication here and finally telling my story this can help me in some fashion overcome or deal with my addiction.

I have realized for some time now that I have a sexual addiction problem. I'm a 45 year old male and in retrospect I believe I have been dealing with this from the time I was 14.

Since the time I was 14 I always would enjoy undressing in my bedroom with the curtains open and lights on at night. I would always hope that someone would be outside looking in at me. In time, this progressed to masturbating in my room with the curtains open and lights on.

I would also spend many days inside naked hoping someone would come to the front door. When I could see a woman coming to the door I would position myself so she would be able to see me masturbating as she approached. This did not happen often, but when it did I would get an incredible rush and then afterwards feel just awful about what just happened.

This activity of mine continued through my college years. Sometimes the window would be open and I could hear people outside saying things like "There he is again, what a sicko". Sometimes I would stop for a week or two after comments like that, as it scared me. Inevitably I would go back to it as it was a rush for me. I used to say to myself once I can fulfil the fantasy of having someone outside see me masturbate, I will be done with this. As most of you know that is not the case. It just seemed to fuel the fire and want me to do it more.

Once college finished and I started working, I continued on with this activity. I had two small brushes with the law but was able to explain the situation and get away with it. You would think at that time that I would have learnt my lesson, I did not. It finally happened that I was arrested for this activity of mine and had to go to court. What made it worse was the court office was in the same building where I worked. Somehow or another nobody at work saw me that day that I was in court. What a huge relief that was. Before my court date, following my lawyers advice, I went to see a psychiatrist. This went on for about 5 months and I told this individual my story. The main idea for this was to show the court that I was taking the measures needed to overcome this problem of mine. By the time it was all said and done I spent over $3000.00 in legal fees and to get a report from the psychiatrist. I ended up getting a conditional discharge.

When all this all happened I had to tell my girlfriend at the time of this mis-adventure of mine. For some reason she stuck with me. Life went on for me after this and I obviously stopped going in front of the window. I ended up getting married to the same girl a few years later.

All of this happened before the age of the Internet. I now had to figure how I could get my fix without being caught. As with any addiction there is always a way if you really want to. I now started taking pictures of myself in various stages of undress. This would also include pictures of me masturbating as well. I would take these pictures in to get developed and then wait and see the expression on the girl handing over the photos once finished. For a time this seemed to satisfy my urges. I now also started to call 1-800 numbers for phone-sex and began having phone-sex with men on occasion, as this also seemed to be a thrill for me.

One day my wife found various pictures I had taken of myself. You can imagine what transpired after that. It was difficult for me to explain but I did my best to lie and come up with some story. I really do not believe she bought what I was selling. About a year after this happened we divorced. I knew my wife had an affair on me and ended up marrying the man she had the affair with. I never got an exact answer as to why my wife wanted a divorce or had an affair. I would be a fool to believe that this addiction of mine did not contribute to it in some form or fashion.

I was now single again and the Internet now became a tool for me to seek out satisfaction. At first I just started using the online dating services and would meet women for casual drinks/dates. On occasion I would meet a woman and would not tell her my whole story, as what I have done here, but I would explain that I have exhibitionist tendencies. Not to be arrogant but I am considered to be a good looking man. These women with whom I would confide my story with were always willing to watch me. Once I would have some woman watch me, I would usually not see her again and then look for someone else to satisfy my urge with.

I dated this one girl for a period of about a year. This one particular girl I never told a thing to her about my past. She did find it odd that I would masturbate over having sex with her though. She did know that something was just not "normal" with me. I was able to convince her to masturbate in front of the window and do some things that I used to do. I was living my life vicariously through this individual. I think she just wanted to make me happy and would do anything I wanted. Which in retrospect is very sad. Just before this relationship ended I had a fantasy about having a 3some with another couple. Through a phone-chat line locally I hooked up with this couple and went over to their place to have fun. The woman was not there at the time, just her boyfriend. Having some form of sex with a man was also a fantasy of mine now too. We ended up watching some porn movie and masturbating together. He also performed oral sex on myself. After this ended I hated myself for months, I could not believe what I had done.

