I have ruined my life, one day at a time - J's story
Through this piercingly honest account, J explains his relationship with pornography:
I guess the only reason I am sharing this is so people can understand how destructive pornography addiction truly is and how it can happen to anyone. Please keep the computer out of your kids room....
I've been addicted since the 5th grade when my friend and I found his Dad's magazines. I kept some magazines in my room the next few years and looked at them often. I thought it was normal. I thought I was normal. I played baseball, rode my bike, had friends I loved to spend time with.
When my family got the internet a couple of years later I began spending large amounts of time looking at porn. I thought this was normal, and even if it wasn't I had an excuse to keep doing it that is so good I haven't stopped using it to this day, at least never for long.
When I was around 13 a girl told me I was ugly. I accepted what she said with absolute certainty for some reason, and realized then and there I would never have a girlfriend, and that no one would ever want to have sex with me. While the normal kids grew up around me and started dating and having friends of the opposite gender, I didn't.
I grew more and more consumed by looking at pornography on the internet for hours on end, telling myself at least I could see other people have sex since I never would. I grew more and more angry at the world.
In the 10 or so years since, the rest of my life was slowly stripped away. I really don't have a hobby anymore. I try to do things I used to do and I can't enjoy them. I really don't have any friends. It seems like the only thing any of them want to do is go out and meet women which just makes me feel worse watching them succeed at that when I can't. I don't experience pleasure anymore. On a typical day I go to work, come home, and look at porn for several hours until I am tired. I probably have averaged at least 3 hours of pornography viewing every day for the last 5 years. The longest I've ever stopped was 30 days. Then I thought I could do it just once (since real and everything came crashing down. Back to three hours a day, and when I'm in that zone the depravity of what I'll view on the internet never ceases to amaze me - sometimes I can't get it off the screen fast enough when I'm finished masturbating. I hate myself. I don't have a soul.
My single minded purpose in life has became to have a girlfriend, like any normal guy. I honestly care about nothing else, and I haven't in a long time. If I knew that I really never get to, I'd kill myself right now without thinking twice about it. The level of obsession with sex, finding a girlfriend, "how can I fix myself and my life" is unbelievable. I can't articulate it. You wouldn't believe me. I wake up thinking about this and I go to bed thinking about it and I think about it all day and I don't ever stop. It doesn't EVER stop.
I go to work, I go to school, and I spend time with my family. The people around me don't know that I'm a shell of a person. They don't have a clue that I don't feel my life is worth living. They don't know that every smile is fake, and that I'm ALWAYS thinking about something else. They don't know that every single time they mention their significant other, or make a comment about sex, or anything that could possibly be construed as related to sex or dating, I feel a knife through my heart.
Pornography. It's exactly how I've managed to stay in exactly the same place since I was 13. It completely replaced legitimate sexuality for me. There's no way to undo it now. The only thing that numbs the pain digs me that much deeper into the hole. I could have been anything I wanted when I grew up. Instead I bounce around wherever I can fit it and walk around all day with a chorus of voices in my head that tells me I have ruined my life. I'm a 26 year old virgin and the chorus of voices tells me no woman would want to be anything more than a friend with me simply based on that, let alone my darker secret. I have ruined my life, and I did it one day at a time as I sat down in front of my computer yet again.
If I'd had a choice at 18 to live these last 8 years or just end my life right then I wouldn't have hesitated to die. The only thing that keeps me going is it always seems like it couldn't possibly last another 8 years, but the truth is I know it could.
It's so strange to have this memory of being a normal kid with a nice future ahead of him. That normal kid now wakes up everyday in his own personal version of hell.
I have no doubt that this account will convey the desolate reality of long-term porn addiction to every reader. You deliver a stark insight into how a habit can be so honestly understood and accounted for, and yet it continues to hold you in its grip of despair.
This is the double bind of addiction. As you say, the only thing that numbs the pain digs us that much deeper into the hole. Beneath layers of despair and self-loathing, we faintly recognise that there is still an element of choice in how we live. But it just feels too psychologically painful to stop doing this thing.
This isn't going to turn into a pep-talk, I hasten to add. You rightly warn about the dangers of porn, but there is no suggestion in your account that you are playing the victim-of-porn role. You have self-awareness beyond that easy routine. You acknowledge what porn has been numbing for you. No pep-talk required.
So you know that addiction is an ongoing series of daily choices, albeit compulsive choices. That repeated decision to indulge in porn feels so hollow and numbed that it seems more like instinct than choice. But the fact remains, and that just makes it feel even more self-destructive.
Of course, your 30 day abstinence from porn was driven by choice, and so was the decision to revisit. As I've discussed before, that's an experience that so many readers will relate to. After the achievement of holding out for days or weeks, the old urges conspire with our renewed confidence. We persuade ourselves that we're entitled to a treat, just one more time.
So that slim, shred of choice presents a glimmer of hope. I don't deny how impossibly remote it can seem too. We really feel like it's too late to turn this around. We feel locked down, empty and all-consumed. All the time.
Our addictions develop one small step at a time. It's an intricate, subtle process. Another website, another hour, a quick session before going to bed, just one more file to download. We ease ourselves further into this place of control, comfort and distraction. We can play this game for many years.
I find that the process of recovery is subtle too. It's step by awkward step, as we encounter both the positivity and frustrations of real-world quitting. The resolution of the problem takes as long as its formation, often with countless setbacks along the way.
An escape from this is just as possible as another 8 years. I really have witnessed it happen.
You know the areas that need work, and have made some grown up admissions there. I can see that you've had these realisations for a long time. Without sounding glib, you are potentially closer to embarking on long-term recovery than I'm sure you appreciate. I sincerely hope that in time, you are able to capitalise and build the motivation to address these issues, step by step.
