My cuckold porn fetish leads to despair - R's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 26/04/2010 - 11:27

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As I write this I have just come back from suffering a second breakdown and if this seems like it's written mainly in a past tense you'll understand why by the end.

I don't really know where to start and I feel great shame and loathing to write this. I hope I don't offend anyone with what I'm about to write but I have been struggling with these issues and I feel I need help. I have analysed this as much as I can in my own mind, trying to find a positive conclusion and it has left me feeling on the brink a number of times.

I have a cuckold fetish which brings me anger, sadness, shame, guilt, self-hatred... you name it.

I have never been comfortable sexually with the opposite sex (in a sexual sense) for a long time and despite being popular and sociable at school, I never had any girlfriends. The feeling of rejection and of not being worthy of love/intimacy etc must have been in me from then even though I didn't realise or admit it to myself.

From a young age I've always been overprotected and mollycoddled, showered with family love and praise.

I began to watch pornography from around the age 19/20 and soon became fascinated with it but back then I had no interest in anything 'kinky' per se. I saw it as a healthy appetite for basically seeing naked women - in fact the actual sexual acts didn't really interest me. I got my kicks from seeing the women naked and would often not even contemplate the male performer.

However I came across interracial pornography (black men with white women) and was disgusted by it at first (if anyone's seen this kind of pornography they'll understand how it's marketed, ie. that all white women are obsessed with black men and that black men are sexually far superior than any other race...)

For a while, I was curious about it as it scared me somewhat but as I gradually started to believe it, I felt myself becoming aroused by it and feeling submissive to it. This feeling robbed me of a feeling of masculinity as it was the first time I had watched porn and taken interest in the male performer. As much as this made me feel uneasy, the arousal far outweighed the guilt afterwards. And at first I used to convince myself that it was only porn and not to worry.

My obsession, fuelled by my unease, grew almost like I was powerless to stop a force of nature. I started 'seeing' it everywhere that white women were indeed obsessed by black men, even if they didn't know it yet themselves. I started believing black men were superior, looking at athletes etc (if so far this feels like some kind of twisted erotic story please bear with me). These sites would make me feel sick in my stomach, my heart would be beating as I looked at it but I had an almost insatiable appetite for it. The humiliation of feeling so inadequate.

I became to a point almost addicted to it. I would find amateur stuff and was shocked to see the extent of it on the internet. It caused me to look at people differently (the start of my depression). I suddenly felt the everyday image of people was a lie and that secretly and slowly white men were being marginalised, and it felt right that this was the case. I looked at white men with anger and shame that we we're being breeded out, and that we as a race we were worthless. A kind of survival fo the fittest that history shows we will lose.

The other side that I struggled to deal with was on the outside I was still looked up to by a lot of people. A lot of girls found me attractive, and occasionally I'd hook up with these girls but I'd experience erection problems and a lack of desire. A feeling it was ridiculous that they like me and I had no desire for them.

Pretty soon I had lost any desire for females and instead just wanted to see women with black men. This feeling made me feel so ridiculous and worthless and ashamed and so on, and also that if I could feel like this, then anyone could, and if anyone could then we are all doomed. However on the flipside if not everyone would feel like this, then I can never be the man I want to be.

This outlook of course left me with a massive load of issues that I'm still battling with. The original one being that I was worried I was gay... but to be honest if you take the woman out of the picture I have no desire to be sexual with a black man or any man for that matter.

Another great concern for me was the racist element. I have always considered myself non-racist and in fact the racist ideology behind a lot of the porn was what originally sickened me. But now the fact I was getting off to such disgusting and racist ideas sickened me, but also the more downbeat I felt about myself the more I wanted to watch the porn. I'd almost see it as a punishment for my patheticness.

But the most horrifying outlook was that

I had been stripped of my own pride and willingly so, which has made it harder to bear

that I'd never be able to live a normal life with a girl

the viewpoint that has filled me with panic attacks and breakdowns is that this is the way it's meant to be

If that all seems a bit jumbled up it's because it shows where my head is.

Basically 2 years ago I started a relationship with a woman (my first). After suffering erection problems and breakdown, I decided enough was enough and deleted all my porn, vowing never to go back to it. I have never told my girlfriend to this day about my fetish, for fear of shame and ridicule and also that I never want her to think along the lines I have thought.

At first I started taking anti-depressants, and just opening up about feeling depressed. The fact that I had turned to my family (even if I hadn't told them the reasons) made me feel better. I felt I had connected with people again. I had some CBT therapy which was again just on the surface of feeling depressed. However this didn't do much for me and I felt I had regained control of my life and didn't need it. I started looking at black men just like other people again, just like I had done when I was growing up. And when I thought about cuckolding I kinda laughed it off as a sick joke.

However through all these good times, and not knowing if it was due to the antidepressants, I struggled with sexual desire for my girlfriend. I could achieve an erection but struggled to ejaculate and often haven't enjoyed the experience. But I started to look at porn again. Just of girls stripping and would try and imagine me having sex with them. At first this didn't seem satisfying , but gradually as I lowered the dose of my pills and regained my esteem, I could imagine having sex with these girls and gained a sense of fulfilment from it. Even if I still got scared having sex with my girlfriend.

I felt almost like I couldn't let myself truly go in bed with my girlfriend, in case some of those unwanted desires that took over me came out. Every so often I would log onto the cuckold sites, to prove to myself that I didn't find them arousing any more, and I would come away feeling secure.

But a couple of weeks ago I went on one and felt the old arousal starting to come back, the humiliation, the fear. This coupled with me coming off my antidepressants left me with panic attacks and feeling like I can't go on. Feeling like I'm just gonna end up losing my mind through self hatred and masochistic sexual thrills.

I've felt better over the last 2 days but even writing this has proved very difficult. I don't really know what I'm looking for by typing this up but anyone who could provide me with comfort would be much appreciated.

Hi R and thank you for sharing your story here.

