I wish I could start life again - GK's story

Submitted by a reader on Sun, 15/03/2009 - 19:46

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GK explains the origins of his porn habit, and its ongoing impact on his relationship, career and self-esteem:

I am devoted Christian and a church minister with a strong addiction for women with big boobs.

I married the girl of my first courtship, 12 years ago. I had observed that she didn't have big boobs as I wanted but after much prayers and believing that they were still growing, I married her! Later on after our first kid, they disappeared completely. Now, I have sex with her while covered for there is nothing to see or feel. This really switches me off.

I have attempted to run away and start another life but I always remember my vows and my strong Christian faith and followers. I also love my two kids so much. To console myself, I turned to porn for huge boobs and masturbation. Every encounter leaves me so disturbed and I always delete all pictures or videos with a promise never to do it again. Yet in a week I am back.

I still have sex with my wife normally, though during that time my mind is on such as such a woman with big boobs. I wish I could start life again without hurting her or my kids or my Christian relations. My career is adversely affected and I am not able to concentrate. I need to quit or know the way out. Please help. GK

Of course, there's nothing wrong with having a preference for big boobs. We all have our private dreams and fantasies; it's part of our healthy sexuality. More often than not, our real world relationships and experiences don't live up to our fantasies; but that's no reason to deny or feel bad for having them.

Since internet porn, forums and chatrooms came along, our sexual dreams don't seem so remote; whatever erotic whim floats into our imaginations, it can be before our eyes with just a few clicks of the mouse. And for many, this can be a liberating and horizon-broadening resource. Whatever floats your boat, there'll be an online community to share the fantasy.

But routinely floating our boats online can lead to problems. For many people, pleasurable fantasies somehow evolve into porn-fuelled obsessions. Porn is just so convenient, accessible and apparently endless. The fantasy pursuit becomes part of our daily routines, and before we know it, our only source of gratification.

Regardless of porn, there'll be times when we might wish that our wives or partners fitted our sexual ideal. Our eyes might wander now and again. But when we're locked into porn obsession, objectifying becomes almost a permanent state of mind. So when our real life partners are before us, we can't shut out the artificially stimulated feelings of disappointment, regret and even resentment that our partner doesn't fit some fantasy ideal. Before long, our real intimate relationships begin to wither and die.

Recovering from this situation requires some reversal of the process. And just as our habit evolved over time, it's essential to recognise that recovery is an ongoing process that requires commitment and a fair degree of patience.

For starters, you need to cut out the porn. Rather than any cold-turkey regime, I'd recommend a structured recovery plan; I promote my own plan on this site and there are plenty of other resources to help.

Deep feelings of guilt and regret inevitably come part-and-parcel of all this, but such feelings can keep us locked into porn habits and rituals. Try to adopt a forward-looking outlook. Agree with yourself that guilt has done it's job - it has caused you to research the problem and seek advice. Now give yourself permission to let go of guilt, and start making those positive steps forward.

Thanks GK for sharing your story, and I wish you every success.

Jason, I'm hoping you can explain something to me. Here in this post, the man is lamenting the fact that his wife doesn't live up to these "physically superior" porn stars. And you bring up the point that this is a typical lament for many porn addicts. However, my husband's porn addiction doesn't seem to comply with "the norm."

At the risk of sounding horribly arrogant, I'll say this: I am a very attractive woman. I'm blonde, thin and physically fit. People often refer to me as a "Barbie doll," though I'm not fake-looking or overly made up. I just have that sort of "skinny blonde" look. When we first got together, we also had a red hot sex life, so there weren't any problems there for a while either.

However, my husband looks at porn that features women who are average at best--skanky amateurs with very ho-hum natural bodies. These women could be anyone you see on the street, at the coffee shop, at the mall. The vast majority of them do not even come close to being as attractive as I am. And here's where it gets weirder: None of them share a specific physical characteristic (it's not that he likes a different sort of breasts than what I have, for example), nor does the porn feature a particular sex act that I refuse to engage in. Also, he's sexually anorexic--he refuses to have sex with me and now only masturbates to porn.

