My compulsive masturbation ruined my life - HM's story

Submitted by a reader on Thu, 17/06/2010 - 17:43

a reader's picture

Dear Friends,

It’s too late for me and my life is ruined.

I began watching porn at quite a young age. I felt that it was a normal manly kind of thing to do, after all, my dad had his stash of woman’s magazines.

One day, I was caught masturbating and I felt that the person who caught me seemed to enjoy it. That experience opened up a brand new world for me.

Soon, I was putting myself into situations where I would get caught by total strangers. Sometimes, the female would act as if she didn’t notice. Other times, I would get nasty looks or receive negative comments. But then there were times, the minority by far, where I would get positive feedback from the female or females. There were times where these strangers would participate in my masturbation. Some of them would have sex with me.

This was the hidden me, in total contrast of what the world thought of me as a person. I was always in normal relationships with women. I had a career, cars and home. I enjoyed nice vacations.

I honestly never thought that what I was doing was bad, after all, what damage am I doing, I’d ask myself. Heck, if they don’t like it, they can just ignore me, I’m not hurting anyone.

I did it for years until I got caught and charged with a crime. Now I am a felon and a registered sex offender for life. I want you to know that I’ve never raped nor have I molested anyone. I’ve never forced someone into doing something they don’t want to do. Yet I am portrayed to be un-human, a dangerous monster.

I decided several years ago that my life was totalled. After all, how much worse could things get for me, so I stopped registering.

Today, I have wife and kids. I try to lead a normal life but now struggle just to survive. I wonder where I’d be today if I had not found that stash of porn. Don’t be like me. Please don't ruin your life.

Thank you HM for this very honest account.

You share a lot of insight into how early experiences involving porn and masturbation can result in compulsive, risky behaviours. I hope you are able to make the most of your family life, and keep moving positively forward.

My parents met when they were in their teens and married, they definitely loved each other very much. My dad died suddenly at 70 years old & had been doing an open university course (distance learning) which involved having a PC with dial-up internet access. After his death I had to check through his desktop PC, I was pretty surprised to discover his small stash of internet downloaded porn. There was nothing perverted or extreme it was a lot of soft-core mostly with a few odd harder core images of male female sex, pretty vanilla flavored stuff by comparison to what's available on the internet these days.

I just deleted all the images & have never to this day told my mum as I just didn't want her to be upset or hurt her feelings. Its a bit of a dark secret I guess. I don't think she ever knew about this. Its very ironic because my dad was a family doctor & had seen thousands of women professional probably with very few clothes on so its even harder to understand his being drawn to porn like this but there you go, truth is odd sometimes isn't it.

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Actions have consequences!! I know this sounds like a trite cliche but actually its one of the hardest life lessons to really learn. Sometimes actions can have consequences which cannot later be undone (for example the amount of time Ive wasted on porn), we metaphorically burn out bridges, we cross a threshold, we cannot go back. Its a done deal so too speak & we then are faced with having to live with whats happened & the way things have turned out. However, there are other actions which result in consequences which may be heal-able later on down the path when we have had enough time to reflect on our own part in events. And perhaps the most desirable state of affairs is when we are more fully conscious of our feelings & also our choices. Then we can make well informed choices, empowered choices knowing what is really best for us, choices which meet my inner needs rather than bury them. Denying my true needs & not allowing myself to feel the feelings only prolongs the pain the distress and porn wont help solve or heal that. Using porn is based on irrationality & poor choices.

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Dear HM,
I'm sorry you had to go through what you went through. You paid a price for acting on your sexual fantasies and turn ons. Our story is for real, but all guys that put their sexual needs and fantasies pay a price. Sometimes they are too stupid to understand ( sorry, no offense).
Alex,
Your dad story took away that little trust I had in men. I don't want to be mean but a 70 year old masturbating to porn is not a very good picture I have in my head right now. Is it possible for men to be loving and caring human being and dedicate their lives to their wives bodies only?!?!?
I doubt it..my dad is a pig starring at young women everywhere. My husbands does the same thing. I stopped enjoying going out with him. Its disgusting the way he looks at this late teen girls. I never thought I would have a problem with looking. I am not the one woman in the world, but its disgusting how important sex is to you guys!!

