I need to heal from porn addiction - LE's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 09/08/2010 - 21:23

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I've masturbated to the point where I’ve caused blisters and scabs to form over areas of my penis and to the point where my hand is numb with pain.

I masturbate even when it hurts too and of late, this is a constant thing. You know when you cut yourself and a scab forms and after a couple of weeks it recedes - I've had the same scabs on my penis for almost 6 years . I haven't given it enough time to heal because of my compulsive habit. I know, that’s disgusting right? No wonder why I get heart-stopping, intensive waves of self-repulsion and futility on a daily basis.

So along with the mental pain of masturbation I feel the dull, uncomfortable sometimes crippling pain of my body telling me that I need to stop.

I realised that even if I get a girlfriend, and not to be detrimental, I cannot do the things I watch with her. And this is due to my self-inflicted maiming. There was a pretty girl at my university who I fancied for over 2 years, I never had the balls to talk to her until one night my (old) friends gave me a surprise birthday party. Things got steamy with her until I found myself outside her front door, she pulling me in. I realised that I could go no further – this could not happen. I couldn’t put her through this. Even if she decided to go through with it, my crippled manhood would be uncomfortable and painful for the both of us. I told her “not tonight.” We decided to schedule a date the following week but I couldn’t go through with this also, telling myself that how will I ever please her in the future with my scab infested manhood? She is now in a loving 3-year relationship with another guy and I know him personally, he is a very cool person.

Its like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I watched these things because I thought I could never do it in reality but now I physically cannot because of this self inflicted injury.

The thing is even with this terrible addiction I've got to a good place academically and achieved things at 21 that people a lot older than me are still working towards - but I still feel hollow. Because of porn I’ve become clueless about many things in life preferring to stay at home, work and watch explicit material.

Of late I am so unconfident and shy that I now make women on the street or who sit next to me on the bus feel uncomfortable. They can pick up on my insecure vibes. People at work are really unsure of me, thinking that I'm some sort of serial killer. It’s getting to a point that I’ve lost confidence in my skills that landed me this current job. My head director told me that I am very talented, in fact he decided to move his desk next to mine just to see how I create what I create and get to know me as a person - but my timid and crippled personality has made this episode a very uncomfortable ordeal.

I now find women intimidating, which is paradoxical; the people that mean the most to me are female and this is probably where most of my shame and guilt arises from. I treat women like objects but supposedly I love my sister and mother.

In spite of this I still have my life ahead of me, my career is going from strength to strength but I think this is the turning point. If I don't tackle this now all that I’ve worked for will slowly ebb away. It’s like a heroin addiction; the pain of the syringe is mirrored in the pain of those scabs… then ecstasy... then the period of weakness and lethargy. It’s getting harder to learn new skills because of this zombie like state I fall into after masturbating.

Don't get me wrong - I have tried to give up but as the rest of you guys here, I’ve relapsed. However, this time I hope it will be different. I've finally told a male relative and he took it well and wants to help me out (though I haven't told him the full physical repercussion of this habit). Also I’ve began to delete my extensive porn library which is a lot harder that I thought; the library is like a symbol of all the hours I put into porn, which I could have used to do other non-destructive activities. So I guess I’ll give it another try and see what happens.

Hi LE,

You may have heard of 'boundary behaviours'. When trying to address compulsive behaviours and particularly the 'habit', we can identify three types of activities - those that are safe (won't trigger the habit), those that are dangerous triggers and everything in between (be cautious). For some with porn dependency it's ok to continue to masturbate, but with you I would suggest it's an activity that is making you worse. So much of your story comes back to the physical pain on your penis that you have to let it heal. It's tough, yes, but your focus needs to be on stopping masturbation as much as stopping porn.

The other point I want to make is that your relapse is not failure. Increasingly, psychologists are recognising this. The traditional thinking is that relapse is 'back to square one', but we are now realising that relapse is often an inevitable and very helpful part of recovery. Every time you relapse you learn a little more about your triggers.

One psychologist described it like a bus journey. When you relapse you get on the bus which will eventually drive you back to square one, but there are plenty of stops in between. In other words, when you relapse, wait for the next opportunity to stop again and you'll find you've retained most of the progress you made before. If you think "oh I've relapsed, I'll never succeed" it's like letting the bus drive you all the way back.

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Hello,

I dont know if this may be interest to you, I have just completed writing a guide for those people who are trying to find ways to heal & to overcome their problematic consumption of online porn.

http://www.ebooks.myzen.co.uk/index.html

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Hello LE,

YES! I can relate to your story in many many ways. I used to be similar to you, I had a compulsive masturbatory habit too but eventually I got over this & came to terms with things.

What I would say to you is that you appear to have a great deal of inner emotional pain & distress (deep down) that you are not looking at?. To me the compulsive masturbation is really a means to try & gain some sort of comfort. But we both know this doesn't actually work it only results in more pain, this time physical pain to your penis. This is highly symbolic your penis which should be a source of pleasure has become a source of yet more pain. You have to try to stop turning ALL your pain inwards against yourself because this is what you are doing in effect. You are turning what should be expressed outwards (released) your feelings inwards against yourself i.e. you are beating yourself up!! this behavior is called Masochism.