I am sincerely grateful to you for contributing your valuable story. Thank you, J.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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oh my. J your story is
oh my. J your story is heartbreaking. you have my total respect and like Jason says, I truly hope you can pull yourself out. thanks so much for showing us just what porn can do. Kaz
It's amazing how something
It's amazing how something picked up as a kid/teenager can prompt such problems in later life. I can relate to something similar. I read this site but have never commented before, but this time I just had to say what a valuable piece of writing. Thanks
Wow.
Wow.
I need help. I am 17 and
I need help. I am 17 and addicted to gay porn, yes i am gay. i do not want to continue. im so scared. I've been addicted for about 1.5 years now. Help? :(
o sad story............i can
o sad story............i can feel his pain right now.......i was a porn addict myself...i know how destructive this thing is......it doesnt let you think of anything .....it breaks you slowly mentally and phsically.....porn adict find no interest in anything...they dont even like to be social....they are having some kind of fear all the time....world becomes a hell for them..........so this feeling takes them to depression........u stop believing on yourself....you feel like a criminal all d time.......in short it just destroys your life.......but here are some ways to overcome on it
1. exercise.....it really helps you in having positive thoughts.....
2. look in mirror and find the good thing about you... and say to yourself " i am a good looking guy.....i dont need to sit on my ass all day watching this garbage graphics...and go out and watch some alive people lol ( but dont imagine negative things about them lol)
3. have sincere relationshilp.......u should consider some one who understand your personality and who could take good care of you and who correct you some time if you go wrong
4.. consider to have good friends.......
5. pray to god
6. try not to be alone if you are alone then make your self busy in some thing learning new
i am sure after that your life will b normal as it was before...
Good luck
I know exactly what you're
I know exactly what you're going to. I have the same problem and now that I'm 21 I noticed I'm going on 6 years of dealing with it. Every day I end up feeling lower and lower about myself because I can't seem to get out of this rut. I don't know what to do.
I AM 37 AND GAY BUT NO ONE
I AM 37 AND GAY BUT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS .TO EVERYONE I AM A HAPPY EASY GOING PERSON WHO SEES ONLY GOOD IN ALL PEOPLE I MEET ,BUT BEHIND THIS IS A VERY LONELY SUICIDAL GUY WHO IS ADDICTED TO ONLNE GAY PORN WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH AND IS VERY SAD .I KNOW MANY ARE IN THIS POSITION AND HAVING ONE PERSON WHO I TRUST WOULD HELP SO MUCH ,BUT I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE EXCEPT MY DOG WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING AND IS A VERY PATIENT LISTENER .PERHAPS WRITING THIS WILL HELP ,I DONT KNOW .I KNOW MANY FEEL THIS WAY
we as humans cant do anything
we as humans cant do anything on our own and Christ is our strength He can give you the strength to stop and the forgiveness to heal the years of damage trust me I know your pain and i know what life is like in both circumstances
John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Have faith God sees ur pain just ask Him for help
Dood, I can hear your pain
Dood, I can hear your pain from here man! It's very intense, this problem can destroy you indeed. I am in the midst of it, trying gaining ground somedays and loosing others. It's not all win or not all loose, but I don't want to give up trying to quit. I know I can succeed, my wife and my daughter are depending on me and that's motivation enough right now. I know how dperessed and disgusted you can get at yourself, trust me I have done and said and seen some nasty stuff in my days due to this addiction. What's really being said when you say that is how gross you see yourself. I think people addicted to this stuff like us have tend to beat ourselves up for this, when we should be embracing our strides foward. 30 days without is awesome Ihavent done that in my life, although i dont spend 6 or 7 hours of day doing it, I don't have the will power yet to go 30 days. I have gone months years back but now Im too stressed and depressed to actually go that long sober.( sans porn) I applaud you for that one!!
Like someone else said here befor, go to the gym!!
I just started and Im loving it right now, getting out seeing friends is good too I see my guy friends and get out more n more to normalize my life.
cheers man, stay strong work out, run, do anything to keep yourself positive.
god bless
D
I'm addicted to porn....and
I'm addicted to porn....and trying to quit. It's hard for me because everytime i try to quit i can't stop thinking about the things i saw on porn and it just about drives me crazy! i pray to God to give me strength and courage to quit. i'm 16 yrs. old now and i play Football.
and about that guy who said exercising and workin out. Go out into the real world. thats wha i'm trying right now. Doing Football workouts for nxt year. hangin out with friends. try to go to church.
it's really hard for me to quit but I'M NOT GIVING UP!!! it'll be hard taking it one step at a time but right now i'm ready to face it! Because with GOD NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. God... take me and guide me!
jason............ that is a
jason............ that is a really heart rending story and it scared the hell out of me because i recognized an awful lot of it. I really truly feel for you. Having read it i can honestly say to you that you will get your woamen one day because you are obviously a honest, intelligent and self aware person. Like a smoker who wants to quit because he is aware of the damage he is doing, it takes more than one attempt to succeed. Its not the failing that is a sin its the not trying at all. God bless you man, please don't give up, you will succeed.
I have read through all the
I have read through all the stuff you guys wrote, i am 27 and i have also had quite a journey with this truly horrible element of modern day life. i thank God that i have been saved from this for the past two years. And it was tonight, when i was bored after a long day of work, that i started with those so called 'innocent searches' on the net, i am sure some of you guys know what i am talking about. and i found myself asking - why are you doing this? who are you bluffing? you KNOW where these searches will end up. and that is when i googled 'quit porn addiction' and i read some of these stories. and i realised that i was playing with fire. i think at the bottom of porn addiction we will all find some kind of loneliness. and i realised that i have not been serious enough with my Bible reading and study over the past few weeks. I will address this, this is the source of my loneliness, since i have a wonderful fiancee and family support system i am not lonely on an interpersonal level. to those of you who attend Church and look to God for His saving grace - you go guys! that is the only way to truly beat this thing, that is how i got to be clean for two years and that is, i believe, why i was so gracefully saved from falling again tonight. God is the only true solution. to porn, to all our problems. i will pray for those who are in the claws of this terrible monster. also - look for the signs of porn addiction in those around you
J, I feel for you. I know
J,
I feel for you. I know who might not believe that the following applies to you, but there is hope.