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I am not a native English-speaker so try not to get angry with my grammar. I have had relationships with women and investigated the issue a lot. I am a man, and so this sounds like I am just saying "stop hating men". Well, I am not. All I am saying is that we are humans, we are not just men and women. Men and women are alike, but the "sex is very important"- thing is just a bit different. But sex seems to be VERY important for most women I have seen and heard by themselves.

It´s Darwin that speaks, women talk of trust but often want their men to be very very harsh in bed I have so many times heard "take me very hard!!!". Women are very narrow-minded with sex often and they blame men for being dirty Jacks but when it comes to bed it´s women who make ruuuude desicions about "is he GOOD" or not. Wake up. Men are struggling, really are. They need to be nice guys who do not watch other women. But in bed, they need to be animals. It is the BASIC THING that needs to change. Do you like a soft penis or a hard one? If you like it hard "of course", then ask yourself why? Have you ever thought about it? How about soft men, who cannot get erections? Is that enough a man for you if he is a good man? Have you ever thought about what the situation is in a male/female thing in sex? Women want that men "take them". Why? Isn´t it silly, really. Why cannot we be just humans. Touch and love, no need for the stupid "he is a good lover" or whatever stupid things. Thinking that a man should be a good lover and lasting, hard, etc is a fetish as well. But well hidden, I know ;-)

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I'm not sure you are doing the right thing not trusting all men, especially your husband, because while growing up we guys are led to believe by our peers that you have to stare at girls or else you are gay!(at least thats what happened to me!). But if its such a problem to you, try talking to him, he may listen and control himself.

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Your mentality is disgusting. You're a men hater.

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I'm no prude myself. I have a lot of fantasies that I would be embarrassed to admit to another woman. I actually find really exciting what HM was doing and I have done my share of not so chatolic sex encounters, BUT at the end of the day life is not about sex and sexual fantasies and pretty women. I don't know how men can not make that difference.At least men I know can't. We are not sex objects!!! I married my husband to be loved and cared, not to be his sex object now that he stopped watching porn. I am sorry I sound too angry today...

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I disagree, not all men watch porn. I happen to know one. Isn't it funny how the one guy I know who doesn't watch porn, is the one guy I know who most girls won't go out with? He is they guy who the popular guys make fun of. We always kid that he will never have a girl friend, but he is the most diserving of one... Just a thought that I hope you remember next time you pass judgment on a guy you don't even know

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Hi again,
I'm NOT making excuses for men but I do strongly think that the male psyche is hardwired from a genetic point of view (from our primitive evolutionary past, survival instincts) to seek out as many sexual opportunities to pass on their genes. Meaning many men cannot help look at young pretty women who appear sexually attractive to them.

a) Blame evolution & genetics for our voyeurism perhaps?

b) There is looking & then there is looking? its "how you look" in my opinion that matters.

One can look at another person from a completely dispassionate view point, look & meet that other person as an equal human being & nothing more, one can look with curiosity & genuine interest in another person, or you can look at another person with nothing more than lust.

c) If you have a porn habit this tends to encourage a mindset & view as women as purely sexual objects. Which is unhealthy I would have to agree with this.

d) When you genuinely love another person you don't reduce them down to a two dimensional sexual object, in fact not only is there no desire too do that but its also very hard too do that. Real desire includes love, intimacy, includes actual sexual feelings & give & take ideally. Real love & real sex is not reductive but inclusive.

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Once again, the situation is NOT straight forwards in our culture between male & female. Men also get confusing or mixed messages from women. Women are not passive, women are not innocent creatures. Women do dress in ways that are designed to knowingly attract male attention & this cannot be denied, naturally if you set out to attract attention then you shouldn't be surprised or set up if you get that attention. What else are men supposed to do with such sexual messaging not look?