When we're locked into a compulsive relationship with pornography, the obsession can influence our personal model of the world. Many guys have experienced warped or deluded attitudes towards women, their relationship, sexuality and their own self-image. This can be an extremely disturbing experience, especially when it begins to direct our behaviour and interactions with other people.

Deep down, we know that the scenarios and settings of porn aren't real. From the fake orgasms to the plastic bodies to the more insidious suggestions of sexual stereotyping and violence, we know that porn producers spin a fantasy in order to shock and excite. So how can we still buy into it, sometimes to the point of obsession and deep despair?

One explanation is that watching porn puts us into an altered state. On this site, people often refer to the 'porn trance'. For the porn addict, countless hours are spent in this susceptible state, soaking up the absurdity of porn and reinforcing our mental acceptance through masturbation.

Through this process, our attraction to a specific fetish can really catch us by surprise. We might be making a connection with insecurities or prejudices subconsciously picked up somewhere in our past. Sometimes, a sexual obsession develops because we can't share or talk about it. Through porn, we find ourselves exploring attractions and ideas that we just don't have the language for in our everyday lives.

You have touched on the feelings of unworthiness that you experienced from an early age. It's not unusual for a porn habit to be motivated by a sense of never living up to expectation, or feeling like an imposter when people hold us in high regard. Porn addiction provides both punishment and affirmation of the bad feelings, over and over again.

It's clear that you have faced up to some incredibly difficult insights, and have experienced some freedom from the compulsion. And with all this self-insight and understanding, I know how disappointing it is when the behaviour still seems to continue. It's doubly frustrating.

But a lapse back into the behaviour isn't an indicator of hopeless failure. In many ways, it's an inevitable part of the long-term process of healing. At this point it may be helpful to pick up the therapy, either CBT or a different approach. This may enable you to open up further and reconnect. An opportunity to address the small part of you that still clings to the ritual of self-torment. Believe me, that final obstacle can be overcome and I wish you every success.

man thats a tough experience. i found this site due to my own problems with porn addiction and the strange effect on feelings for girls. i have seen so much stuff online. i still feel attracted to girls but am more screwed up around them than ever. and im sure they can tell something isnt right with me. i hope you can stay with your girl.

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Hello R,

I think there is nothing wrong with our normal sexual feelings which we have by ourselves or with a partner. I think having sexual fantasies is essential & normal but I think the problem with porn is that it provokes all sorts of other feelings. Feelings which we don't expect or hadn't anticipated, all of us have some degree of masochism & or sadism within us. I was utterly amazed by my training as a counselor & therapist & healer to be shown & made aware of my own masochism and sadism. But the point is that these qualities exist in each & everyone of us its only a matter of degree and how it gets expressed in our lives.

**If you have some degree of anxiety, insecurity, shame, guilt, or depression then the problem with using porn is it usually only makes those feelings worse or more intense, amplifies them or exaggerates them.

**I know I will always be very vulnerable to the powerful pull of porn, & that porn is just one of my Achilles heels, its a personal weakness, a flaw in my character etc. My advise for what its worth is that the more you can avoid or stay away from porn then the more chance you have of remaining in a well balanced state of mind or state of being.

**Sometimes practical methods are helpful in creating a gap or distance from porn. I have found using OpenDNS's free content filtering feature very valuable in this regard. It helps keep me away from porn by creating a boundary between porn & my vulnerability. With OpenDNS content filtering I cannot accidentally end up on a porn site, it just gets blocked but this is like having a safety net in place.

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I just want to comment on what Alex has said about OpenDNS. I have been using it for a while now because of his recommendation (thanks Alex) and think it's brilliant!

I feel i have had to be quite extreme with the practical methods i've put in place. I tried the free OpenDNS account, but still managed to find porn if i was determined enough so i ended up going for the Premium one for about £6 a year. This allows me to block everything except for 50 domains (sites). I've also purposely chosen a very hard to remember administrator password for Windows and thrown it away. I now only use a standard account. This means i cannot change the network settings to bypass OpenDNS.

An even more extreme method i've used (which does have it problems) is i've, again, purposely chosen a difficult OpenDNS password which i've forgotten and thrown away. I have even cancelled the email address i used to setup OpenDNS so i cannot request a new password by email so easily. Finally i have got rid of my mobile with the internet on and bought a really basic one without.

Even with all this in place, the urges are still there and only in time will i know if they're successful, but they really help to create a gap between myself and porn like Alex says. At the moment, with all this in place, i've had the biggest gap so far.

All the best on your journey

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Hello Max,

I know from what you have described that your methods have been quite extreme & whilst I cannot say (nor would attempt to say) what is precisely right or wrong for each person. I would add a small word of caution here though. And I think my point is about balance and how the human psyche (mind, brain) works. I think creating the gap or boundary around porn is extremely important & valuable in its own way but I think we also need to be very careful not to end up with an "all or nothing" situation otherwise you (me, us) can set yourself up to end up doing cold turkey and I know from my own experience that this tends to back fire ultimately.

**However, the good thing about using something like OpenDNS is that its a self selected method, you choose when & were to set the boundary. You take responsibility for your habits or behaviors. I felt in my case I wanted the boundary to be firm but not 100% impossible to change if required. I guess its because I didn't want it to end up being an all or nothing situation. This OpenDNS content filtering has been one of the few things thats really really worked for me & kept me off porn sites. And as I have been away from such sites I haven't missed them or hankered for them either much to my surprise!! YES! I was very pleasantly surprised bye this. I am not spending most of life fantasizing or thinking about sex or porn sites any more. So its not just a boundary or gap its much more than this, it helps shift my thinking & feelings too. In a positive direction I have to say.

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First off thanks for the replies and support!

I'd just like to follow my original post. I made that 5 weeks ago and as you can probably tell i was massively on edge. I was having suicidal/ despairing thoughts for about a week, hell i though i was going insane to be honest and was having anxiety attacks.. it 'seems' (touch wood) that these are wearing off. I think some of it may have been down to coming off medication (i hope).