1. I was a quasi-virgin until 24, when I met my future wife, who is wonderful, loving and good-looking. She already had boyfriends before. It was not a problem that I was not experienced. Really, you should not think that everything is lost. 8 years later, we are still together, and still in love.
2. But sex or a girlfriend will not cure you, it will never be enough: you will still fall into depression if you don't learn to take care of yourself. Do not expect that ONE thing can change everything. That having a girlfirend will make you happy, or that being single will make you unhappy. Both ideas are wrong.
3. Quit porn, and meet people - and not for sex, for community, for caring. This is the starting point I think.
4. I am still addicted, and it consumes me. The addiction is a response to depression, and feeds the depression. It is not really sex that I am missing, but reason to respect yourself, and confidence in your ability to face life, and maybe more friends. Maybe it is the same for you. Porn is a response to anxiety, boredom and isolation, but it the main cause of anxiety, boredom and isolation.
5. You are not entitled to porn in compensation for your pain. Same as the alcoholic who drinks to forget he is alcoholic.
6. Take responsaibility. You created a lot of the current situation, you can also change it. This is no destiny. You created a large part of the problem, you can change it.
Good luck, take care of yourself, there is always hope. Helping other people is the greatest thing you can do for your happyness and self-esteem. Be good.
P
To j: Please don't give
To j:
Please don't give up. I don't know how to help you but your story is so sad because you deserve so much better. Your story is so similar to mine, except I'm older by 20 years. That should tell you that you can live.
I have not overcome my addiction, but I just came here and I have to because I too am ready to kill myself as well. The only thing that stops me is having a son that I cannot hurt or abandon.
I was a virgin for a long time like you. Except I went to deep into mexico with friends on vacation and paid a prostitute at for my first time. I was 24. Since then I've married and divorced twice, Both marriages were with women who had serious problems as well. Other than those two women I have only had sex with prostitutes. Well there was one real nasty freeby from a woman I found a bar who I was sure I probably got aids from for years. (I didn't luckily)
My life is pretty much shot to hell now. Not because I spent any money on porn, but because I've wasted my entire life looking at it, and beating off. I never had time or sexual energy for my wives, motivation to take care of my business, and finances, or do my job the best way I could. I have to say my two sons have suffered as well, but I don't know how much. I don't think they are porn addicts, but they have lacked for attention and a good role model.
I look forward to abstaining from porn and eventually getting into a healthy relationship, whatever that would look like with my history.
Please hang in there.
Jason:
Thank you for providing this site.
[...] quit porn addiction » I
[...] quit porn addiction » I have ruined my life, one day at a time - J … [...]
I relate with J's story so
I relate with J's story so much. I'm just a year younger but everything he wrote is almost exactly my life. I feel very little hope.
Well.. This will be the first
Well.. This will be the first time I've EVER discussed this matter with anyone.. As i sit here i feel myself on the verge of tears. This has all been such a huge eye opener. I've been reading about pornography addiction for a good 2 hours now.. Its sort of comforting to see im not alone.
My story is very similar to many here. It started out as innocent fascination, so no problem had ever been addressed.. until it slowly & subtly spiraled out of hand, I would find myself looking at somethings that literally made me want to kill myself seconds after.. I see myself through everybody elses eyes and it just tears me apart. My biggest fear in life is somebody finding out my darkest secrets. I pray that day never comes.
All i want is to live a normal life.. free of guilt and self loathing.
I'd love to find a nice girl and fall in love.. but at the moment im my own worst enemy, my self esteem has been absolutely shattered. i used to be a really nice witty/funny guy.. I'm quite good at hiding the crazy from everyone else, but inside lurks all consuming hatred and disgust.
I'm currently 19 years old, this has been an issue that has plagued me for atleast 11 months now, if not more.. I've tried to stop so many times.. But then I've just relapsed.. I have no idea or how to break the habit. Which is what brings me here.. i just need some guidance.. some insight.. ANYTHING.. please..
To the stories above & the unwritten.. my heart goes out to you.
I'm older but just as
I'm older but just as desperate. I have a beautiful family but live this 'other' life that they don't know about. I'm afraid and in a very dark place right now... it's day and night and through the night till all hours ... eaten alive I hate myself and am desperate for a way out and back to being the wonderful husband and father I can be
Jo your story is a
Jo your story is a heart-breaking one, but i think there's hope after all.
With all the beautiful and unlimited good things in life, it is un fair to narrow life and put it in a small box to the extent that you have no hope.I agree with some of the things you said but, let me disagree with you with one thing; giving up hope.
No, Jo there is hope.There is hope only if you allow it to be.
I am pretty certain that you have made countless attempts to stop your addiction, but have you tried everything? I mean everything to the extent you comtemplate suicide? From your story i think you havent tried everything believe me.The problem is we keep repeating the same steps we take to overcome our addiction and never think outside the box.Have you considered sexual therapy?
A group therapy will help you overcome porn addiction because it will change your attitudes to addiction itself.Trust me on that.
Common sense dictates that if one strategy fails we should look for an other until we find what works best for us.If you fail you have to get up again and gain and agian.I know this might be hard, but porn addiction is a serious problem and the measures to defeat it should be equally serious.
How would you react if you were told by your Doctor that if you drink alcohol again your life would be at risk?What are the serious steps that you will make?I know it is a different example, but what i am trying to point out here is that we should really take full responsibility of our actions and stop blaming circumstances and life in general(in your case, your friend's dad's magazines, or the girl who said you were ugly).
About the magazines, i believe they were the centre and the starting point of your whole problems at the moment, but how long do you have to dwell on them and give yourself excuses for your addictions?
Sorry to sound a bit harsh.I don't know you, and you don't know me either but i feel like sharing with you the dangers of these irrational thoughts that might make situations even worse.
