I'm humiliated, embarrassed and devastated by my porn addiction - E's story

Submitted by a reader on Tue, 01/12/2009 - 12:13

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I am so desperate that I can't even feel how desperate I am - if you know what I mean. I'm that far gone.

I don't even feel human. It's so painful. I've had a porn problem for 15 years or so and it got much worse a few years ago and became awful about four years ago.

I started dealing with emotions using porn and going to strip joints as an escape rather than for fun in 2000, maybe, then started using porn to deal with stress a LOT a couple of years later. In 2005 I noticed I started to feel shame; I'd never felt that kind of shame before, I always thought it was funny how much porn I looked at. It became, and is, a serious problem and I've, at various times, been sobbing in therapist's offices feeling like I've lost all dignity, asked therapist to punish me if I come in and say I looked at porn, brought it up in group therapy sessions about depression and bisexuality (I'm bisexual - that's enough stress right there).

I feel awful about sex right now - I hate it. I can't possibly imagine any woman I like wanting to be with me if they knew how awful my habit became. The shame of what I've looked at eats at me. It's changed my outlook towards women; it's been ages since I've actually wanted a conversation with a woman that didn't somehow lead to sex. I think about trying to get every woman I meet into bed - and while I used to fantasize about that, I never spent time planning my conversations around it.

I used to be mortified by some of the stuff that would pop up while I was looking for free porn - degrading, horrible images. I would click away and shudder. After a while, I would still find it degrading, and would click away, but I'd go numb. It's like I don't even care anymore that horrible images are on the internet.

I've tried cold turkey, I've tried filters ... it became a game to try and beat the filter ... I've done the "only ten more minutes" ... I've written in journals ... "It's not hurting anyone" I say to myself. And I didn't have many lovers over that last 15 years - no wonder. I think I'm terrified I'm going to try and do some of the stuff I've seen to actual human beings - it's like people in porn are 2-d and I sit there and watch it and it takes me away from reality.

It's a coping mechanism. I haven't liked it in years. I haven't liked sex in over two years. I haven't felt human in two and a half years. I hate it. I don't ever want to feel any worse than I do right now. It's cost me: relationships, healthy sexual experiences, work, my mental health, my dignity, financially ... it's prevented me from getting on with my life regarding other issues ... I'm humiliated, embarrassed and devastated. If I wasn't so depressed I'd cry, but I'm too depressed to even cry, and porn has played such a huge role in this that I can't stand to admit it.

Thank you E for sharing your frustrations here. Facing up to the realities of your habit is a tough ordeal; many guys spend years in various states of denial. It takes guts, motivation and admission that there must be more to life than acting out the same deadening routine. You've stepped up and recognised all of this, and it's important not to discount that.

It's essential not to write off your attempts at quitting too. You've mentioned therapy, group sessions and cold turkey; no matter how much these approaches did or didn't work out, none of them are failures. We do have to work our way out of addiction. For most people, this is a longer-term process requiring many attempts at different strategies. Porn addiction is amotivational - it diminishes our energies and hope. So every action we take is a positive step forward.

You've pinpointed many aspects of your habit: using porn for escapism, avoiding emotions and managing anxiety and stress. You are aware of your increased tolerance for harder material, and how the habit brings on feelings of deep depression. These are very typical elements of porn addiction, and research suggests that around 50% of addicts are clinically depressed. That's a hell of a lot of people.

But with all this realisation and weighing up of personal cost... the balance doesn't seem to tip. You just can't seem to stop watching porn. Despite all the frustration, a small part of you still believes that porn is the answer. How can this be addressed, once and for all? Many guys are asking themselves this very question.

We all need coping mechanisms, and that's never been truer than it is today. There are countless sources of stress and insecurity out there. We need more sophisticated coping skills, but we aren't given any user manual. Addictions and compulsive behaviours take advantage of our unmet needs, and porn can be massively distracting.

As a priority, feelings of shame and guilt need to be dealt with. You are not your addiction; it is an external influence that has impacted you along with millions of other sane, intelligent and responsible people. You opted to watch all that porn for a reason, and beneath all the anxiety and frustration, there will have been some positive intent. Don't go to war with yourself over this.

In defining the intentions behind your habit, I'd suggest a little more work on establishing which essential needs are going unmet. It might be helpful to revisit this with a therapist, or through self-help techniques and research. Both are perfectly valid options for building more appropriate coping skills and finding real emotional nutrition. When our emotional needs are met and balanced, we cannot succumb to addiction.

I also advise developing a strategy for dealing with potential relapse situations in the moment. Never allow a positive feeling towards your habit go unquestioned. When that small voice says "but porn is what you do to deal with stuff", take notice and realise that you don't need to act on the urge. Over time, that voice becomes even smaller as you allow reality to fully sink in. This is the process of change.

