It feels like my fiance would rather watch porn than have sex with me - EB's story

Submitted by a reader on Thu, 29/07/2010 - 22:42

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My fiancé and I have been together for about 2 years now. We just recently moved in together and I can't seem to shake the feeling that he doesn't really want me in a sexual way any more.

When we didn't live together we met about 3 times a week, and even though we didn't have sex every time (which I was ok with) I felt like he wanted me there. He took the initiative to have sex about 50% of the time.

Now the only times he takes any initiative to sex is when he has a morning boner. I can add that I am extremely tired in the mornings and not really in the mood right then, but I also know that that is the only time I'll get sex without begging him for it later in the day.

Recently I discovered that when I'm off to work he watches a lot of porn and it really feels like he'd rather watch those "perfect" women than have sex with me. I'm incredibly hurt by this and I don't know how I will bring this up with him without accusing him.

I also found his folder on the desktop with a lot of pictures and films a couple a weeks ago. Some of the girls in the photos looks barely 18. I tried to just ignore the whole thing, but every time I had to use the computer I saw the folder and felt hurt and inadequate so I talked with him about it. I asked him if he could move the folder from the desktop to somewhere else where I wouldn't automatically have to see it every time I used the computer. This was no problem, he did ask me if I wanted him to delete the folder alltogether, but since I would rather have him open and truthful about this I said that wasn't necessary, I didn't want him to start to sneak peak.

I don't know what to do. I would be ok with watching porn with him, but that he watches porn as soon as I am away makes me feel like I'm not really good enough for him. I know that the biggest part of this problem for me is my own insecurity, which makes it hard for me to bring this up in a good way without starting to accuse him or maybe start to cry. I don't know what I should do about all this or how I should think?

Hello EB,
You say "it feels like he would rather watch porn and masturbate than have sex with me"..it doesn't feel that way...it was that way.
I was exactly in your shoes for a few years when I moved in with my fiance at that time, husband now ( believe it or not I still married him)
My fiance would be "tired" for me, but never tired for porn every time I wasn't around.
God, when I read your story it was exactly where I was until 7 months ago.
You are not insecure!! Even the highest self esteem would get defeated if your fiance would rather masturbate than make love to you. It took me a long time to realize that it was not my fault, and there was nothing I could do. There is nothing you can do to compete with porn( you know it feels like a competition). So please keep in mind..this is not your fault. You didn't bring this, I bet you he was this way before you met him, with other women too.
So don't beat yourself up. There is hope though. After long years of hurt, my husband finally gave up porn to be with me. Sex is better than ever, I never knew what a high sex drive he had..I thought once a week was all he had..I'm shocked now..we feel more connected..he is a new man..

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Oh and something else..do not feel like your a prude because you feel like porn comes before you. There is nothing wrong with a guy watching porn, if his partners needs are met!!!!! Remember that!! Your partner should be the main source of sexual satisfaction ( along with emotional etc)..not porn.

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Hi EB,

I know how difficult it can be to raise this issue without accusing or cornering him, but you are entitled to have the discussion and let him know exactly how you feel.

And I completely agree with F's advice. Many women are fine with their partners watching some porn in private. But when it's a substitute for sex and intimacy, or becomes a secret habit, there's a problem that needs to be addressed.

I hope he gets the message and responds positively.

And thank you F - you said it.

Jason

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Try to talk to him and tell him how you feel. See what he says. I bet you he is going to say that watching porn is normal and that every guy does, but that he will try to make an effort to make you feel wanted. And chances are he will try.
The problem is though that if he is at the point that he masturbates to porn instead of making love to you, he has a problem. Yes, I said he has a problem. Its not natural that a guy would say no to making love to the person they love for some fake women online.
I know you are doubting yourself sometimes, thinking that you are over reacting, but you are not!! Porn is taking what should be yours, his attention, his time, his sexual needs and fantasies. I am not saying that he shouldn't have his own time and his own fantasies..but your needs deserve to be met by him!!! And by not making enough love to you he is not meeting your needs for attention and affection. Its as clear as that!! He is not making you feel like the woman you deserve to feel like.

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Hello there! How old is your fiance anyway? Well some men are really into porn just for the sake of learning something new when it comes to having a sexual intercourse. Though there are some who are psychologically disturbed with such addiction. How about consult it with a counselor or a psychologist perhaps. Hope you'll relationship will get through this trial.

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Hello,

The first thing I would say is that there is 100% nothing wrong with you, this is NOT your fault and I can totally appreciate why you might feel it is perhaps. I think its vital to raise your concerns with him, especially how it makes you feel, how hurt you feel because you feel him distancing himself from you, the lack of or loss of intimacy, the lack of loving sex and so forth.