About the girl who told you you were ugly, you have to remember there will always be some people in this world who enjoy putting people down and it's up to us whether we let them or not.Have we got a choice?The answer is yes.We have the choice whether to let people put us down or not.
Your looks have nothing to with porn addiction.
Let me tell my story.I am 33, faily good looking and i have no problems pulling girls in any club i go to(I know i am a bit old for clubbing now) but despite all the girls who fancy me, i still find myself surfing the net for porn for hours.
Although, i do this twice a week or sometimes twice in three weeks, i still consider myself a porn addict because of its compulsive nature and the long hours i spend watching it.
I hate myself when i do this and make decissions not to do it again but i fail and fail and fail again.But did i give up?No, and i will never ever. Giving up should not be in any one's dictionary and there's always alternatives. So, porn addiction is nothing to do with looks Jo.
Remember life is full of good things and there are countless different ways of finding the right things for us.And there is hope after all.The hope that ONE day we will beat this monster inside us and break free from this ' life threatening habit'
DAHIR
i find myself alone, even
i find myself alone, even though i have a beautiful fiance tha loves, a brand new puppy that begs for attention, a very sociable job, i find myself constantly wanting to be on line surfing the latest stuff. i find myself more and more so unataching myself from everyone and everything, feeding my hunger in every wakin hour, only to beat myself up after everytime but then repeating the same thing 20 minutes later. i know this addiction has taken hold of every aspect of my life and i have known this for several years which makes it even more frustrating, new year, new resolutions... so on and so forth, ten years on and no change. i would say that i am blessed in physical apperanced compared to most but there is a monster inside of me that makes me feel dirty ugly and diseased on the inside, my gorgeous wife would belive me to be arm candy but i feel like a walking pile of human waste. ive never really shared myself with anyone, only myslef, trying to write my own self help book but i am also my biggest distraction my biggest hurdle my biggest defeat. people say god will help you, god can save u, i dont realy believe in god, and thats not becuase of my addiction. maybe i just believe in self distruction
I feel your pain J I myself
I feel your pain J I myself am 13 a porn addict since I was 9 and it seems impossible I got caught when I was ten and I stopped for two months but then it would come back and right now it's worse than ever I look at porn and masturbate everyday sometimes three times in a day and while I look at porn I can't help but think of actually having sex. I don't really have much of anyone to talk to about it because all my friends look at it and I can't bare to see my parents the way they were the first time they caught me. I have tried several methods to get rid of my addiction but nothing has worked for even a week. I think about telling my parents or getting a psychiatrist but I'm afraid to tell anyone but my friends about trying to stop but they only encourage me to use my phone to look at porn so they can look at it and I know that it will hurt me but it's like I have two minds: my porn addicted side and my normal side but everytime my porn addicted side wins over until after I'm done which completely makes me feel alone and lost unable to stop it and I know I need help before it gets completely out of control
i know what its like to to
i know what its like to to have this happen and your not alone getting in is so easy and getting out is like taking on godzilla, but you cant give up dont listen to your freinds cause i dont and if anyone asks you just tell the truth i told the truth to my parents........well after i smashed my ipod but still it helped. dont give the devil any ground back away before its too late and if its too much for you just tell your parents to get the internet off your phone and remember if anyone asks just tell the truth trust me not being able to acess the internet is a whole crap load better than hating yourself. and pray to God he is the key to the cure another thing its best just to keep a bible on the floor or by the computer just in case. you know i actually got depressed once and just sat down to think God creates everybody for a purpose so i thought why would he create me a porn addict and then i had a calming thought the purpose, why i was here why people like me were here.... even if i never get over this addiction i want to lead others far from it and turn people like me away from it and i want you to do the same you know like me what its like and dont deny it we have a reason you have a reason dont think your worthless because now you can lead people away from this now you know what its like now you can probably stop its not my choice its yours what to do next so choose wisely
Thank you for the story and
Thank you for the story and comments.
I am a 19 year old Christian boy. I love my family and God very much and I know they do too. I always told myself I would never smoke, drink alcohol (excessively), masturbate or lust at porn. I always looked as masturbation and porn being disgusting, dirty and unpure. Right now, I don't smoke (never have, never will), I don't drink out of choice because I haven't developed a taste for it yet (but I know I will sometime socially as I get older), but I have a dangerous addiction to porn and masturbation. I know it is the devil, he has taken over my private dirty life.
My prayer life has suffered too, I haven't prayed to God for a long time. Although I love him and Jesus very much and will always believe in them very much so, I think the devil makes me fell ashamed to pray because of my addiction.
I remember exactly when I started looking at porn. It all started when I was 16, I had a really good picture of a lion as a desktop picture on my computer but my sister replaced it with something else, and I really wanted it back, so I started searching on Google so I could get it back. As I was looking at these desktop pictures of animals, I stumbled across these desktop backgrounds of suggestive pictures of attractive women in lingerie on the same site I was looking for this lion background. Then, days later I would just go on my computer and look at these models, I forgot all about the lion background.
Then, as I was looking at these pictures I found some of women where they showed their bare breasts, I would look at them for a second and then cover them with my hand as I felt ashamed. A few days later, I got used to the bare breast and was just searching for the backgrounds with women with bare breasts. Then somehow as I was searching for backgrounds I got to a softcore porn website (I still remember which one), they would have just pictures of beautiful models who were nude. I again, would cover their private parts after a second and would look at their breasts. Then surely, I started looking at the fully nude photos of attractive woman. It was just to easy to get a hold of.
This carried on and on, day after day. I got more and more used to the photos. Then I wanted more, I then started to look at softcore videos of the women masturbating, which then led me to looking at softcore lesbian pornography. Yet then, I had sometimes come across hardcore photos which I would always shut down because I thought they were filthy. Yet somehow thought softcore was alright.