Time went on and I ended up meeting this other women. I also told her of my tendencies for being an exhibitionist. I'm not sure how it happened but this is when the webcam came into play. I would go to her place and we would spend the evening with me sitting in front of the webcam masturbating for strangers. I was getting it on two fronts, the strangers watching me plus this girl sitting beside me watching. She was an attractive enough lady and it seemed like I met my dream girl. We only went out for about 6 weeks when a girl I work with, whom I had a crush on for years, was interested in me. I thought to myself go for it, this opportunity does not come by too often. I ended up breaking up with the first girl and I know I broke her heart. She said something to me at the time that still resonates in my mind to this day. She said in a voice that was crying "I could have helped you with your problem". At the time I thought, I don't have a problem, what is she talking about. Deep down though I knew she was right and I did have a problem.

Now I'm with my dream girl, or so I thought. As with any relationship the beginning of it was incredible. Sex was often and intense. The fact that I had a crush on this individual for years was even more satisfying. For a period of about 18 months these urges of mine had gone, I thought for good too. We ended up moving in together and to this day still live together, for almost 6 years now. I made the mistake of telling this girl of my original legal problems. I do trust her to a certain level that she won't tell anyone. However when you work with someone you just never know. I wish I never told her.

It was about this time where this girl started displaying some of her own problems from her past. Nothing related to my issues, but problems nonetheless. Problems that have put a strain on our relationship to the point that it will be ending soon as well.

As mentioned sex was incredible at the beginning. About three years ago it dropped off drastically. To the point now that it occurs no more then twice a year, if I am lucky. She blames it on menopause, I know there's more to it then that though. Again, these are her issues and not mine. Also again, even though she is not aware fully of my addiction, I'm sure it is a contributing factor in some form.

So what do you do when you're not getting sex and it is part of your addiction. You go back to what is familiar to you. In all honesty, I still think I would have gone back to my exhibitionist ways even if the sex was great. In my mind I'm just trying to rationalize my actions and saying they're just.

I now have a secret webcam that I have hidden away. My girlfriend has a part time job and is away a few nights during the week and many times both days on the weekend. I hook up my webcam and go into various chat rooms and fully expose myself to men or women. There is this thrill that when I am fully exposing myself I'll be caught by someone I know. However, deep down inside if it was to actually happen I would be totally mortified as my deep dark secret would now be out.

Many times I will cam chat with another man or on rare occasion a woman while we masturbate. Again, when the chat session has ended I feel disgusted in myself and think that I've just spent 3 hours of my life that I can't get back. I have spent complete weekends doing this and many evenings. I've cancelled plans with friends, phoned in sick to work, just to satisfy my addiction. I go through the ridiculous process of removing webcam software from my computer as well as removing the software for various messenger chat rooms. I have even gone through the process of throwing out my webcam. I know now that these are not fixes to my problem. I always go back and buy another cam or reload the software. If it was that simple I would have this addiction solved.

So now I'm at this point in my life where nobody out there knows this about me and I feel just disgusted with myself. If you were to meet me you would never know this about me. I'm sure it would come as a complete shock to everyone. While we all have skeletons in our closet, mine seem to be quite a bit more repulsive then most.

Telling my complete true story here is actually a huge relief. It is something I have always wanted to do. Believe it or not, it feels like a huge burden has been removed. I guess because everyone reading this can relate in some form as we all suffer from the same addiction in various forms.

Thanks for reading my long story and I hope to get some advice moving forward with this.

There is a well known (famous) statement which says: "That which we fail to see & learn from we are destined to repeat". Meaning that when we make mistakes or have a problem the most important thing is that we learn from what has happened.

**Your story does strongly suggest that you know your own behavior is problematic, but you only seem to be partially aware of this (sub-consciously) and yet are still unable to face the source of this need for exhibitionism. In my opinion I think you would gain a great deal of benefit from having some regular personal psychotherapy because the causes of your problems lye buried in your distant past history and these causes can only be discovered through unmasking the unconscious causes.