Women set out to create a stir, set out to attract attention. They like that attention , want that attention, want to be the center of attention. In fact I'd go further & suggest that this attraction & attention seeking is a form of emotional & sexual manipulation. Its one way to use your femininity, it could be seen a legitimate form of using your power. Of course I'm not accusing all women of doing this but I do think its a very common method.

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In other words if you follow a stereo-type or aspire to become a stereo type then you shouldn't be that surprised if you get a stereo typical kind of response in return from others. Like all the girls on the TV show (BBC 3) snog marry avoid who's role model was Jode Marsh who is about a fake as its possible to become.

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No, I understand totally, but there has to be some leeway given the whole "guys-going-through-puberty" thing; part of it is a natural occurrence to explore one's body, and if taken to an extreme it can become a thing that will damage your life. I've had someone walk in on me while I was taking care of business, (so to speak), and yes, it has Ruined My Day, but it's all about moderation.

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There's not a single thing about porn that's real or authentic. Porn = fake it really is as simple as that!

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You and me Alex know that porn is totally fake. Try to tell that to kids that are growing up watching porn. My 13 year old cousin thinks that all women LOVE anal sex. Why? Because that's what porn is showing him. He thinks that all women love to be treated like some women are treated in porn videos. Why? Because he doesn't know any better. He is 13. I have a feeling that kids are going to have a hard time having real intimate loving relationships when they grow older.
How would they know better? The porn industry is showing them that women like stuff like that ( which in some cases its true, but not all women do).
Teenage girls are growing up with the idea that they have to make out with out girls, cause that's what's cool. I don't see anything wrong with same sex relationships ( I'm bisexual myself). But I have a problem with what is considered cool and hot nowadays.
Yes you are right some women love attention and will wear skimpy clothes to get it. I appreciate a beautiful woman myself, but the way I look at the way that men hooked on pornography look its not the same. I've known a lot of men in my life and not everybody stare for seconds and seconds to girls in supermarket. I've noticed that men that have a problem with porn and some sex addicts have a different way of "looking" at women.

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Well you're right about 13 yr olds being oversexualized and watching too much porn. Another example is 11-13 yr old girls dressing up like little whores with fishnet stockings, very short skirts etc etc. ... In this climate - we are heading towards a lot of people who are going to have trouble committing and having productive long term relationships. It's also making the sexes lonelier: each sees the other as a potential fuck-buddy, and friendships between sexes become non-existent....
blame the desacralization of culture, the cult of pleasure and youth. the UK leads in this yobbo culture.. I'm not a fan of "hell and brimstone" religion, but there is a place for healthy religion or at least the acknowledgement that humans are more than just fucking machines... in a purely secular culture, you tend to drift towards humans being of no more worth than cars or robots.

Author Theun Mares has a lot of valid points - worth reading. PS: yes women at heart do want to be taken and do not want men to be timid about this... A famous hindu yogi said: a wife is a nurse, a friend, a confidant, and a prostitute... that's the reality of it. I think part of the problem these days is that men have lost themselves in being too feminine. Then they turn to porn to release the "lumberjack within" which they are not aloud to express in public.

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Hello F,

YES! I have to agree with your comments above.

QUOTE: My 13 year old cousin thinks that all women LOVE anal sex?. That's because your 13 year old cousin has never tried to stick his erect penis up a girls anus & because he's never been told by a real women or girl that having a large erect member forced up your anal canal is like medieval torture i.e. excruciatingly painful. YES! that some forms of sexual practices are an acquired taste for those limited few who weirdly seem to like them. Being spanked, whipped or canned are not things I wish to try myself, they don't strike me as in the least bit erotic frankly.

**Have you ever had semen get in your eye then again you would know how painful that can be too!! Frankly its horrible. Its another porn industry mythology that ALL women love to have a man ejaculate onto their faces or breast's. Its a load on non sense excuse my pun!!.