As I turned 17, I was looking at softcore porn about 2 hours a day or more, while I was telling my mother I was doing homework (I was but I would skip in between homework and porn, 80% of my time was mostly porn) and as it got later and later I would have to rush my homework at the very end before I went to bed, or I would stay up a lot longer than I needed to if I hadn't looked at porn.
I then slowly started to look at hardcore porn first photos then videos. It was horrible, every time I had finished watching it I would fell a bit disgusted with myself, but the artificial pleasure would keep me going back. I had still never masturbated as I thought this was gross and I would never do it, as I looked at porn I would get more and more wet dreams, they were annoying but I preferred it over masturbation (i thought).
I noticed as was watching porn I would get a bit wet, I thought at first it was an ejaculation, but then found out it was just an accident.
The first time I ejaculated when it wasn't a wet dream, was when I was late 17, and I was lying in my bed watching an adult chat channel where I would see topless women. I started to get an erection and I would swing my penis back and forth to get it going, all of a sudden I ejaculated. It was such a rush, I did it the next day again and again.
Sooner or later I combined porn and masturbating. Now, in the last few months I have been aggressively watching porn and masturbating once I ejaculated 4 times within a day. Which I realised was no good idea.
I have never been caught, at least I never think so. Once I was looking at porn and I heard someone walking towards the door, since I was not facing the door I couldn't tell if they actually came and saw me watching porn. I didn't dare look back, I just quickly closed the window, and started doing my homework. And once I thought I closed a window, but when I was in the living room, my sister asked me "What were you doing on the computer?" I just said nothing, but she gave me a weird look and as I went back to the PC I realized the window was still minimized.
Once I got really freaked out, I was alone in my house on my PC upstairs watching some porn. And all of a sudden something was knocking on my window, I thought "O, crap!" but because it was on the second floor I thought it might be our window cleaner or something.
Every time I masturbate to porn I get a false rush just as I ejaculate, the second later I feel really bad. I never thought this would happen to me.
I have tried to quit, once I went a few weeks then I just went back. It is horrible. I have always thought "Why, if smokers know smoking is bad for them, why can't they just quit and not buy any more cigarettes?", but now I know why, a smoking addiction and porn addiction is exactly the same, they both relieve the user for a small period of time to give a false sense of hope and pleasure.
I
I'm 21 and I believe that
I'm 21 and I believe that internet porn has ruined a big part of my life. Its like you just can't stop, there's always something else, a new scene, another outfit, it doesn't matter you just can't stop looking. My time has been consumed with porn and I definitely feel like a zombie around others, I hardly ever have any input to a conversation or bring attention to myself, worst someone find out my secret. My grades at school have fallen dramatically when I should be doing homework I'm looking at porn, when I wake up the first thing that I think is porn. I'll probably have to go to therapy when I get older. One theory of mine that might of been a factor in my addiction is that my Dad has always been really silent and I never was given the sex talk from my parents.
Wow, dudes. YOu're missing
Wow, dudes. YOu're missing the point; you watch porn to get off. If you're not getting off then find something that does it for you. Porn isn't art (99% isnt) so don't waste time just viewing it like it's some novel or masterpiece.
mine is the same exact
mine is the same exact story.i am 18.the problem is not in viewing porn actually.but the problem lies in the fact that u think the reason for u being ugly is watching porn.if only u looked good(and i am sure there are many who look good and watch porn as well) u would just forget about porn naturally over time.
its like u look bad and so u dont have a girlfriend.u low your self-esteem and end up watching porn.and then u reflect that u look bad because u watch porn and hence try to get rid of it.its a never ending cycle.
quitting porn will not improve the situation..even if u completely stop lookking at porn and u look bad ull be depressed to the same level.better is to try and work ur looks and simultaneously try quitting porn.but the dawn is coming....u have been fated to suffer for and u will.one day it will be alright by itself.
Stories shared and heard were
Stories shared and heard were depressing but had some alignment with my personal experience. Personally, I am struggling with pornography but always ended up watching and masturbating over it twice a week or more. I know at the back of my mind it is a bad habit, which must be broken. I have not overcome the addiction for I think I did not want it bad enough to "recover" and become normal, purposeful & productive again. Perhaps, my mind and body are so used to porn that it has become part of me that I couldn't bear to part with. Porn had certainly took away time for more beautiful and meaningful things that I could have focused on.
Lately, I experienced fear and anxiety in life, which are manifested into giddy spells especially when I visit places with human crowds. I guess porn has taken over my self confidence and esteem as a member of the public. Perhaps, I did so much so well in private including porn addiction and self gratification that I started to fear that I would fail doing other things as well especially in the eyes of the public. Porn had begun to steal the joy in things I used to enjoy doing, and caused some damages to my psychological well being.
I think the manifestation of fear and anxiety was a result of guilt but I do not know how to break free from it. All the while, as long as I have lived, I have not been living a life for myself. I seem to be living it for my parents and for those who look up on me and my achievements. I'm just an empty shell trying to appear normal or many a times excellent in front of people I couldn't bear to let down, which I thought would be a reassurance to them for high regards and expectations they had about me. I must admit that I am not truly happy and I don't enjoy some of the things I do in life especially for the sake of others and their expectations but I pretend to be happy and normal most of the time. I gradually become very bad tempered and it had gotten worst (to the extent that it is not doing anything constructive to relationship building and to those who loved me) due to the inability to express my true self.
Frequently, I felt very remorseful after watching porn and masturbating to the extent that my heart beat increased when I tried to lied down on my bed and sleep. My neck area and the back of my head even experienced tinkling sensations, which I thought I would die of hypoxia or something terrible. I had no choice by to wake up and relax myself through deep breathings and mild stretching/ swinging to rid off those scary palpitations. Porn had started to cause some adverse change to my health, which I believe would ultimately ruin my supposed to be purposeful life. I am not sure when my life might end prematurely due to the sudden attack!