In this time i have done a massive amount of reading about sex, sexuality, porn, biology etc and while i still have a whole host of issues and sometimes moments of highly irrational fears regarding this subject matter, i've kind of mellowed out on the anxiety front and feel im 'back with the living' again. I've also started CBT therapy which im quitely confident will at least help me with my struggle.

I've spent some time since looking at these interracial/cuckold sites and while i still find the subject matter disgusting..(ie the whole basis is getting off on humiliation, emotional pain and fear) i'm managing to control my fear of it, and thus the arousal that came with that fear.

The one worry is that the arousal that came with fear was so intense (in many ways i felt almost life and death with it) i worry that i will always be drawn to it if i let my guard down. Like a sky diver who's told that he can only jump off diving boards for the rest of his life

One massive positive is that i had full sex with my girlfriend, and it felt great and natural and how i longed to wind the clock back to years of innocence from all the porn.

i suppose my problem is slightly different in that i don't feel addicted to using porn but rather through my years of bingeing on it, and searching for more (in my mind) extreme stuff i've uncovered some very uncomfortably feelings and thoughts, that have made me question my/society's whole attitude to sex.

One of strongest emotions i currently have is regret and anger, in that i let myself get to this point. It wasnt like i was forced into this and despite my perceived rejection from women ive had a very happy childhood. However i blissfully believed that i was a 'good' person and that anything erotic wouldnt do any harm. and this is what takes me onto my fear for the future,
I'm pretty confident without porn i would never have been in this position. it took me at least 6 months of being disgusted by this porn to 'trying it' .

So i worry that our culture that contstantly tells us porn is harmless and fun and 'experts' telling couples the need to 'spice up sex' is leading us all down to a route of eventually discovering dark corners of our minds that are better left alone.

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Anti depressants especially SSRI's are famous for causing a lack of desire (decreased libido) difficult ejaculation and erection problems. There are other medications with less of these side effects.

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Well,your post was very affirming to how I've felt.I think you laid it out quite articulate and if you can do that then you have a strong chance of saying f**k this shit and battle it!

I always tell myself it's government propaganda to depress and sterilize ( metaphorically speaking)the white male(not racist but,whites are a culture that hinders this goal) who is a threat to the New World Order! And it could be just a unintended consequence that was pick up and utilized for brain washing our youth into sub-servant pride less tools?Yes,I'm a conspiracy theorist but like one of you commented,we all have dark corners of our mind and are sub-ceptable to a psychosis.So I believe that this is known to tv and porn or movie marketers and is used as a tool to affect some of the target population.Look at MTV!Its all bad-ass masculine black music and the white music they show is mostly gay and emo s**t.No more Slayer or real Heavy Metal cause it shows bad-ass white males and that might give whites a positive self image.So theirs more to it then porn,but sexuality and the desire for it are in us all so we can be manipulated in adverse ways that can make us feel inadequate and unloved...like I do.

I will Lay down in bed at night(every night)and think of how no women will want me cause I dont have a huge penis and that im not a wanta be gangster and I will repeativly tell myself how small my member is(im a even 6") even though I read that its average and ive read millions of post that say that but to no avail.I hate women now cause of porn and the propaganda it has imprinted on my psyche.How ever I wonder what its like for black men who are average or small and how they feel?Could it be worse?Well either waythe white youth all seem to be into black culture and the counter culture seems to be emo and gothic/punk style but as a minority.My sister only dates blacks(she is 19) and has had rap star posters on her walls since she was 13 or so.I see all these white girls dating blacks and listing to rap that is to me anti white so as i say, the manipulation on the young minds go beyond porn I believe.

So I know I sound racist but its a matter of that so don't lie about it. This was all just philosophy and my mind set so im not selling it as the truth,just mine.

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Hi R,

I have struggled with this same fetish, although in my case it has nothing to do with the racial aspect - I just got progressively more hooked on pron where a dominant male (of any race) and attractive female would sexually humiliate a submissive male (who I generally identified with). I think it may have started when a girlfriend cheated on me and was a reaction to my feelings about that, though in reality my gf cheated because she believed (rightly) that I was going to break up with her soon anyway. The fantasy I got from watching pron was a whole different story, that fed on itself.

You might want to read Norman Doidge's "The Brain That Changes Itself". It is a book about how our brains adapt to our environment and has a chapter on porn and how it shapes our minds. It is basically like Jason explains above: orgasm is very reinforcing and the images and videos put us in a porn trance, gradually changing and shaping what we respond to sexually. This is why guys who are addicted to porn would rather watch it than have actual sex with their wives or girlfriends. This is also why guys who would initially never be interested in some kind of fetish or sexual practice gradually, because of its shock value and maybe because it validates the shame they feel about themselves, become drawn into and obsessed with it. And as you noted, the ridiculous, cartoonish scenarios in these cuckold fetish movies distorts your thinking, so that you start believing really bizarre racist conspiracy theories and feeling worse and worse about yourself and your masculinity, feeding off the shame.

The point is that once we stop looking at the porn our brains can gradually change away from that and adapt to respond to a healthy sexual relationship with another person. I'd third the recommendation for some kind of blocking software (I use K9 which is free and very effective) as this addiction can reassert itself sometimes and cutting off access helps keep me safe. I've tried the "checking to see if I'm over it" thing and it eventually leads me back to my old behaviors. A friend of mine keeps the password for my blocking software. Talking about these issues with a trusted friend or friends or with the CBT therapist might also help overcome the shame and porn-distorted perspective.