I could go on, but I hope this feedback is of some help and I wish you every success.

Hello E,

Gosh!! I can really relate to much to your story, I used to struggle with my own porn habit. I used to feel so numbed out that I existed on a totally separate planet to most people much of the time. Then I realized how isolated & alone & lonely I was and that porn wasn't the answer but it had become yet another part of the problem. i.e. porn made me feel worse about myself not better. Porn used to give me the most terrible migraines that lasted days and for which pain killers wouldn't touch, talk about self inflicted pain!!.

I think you are VERY brave to share your story with us with such heart felt honesty.

**E, I would honestly say this too you, I believe you are a lovely person deep down, you are a lovable person deep down, you are a good person. Just because you have used & viewed porn DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON!! You know what E perhaps you should try to stop beating the shit out of yourself and start to allow yourself some compassion, forgive yourself.

**Whatever, is really at the core (root cause) of your problems the porn is just a way to numb the deeper issues out. Porn is NOT really the real problem the porn is a way to avoid the deeper issues which you haven't yet sorted out. A good one on one therapy relationship can really help you reach those core issues.

**Allowing yourself a distance from using porn can help you get your feet back on the ground (re-grounding yourself) and you need to allow yourself to feel emotions once again, crying or anger or sadness etc are good things to let out. Letting your feelings out will help you put yourself back in contact with your real true self.

**There is a massive paradox with pornography. Which is this, the more we focus on sex, fantasize about sex, wank over fantasy images of others the further away from the reality of sex we travel. The second paradox of porn is that using porn is a sign that we don't really love ourselves enough. We easily forget that the reality of good sex is that it happens between x2 people & that sex is an expression of one persons actual love for another. Porn is driven by lust NOT love, i.e. desire to gain something we think we want but cannot reach or posses in actuality. Porn is driven by & stimulates fantasies but many of these cannot ever become a reality. Even in good couple relationships sexual fantasies are shared on the basis of enormous amounts of trust & love i.e. this is adult sex play and is part of what keeps a relationship alive, its a part of the bonding & intimacy.

**The one thing that porn cannot ever give us is love & intimacy.

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I have this theory regarding using porn, I call it the porn star syndrome. The more we use & view porn the more we search for a person that appears like the model or actress in the porn films or photo's. We look at real women to see how like our sexual fantasies they are & most of the time real women don't match up to those impossible physical proportions. And that means we are either disappointed or when we do see or come into contact with a real beautiful women we see her NOT as she really is but increasingly view her with an emphasis on her sexual attributes. Meaning that we are over aware of her as a sexual object even if the reality is that she is a human being not just a sex object. Porn star syndrome means we view real women as over sexualized which basically means we are not seeing them as a whole person we are only seeing them as if they were like a porn star in a film.

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Hello again,

No.1 Whilst this is just a personal view point I know many people disagree with me. But in my opinion using porn is NOT repeat NOT an addiction as such, not in the medical sense of the use of the word addiction. In my opinion a porn habit is a "compulsion" or an "obsession" it is a repeated or cyclical form of behavior. It has a definite configuration, such as a build up of tension or anxiety, stress or anger etc, he use of the porn itself, the release and the come down afterwards.

No.2 Using porn is actually a personal choice, YES! OK I accept that it may be a very unconscious choice or a choice made very deep down, but it is a choice at some level. If you use porn you are NOT a victim of the porn, you are not powerless to make a different choice. A choice to behave differently.

**Addiction tends to place the emphasis on being a powerless victim and therefore not responsible for the habit or pattern of using porn. I totally disagree with the addiction victim mentality of porn usage.

No.3 If you think about using porn as something that I am highly vulnerable to, and the surrounded by on the Internet (very easy direct access to those kinds of images) then it should be possible to make different choices. Choices that avoid & give a distance from porn and this is a helpful process, the more you can avoid porn the better it is. Eventually seeing less and less porn gives you the chances to let go of porn dependency.

No.4 Using porn should be viewed & thought of in a wider context. Meaning we should all try & realize that porn is a business and the porn industry (the biggest & most profitable on the planet) aims to make a profit from exploiting our emotional sexual vulnerabilities. Meaning the porn industry always tries to take advantage of us to make money. Its a business simple as that.

No.5 We should also try and see that using porn is No! better and certainly No! worse than using illegal drugs like cannabis, ecstasy, or drinking alcohol. And in the same way that people like to have a couple of drinks alcohol can be used to get totally blathered. Well porn should be thought of in a similar way, viewing the odd image cannot said to be dangerous. However, the danger arises when porn becomes an obsession, i.e. we overdose on porn.

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E you have shown a lot of honesty by writing this and I truly respect that. As Jason said it takes real guts to let go of your safety blanket, you porn coping mechanism.