Different people may have different stories on how porn plays a part in their lives. No matter what, I don't see/ hear anything positive about it thus far, not even from those who enjoy watching it. I know this is complicated and disgusted. It has been a long time since I felt truly healthy and proud of myself. One day, I hope to wake up to my sense, abdicate from porn addition and be on the road of recovery and wellness. Hopefully, it would not be too late to change and pick up with my life with a full and fresh force all over again by then.
I hope my confession at this website would mark the start to my determination to overcome the guilt and worry that I constantly had for more than a decade. I really wish to become normal and sustain a healthy and successful life of my own!
Word for word my life has
Word for word my life has played out much like this sad story. I appear normal and trot about in a normal fashion, but I am a shell. No other site or testimonial I have ever read has ever come so close to mirroring my own life. I have abstained from those behaviors now, but it is in this period of transition I have realized just how important I made porn. I talk to girls now and hold conversations, but it is through those simple interactions that I realized I am a 24 year old boy trapped in a hellish adolesence created by porn. I dodged my friends,, avoided girls who liked me, and suffer from sexual dysfunction all because of porn. My dark passenger is with me still, and has been with me for so long that life as a normal functioning male seems impossible sometimes. To all those out there battling, keep fighting, because I know I can. It will take time, but life is long, and thankfully every minute your breathing gives you a chance to change.
This thread is a harrowing
This thread is a harrowing read, but also contains some of the most truthful and accurate accounts of porn addiction I have ever read. I certainly don't feel alone with this. Thanks
wowwww..... the accounts on
wowwww..... the accounts on this blog are stunningly real and most of it has a very strong resemblance to my own story. I will be quick to point out to J and to every other person to know that there is HOPE!!!!. I love you all and i just prayed for you all. Yet i would encourage everyone to try every tool at their disposal to quit it if they really want to.
[...] I have ruined my life,
[...] I have ruined my life, one day at a time - J’s story | quit porn … - Jason: Thank you for providing this site. Help For Depression » Blog Archive » My Husband Is Addicted To Porn says: December 6, 2008 at 7:49 pm. [...] quit porn addiction » I have ruined my life, one day at a time - J … [...] … [...]
wow i was about to look at it
wow i was about to look at it again and then i decided to read these and i changed my mindset. every time i watch porn i have to masterbate, and that in turn makes my acne flare up horribly (i know most people don't think it changes it but affects me) After i masterbate i have no energy for the next few days and i was a walking zombie from chronic masterbation from sixth grade to halfway through this year. i never could talk to girls until freshman year, but i acted like a total nice guy because i thought i was too ugly too get girls. i've cut back the masterbation from 2-3 times a day to once a week and i've gained a lot of self confidence in these last few months but my acne still flares up horribly when i do it once a week. I feel guilty and ugly and unable to connect with girls on more than a friend level and thats what drives me back to it. I have read j's story and seen the simalarities between him and me and i dont want to be driven to that point. So right now I OFFICIALLY QUIT i am going to start living my life and staying off computers NO MORE PORN NO MORE PAIN
I have the same problem as
I have the same problem as most who has visited this site. I truly hate what I've gotten myself into. I am only 14 years old but I have been addicted for almost 2 years now. It all started at school when I had learned about masturbating from some of my friends. I tried it without any porn and i learned of this wierd, pleasurable feeling. After i was finished I started to cry because i realized what I had just done and I knew it was bad. Eventually the tears stopped coming.
In that same week I was home and I was alone and bored. Then I thought of masturbating and the feeling it gave me. I decided to do it again. The snowball started to roll down the hill. For about a month I was masturbating non stop when I had the chance. At this point I had never seen porn yet so I changed my thoughts and figured that there was nothing wrong with liking this feeling.
Then I went over to my friend's house for a sleepover. You can guess what happened next. He turned on the television and turned to the porn channel. Now I had known porn was bad because I went to church and my parents had told me not to watch it. Of course, right after i was finished masturbating under the blanket I felt bad. Those feelings lasted until the morning and I thought that it was a minor sin (just this once) and I prayed for forgiveness and walked away as though nothing bad had happened.
Then, I hung out with that friend more often and every friday night I would go to his house and he would turn on porn. Sometimes I felt bad, sometimes I couldn't wait for friday night. Well eventually I stopped hanging out with that friend because we had different interests with what kind of friends we like. So I stopped watching porn for about 5 months because I not dare look at it in my own house in case i got caught. I never stopped masturbating though. I guess that was what keeped me interested when I got a psp and I soon realized I could watch it without fear of getting caught. Then I started watching hardcore on the computer when no one was home and knew how to keep just the porn sites from being on the history.
Now I know I've made a huge hole for myself.
I'm addicted, maybe not as much as J here but I fear I might be well on my way. As I try and avoid thinking bad thoughts, start rationalizing why there is nothing wrong with watching porn because I'm just another animal who likes sex. I hope I can stop doing this because I look at stories like these and I don't want to feel as bad as Jason though I already do feel bad.
I'm sorry if I have taken anyone's time that didn't want to read such a long story, but perhaps some of my thoughts could help any who is struggling as well.
1st- You have to accept that what you are fighting for is going to free you of the hell that is masturbation and pornography addiction. Know that after you have stopped for a while, you won't be watching it again
2nd- When thoughts come into your head, go to a group of friends or go for a walk or just get out of the house right away.
3rd- Even though those who are extremely addicted know that they could never tell anyone, try telling a friend or anyone you trust. It will greatly help you in your endeavors.
4th- if your like me and try and rationalize sin, remember these stories that are published on this website and those like it and see the consequences.
5th- pray even if you don't believe in God, you're gonna need as much help as you can from anyone.
6th- constantly remind yourself that viewing pornography and masturbating can lead to dire consequences. No matter if you have already dug yourself so deep into the core of the earth, if you keep digging it will get hotter. you will always be worse off than before.