**NOTE:- YES! the porn will leave you numbed out just like an aesthetic drug, it will hinder your ability to function well both in your studies or at work (career), and yes! if you continue to use porn in this way you will ALWAYS! find women very intimidating precisely because you are objectifying them. You wont be seeing them clearly as full real human beings. You wont be able to get close to them, you will loose out on your intimacy needs as you have done already.

**On a positive note: You have made a good start by sharing your story & I found it very moving & very touching as it reminds me of where I used to be many years ago. I really wish you much success in over coming your porn habit, its a very challenging thing to do but I am myself proof that it can be done. That you have shared your story with someone you know & trust that's extremely good, that you have made efforts to get free from your porn stash that's a very positive move too.

**I found counseling & therapy very very helpful in my own healing experience.

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LE,

The Good thing is that you've realized this pretty early on in your life, at 21 years, to go through all this and to bring it all out in Public Domain itself is a commendable effort.

The Great thing is you've already broken ground on this compulsive pattern and have already started putting steps in place, which many, if not ,most of us have delayed or would have delayed otherwise.

It does seem though that yes, the intensity of your compulsive routine is very strong, going by what you've mentioned, but on the flip side it's made you aware because you've reached a point where you know that it's hurting, and it's only because you're obsessed or habituated that you're finding it hard to let go.

Most of us at older ages than you, I'm older by a few years to you, have probably not even spoken to anyone about this problem until we know we've reached a point where we simply had to. For you that moment has already come now, so in a sense it makes you aware and with the right steps that you're taking you can probably imagine yourself free from this pattern in maybe 1-2 years, which again, given the average age and intensity associated with this problem with most people, will be a a good achievement, pretty well achieved I'd say.

All of us, as most would testify on this blog, have gone through the stages of deleting or disposing our stash of explicit material, some others have installed "Filters", visited therapists, gone in for counselling, untimately it's all towards beating the problem.

The very fact that someone has agreed to help you out, means that relative understand the problem, and believe, to speak to that relative and get him to agree itself is a Big Leap, I'd say make the most of it.

It's hard to delete Porn stash, knowing how much "Wasted Time","Wasted Money and "Wasted Effort" you've spent on collecting it, and Indeed it is harder than it seems, especially after you've seen it all time and again and made it a Stimulant, however this is a Challenge, and it's upto us to counter this. Everyone will agree that it is the First step towards Distancing yourself away from Porn, it creating an environment which is relatively "Porn Free".

At your age and going by what you say, I can see that you certainly have many talents, and if you're boss says it, surely, he must have seen something. I was obsessed with porn, but I realized, and most will vouch that sheer "Will Power" will not help, so I took up other more fruitful activities such as Singing etc, by joining a group.

I can say from experience that indulging in other healthy activities, certainly helps in reducing the intensity of the "Compulsive Routine", it doesn't vanish over night, but it does slow down over time. Slip-ups as Nic & Alex point out, are all part of the process. A year back I'd beat myself up when I slipped up, but it only gave me a better insight into the problem and helped me analyzed deeply the reasons behing the Slip-Ups, now my Slip-Ups have reduced, the urges are still there, But I can control them better now.

I've been through the days of Low Self-confidence and Low Self- Esteem, LE, bet all others on this Blog have, is why most people who are addicted or obsessed, blame their Introvert and Reserved nature, but believe me when I say this as you start working towards the problem and start converting your Good Intentions into Good Actions, things will start falling in place.

You'll begin to find that with every step you take, there is help, and you'll realize this only at a later stage, because right now yor mind is in an Irrational stage, as you start to Rationalize you'll figure out that it was a Bad Dream and every step you've taken towards healing yourself, is a Step Forward.

I've taken a lot of inspiration from this Blog, and so have the others, continue visiting this everyday and read through in detail stories posted by various people from diverse backgrounds, that itself will motivate you to move forward.

Good Luck...

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Yeah, I've sorta been there. I used to masturbate until I could barely move from the pain and then fall asleep only to wake up the next morning feeling like crap. Then masturbate that night. I never got scabs tho, but I think that's because I didn't use my hands. I also know that zombie feeling. I used to think I was heartless. But after looking at what I've waisted, all that I've thrown away for this few moments of pleasure. And all I got in return was guilt, guilt, and pain. I finially realized something and I think it might help you too. I realized it wasn't worth it. I saw just how much it cost me. How much it is still costing me. I realized I wanted freedom. I wanted to be free from this, all of it. I realized that I did not want porn to be a dark shadow pulling the strings in my life. Always planing around porn. Figureing out when I can sneak a few peeks here and masturbate there. I'm sick of it!

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This sounds really made up, but in case it was true, you have a deep problem in your mind and another with your dick´s health. Do it for pleasure (fucking or masturbating) but don´t do it for compulsion. Try to have a hobby where you can put your talents to use, like playing a musical instrument or making some sports or videogames, you know better. Sex is something to enjoy and you can enjoy it better if it is with a person you like that equally likes you. Go out and try to be healthy first, then meet someone and have a good time. Remember to use protection and take care.

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