Now don't take this the wrong way, but one thing from your message that stands out to me is guilt, shame and maybe even wallowing in your despair. I've been here too and I know how depressing this habit/addiction is. I also realised that the guilt is addictive aswell. I got into the habit of continually telling myself how weak and desperate I was and it creates a vicious circle effect. Every time I deleted my porn files off my computer (which was several times a week before downloading porn again - silly routine) it felt like a fresh start. I was kidding myself that I was cleaning up my act to numb the feelings of guilt.

Have you ever heard the The The song "This is the day?". It's about a guy who wakes up every morning and says "This is the day my life will surely change". And of course it doesn't, because he just says it but does nothing more. It's a song about getting by on hope alone, and wallowing in regret and shame the rest of the time. That was me, and I wonder whether it's you aswell?

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oh I forgot to say

hi Alex, your words make a lot of sense as usual. Porn Star Syndrome sums it up very well

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Yeah, Duncan - getting by on hope alone - it can sustain someone for a while and then something's gotta give. That's what happened to me. I hoped a better future would land in my lap and I'd be healed and happy. Yeah, that's really how it works - in the movies, maybe. Unfortunately, I have had depression since 1994, maybe earlier, and it wears me down and my habits made it worse. I have noticed in the last ten days, I feel better when I do something healthy, like yoga. I may have been using porn and other destructive behaviours to feel miserable on purpose, so I could at least feel something. Depression is very numbing.

I want to have a career and a partner one day, maybe even a kid, so I feel at 36 years old, perhaps it's time to put effort into healing rather than simply surviving.

I hate porn right now. I don't have a problem with it being legal, or people enjoying it if they want to.

I don't know if it's an addiction - it certainly changed my brain chemistry so maybe it is. It's a compulsion for sure.

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Hello E,

If you have a history of depression in the ongoing sense of recurring depression then to be honest with you, I think porn is the last thing you need or should be doing (yes! easy to say harder to realize). Why? if you are already in a depressive state then porn will a) only prolong the depression b) will make you more numbed out and c) even further away & more disconnected from your feelings. d) it could possibly make the depression even worse?

**If your depressed porn is 100% NOT going to help one bit in my opinion. YES! I've been depressed myself so I can sympathize with you a great deal.

**Healing is what is required not pouring petrol on the fire so too speak.

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Alex,

Yeah, I have a history of depression. It is very draining on my energy, so I spend a lot of time alone, and I don't mind that because I like reading and writing etc. but it's very hard to meet people and get comfortable around them because being around people means being emotional and I get frustrated a lot because depression blocks out emotion. Of course, the more time spent alone, the easier it is to escape into porn, which then for me makes me more depressed, which makes me want to be alone even more, more porn, more time alone, even more porn, etc.

I most definitely wish for a healthier future, and reduced depression, so, yeah, not looking at porn is a good idea, extremely good.

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Hey Alex,

Re: your "porn star syndrome" theory--I think that might hold true for a lot of porn addicts, but I also think there are also a lot of addicts who wind up sexualizing *all* women to the point that they become a lot *less* picky. I think I've mentioned this before, but something that made absolutely no sense to me in dealing with my husband's addiction is that he mainly watched amateur porn, which featured "real" women, many of whom were rather unattractive by conventional standards--they looked nothing like what most people think of when they conjure the image of a porn star. Also, he was not in the least bit picky when it came to staring at women on the street--I was constantly baffled by the fact that he'd look at women who certainly wouldn't be winning any modeling contests. There was no rhyme or reason to his attractions, which I think goes to show that porn addiction, after a while, has little to do with sex or attraction, but more to do with getting a fix, wherever it's available.

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Hi Margaux,

YES! Thats because such staring & looking at these women in the street having NOTHING!! repeat NOTHING to do with attraction but the opposite of attraction which is a process of projection. We "project" onto others (like on a TV screen or cinema screen) the very feelings we have denied ourselves i.e. repressed things such as our lust for example. The very feelings we have denied our conscious self however don't go away they live on inside our psyche's such emotions remain alive within our shadow self and this is partly were our lust comes from, it is were our porn habit comes from. It IS the very source of our porn habit to start with i.e. repressed feelings.

**NOTE:- we project onto others those feelings & emotions we find most unacceptable in ourselves. Those unacceptable feelings get repressed, so the feelings come out side ways in the form of projection. Thus my anger gets repressed (denied) so if I am not careful its always the OTHER person who is angry not me. However, the truth is the sheer opposite!!. Its only that I'm NOT conscious of my actual anger because I've projected it onto someone else. The same also applies to sexual feelings & lust,etc.