I'm once again sorry for the space I have taken up typing this. remember, there is always hope as long as you are trying. As long as you are beating yourself up or wishing you were dead because of your addiction, there is still hope. I pray for you all who are trying.
let this be a lesson to you
let this be a lesson to you and many others reading this...It can take only just ONCE for a pop up of pornography picture in front your child on the computer that can ruin them for many years or if not permanently ruin their ability to work or concentrate on everyday life. Also you say your stressed out because your friends gets the girl well miracles come in small ways a lot of times the guy who didn't get all the girls ends up being the better looking guy or the guy who saved more money while going through this phase. The lord does not want good people to concentrate on trying to bed a girl or do unmoral things. The best thing concentrate on your future for now all female privates look the darn same you don't need to keep looking at porno photo's, get a grip on your self for gods sakes! Go see a counselor or an addiction counselor at a church or something...One church you can definitely turn to is a Mormon church they can help with your situation. No we are not polygamist that is just old world crap and people like to make fun of us still about it.
I'm 21 and I've known that
I'm 21 and I've known that I've had a serious probelm with internet pornography for about 3 years, although i've been using it to help me masturbate for a lot longer. everytime I go on online I eventually drift to a porn site and everytime I feel guilty afterwards.
[...] trap has been discussed
[...] trap has been discussed at length in a previous blog post. Right now, you are reaching outside of your habit and positively seeking options for change. And [...]
PORN IS POLLUTION. You are
PORN IS POLLUTION. You are not bad, it is not a sin to be vulnerable or to need 'normal' opportunity to develop. The bad people are those who gain pleasure and power (money) from exploiting the weak, and they are in control of our world. Porn is allowed by government because it makes money. Punishments for willingly being filmed in the act (lets not get semantic or waste time on grey areas) should reflect the damage that is done to millions by this particular perversion of mass media. The total damage, in my opinion, also includes those who don't feel like it's harming them, as maybe the problem is not how they feel but how their attitude towards others becomes (more) harmful. Porn is pollution but unlike pollution its not difficult to catch the culprits after it's released. It is illegal to be naked in public it's called 'indecency' They choose to be documented in HD for all to see so what's the difference? Hunt them down and send them to jail, they can get their like for like punishment inside those private walls. In that way they will have time to contemplate the true nature of the hell they have created. In a sense would be like pouring all the illegal industrial pollution straight into the family homes of the factory owners, rather than into our homes. Will people ever take back their lives from the dominant few who would act out their evil fantasies on us all in the name of freedom?
That story is like reading my
That story is like reading my whole life written out in a novel.
Once upon a time I was a really motivated enthuasiastic young man. Never had trouble with confidence and meeting girls. I played sports and was very successful as a footballer and a runner. When I was about 14 I started to feel anxious all the time and began to shy away from social situations and become more and more alone. It was just after my abusive scizofrenic father left.
I always had this fascination with porn and can remember always masterbating as far back as when I was 7 or 8 yrs old. It really does start that early. When I was in my mid teens a few of my friends were passing around porn videos and I used to borrow them. When I would get home and the coast was clear I would spend hours and hours rewinding pausing replaying scenes holding off climax for as long as I possibly could just so I could get tru the whole 3 or 4 hour tape. This became an obsession and I would make it my mission to find new porn and hide it away ensuring no one would find it. Then when I had enough of 1 video I would tell myself that this aint normal and destroy the video and throw it in the bin.
I never had trouble gettin girls and have had many many girl friends, the only thing is i have never had a long term serious 1 and I'm 31 now. This is directly a result of my porn addiction and i have developes a really low self esteem and have no self worth. I have lost all interest in any of my hobbies. I had become a really excellent guitar player in between watching porn. Now I play less and less and less. Thats because there is less time between getting new porn, it used to take weeks for a film to circulate in scool or when I was a teen. Now its all in front of my eyes at the click of a mouse.
Thats the scary part. You dont even have to walk outside your front door. You can have anything you want. I go tru phases of what type of porn I like, when I get bored of one I just type in something else. Some times I can be on from 10 oclock in the evening till 2 or 3 am. Telling myself just one more clip then I'll go to bed. Then I see something else that catches my eye and have to watch that.
Eventually when I get to bed, within 5 mins I start to masterbate and think about the scenes I have watched all night. Its a constant ever present demon from the time I wake in the morning till the time i go to bed. I even get disturbed from my sleep with the need to masterbate and cant go back to sleep until I do.
Porn is destroying a lot of ppls lives and the tru extent will not be realised for decades. Populations will start to diminish with this epidemic. From the poorest to the wealthiest this "drug" is destroying lives. I can personally vouch for that. I have tried to get help and went to an addiction councellor, maybe I was just unlucky but it seems like these councellors are just preying on the like of us. He bled me for every penny I had. Ended up paying nearly a grand and just ended up back were I started.
i hope to get off this crap and get my life back but it just seems to be every where i look, even an add on the TV can spark off the thoughts and ideas. Its so hard and lonely because I am so ashamed and embarrassed to ask enyone for help. Where can it end.
I've also read that it can change your brain completely and make you impotent and sterile? Is this through ??? i really want a family and a healthy relationship, not just drunken 1 night stands.
I want this nightmare to end today. Not tomorrow or next year, right this second.
I am 37 and have been looking
I am 37 and have been looking at porn for many years , never thought i was addicted ....even thought it was the first thing i did when i got home from work and first thing in morning ..have a high sex drive and used it to control it ...always had lots of girl friends ...and a series medium term relationships...this has moved onto Swinging sites and meeting strangers for sex under a diffferant name , even my friends joked when they found out and sometimes call me by my alter ego ...it has become so easy and must have met 30 -40 women and couples from these sites ..seems good at first , then you realise how destructive this is .. seemed like i spend my time looking for next partner and sex encounter ...i recently became depressed and had low self esteem and motivation levels dropped totally out of caracter for me , as i am a fun and social guy...its only now getting towards 40 that i relise i have wasted alot of my life on this ...and it must be an addiction ...it slowly grabs you and closes in on your life ...then before you know , time has passed you by ....I am now trying to come to terms with this and move on , before its too late , Porn leads to other more serious issues ....Joel (UK)
I feel so consumed with shame
I feel so consumed with shame it makes my want to vomit. I always feel like I'm on the verge of losing everything I have worked for. I have a business, a loving wife and children. But it just does not seem to fill the void that porn does. I have thought many times about going back in time and stopping myself from watching that first porn video. I have my lows and my highs and right now I'm in a real low.