**I have to absolutely agree with you about porn's negative effect (long term) effect on how young people form intimate relationships. This is something I also seriously worry about, are we creating a generation of young men who have become almost totally sexually impotent because they have obsessive masturbation on the brain & in the body?

**I think we (our culture) is so bombarded with confusing messages, so bombarded with fake I think we are really really hungry, & thirsty for things that are genuine, real, the authentic, the original, the non mass produced. Which of course real love, real intimacy & really intimate relationships provide a counterfoil too all this fake-izm. But as you say untangling the faked from the genuine has become the central challenge of our times.

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The problem with porn is that we become obsessed with the "idea" of sex but porn has almost nothing to do with the reality of actual sex. Porn is like sex in the head, we get hung up on the idea of sex itself. Porn hooks us into sexual fantasy, sexual day dreaming. Once again this has nothing much to do with sex with another person and everything with too do with escapism.

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Looked at from a wider perspective (if you can stand back & be dispassionate about it) then pornography is only yet another "ism" or temptation, or crutch that is available in our society. Porn is only one amongst many it should realistically be seen on a par with Alcohol, Drug taking, Gambling, Shopaholic (retail compulsion), Over eating and so forth. It's no better or worse than any of these other forms of habit or escapism.

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I agree with you when you say that being hooked on porn is like alcohol, shoplifting and over eating. These all are addictions that somebody choose to deal with their emotions. The only difference is that when you have one of the above addictions, sooner or later you are going to hit the rock bottom and you will be forced to change your ways. Chances with porn are less. Our society treats porn like its normal and cool. Me and my husband were seeing a marriage counselor and she basically told me that I was over reacting, cause porn and masturbation are normal. My counselor said that!!! She told us that if my husband wasn't in the mood to have sex, I should find ways to satisfy myself. This was after we told her we hadn't had sex in months. Her answer frustrated me more than my hubbys porn dependency. An educated, professional counselor told me that!!!!!!
Porn addiction ( its just easier to call it an addiction) is very personal too, so its very hard to be identified. It took me three years with my husband to find out how much porn he was watching. He realized his porn was a problem after watching it for 20 years.

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F - you need a new counselor. Someone who does not understand the underlying factors of addiction isn't worth the money, period. Anything can be addictive - I'm hooked on caffeine (which is concerning but I rationalize it by saying at least it's better to be hooked on that than porn ... but it's still a rationalization. If my therapist tried to rationalize any of my addictive behaviors I'd ditch her in a second, but I'm making some progress because she gets the underlying emotional factors that can lead to -anything- becoming a problem).

Porn is looked upon as cool and hip and quite frankly, watching a bit of it every now and then is something that some people can do with no problem - it doesn't make it cool and hip though, just like some people can hack having pints now and then, or even some ecstasy or cocaine and still function, but it doesn't make it cool. The cool factor is all marketing. I have started reading about porn documentaries and porn star biographies and 90 percent of former porn stars have deep regrets and came out of the industry worse for wear. There are a few that have made it through intact, but not many.

This 'it's just porn' tends to be a rationalization by people - including therapists - who never or rarely watch it. They've got no clue. I've never heard anyone, therapist or not, say 'it's just porn, it's just ecstasy, it's just caffeine' if they have some experience struggling with the temptations. In other words, they don't have the experience to comment wisely on it.

As for her comment on masturbation - it is normal and natural but even that can become a problem if it's used as an avoidance mechanism rather than for satisfying healthy desire.

Run for the hills with this therapist and find someone who has a clue. :(

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Alex,

To me, the women who engage in the behaviors of "sexual manipulation" that you describe are just as much victims of porn and its corresponding attitudes/beliefs that the men who watch it are. Most porn (and even depictions of the male/female relationship in many advertisements, movies, TV shows, etc.) portrays sex and male/female interactions as a power play, in which one person is the conquerer and the other person the conquered. Seeing porn and its resulting attitudes as a strictly "male" problem seems to perpetuate the imbalance between the sexes. These attitudes are a societal problem that affect men and women equally. I think that for both sexes to heal from these sorts of attitudes, a new attitude needs to be adopted, one in which sex is something to be shared and represents unification rather than a power play.