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Hi R,

Maybe this will sound weird, but I'd like to thank you for sharing your story. You see, I've been facing the very same issues you have... I've been facing them for years, since I was a teenager. It's caused me all those feelings of shame, anger and despair that you described, and one of the worst things about is it that it seems that there's no one in the world you can share it with. It's such a humiliating and taboo fetish that it's impossible for me to think of sharing it with the people close to me and looking for help. It's made me feel so hopeless and helpless and ashamed. Your letter here is the first time I've ever encountered someone else who has this fetish and who identifies it as a problem... someone who I can really relate to. Thank you for that man. Maybe it sounds cheesy, but it really helps to know that there are other guys like me who are dealing with this and trying to get over these issues and live the healthy sexual life that they want. Also thanks to Jordan for the words of hope... the idea that we can let our minds heal the longer we stay away from pornography and those addictive images is inspiring. This is such a difficult issue to deal with... it's something that has caused me so much despair and torment for so many years... it will be a long and difficult road, but I still hope that I can move forward and attain that healthy sexual existence that I wish for. Seeing this page makes me feel like that is that much more attainable, so thank you.

Maybe I will post my own story here for the sake of others eventually, but that'd be quite long and it's way too late here for me to do that right now. Best of luck to everyone else dealing with these issues.

- H

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Wow. Reading your story has really made me feel better about myself -- knowing there's others going through the same struggles, feeling the tug of the arousal-disgust dichotomy which spawned from an intrigue in porn. (In my case, there is no racial aspect to this creepy fantasy)

It's been really hard living with myself lately, especially since I have a girlfriend and can't help picturing her with friends and constantly "testing" my arousal to these images. It's really painful and I can't stand picturing the girl I love enjoying sex with another man, let alone a friend.

I've always been the jealous type long before I encountered these feelings -- are you guys saying that this sort of insecurity combined with porn habits can lead to the sort of conflict I'm going through? I've been trying to give myself a psychological explanation of why these thoughts arouse me but gave up, believing I'm just hard-wired to always be aroused by being a cuckold. It doesn't make sense to me though, because I can't come to terms with it whatsoever -- this has got to be something I can change then, right?

I think I need some direct reassurance from someone that this is not who I am, that others like me have gone through the same thing and changed. This has gotten to the point where I prefer imagining her with someone else and it's really, really killing me because I love her so much and I know she loves me...

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It sounds like you have OCD or a similar disorder (I know because I have it). The thoughts aren't real so don't believe them for a second. Look up on the internet 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' plus something like 'relationship' and some of the things you feel and you'll find heaps of people with the same or similar problems. See a therapist (one who knows about and has experience in OCD - that is important) and know that you can be free of this disorder.

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wow thanks for this tip. found some good links (http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php?topic=35803.0) -- of course what goes on in my head is still "well why doesn't everyone else feel this way", "why me?", "is relationship ocd just a title sexually insecure people can dump their inability to be their true selves on", "maybe this is just the equivalent of me 'coming out of the closet', not as a homosexual but as a cuckold"

my post you replied to was several months ago now, and i think it is noteworthy that the time of my posts coincide with times i use add medication for studing, though i've been told i probably don't have it by the doctor who prescribed it to me (i think i do have it). in fact, these thoughts first came to me while i was crashing from an add med. the time in between was a time when i seemed to be able to repress these thoughts.

unfortunately, all of this has flared up again with the advent of finals (why i took the add med).

i can't help trying to reason my feelings and came to a conclusion last night which seemed to be a solid explanation for my feelings. i decided that i am turned on by these thoughts not because i want them, but because of various aspects which turn everyone else on too -- seeing a sexual act is arousing, seeing the woman you love having sex is arousing -- but usually that is just with yourself. the feelings accompanying this arousal however are also anger towards the woman and outsider man, disgust, and a bit of other feelings which i identify as 'normal', 'healthy'. also, humiliation, which made me realize i need to recognize my self-worth and that probably a lot of this fantasy depends on a weird humiliation kink i've been unaware of -- and of course that many other people would be, because i'm normal.

(sorry, very stream of consciousness -- i've sort of decided to just write what comes to mind so i could share with a therapist later)

concerning a "closet-cuckold": http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=115476 says i am one -- but i've never gotten to the point where i've actually asked/wanted this to happen.

reading this: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=7198946 ... my heart SUNK for "HD" when i read about the penetration -- literally cringed -- and was shocked to read in the comments that most people found him "At fault" -- then again i wouldnt set up myself in that situation in the first place.

anyways thanks for giving me a space to rant

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Hi R

Thanks for taking the time to write all of that down. I think i'm in a similar boat - I have a secret fascination with interracial porn. A decade ago I remember the thrill of finding dogfart photo sets (featuring a young lexington Steele, amongst others, with various white girls) since then I've spent (or wasted) many hours searching for this type of stuff. more recently I've sought amateur stuff as for me it has the essential verisimilitude the pro-stuff lacks. I think watching this type of porn has caused me to form a mental equivalence between my voyeurism and that of the cuckold husband. As a result I have started to fantasize about entering a cuckold relationship myself.

Much of the lifestyle seems incredibly exciting to me as a fantasy, although I share some of your repulsion at the stark real world implications of these preferences. They do stereotype and objectify black men. They also typically involve the degradation of the white male (me). These aspects of the fantasy are totally at odds with my values - in the real world abhor racism and avoid personal humiliation. R I think this is where our situations differ - I see the fantasy and reality as quite distinct things. I don't think that my fascination with IR porn advocates racism anymore than a female who has (what I underhand to be common) forced sex fantasies advocates rape. We all agree racism and rape are despicable in real life, but in fantasy are we not playing out roles? I not sure I'm convinced that there is a connection between mentally rehearsing these scenarios and real life behavior - if anything I think my IR tastes make me more aware of my own subconscious tendencies which makes me consciously avoid racist behavior in real life.

I'm not sure how much of what I've written here is just my own justification for a porn problem, but I wanted to add my perspective to the other respondents whose contributions I've read with fascination. Mostly I wanted to suggest to you, R, that things might not be so bad as you think. You've obviously suffered an ordeal with this but if you wanted to talk about your cuckold fantasies with your girlfriend or therapist you should not assume they will judge you to be some horrible kkk racist - you're just another one of use guys with a strange kink!

Good luck getting your relationship on track and congratulations for getting on top of the porn habit.