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Interesting comment, Alex, about projection. I sometimes think it's an overused phrase; sometimes the other person IS angry. We can't read their inner thoughts. However, a lot of times it's accurate. For me with the porn, I became so out of touch that I thought every woman I saw would have sex with me, right then and there, if we could find a private spot, and all I had to do was ask. It was ridiculous. I knew enough not to ask or try it, but my ego was telling me "oh, yeah, you could be having sex with her in five minutes, you just gotta go up and tell her what you want, and she wants the same thing, just like in porn, because all women want what is in porn, and so do I." I feel like a failure when I see a hot woman and I'm not having sex with her in five minutes. I feel shame. It's not what I truly believe, but my ego just bashes away at me, saying E, you're just a chicken. All guys do this, they all get laid all the time, it's only you. Porn skewed my view of men and male sexuality as well.

Bleagh.

Talk about an embarrassing, damaging, belief system, I became totally unable to relax and simply enjoy being myself (whatever that is) around a woman, and enjoy her for her, I'm too tense to enjoy her for her. Stupid effin porn. What a waste. It's sad what I have done to myself.

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Hello E,

I think you make a VERY relevant & most fascinating comments in your reply, which is apart from the projection that happens. There is our EGO self importance (ego trip) thats involved. Its also the power of the ego that is affected by continous or repeated use of porn. You do know with your rational brain that real women & real relationships DONT function like they do in porn films. Hence the male fantasy of sex in less than 5mins with a HOT total stranger you just met or just asked. But you are intelligent enough to see the difference between porn movie fantasy scenarios & the completely different reality of real life when faced with a real flesh & blood women.

**I can recall my own utter naivety when it comes to women. Many years ago on my way to work I saw a young very attractive women I fanced the look of. And eventually I took all my courage to go up and ask her out & tell her how I felt. But I got the shock of my life as when she spoke she turned out to be utterly different & not what I expected her to be and even more upsetting I discovered she didnt feel the same as I had naively felt towards her. The whole thing came as a rude awakening & a lesson in that just because you feel some way towards another person it doesn't mean they automatically feel exactly the same back. My expectations were pretty silly & completely naive but it was a rather painful let down and also a very powerful life lesson. One which I have never forgotton to this day, that young women gave me a real gift all be it a painful one. Expectations are not the same as realities, how could they be.

**I now enjoy my sexual fantasies but I have absolutely no desire to share them & no desire to attempt to live them out. Trying to turn your fantasies into living realities is a path that can only ever lead to disappointment IMO.

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Yeah, about the ego - I interacted (flirted) with real, live, flesh and blood women this weekend and didn't feel nearly as bad. I haven't look at porn since I wrote my first post, so about two weeks. I didn't feel anger or hostility and I did feel uncomfortable and not myself, but certainly more grounded. I know two weeks isn't much, but it is a start and if I keep feeling better I hope I can develop the strength to keep being disciplined. A few months ago I think my ego was raging and if I flirted and didn't end up sleeping with a woman I didn't understand why not. I mean, it happens in porn, right? Why doesn't it work that way at the coffee shop? Or at dinner? Bleagh. That's where my mind was and I'm struggling to get it to work in a way that is reasonably close to reality.

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Hello E,

I find the more I can get some distance (space) from porn the better I feel and the more orientated towards real life I get. And the more I avoid porn in any form the happier I start to feel about myself as a man & as a person. Avoiding porn is helpful in keeping me grounded and you know what (surprise surprise!!) the more I avoid porn the less & less I think about sex & porn, the less my ego is caught up in all that fantasy mind games non sense too.

I use OpenDNS which offers a free internet content filtering service. I have it set up to block various catagories of websites & web page content. This includes porn of course and a number of other subjects. I find OpenDNS helpful in keeping me away from porn, even if I wanted to view porn sites it stops me. OpenDNS is like having a safety net it catches you when stray from the straight & narrow as it were. I can relax when using the internet because I know I'm not going to end up on some porn site all over again.

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Alex, I signed up for OpenDNS. I recommend this to anyone reading posts on this site. I haven't looked at porn in 22 days - but this weekend started to feel urges, and I got to a point where I was saying to myself, "Oh, I'll just look at one porn star in particular. I won't go randomly surfing. Just the one." I started to do a search and OpenDNS blocked the site; I thought about turning off the blocking filter, but instead I turned off my computer. The next day I felt very relieved. I would have been miserably depressed if I had looked at any porn.

The urge started when I looked at pictures of Tiger Woods' mistresses. Then I wanted to look at topless pictures. Then I wanted to see one of the porn stars I looked at a lot before, and the urges were getting stronger. I knew I was in trouble, but I kept going. Thankfully, I realized that to turn off the filter would have meant my hard work over the previous two weeks would have been for nothing, so I just went to bed.

I'll pretty much use any tool that makes sense to me right now because I really want to get better.

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Oh, and for anyone interested, OpenDNS is free. They do have more sophisticated stuff available to buy but the basic filter is free.

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