So how do you explain this? He watches average women engaging in run-of-the-mill sex, and refuses to have sex with his very attractive wife.

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Maybe he feels threatened ,too vulnerable...withholding affection...out of fear...fear to be seen as he is vulnerable,needy with a real live woman...porn doesn't react, doesn't demand ,doesn't yell or nag....I know..its not real...temporary,fix high...for relief,sexualize our problems for relief.Porn addicts the imagery to the chemicals in your brain like a drug

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Hi Margaux,

Thanks for raising a very valid point. I'd say that this situation can arise for a number of reasons, and common scenarios include:

1) The attachment to porn develops long before a wife or partner comes along. Sexual adventures with a new partner are sufficient to keep his old habit at bay, but it resurfaces sooner or later. For some reason, he's unable to move on from the solitary pursuit of porn and fully embrace genuine intimacy. It's no reflection on the attractiveness or appeal of his partner; the real reason lies elsewhere.

2) Guys who reach a point where their preoccupation with some fantasy or fetish overrides their appreciation of reality. It's likely that this applies to GK's story above, where his resorting to porn has exacerbated the fantasy to a point where it becomes a full-time obsession.

3) Porn usually provides a form of escapism, whether it's from fear of intimacy, emotional immaturity, performance anxiety or a desperate need for control. Again, the attractiveness of his real-world partner becomes almost immaterial.

Clearly, there's a lot of potential for these scenarios to overlap too.

In a way, it's a problem of out-of-kilter perspective. For all these reasons, men become oblivious to the charms that attracted them to their partners in the first place. In these scenarios, men elude themselves of the obvious benefits of a close, loving and beautiful partner who appreciates them for who they are.

So the real lament is that their obsession has mushroomed and taken over their lives. The problem has grown way beyond a niggle about small boobs or penchant for fantasy. For a guy in recovery, fully taking account of this is an essential first step to exploring the underlying reasons.

I fear I may have waffled a bit here... hopefully this is some explanation?

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Thanks so much for your response, Jason--it was perfect, and you verbalized some of the things I've known intuitively, but have never had someone validate. This really spoke to me: "In a way, it’s a problem of out-of-kilter perspective. For all these reasons, men become oblivious to the charms that attracted them to their partners in the first place."

Since the porn invaded our relationship (and, yes, it was around long before I came along but I think the sex in our relationship served as a substitute for the porn during those first few months), I've often said that my husband just doesn't "see me." Not just in terms of appreciating me physically, but in terms of just seeing me for who I am and what I have to offer. We're separated now, and all of his friends and family think he's insane (which, because he's in active addiction, is true) because he's doing nothing to recover from his addiction or win me back. They're incredulous as to how he could give me and our marriage up. But, in the throes of addiction, he simply does not care--our marriage has no meaning and he's completely unfeeling towards me.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this to show--especially to other partners who might be reading--that there's truth to what you're saying. Also, I have one more tough question: Any idea why this happens--why everything that has meaning for a non-addicted person (especially one's partner and marriage) means nothing to someone addicted to porn?

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Hi Margaux,

I'm really pleased that this helps to explain a few things.

When a husband or boyfriend struggles with any form of addiction or compulsive behaviour, there are so many factors that conspire to break down his relationship: denial, emotional and physical isolation, mood swings, exhaustion... the list goes on.

And if that's not problematic enough, porn obsession can add another layer of distress: erotic delusions, sexual dysfunction and actual resentment towards intimacy.

Relationships can also descend into victim/persecutor roles. He will sometimes resort to playing victim or rebel, and partners find themselves forced into the 'porn police' or 'angry parent' role.

I think your mention of 'meaning' is spot on - things can reach the stage where he's attached so much meaning to his porn relationship, nothing else can compete. Suffice to say that reversal of this process presents a considerable challenge, requiring his full acceptance and motivation to change.

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