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I identify with R's experiences to some degree. I've consciously never thought of the porn and what it represents as anything but disgusting. Yet I had the compulsion to look for it once or twice after being inadvertently exposed to it.
Not to be too critical of you, W, but the suggestion that it is some sort of 'kink', even in one's fantasies, does not help but actually makes it worse - at least for me. I don't know how R would feel. It feeds into the doubt that it is at the root of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which is what it is for me and probably R. It's the disgust at the scenario that creates the 'pull' or compulsion. We don't feel there is anything acceptable about it.

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Don't ever share these fantasies with your girlfriend or significant other. While they may be okay with it at first, even engaging in "dirty talk" for you, it is not a road you want to travel down. You will always want more and more, and in the end she will lose respect for you. I know from attempting to be honest with two women in my life who I absolutely loved, and who loved me as well. They both cheated on me and broke up to be with someone else, and the last one cited the fantasies going too far as the reason for it. The cuckold fantasy is best ignored, at worst left in your head. To share this with your partner is extremely selfish. It will only lead to unhappiness, so seek as much therapy as you can, and don't expect just because they "love you" that they aren't going to start detaching and thinking there is someone better for them who isn't a freak. Trust me, I've suffered indescribable heartbreak because of this.
My two cents.

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I am the wife of a man with this cuckold/interracial fetish. I agree with the last post. Don't share it unless you've really got a willing participant. I was led slowly down the path, always have had an open mind about fantasy, role-playing, etc, in sex. For us, it was only role playing/fantasy-never a real experience. He would play both the role of the "wimpy" white husband who could not satisfy me-and I would need to tell him how he could never make me feel the way the "black man" could. Or, he was that black man (and I hate that it's so racial) and I was the unwilling-yet so longing for this huge thing (which is confusing to me?) that I could not get enough-though I was to struggle. I had no idea just how dark that road would get. It got to the point where that was the only way my husband could get off. And I ended up feeling very violated. Although it was consensual, when he played the "role" of the Black Man it was rough and my part was to resist and basically be fighting off a rape. Early on I gave him a blowjob and threw up. He was sorry. The second time I threw up he wasn't so sorry. Then it turned out that it turned him on. I am a pleaser. And I didn't want to be viewed as a prude wife who would not satisfy her man. However, in the end..What I found he was really looking at, talking about online, etc horrified me further and was the end of our sex life. It turned out to involve a lot of rape type scenarios. The woman merely is a "vessel" between the superior man and the humiliated man. It may not always be this way. But, I am no feminist-and THIS was too much.

Other factors came into play, but it was something that damaged our marriage to the point of divorce. I feel for him because I know that inside he feels the same shame. Much like the very first post here-he has gone to feeling as if all white men are being taken or outdone by the black men-if that makes sense? For some reason this humiliation turns him on. I know a fantasy is a fantasy, and it's not all sick-but this one, for my husband, is rooted in terrible self confidence and such low self worth that it makes me want to cry for him. It also makes me feel rather sad that I am the first and only person he had the guts to share this with, and was then rejected for it. I realize it's not my responsibility to validate him on this level.... but I feel it only adds to his sense of disgust with himself. The tricky flip side is, he gets off on the idea of being humiliated and put down-so it's difficult to know how those emotions could be separated. I sometimes wonder if he's taken a situation of past rejection and turned it into a good feeling, rather than bad..therefore, rejection would never be a negative factor? Just a theory. One of a thousand I've had.

If you are all willing and that's how you roll in your relationship-ok-whatever (even if I don't get it), but if you are actually getting off on the force or the fantasy that your partner is not feeling. Stop. Get help. It's a violation. Unless you choose that fantasy over your partner. Which he did.

I needed to get that out. Thank you.

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I wrote the comment above yours. I would only say to you that if you really love who your husband is apart from his sexual problems, then please ask him to go see a sex therapist with you. I know from personal experience that these are uncontrollable urges without help. Your husband isn't a weirdo or a freak, he's sick. Give him an ultimatum, and I can guarantee if he chooses the fetish he will last a week before he breaks down and wants to work on it. Be frank with him.

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I don't know about the rape/force thing, mine only dealt with the submissive aspect.

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I have a few women friends, some that have slept with lots of men of all colours and I have watched TV programs that challange the myth that all blaxx men are big, some are small too, and yes atheletes, pop stars and all sorts may be of colour but the majority of coloured people live a humble life. I agree with an earler statement that the media inadvertantly or advertantly portrays a wrong image but this isnt something you should get a complex over, I went through a mad racial state about 5 years ago when I was so anti black for the same reason but completely nothing to do with cuck. I then worked in the community and found the majority to be normal people and i lost my media resentment, I also think we are forced to live in america too whereas there are some mad badass people of all colours in the world, some that would chop you in up and rape your partner and chilrdren in front of you or cut your unborn children out and these are non black so I think the constraints you have with cuckold and humiliation also do not portray the real world. In a foreign country you would be lucky to leave alive if you were really being dominated and it would be no where as nice as they show on TV. I made a big mistake once and found a video of true humiliation, I think it was in Turkey and they had a poor man of different race and they had him in a prision and he was covered in real cuts and they cut him further, they made him do humiliating things to his captors and left. No nice blonde just real horrible world stuff from non blacks. I dont know why I feel compelled to write the above, the master race in history is a moving goal but i think we are in a period of intermixing now and will be and this I see as good as it means we should be stable with each other and not bomb the fxxk out of each other. I hope it doesnt seem like a rant, I just want to try and get you to understand that if you walk down the wrong street in England you will get fxxked up by any colour and each has their own fantastic music, each has double hard bastards and big willied dudes.. The other thing is 6". This is the average and I have had no complaints being of a similar size, my problem is porn feels better as I am in control of the journey wherever it takes me. I get the whole Cuck thing and I have seen 'real' cuck videos and they are laughable and I have seen the master with the same size as yours before . anyhow get out more, look for good white role models, realise that in many cases the black model is being explioted too in the fantasy too.

