If he's not addicted to porn, why does he still do it? - R's story

I am trying to type this through tears of sadness, anger, frustration, you name it.

We have been together almost 7 years, married for 2. When I moved in with him after only 6 months together, I found a stash of porn stories he had printed off the internet in his loft, but he was happy to throw them away. I didn't think it was a big deal as I thought he'd been enjoying it whilst he was single.

Our sex life was great at the beginning, very active and enjoyable for both. Then I had a bad experience at work and suffered a nervous breakdown. Consequently, my self-esteem went out of the window and so did our sex life. I was off work and on anti-depressants for 6 months. It was really tough for both of us, but he was so patient, so loving and supportive, I felt so lucky to have him.

Unfortunately our sex life never quite recovered and I know this frustrates him. It's getting better now, but it's taken a long time to get here.

Last year I found a collection of pornographic files in his computer, and saw he'd be looking at a large number of pornographic sites by looking at his browsing history. One of the problems I had at work was having to report 4 managers for circulating pornographic emails. I despised these men, they made my life a misery whilst I was working there. To think that my husband has this "hobby" in common with these men made me sick (still does).

I found it deeply upsetting and blamed myself for not giving him enough sex to keep him satisfied. We went to couple's counselling to work through these issues.

From the sessions with the counsellor I understand that it's got nothing to do with me and he still loves me and it's not that he's thinking of cheating on me or anything like that. He says he's enjoyed pornography since he was a teenager, but doesn't consider it an addiction because it's not affecting other areas of his life. But it is affecting me. He knows this from private conversations and from the conversations we had with the counsellor.  He understands that the knowledge that he's looking at these women, who are half my age and gorgeous, puts yet another nail on the coffin of my self-esteem. I feel old, ugly, and inadequate, both as a woman and a wife.

We emigrated Down Under 6 months ago and I've felt much happier since, this has had a positive effect on my mood and we've been having sex more regularly since then. When I'm not in the mood, I try to do things "just for him", as it makes me happy to make him happy. This was the case last night and the night before.

So when I found this evening that he'd been looking at porn for a whole hour this morning (he works as a computer programmer from home so he's always at the computer), I felt sick and betrayed. A quick look at the browsing history revealed he's done it a few times recently. So now I can't use the "not enough sex" excuse to try and understand why he does it.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so let down. During the counselling sessions he said he doesn't feel he's addicted, he said he'd been looking at the sites "just because he was bored". If he's not addicted, then I feel like he doesn't care about how it makes me feel, he obviously cares more about getting a kick out of looking at these sites than he cares about the lasting damage he's doing to me.

He's currently out at a concert but due back any moment. I have been crying my eyes out all evening and feel really low. I have no one to talk to and feel miserably lonely. I almost feel like he knows he can get away with it because I've got nowhere to go. I am currently financially dependant on him and my residency in this country is also dependant on him, if the relationship breaks up I'd probably have to leave the country and I don't want to. I wonder if he uses this knowledge to his advantage, even if he doesn't do it consciously.

I'm sorry this is so long and probably not that well written, I am finding it so hard to put my feelings into words. Many thanks for reading and many thanks for your website, I guess I can draw a little comfort from knowing I am not alone, but it is still so very, very hard.

Thank you R for sharing your experiences here.

Firstly, I'd really like to echo the fact that his porn habit isn't a reaction to you. Through the counselling sessions, you have both been able to make this essential realisation. So now that he is fully aware of how you feel about all of this, should he react by quitting the habit?

Like so many guys, it's clear that his relationship with porn goes right back to his teens. Over the years, he's become accustomed to turning to porn for a distracting 'buzz'. And his computer work, in the privacy of his own home, means that porn is always just a few convenient mouse clicks away.

We can't guess whether he has a compulsive appetite for porn. If his habit really doesn't appear eat in to his time, productivity, attitude or capacity for intimacy, his habit may be more of an 'occasional experience' that fluctuates from time to time. His take on things may well be honest and correct.

In this respect, I'm reminded of a recent feministing.com advice column:

It is very hard to change a person's behavior around porn and I think your best chance is to find a compromise [....] You may need to find a place of least discomfort instead of striving for perfect comfort.

Your self-esteem - this one comes down to you. Your husband cannot rebuild it, only you can. He has chosen you, you have chosen him. He sees other beautiful women every day, you see other beautiful women. You still want each other. You are still worth having.

If, on the other hand, he exhibits irrational mood swings, withdrawal from your relationship or any kind of 'power trip' games, it's possible that his relationship with porn is more insidious. In this case, no form of 'porn compromise' could help either of you in the long term. Painfully, your best option may be to move on from him.

Your attitude towards porn, and the events that exacerbated your distaste for it, is a factor too.

All of this leads me to suggest that you both try to positively build on the open rapport that you have already achieved. He needs to fully understand that his habit continues to cause you profound distress and insecurity. This will help pre-empt the potential for power plays, or him taking advantage of the current circumstances.

If you don't recognise signs of a damaging 'addiction', it may be possible for you to discuss potential boundaries of tolerable behaviour. Again, he needs to appreciate your feelings towards porn, and the impact of the unpleasant events at your workplace, even if he doesn't subscribe to the same outlook. This is essential for any form of compromise to produce an environment of least discomfort for you.