Perhaps his behavior also calls into question some of the bedrock which under pins your relationship, how loved you feel or how rejected or neglected or abandoned, issues of trust, honestly and so forth. I think having read carefully what you wrote you must avoid discussing this problem, it needs airing it needs to be brought out into the open. I would echo what others here have also said its HOW its handled how its discussed that's important.

**BUT I would place the emphasis on how his behavior makes you feel. Let him know how sad or upset or rejected it makes you feel. My best wishes too you and I hope the outcome of any discussions will help bring you back closer & bring a renewed sense of loving into your relationship. I hope it can improve the sex between you too!!?

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Must "NOT AVOID" discussing this problem with him (should have read).

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George,

No, he is watching porn to learn something. They have been together for three years, he should know by now what she likes, and unless he is 12 no grown man watch porn to learn and avoid having sex with their partner.
I've been with a lot of guys in my life, almost every single one of them watched porn. Only my husband had a real problem with porn, and a woman can feel that even before finding out about the porn.you feel something is missing, you feel like your not wanted, you just don't know what it is. His actions show that he loves you, he propose to you, gets you a wonderful ring, treats you good etc..but still you feel like he doesn't want you that way. You get frustrated because all guys out there want just sex, and this wonderful guy that really loves you doesn't want to make love to you. Its frustrating!!!
I've come to realize that porn is fine with some people ( Alex and Z,let's not argue about that here ) but some people get way too attached to it, and would rather watch porn and masturbate than have sex. That's when you know that he has a porn problem and something needs to be done.
See girlfriend, this problem will not go away with time, even if you get married. It will never go away if we two both don't work on it. I think its going to get much worse when you have kids too.
So do not think that this is temporary, I kinda left if hanging thinking it would change. You know when my husband really made an effort with it?!? When I was packing my things to move out. All those months I was trying to talk to him and not put him in the spot, there were useless.
Now, don't take me wrong, I'm not saying that you have to go home and pack your things today. I'm just trying to explain that this is a serious matter and it will not go away if you don't do something about it. I bet you he doesn't even know his porn is a problem!!!

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Hi EB,

I agree with the others. You need to have a conversation with your fiance to ensure that he understands how his behaviour is making you feel. At the same time he has an opportunity to explain to you what he's doing - is he using porn to gain temporary escape from problems in his mind, is he exploring sexual fantasies or is it just a tool for faster relief through masturbation?

Your feelings are completely understandable, but remember that he may be feeling similarly to you. He may feel very insecure about his fantasies (and thus be terrified of sharing them for fear of ridicule) or he may be feeling equally unhappy about your sex life. If you go in thinking that you're in a weaker position, you're wrong. You can initiate this conversation from a position of strength - don't feel inferior.

So you're absolutely right to identify the danger of losing control during this confrontation. I suggest you rehearse it many times in your mind. Set yourself the objective of understanding and listening so you are prepared for shocks and appear to him to be very open. If he feels judged he'll clam up.

At the same time, if he does open up and tell you everything, you are entitled to be upset. You can say something like "Thank you for your honesty. Some of the things you've said have upset me for these reasons which I hope you understand. I suggest we both take some time to absorb how the other is feeling before we talk again. But I feel that we've taken a very positive step forwards, together".

Good luck with your discussion.

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Hi F - I just wanted to say how inspirational I found your story. When you said "until 7 months ago" I feared the worst. What a fabulously uplifting outcome. It gives us all hope. Thank you.

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Thank you Nic. My husband really got it together when I was about to leave. Its been since January that he hasn't watched porn. He is a totally different person now, not right after he stopped, gradually though he became this happy person. He used to be miserable..
I know its not over though. And even though he doesn't like to talk about it, I think he knows the "fight" is not over. He still has the filters and the accountability software on all computers.
I feel so bad when guy ( or girs) write here about their problems with porn and how they feel. And I know for a fact that there is hope!! It just takes strong self control and hard work. At the end its worth it.
Now for me..the damanges that all that had to my self esteem will take long to heal but that's a different issue

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I would suggest you tell him that you want to watch porn with him. This might lead to sex, which is I presume is what you want? Suggest to him to not watch porn without you.

You were spot on when you told him it was not necessary to delete the folder, otherwise he might begin hiding his porn.

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I do not think watching porn with him will solve the problem!! See, guys sometimes just look at the obvious, but the problem is not as easy as "lack of sex". The problem is "lack of intimacy"..and believe me having sex while watching porn with somebody that has a porn problem is not good!! Been there, done that!!
Its like going to drink with an alcoholic when your trying to help him to stop drinking.