The root causes of your problem are hidden from view, hidden from you buried in your unconscious therapy can help reach these root causes and bring them into conscious awareness. That which is unconscious cannot be changed but when the unconscious is made conscious we can change them. We can then make better decisions and stop repeating our past patterns (past habits). The power of good therapy is greatly underestimated as a means of helping people but a good therapist can have a profound effect & bring real healing & insight unlike anything else I've come across.

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Hi C,

Thanks for sharing your story here.

I agree with Alex's comments above (thanks Alex!) - a clearer understanding of your need to act in this way will help you make better decisions, and not feel controlled by urges.

You mentioned that you had several months of therapy with a psychiatrist; I wonder what the focus was and whether it produced any benefit or insight?

I often speak with people whose individual sexual fantasies or fetish leads them into repetitive timewasting rituals and guilt trips, usually involving internet porn or cybersex. Feeling at their wit's end, they desperately want to eliminate their preference for rubber, cross-dressing, exhibitionism or whatever the fantasy may be. They feel so much shame over their "skeleton in the closet" and crave "normality". Unfortunately, this frequently becomes a frustrating and self-defeating battle of willpower.

Through enlightened therapy, a more helpful and realistic goal might be to explore just what purpose the fantasy serves. Subconsciously, does it give permission to let go and really enjoy sex? Is it a response to deeper guilt or shame? Is it a coping mechanism for a learned insecurity? What are the reinforcing beliefs or situations?

Instead of striving to shut out the fantasy, we might learn to respond and manage our needs in more positive ways. You have mentioned exhibitionist and voyeur scenarios; when this is conducted privately between consenting people, it needn't be framed as a problem. When others are pressured into participation, or destructive or illegal compulsions develop, then it's a different story. Learning new ways to respond and cope becomes a priority.

I'm pleased that sharing your story here helped, and I hope some of the other stories and advice here helps you to focus on finding a more positive outcome. As you say, many of us suffer from various forms of the same issues, and you are most certainly not alone.

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Even our deepest sexual fantasies can be a source of discovery. Our sexual fantasies can be a rich seam of learning about ourselves, far from being a source of guilt or shame or anxiety sexual fantasies are a gift, we can learn something about what we enjoy, what brings us most desire, & the most pleasure. Such fantasies also contain the elements of truth, things we previously didn't know or recognize about ourselves. What sexual preferences we have, what things excite & turn us on the most. I see my own sexual fantasies as something private & personal which I can enjoy but which I have no need to feel bad or guilty about, its just another part of life's rich tapestry. I have no need or desire to act out my fantasies in reality because I recognized that this would only end in disappointment, reality would never match the intensity of the fantasies. But this is the nature of the fantasy.

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I am a 25 year old male, and I'm already falling into this exact pattern. I am also considered attractive, intelligent, and successful by friends and coworkers. I've been dating a loving,educated, beautiful woman for four years. I love her with every inch of my being, and I am still extremely sexually attracted to her, but it isn't enough.

I have cheated on her with over 40 different women during our relationship. Three of these women are good friends of ours share, and my exhibitionist tendencies. I thought that if I found a girl who shared my fantasies I would stop exposing myself to strangers. I have three, and it doesn't make a difference.

I know this seems like bragging, but not everyone with this problem is a fat guy wearing a trench coat. I cannot understand why my girlfriend isn't enough. Doesn't she see me naked? Doesn't she watch me masturbate? What about the other three? Shouldn't that be enough?

I worry about contracting an STD, and sometimes worry that I may have one that tests haven't picked up on yet. My behavior is not only disgusting, but it puts my girlfriend in danger as well.

There was even an occasion where I exposed myself to a girl who then stayed to watch me finish. She giggled and took pictures of my penis with her phone. Isn't that the ultimate fantasy for an exhibitionist? Shouldn't I feel satisfied and move on?