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I would highly recommend anyone struggling with the fact that they have a cuckold fetish to read a new book out called "One Billion Wicked Thoughts". In it two nueroscientists use the search histories of millions of anonymous web users from around the world and attempt to draw some conclusions about human desire. While their theories are fascinating in their own light, the raw data itself I found nothing short of staggering. Only a direct quote will do it justice: "Cuckold porn is the second most popular heterosexual interest on English-language search engines."

I would highly recommend the book if only to realize that regardless of how one feels about this admittedly bizarre phenomenon it truly is very widespread, moreso strangely enough than many if not most others. I for one found this reassuring. Though I'd rather not be turned on by this type of thing, it's nice to know that not only am I not alone, but apparently in good company.

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My advice to you is to start working out. Get some weights and use them as often as you can safely (don't work out too much because you'll only hurt your muscles). I say this for two reasons. 1, because if you're spending your free time lifting weights, you won't have as much time to watch porn and 2, because if you see yourself getting bigger and stronger you will feel more manly. You'll start feeling that your sexual inadequacy feeling is absurd.

You don't have to quit watching porn or even quit watching the interracial porn, but you will start to view is as nothing more than a fantasy (which is what it is). Keep in mind that many men have this cuckold fetish. If they didn't there wouldn't be so much of it on the Internet. The porn industry only produces content, which is popular. After all, they're primary goal is to make money.

Remember that women like confidence. Society paints black men as having a lot of confidence. Movies, TV shows and even commercials typically depict black men as being strong, capable and cool. This societal standard DOES lead many people to think that black men have some kind of advantage over men of other races. It is however, nothing more than a societal standard. It is NOT objectively accurate. Many black men struggle with the same anxieties and feelings of inferiority as many men of any other race. The way to get rid of anxiety isn't to change your skin tone...it's to believe in yourself.

The next time you start thinking that women are obsessed with black men, do some research. The majority of white women do not find black men attractive. Just as the majority of white men don't find black women attractive. People tend to stick to what is familiar to them. Familiarity feels safe and it's easier to trust those who are similar to yourself. Now, I say this because it's true and you shouldn't think that the white race is being bred out. However, it shouldn't matter to YOU. You are responsible for finding a mate. You are responsible for your own destiny. No matter what the societal trends or standards may be, you decide how your life will play out.

There have been studies to find out racial differences in many categories. Penis size is one of them. The conclusion is that black men are about 1/3 of an inch longer and 1/5 of in inch thicker on average. That's not nothing, but it's not the exaggerated discrepancy that the interracial porn industry likes to pretend exists. Keep in mind that those porn stars are HUGE. Average size is under 6 inches for ALL races. Those porn stars are sometimes in excess of 10 inches. Comparing your dick to those guys is like comparing your muscle size to Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.

And yes, black men dominate in sports. The African race has evolved to have great strength, speed and coordination. Did you know about I.Q. averages though? East Asian = 104, Caucasian = 100, Hispanic = 94, Black = 85. So black people get strength and speed at the cost of intelligence. Now, this isn't racism, this is statistical fact. I know smart black people and I know dumb white people. I'm only talking about averages. And that's really the point...it's about AVERAGES. In reality, it all comes down to the individual. Do you think guys like Tom Brady, Brock Lesnar or John Cena sit around worrying about big black men? Likewise do you think Neal DiGrasse Tyson or Barrack Obama sit around worrying about smart Asians and smart Caucasians? Individual prowess always trumps racial averages.

Also, remember that women are complex human beings just like you are. Most women don't sit around going, "I think black men are more likely to be well endowed and good at basketball, therefore I want them!" Most women want to be successful and have good lives. They want a partner who will love them and respect them, just like men do. Believe in yourself, find something you’re good at and be good to your woman. If you can do that, you’re awesome. Racial inadequacy should become irrelevant.

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I am very interested to hear all your comments. Particularly from 'the wife of a man who' - thank you.

I have a loving long term relationship, and have to some extent explored this with her - not actually doing it but I like to get her to threaten to fuck bigger guys while we are having sex. But I have been sensitive enough not to ask her to roleplay with this all the time - we follow both our interests, and have normal sex too. She has made sure of this limit more than me though, I must say. She likes being submissive so it is hard for the fantasies to be compatible. She has no idea the extent to which I like to watch white women violated, cruel and powerful online, the amount to which I webcam with men and women who talk through the fantasies with our names. . .

I am surprised that anyone would have this fantasy without having a gf - to me this is a fantasy very much about her. She has cheated on me before, and we got over it, but something happened inside during the long weeks when I couldn't get the image out of my head. To me that is the origin of my fantasy about it
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I saw once a film called 'two for the money' which is about sports betting and things; it is pretty good. There is a scene in which the main character sort of sets up his wife with the other main character (much younger and more attractive) and then watches them as they go into some apartment. There is a speech in it by his wife which I think really sums up this characters gambling problem and the distressing (to her) aspect that he wanted her to cheat.

She is talking about how the real addiction with gambling isn't the thrill of winning, its the thrill of losing. To me that is it - the thrill - the sheer adrenaline - of losing our beloved women is stronger than the daily pleasure of having them, or even of 'winning' other women who we might not care about as much. With porn this is only reinforced

I am very surprised that the cuckold fantasy is the second most popular (see post above)! Wonder what the first one is...

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I'd like to thankyou for sharing this, I have the same problem and had no idea how to get rid of it, but now I think I do. I'm so glad to find out there are others with this issue, for the last year or so it has been my greatest shame and embarrassment. I haven't told anyone, and I don't think I ever will. I hope it's a phase and I can just forget it after I have sex (I'm only 17). I think lack of confidence and self esteem, especially in a sexual situation, is part of the problem. I think I might to bulk up a bit to feel better about myself, see if that helps.