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This is a good analogy, F. And the answer touches upon the subject in the other thread - that of therapists. For the many therapists who are unfamiliar with porn dependency, this is precisely the kind of advice they might give to a couple in this situation. One is looking at porn, the other doesn't like him looking at porn, the therapist suggests they try it together.

It wouldn't be an unreasonable suggestion if you know the person doesn't have a porn dependency. But ignorance is no excuse. In time there will be an increased awareness of the problem and the sniggers will die down. I remember very clearly the response to Michael Douglas's sex addiction years ago. The similar story from Tiger Woods was met with a little more understanding. One day they might be no stigma at all.

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I read your story and can relate to it. Before my boyfriend and I moved in we would have sex at least 4-5 times a week. I couldnt get him off of me every time we were alone in his room or any where for that matter. When I moved in with him in his parents home to help with financial issues they were having, it seemed as though I had to do all the moves to get him to touch me. I would check the history and there were at least 20 pages of different porn sites he visited while I was asleep. Then when we got our own place the first two weeks he did not sleep in the room with me it seemed he'd "fall asleep" watching tv in the living room. I had to get a tv in the room for him to be in there at night and even then he didn't touch me. I asked him why and he said he was too tired.

We finally installed internet and when he went to work I checked once more the history was full of porn pages. We both used to do exstacy when we would be with friends at parties or when we felt the need to relax. It always led to hours of sex because it enhances sexual drives and it prevents ejaculation. Way better than viagra. I stopped. I had a horrible "trip" when I took a pill and have since been to scared to do it again. Well just last night he took 2 pills and instead of kissing me when I fell asleep I felt him get off the bed and lay on the floor with his laptop and cover my face with the blanket so I couldnt see what he was doing. I was too tired to wake up so in the morning when he went to work there was at least 10 porn videos he watched.

I dont know what to do anymore. It seems like porn is the mistress and I dont know how to talk to him about it without him reminding me how tired he is to have sex and how he has little stamina. I love him very much but this lack of sex is starting to interfere with our relationship. Any advice?

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Everytime I try to talk to my boyfriend about this same exact problem, and by exact I mean to the T, he always says he is too tired or doesn't feel good..... I can't get through to him but the fact that we barely have sex makes me feel like there is something really wrong with me or what I'm doing. My boyfriend is fourteen years older than me and I'm 21, I just want to make love again :( our relationship is so rocky now I'm afraid there is no turning back. I love him so much but I feel that I'm not getting anything out of this relationship anymore. HELP.

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So my boyfriend watches porn, this doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that we use to have sex constantly, and one day it just stopped. My daughter who's one got on his phone and when it lit up it was on a porn site. I was hurt, but not because he was watching porn...because I feel ignored and unwanted. I tried talking to him and he just got angry and said I had no reason to be mad because its just porn and blah blah blah. So I let it go. That's been nearly 9 months ago. Now I'm lucky if we have sex once a week. It makes me angry because he teases me and gets me all worked up for it, then boom. Nothing. So I'm sitting there hot and bothered and he takes his phone into the bathroom and pretends he's taking a crap while he's masterbating. He aparently thinks I'm stupid. It hurts because I know he's not attracted to me anymore and I just feel like there is no hope. We hit a rough spot a few weeks ago, and I was promised things were going to change, but the physical aspect has not. I love him more than anything next to my kids, but nothing gives. When we first got together he use to tell me all of the time how beautiful I was and stuff, and now I never hear it. He makes me feel ugly and unattractive when I know there are a lot of men around that want me. I have no interest in them whatsoever, but it often makes me think what lead to this...I'm always edgy anymore, everything he says as a joke just feels like its another way to bring me down and while I know its just a joke...it hurts a lot. I feel hopeless a lot of the time and while I love being around him, I hate it at the same time. I feel like if I'm not super skinny, or have the body of a porn star (perfect boobs and ass, flat stomach, etc) that I'm not good enough for him. I often think maybe we should consider a break, and I move out but then I think no...it shouldn't be that hard to fix. It shouldn't take something that extreme. When we fight, and we don't do anything for a week, he's all over me nonstop for like 2 or 3 days then its back to once a week and even then, sometimes its just me giving him head and not getting anything out of it in return. Even if he does finger me or eat me out, I'm lucky if I get off once before he's done. I've even contemplated just not giving him sex all together, but I don't think it would bother him. I think he'd just go do his thing again and he'd be like whatever. I'm lost and I don't know how to fix this, or if its even fixable anymore. Sometimes I just wanna throw my hands in the air and give up.

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