I'm hooked on the fantasy, anonymity and risks of cybersex - EN's story

Submitted by a reader on Sun, 12/09/2010 - 21:42

a reader's picture

I don't know where to start really. The internet and porn has been the overwhelming part of my life for nearly 15 years. I am 39. I don't even know where I am on this site, writing this blog, but I've been online with porn now for nearly three days without any break and I think I'm at my own breaking point.

Some background:

I found porn at work. Not just surfing for photos and stuff like that but chatting. Online chat rooms is my thing. Doing that, chatting about sexual fantasies, exploring new things, new people, no restrictions. Wow.

I've spent most of this time online pretending to be a variety of females. I've had at least a dozen different online persona. I realise this means that chatting and cybering has been with me and other men, but at the time, I am the other person, I am the character. That is how deep it is. I log on and become the other person.

That is why I can't lose it. I've spent the most part of the last however many years, pretending to be someone different on line.

Over the last 2 years though things have changed. I've found another chat site where I can be myself. Kind of. On this site, I am me, a husband, married to an amazing wife, but I talk to other men, strangers, about my wife. She had an affair a long time ago. It was my fault and I've got no problem admitting it. However, when I am chatting about her, I post photos of her to the chatroom or to the other person I am chatting with and they then blackmail me about the photos or just post them anyway so that everyone in the chat room can see my wife. The photos of my wife are explicit and intimate.

Everytime I do it, I get the biggest sexual rush of my life (apart from when I am actually with my wife, although that doesn't stop me doing it for some reason). Afterwards though, I hate myself, I think of my job, my family, my kids, my life, what kind of father and parent I am. I hate it. The guilt makes me want to go away and be by myself, to stop inflicting this on my wife. I'm struggling with work, struggling to motivate myself, things are stacking up and not being done. I'm shying away from taking decisions. All I want to do is sit online, chatting about my wife and other things. I sit there, doing it, knowing it's stupid, a waster of time and destructive, but it doesn't stop me. I've been doing it so long, I'm scared I'm going to be doing it for ever and that when I am alone, without a job, family or friends, it will be all I have.

I've tried to talk to others about it, but never really had the guts to talk about it fully and properly. I've also never found anyone that understands what I am thinking. I've spent all this time thinking I am alone, the only person going through this. I really need help. Is there anyone who can help me? I really need help.

Thanks for reading.

Hi EN,

Thanks for sharing your experiences here.
The anonymity of chatrooms and cybersex gives us the opportunity to explore fantasies, and many readers here will remember their 'wow' moment of discovery. We never had this opportunity or freedom prior to the internet.

If our sexual fantasies are a response to long-standing guilt or shame, acting them out online can become compulsive. It feels like a double benefit; we get the rush of indulging in the fantasy with others, and temporary relief from the insecurities of our real lives. But just like any compulsive behaviour, the resentment and frustration of comedown is never far away.

Often when people act out fantasies of taking a different gender role or inviting blackmail and humiliation, deeper feelings of guilt are at work. No matter how wretched the habit makes us feel afterwards, it has some positive intent; an attempt to numb ourselves from bad feelings and set a scenario where we can fully enjoy sex.

You may find it helpful to explore whether any of the above applies to you, and talking things through with a therapist or counsellor is a good starting point. Please don't think that you are the only one with this problem - you really are not alone, and there are ways out of it.

Please feel welcome to discuss further here, and I wish you every success in finding help and moving forward.

reply

Hello,

I've never used internet chat rooms nor ever wanted to act out my sexual fantasies with anyone else really. However, what I have noticed is that my main (core, central) sexual fantasies never ever really changed in nature even over a long peroid of time. And these fantasies remained the same (constant) even when I was using & consuming a lot of porn.

This may just be me I'm not sure? but I do know that our sexual fantasies do hold a key to learning something vital about ourselves it is possible to unlocking numerous insights into ourselves & our behaviour. Every sexual fantasy can teach us something about ourselves if we are willing to explore them. I agree with Jason the help, support of a good counselor or therapist can be extremely useful and might help you release yourself from these patterns of acting out & feelings of guilt & shame.

reply

As a wife..this is a marriage breaker. I know we are supposed to understand what people are going through here..but this is unacceptable. You are breaking your wife's trust and the marriage bond in so many ways. I don't want to sound harsh, but where do you find the right to post pictures of your wife without her consent?? What gives you that right?? That ring that you got for her?? That ring is a symbol of trust and care. And you don't deserve to be a husband, I'm sorry!!! She should know and divorce your ass, and take the kids away from a pervert like you!!

reply

Jason i have just kicked my partner out for similar actions although they do not involve me or photos of me. he is constantly watching porn on the internet, having text sex and cyber sex....with randoms and also with people he has brief relationships with. it has ruined us. However I am realising that these actions and they lying accompanying them are related to an addiction that runs very deep. He is seeing a counsellor next week but i am finding it very difficult to find help and support in dealing with this.
Do i just ditch him and move on or do i stand in the sidelines and support him through the therapy?
it is a very very difficult situation to be in.
My advise to you is to seek help NOW before your wife doe find out as it will ruin your life.

reply

Post new comment

Drupal theme by Kiwi Themes.