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First of all R, I'm right there with you about this becoming a problem for me as well and wanting to do what is necessary to curtail this sort of behavior and mindset. I want to talk about what we can do to help stop this behavior. I'm going to give an idea, and I encourage you to post any feedback or additional ideas as well.

Why would I want to stop this? Easy. It's obviously not a healthy lifestyle for numerous reasons. It promotes a lack of self-worth, self-esteem, etc. Not to mention, it probably prevents a good number of us of having good, intimate relationships with women. We're also online discussing this, when ideally, I guarantee everyone is in agreement, that we should be doing something more productive at this very moment, if we didn't have to deal with this.

But the fact is, we need to deal with this. We need to nip this in the butt here and now. It might not be easy, it might not be quick, but I think we've found this page because we're tired of living with this and we are looking for help in one way or another.

First of all, I agree whole-heartedly on this conditioning sort of remedy. Rome wasn't built in one day, our obsession didn't grow in one day, and it will not be gone in one day. But through practice, discipline, the right mental outlook, I know we can stop this behavior and thought-process.

Best place to start for me is blocking the porn on my computer with one of these programs. Why? Because the specific porn that we look at is promoting an unhealthy outlook and lifestyle both online, and more importantly, offline. It's hurting our relationships with women. It's also creating a jaded view of women that just isn't reality.

Let me tell you from my own personal experience. Denying the temptation to look at porn creates a more aggressive, more dominant me. Maybe that's just the real me coming out, I don't know. But regardless, by not surcoming to the temptation to jerk off keeps me on edge. If you must get off, force yourself to jerk off to something else besides why we came here. I'm not saying to deny why we are here, but we must take a proactive approach to helping ourselves.

There are also numerous other things that each of us can do or should do. I encourage anyone to share something as well if you think you feel the same way and can benefit one of us. I believe it's very similar reciprical altruistic behavior.

I have studied numerous fields like psychology, anthropology, philosophy, metaphysics, etc. to help with this and other issues in my own life.

It's good that we have a place here where we can come together and discuss this anonymously.

Honestly though, I could talk all day about this, how the problem arose, who is to blame, etc., but I feel this has been more than adequately stated above.

Remember, we should stick together on this and help each other out. I encourage as much pro-active behavior, thinking, ideas, whatever to help each one of us out.

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Hi,
I first want to thank R & everyone else who has posted. I have looked many times to find information like this, only to find postings where others choose this lifestyle without giving a second thought to the consequences. It is so great to find people who wanna stay clean of this and are looking for answers. I have questions about this fetish and I am looking for some answers too.

I simply have something to share right at the moment which I hope is help and encouragement. I don't think I have all the answers, I just hope this might help someone else like it has helped me. I have completed a Christian Mentor training that whether you believe in God or not, I believe gives some insight into how to turn away from this and can help one stay on the right track.

With any fetish or addiction, the more we put that "thing" in our heads, the more it is gonna take up residence in our mental space. Good stuff in, good stuff out... garbage in, garbage out. So blocking it where it isn't always available is a great idea.

However, the "thing" is usually what shows up first when we "stress". It is what shows up to "help us deal" when we are at our most vulnerable. Knowing this can give you a powerful weapon to combat the "thing". We know we can't run from stress, it is gonna show up sooner or later.

So what to do, right? 1st, You don't "stop" the images or desire in your head, you can't. You simply "change the subject". I also like calling it "change the channel" (since this can be about images as well as dialog). Having something else to "turn the channel" too, to dwell on that can also help to "de-stress" is a tool that I have used over and over with issues I have struggled with- with great success.

For each of us, that de-stress tool is individual. What are other things you like to dwell on that is fun for you? I know a musician who "changes the channel" by playing his guitar in his head.

But since the "thing" is gonna show up almost every time I stress, there are some battles I may not always win. But that is okay. A battle is not the war. I get to win the war. I just get back up, get back to what I know works and go on. I know it is self-defeating to beat myself up or feel guilty for loosing a battle. And I also know this "thing" is gonna follow me the rest of my life. The trick is to control it, not let it control me.

From a Christian standpoint, I also know I can lay this "thing" at God's feet, and He is always there to help me. He doesn't judge, He just loves me and helps me deal. That is the strongest tool for me. Knowing God is in my corner and carrying me over the rough spots.

That's it. Again thanks! I hope this can help someone else.

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Almost two weeks ago, I found this thread (and this forum) through a Google search on cuckold fetishism, and I've been meaning to reply to it since then. To the best of my knowledge, I am not a cuckold fetishist, and the thought of being in a cuckold scenario has never caused me sexual arousal. Nevertheless, I have been suffering from intrusive thoughts over whether I might secretly be cuckold fetishist, or might become one because of my obsessing over the subject, with my thought process in the latter case being that if our personal taboos have any bearing on our sexual fetishes, the act of obsessing over whether a particular fetish appeals to you will inevitably increase its taboo factor, and consequently, may make you more likely to develop a fetish for it. Because of my fears, I've been reading up on the subject with the goal of demystifying the fetish, as well as hopefully finding out why I don't possess whatever traits lead to its development, and for that reason, I would like to ask some questions, if no one minds:

- Before you developed this fetish, did you have any masochistic tendencies?
- Did you enjoy sadistic or aggressive pornography?
- Did you enjoy more mild, vanilla content?
- Specifically, what were your masturbation habits pre-cuckold fetish?
- Do you think the taboo nature of cuckoldry caused you to enjoy it?
- Do you think its taboo nature merely contributes to your enjoyment of it?
- Do you think it plays no part in your enjoyment of it?
- Would you categorize yourself as an alpha male, a beta male, or an omega male?
- How would other people categorize you?
- If you're an alpha male, or people see you as an alpha male, do you think that cuckoldry appeals to you because you are seeking out a sense of balance?
- If you are not an alpha male, but people see you as alpha or higher beta, have you generally felt as if you didn't belong?
- If you are not alpha, but people see you as such, have you generally felt a need to own your flaws, to convince yourself they are strengths as a kind of defense mechanism? If so, do you think this caused or contributed to your cuckold fetish?
- If you are not alpha, but people see you as such, have you generally felt a need to accept your flaws without deluding yourself, however unpleasant the task may be? If so, do you think your cuckold fetish developed as a way to move past what you considered to be your shortcomings?
- Is your self-esteem so bad that you have difficulty identifying with any non-cuckolded male in porn or your sexual fantasies?
- Think hard. Before you developed this fetish, do you have any memories of being remotely turned on by cuckoldry?
- Do you consider your fetish more a product of nature or nurture?
- Is your penis as large, average, or small?
- Are you insecure about your penis size?
- Are or were you ever a jealous person?
- Do you feel as if you developed this fetish because you constantly imagined your significant other cheating to the point where you gradually became turned on by it merely because it involved someone you attracted to having sex?
- Do you exclusively masturbate to cuckold porn?
- If you had never masturbated to pornographic images and videos of cuckoldry, do you think you would be as obsessed over it as you are?
- Lastly, if you know what you know now, do you think there is anything you could have done to prevent cuckoldry from becoming one of your fetishes?

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds. You're helping someone who may be in the process of losing his mind.

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Hi Raskolnikov

That's an interesting post on an interesting thread.

This thread has veered way off the topic of compulsive porn use, and I'll admit that I've considered closing it to further comments. Yet... it is insightful, full of articulate views and no other porn addiction forum permits this kind of dialogue... and that's kind of a minus point for them.

So let's see if anyone responds to your survey. The questions are good and I'm half tempted to have a go myself, but I don't have a cuckold fetish ;)

As for over-thinking the issue... maybe. Watch yourself for obsessing over this, but I sense you are seeking real answers with purpose.

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I am thankful for all the posts here because it is rare to have men openly admit this is a problem. All of my searching for information on why my husbands obsession is so toxic to me/us have been futile. All too often you find the threads that state porn is no biggie, men just do it, women need to accept/ignore it, or elude to the fact that maybe the woman is the problem. Pornography has been a thorn in the side of my marriage for some time. Sometimes I pretend it doesn't go on even though I know it is always lurking. My husband also obsesses with cuckold fantasies and though he doesn't openly admit it, I know that he has a strong preference for the interracial type. I have played along with some of the cuckold fantasies (role play) thinking that it was my duty to please him. Porn has a way of doing this to us women. I wish that I never would have played along because now when we have sex he always wants to bring this into our bed. I hate it. I wish that my husband could just want me, not this twisted fantasy. His mind is so warped by this that he even obsesses over my every move, always making suggestive comments that I am cheating or that I want to leave him. I have never cheated and never will. But the sick thing is that he has cheated on me and yet for some reason I have stayed through all of this. I love my husband so much. I wish that he could just let all of this fantasy stuff go. I don't know how much more I can take. For all you men struggling with this, please get help before you ruin your current relationships or sabotage any chance of forming one.

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I am by no means a conspiracist in the ordinary sense (nwo, illuminati, all that garbage), but I do think there's a blatant anti-white agenda at the heart of interracial pornography. The biggest names, while they do not state this openly, are black supremacists. "Lexington Steele" is a black studies major who stated that Jesus was a black man. "Mr Marcus" is obviously a black power type, who misconstrues the concept of a "dominant" trait when referring to black skin color and has black nationalist symbolism in his tribal tattoos. "Nat Turnher" is a reference to Nat Turner, the slave leader. "Prince Yahshua" is clearly some sort of Black Israelite/NOI/Five Percenter. I could go on. These are not innocuous poor blacks that are being exploited by the industry. They're extremists with an agenda that is explicitly anti-white. Some of the worst material involves "breeding" - purposefully inseminating and impregnating white women with the avowed purpose of wiping out the white race. Many such films are presented as reparations for perceived past ills, such as slavery. I heard "Sledge Hammer" clearly state that he feels he's getting reparations for his ancestors by f*cking white women.

My fetish is not as severe as in the people who have previously posted here, but I do resent myself for enjoying such filth. I live in a European country with few black people, although the foreign african students that come here only seem to be interested in looking for nookie among the local womenfolk. I can clearly say that I regard blacks with much hostility as a result of IR porn, and after reading all your messages I think I am fully justified in doing so. This is an act of aggression against white manhood, and it was clearly intended as such. Imagine a porn film involving a black with a small penis chained and forced to watch a white man defile a black woman and get sloppy seconds afterwards - the PC police would never let that happen, not in a million years. Also, I'm absolutely appalled at the black male worship that takes place in the western mainstream media, it seems like every commercial, film and music video is poised to show the black male as a superhuman, and usually pair him up with a fair-skinned highly attractive white woman. All this while deriding white males as either puny, effeminate and undeserving, or evil racists. A few days ago I saw a documentary called "Mixed Britannia", a nauseating paean to interracial marriage in the UK, in which white women who chose to mate with west indians or middle easterners were praised as "brave". How much more of this are you going to take until someone makes a stand? If they can ban Max Harcore's stuff, they should ban IR as well, or at least its more extreme manifestations. In the olden days, the only way you could claim the women from another ethnic or racial group was going to war and exterminating/enslaving all the men from that group. Nowadays, we have laid our women at the feet of the barbarian hordes without a single fire being shot. The argument could be put forth that we, as a race, have been rendered "worthless" by this sort of social engineering.

I made a resolution I would stop watching this stuff sometime ago. I sometimes relapse. Thanks to your messages, I am more committed than ever to avoid this poison. Thankfully, my girl is an absolutely beautiful white woman who stated, in a completely unrelated context, that she finds blacks completely unattractive. Thank God for that. Also, despite the fact that I'm a very career-oriented person, I plan on having 5+ children, no matter the financial circumstances. The dark races are indeed outbreeding us and I think we should definitely do something about it.

Thank you for this platform and I trust that, should you find my message racist or offensive, you'll choose to challenge me rather than censor it.

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