I have been questioned by police on a few occasions, and I have been arrested once for indecent conduct. I was lucky enough to have it happen outside of my home town, away from anyone who knew me, or could read about it in the "Arrest log". And luckier still, to be caught in a state where indecent conduct is only a misdemeanor charge the first three times. I could've been placed on the sex offender registry. I can't imagine explaining that to my friends and family.

I don't understand why I do this, and I want to stop immediately. I just completely lose control. I live in constant fear of being caught. Sometimes people give me odd looks on the street, and I wonder if they know. I can't continue to live like this.

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It's good that you are admitting that you have a problem, that's always the first step. There are a couple steps that you should take that will help you get over this addiction. One thing is to find something else entertaining/distracting to do when you get the urge to masturbate. An example would be exercising or going for a drive. For me, its playing video games and exercising. Another thing that you might want to do is tell a close friend about your problem, its always good to have someone that can keep you on track. One other thing that would help would be to realize that you are making progress when you start going a week without it, then a month, and eventually a year. Reward yourself, not by masturbating, but by buying yourself something nice, or taking the wife out to a romantic dinner one night. The last helpful thing is to realize that you are not alone, Thousands of men get addicted every day and thousands break addiction every day. God be with ya.

Sincerely,
Jake

P.S.
C, hope the things I listed help you out too. I've been clean for about a month now, and I plan on never viewing porn ever again. You've got the power to stop brother, don't give up!

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Hi C: I'm a woman with similar tendencies. I want to be seen. All of me. I was a stripper long before it was cool, and that boosted my ego enough that the urges for exhibitionism were perfectly satisfied. I wanted to be wanted, appreciated, longed-for, and ultimately, what we all seek in my estimation, loved deeply for who i am. but unable to understand this last, I just wanted someone to see my vulva and be so turned on that they fixated on nothing but me.

Now with the advent of webcams, imagine the new level to which my own addictive nature has taken this problem. I go to video adult chatrooms, put on a "show", and revel in the many men who want me simultaneously. My ego grows enormously, all is well...until that one mean rude person says something personal about my body, something horribly mean...then I take it personally, shut the computer, feel horrible, believe everything mentioned by the one rude person to the exclusion of everything else. Then feel horrid about myself for the whole thing, the waste of time, the thought of being caught by friends, all of it.

This is a relatively new resurgence of an old problem for me. I have had urges "under control"...not really at all but carried out in a socially acceptable way. However, no one knows how many new lovers I've had, just wanting to see them get so turned on and want me. Once the new rush of that is gone, I lose interest because I see how generally otherwise inappropriate the man is for me. I have tended to choose based on lust, being blinded to larger looming discrepancies between myself and my chosen men.

I also am considered pretty good looking, quite fit, even a head turner. But I can't internalize this, don't really believe it, and it's not enough.

I have been in therapy to attempt to handle incestual molestation issues perpetrated upon me during most of my childhood, periodically, by the patriarch of the family. I don't feel it was especially "bad"...it was fondling, and not violent. Yet it was intensely uncomfortable emotionally, and I believed all my life that everyone in the family knew about it yet did nothing to stop it or help me. This is untrue as it turns out but I only discovered this relatively recently. I believe now that talk-type psychotherapy is extremely limited in it's effectiveness as the minds understanding of a cause and effect just can't seem to get into the body and cause real change. I have recently begun a more spiritual as well as body-centered practice that is helping more than all the rest combined; it is a "Non-Dual Reality" satsang teacher who helps me to see the larger me, rather than the small, addicted, broken me. I do have some hope for this though the peeling away of the layers of dirty, broken self has been excruciating.

I don't know why I'm even writing other than to tell my story, and scoff at those who think women don't have sexual addictions and off-cant predilections. I haven't even gone into my extremely disturbing, violent sexual fantasies which I indulge in while masturbating, not even within this new type of therapy. Hopefully someday I can get this out as well.

Thanks for reading. Any advice welcome.

-A woman who loves it too much

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This story is almost my story i've trough alot of suffering and very hard to repair marriage i will finish one year psychoanalyse on march 24 2012
i wish the best for the rest of your life

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