There are women out there who don't use sex to manipulate, just as there are men who don't watch porn. But I think that like attracts like, and, until the folks with the unhealthy porn-influenced attitudes reframe their understanding of sex, they'll keep getting into relationships with other folks who share those unhealthy attitudes.

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Margaux I totally agree. I'm bisexual and before I met my husband I met with this woman who was bisexual also. She was married. Anyway without too many details, when having sex this woman was extremely loud. I asked her, cause I knew it was fake, I asked her what was with the extremely loud moaning and screaming. She said she couldn't help it, she was used to faking it, because her husband didn't orgasem if she wasn't loud like the porn stars. I thought it was so sad. Sex is supposed to be an intimate time when people can be themselves, still women fake the loud noises so their partners can enjoy sex more?? Like porn stars?!?!?! Its sad!!

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wow, as a male, I am not sure of I am hooked on porn, but o like erotica, weather it is video, comic books, audio books, or regular books. I can't believe some of the stuff I am seeing here. It is entertainment like any other form. it fuels our imaginations, and gives us a springboard to talk about things that turn us on. sex is not love. sex is how people in love communicate and play. not all porn is fake either. there are many people who enjoy performing for their partners in front of a camara. and how often do u see people role playing something they have seen on tv? many ,couples like to rollplay different themes they have seen in porn because it is fun. they like looking for ideas that appeal to them in porn. developing their bedroom personas. I dont understand why more people dint get that. I guess some people do abuse porn, and that is what most of u r talking about. but I think getting addicted to porn is the acception, not the rule. and 13 year olds are not supposed to be looking at porn, just like they are not supposed to be drinking. I know that the curious will anyway, and some will get wrong idea. but that is just too bad. me and my girlfriends knew it waren't real, but we had fun pretending, and found new things that turned us on and made us horny for each other. we liked watching each other masturbating to porn also. no jealosy or hurt feelings. it was a safe way to explore our sexuality with each other without putting ourselves in unsafe situations. we were better than lovers, we were best of friends. and still are after 32 years.

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Hello Margaux

YES! well once again I have to agree very much with your comments. My only further point would be that these societal (cultural) attitudes towards sex & sexuality, & sexual relations don't come from no where its called "Patriarchy" as I'm sure you already know & are fully aware of this. Patriarchy is as old as the hills & I cannot see it changing soon, its been around for the last 2,000+ years.

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You know what, sometimes we forget just how "incredibly" powerful having sex with another person can be! We get so confused as to what constitutes sex that we have turned it into just another form of sports, a hobby or some kind of trivial pursuit, or some financial commodity.

We have lost sight of the real reason for sex, sex is the glue that holds relationships (couples) together, sex is the most powerful & the most wonderful form of loving intimacy you will ever experience in your life. Sex is a form of bonding process apart from reproduction too of course. Sadly, capitalism has reduced sex or the sex act down to another product or commodity but this is not real sex, it is the sex act taken out of its original context within loving relationships.

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I've been thinking about all the guys I know who watch porn and realized something. They act soo shallow. They cuss a lot too. Most of them can't keep a gf for longer than a few months. I think that their cussing is another symptom of porn. I may be completely wrong but I think that the numbing effect of porn, when combined by culture tellin them it's cool, makes it easier to cuss. Think about it, those words wouldn't mean as much to them because of them numbing effect and add a little influence in there and you have a problem. What do you guys think?

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Dear Editor,

You hit the nail on the head about my early sexual experiences leading to very risky behavior and like Ms. F said, I was too stupid to realize that what I was doing was wrong.

I remember some women saying “eww gross” or “you’re sick”, or “I’ve seen better”.

But that risky behavior came with jackpots which allowed me to have a few indescribable sexual experiences with complete strangers. I would feel elevated levels of fear and uncertainty of knowing what’s going to happen--getting to know the person in the most awkward situation was embarrassing yet so powerfully addicting and the explosion to come was overwhelming. But the final toll was much more than I could ever imagine.

