I have tried so many times to stop - Martin's story

Martin shared his porn addiction experiences though my What's your story? page:

"One night on BBC2 I watched a film in which a girl stripped and that started an addiction that I have struggled with ever since.

I have tried so many times to stop yet the compulsion returns sooner or later no matter how hard I try not to stay up to watch rubbish on telly or to search for images on the web.

I am very ashamed of myself and can't get over the guilt.

My marriage has ended and I'm sure this unfaithfulness has been a contributing factor even tho my wife was not aware to my knowledge of my deceitful behaviour.

It has certainly affected my attitude to sex - makes me feel dirty and guilty.

How do you break an addiction like this?

I have a two year old son and don't want his Dad to become a dirty old pervert.

I want lead a porn free life.

The short term kick just isn't worth the long term negative result."

Firstly, thanks to Martin for sharing his fears and feelings with such honesty.

Over time, dependence on pornography certainly can impact outlook towards sex, and often in unpredictable, curious ways. Some addicts notice that they develop extreme tastes and desires, or grow increasingly preoccupied with sex and sexual objectification. This is the 'porn goggles' effect. On the other hand, some addicts find that the combination of guilt, shame, confusion and self-loathing actually turns them off sex. Their sub-conscious has become conditioned to connecting sexual feeling with these negative states, and this feels numbed by watching more porn.

Some guys experience all the above, which inevitably wreaks havoc with their relationships whether their partner is aware of the porn problem or not. Partners soon pick up on any disturbance in sexual outlook.

"I have tried so many times to stop yet the compulsion returns sooner or later no matter how hard I try not to stay up to watch rubbish on telly or to search for images on the web." It's interesting to note a psychological phenomenon called the law of reverse effect. In essence, the harder you try to stop doing something, the more likely it is to happen. Try not to think of purple elephants. Insomniacs try hard to will themselves to sleep. Porn addicts try hard to surf the internet without visiting adult sites.

I'm careful not to sound condescending here; you may have already tried various methods to stop, rather than just bottling things up or going 'cold turkey'. However, it's often useful to think about problems as having a start, middle and an end. All the personal problems we encounter have this structure, and porn addiction is no different.

You've clearly considered the start of this problem. The middle might be defined as the impact it has had on your relationship and self-esteem, and your attempts to quit the unwanted behaviour. For the end of the problem, you may find it useful to look ahead and envisage what you would like more of in your life. You want to leave porn behind, so what would you like to replace it with? More engagement with your son, more interests, improved relationships, some specific purpose? These are just general suggestions, but it's often very useful to look ahead in this way.

Finally, I would recommend a step-by-step recovery plan that will enable you to distance yourself from shame, guilt and frustration. It can be a huge relief to set these natural reactions to one side and address the problem with more positivity. You have made clear mention of long-term results, so this could be a very natural progression for you.

I wish you every success.