I have not seen my family and friends in so many years will likely never see them again. I worry so much about them and know that they worry about me. I will never know what it is to dine at a fine restaurant and pay with a credit card, or take a nice comfortable vacation.

Now I am living in a different country, I struggle to earn a living but I have freedom and I am a regular person, no longer a monster in the public eye. Most importantly, I do not participate in any type of risky behavior.

After about a year of being with my new wife, I confessed my old life to her. She didn’t like it what I did but accepted it. I now consider this my home and this is where I want to live and die.

P.S. Addictions never lead to anything good. For those of you who may have a problem, Ask our father God for help. Leave your addiction--you can do it and don’t give up.

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Dear Editor:

Your site is a blessing to those who may have a problem. It is possible for people to fix their problems and lead good lives.

Please see the videos on the following link:

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/AgeOfConsent/#

I think that all bad decisions should be punished, but the punishment should always fit the crime.

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Too bad you had to learn the hardway HM. You should've sought treatment before this happened. I am happy to hear that you were able to move forward with your life though best of luck.

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HM you sound really remorseful, but not as though you understand why you were charged with the crime. Men who engage in forms of harrassment such as leering, verbally commenting, touching, and public exhibitionism and masturbation seem to think they are doing something fun, cute, manly, sexy, and exciting. They are all violations of the women who experience it. It's an epidemic of men doing this. For me, I'm not so affected when guys jack off in public or walk with their flies open and their penises exposed--that to me is just very pathetic. To me it is much more intrusive to be leered at. I live in New York City and I do not dress provocatively and I cannot get down the street without men honking their horns at men, leering at me, making comments. This makes me feel violated and raped. It is very upsetting. To Miguel, imagine if you lived in a world where gay men who had more physical strength than you and often outnumbered you leered at you and objectified you as though you were not human?

I feel that simply growing up in this society is a form of childhood abuse for both males and females.

I was molested at age 8 and date raped by a boy friend who was a sex addict.

In order to deal with my feelings of powerlessness I turned to becoming a sex worker myself ironically enough where I was objectified but at least paid for it.

I think the pornography machine is terrible and evil.

I also believe a large percentage of female eating disorders come as a response to a climate of male lust whether anorexia, bulimia, or overeating.

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you're website is great, if only I could get my husband to read some of this. About a year ago I discovered his use of internet pornoghraphy, which sometimes he and I would engage in together. I used to think it was healthy, until it became secrative for him, Almost every time I would leave our home, take a bath,a nap, or even in the middle of the night, I would find evidence that he had visited a pornoghraphy site, or at least satisfied himself .When I would inquire about this, he would become very angry, and place blame on our children. He has told me several times that I'm CRAZY, I was making something out of nothing. He has since discovered in private browsing. Well I had had enough, after all his denials about his use and masturbation and cutting me off from sex, unless he wanted it(because every time I initiated it , I have been denied) I purchased a tape recorder. Once confronted , he still denied, until I played some of the text for him , now he has left me after 22 years of marriage. Did it get too boring for him? I really tried , I would swallow his cock(let him cum on my face), take it up the ass on occasion, let him slap my face, pussy, and tits, around. I've been trying to fulfill his fantasies, so that he will only be committed to me, but it only leaves a desire for more in him, it's never enough. I give up,I even told him, I cannot compete with the porn stars, I will never be as young and as attractive but I have taken care of myself at 115 lbs at 5'4" tall, I thought I was pretty attractive, I guess not! He's always finding some sort of fault in me (ie:my breath is bad, I have nose hair, my pussy stinks) these are exuses for him. to justify his habit, I can never be the wife he wants me to be. I'm not sure he can ever find what he wants in a mate. By now it's pretty obvious that I am not needed by my supposed soul mate anymore, what is there left to do? I can not spend the rest of my life alone , I've failed at my marriage. Please help.

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