I left the house this morning without telling anyone "goodbye" or kissing my wife and telling her "I love you". It all just feels like a lie. I have tried different things to stop but the beast within continues to rage for more. When I get into that zone I could just care less about anything or anybody. Then as soon as I have finished its like I snap back into reality, the real me sort of wakes up. I often have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror because of the guilt.
Some people will tell you that porn is "ok" that is the biggest lie in the world. It is not a guilt free pleasure!! It is more degrading for the user than the person who is featured in the porn. I find myself often wishing that I would be blinded so that I could not see it anymore or that I might lose my hands so I can't masturbate. I know how sick that sounds, but who wants to grow up to be a porn addict?
The really bad part is that I view porn at my office. During the middle of the day with a computer screen that faces the door. My door is always open and I have an office directly across the hall from mine. So I look at porn while trying to listen for footsteps in the hall so I can turn it off. I have come close to being caught many times. I have spent entire workdays for several days in a row not doing work but doing porn.
I need help and I need it fast.
im a 23 year old muslim and
im a 23 year old muslim and discovered porn at the age of 19 and at first it wasnt so bad i didnt feel guilty at all but then the frequency increases and so does the guilt. getting the internet didnt help it opened up a world of infinte possibilities and that was too enticing for me to turn down. ever since i started my life has been hell i feel god is punishing me for what im doing - not for the hell of it but to help me.
it started to make me feel like there was no way out, if i'd quit for 2 weeks it would always come back. i keep telling my self if i had a switch to turn this all off forever and i could never watch porn again... I WOULD! but there is no such switch.
i give myself pep talks thinking:
"just do it once a month thats all you need!"
"the next time you think of it go play on the ps3"
"the next time your watching it, just stop and think what your're doing"
i've said these things to myself over and over again, i've lost count.
i too have never had a girl friend, iv'e never even kissed a girl. i keep telling myself this is the reason you've never had a girlfriend, you dont deserve one!
the main reasons for me doing it:
1. boredom - if i have nothing to do all i need is one thought at would be it.
2. depression - if i've had a bad day...
3. fantasizing - .....
4. for no reason at all...i dont need to watch it but i still do (thats when i knew something was wrong).
ramadan has just passed and i didnt even think about porn for 30 days, not even a bit! i did the same things as before like go on normal websites with rude pop-ups but i just ignored them, they did nothing for me. but as soon as it ended it started all over again...
so im thinking i didnt have the need to do it for those 30 days but when it ended i felt that urge. so it was not a physical urge but a mental one that drove me to it, this gives me hope. i wish ramadan lasted all year...
i just feel that im screwed, that theres nothing i can do but hold on for a couple of weeks until the cycle starts again. i just wish i could go back and tell me not to do it for the first time.
I'm a 52-year-old Christian
I'm a 52-year-old Christian guy who has been struggling with sex addiction for 35 years. It started with magazines when I was a teen and then the movies and then VHS tapes then internet porn. Along the way I've had sex with over 400 different prostitutes, and lot of them I would honestly rate 7 to 10s in looks. Even though I wasn't a bad looking guy and had a good personality, on the inside I felt like I was inferior and would never be able to keep a girlfriend--at least not a good looking one. So, I felt I needed to do it in an illicit way becuase I didn't really believe The Lord would come through for me. It's all a lie though. It's ruined my life financially and taken a big toll physically. Many experiences of horrible demonic attacks from demonic spirits after acting out by the open door of sin. If you don't believe it, I couldn't care less. You're in spiritual darkness if you don't believe it. At my age I am so burned out on this garbage and long for a good intimate relationship with a woman. I fantasize a lot about the cute girls that liked me when I was a teen and in my 20s, and long to be able to go back and have good relationships with them. But I thought that was not possible for me, and I turned girls off as quick as I could. Rather than pursue good relationships I just wanted to go act out and do it my way by the force of sin.
I think the solution now is just to make the right choices. I'm determined to lose weight no matter what the circumstance, and it is going very well. I think porn will be the same thing. It will just be a lifestyle change. It's kind of fearful though to give up something I've been so dependent on and trust the Lord Jesus to fill my life with something He wants to do. At this point I don't even care about the girl thing. I just want to get in the will of God and spend my remaining 20 or 25 years (or however long the Lord gives me) submitted to Him. I honestly believe it will happen. I don't believe in 12-step or 5-step or that stupid 30-day "setting the captives free" site or anything like that. Sorry if my spirit is a little harsh, but I blew out tonight with a hooker for the first time in about 2 months. After I act out my spirit is greived and I'm a lot more angry and less tolerant. I become more demonized to tell you the truth. I am hopeful because I honestly believe very soon I will walk away from this forever. I just really can't get anything out of it any more. God bless you all for listening and bless you!
P.S. After I read all of your testimonies (which I was quite blessed by), I realized a lot of you have generational sin being passed down to you from your dad. That means you have proclivities towards the illicit, but it doesn't mean you can't overcome it!
Craig in Ft. Worth
Powerful stuff. I was
Powerful stuff.
I was first introduced to porn at the age of 13, and it quickly became a part of my life. Until the age of 28, it was just a secret that I kept to myself ... And one that I thought was normal and healthy. I kept porn stashed in my garage, in the HVAC vents, wherever. This was before the internet made it so easy to access porn. My wife never had a clue.
Around the age of 28, I was saved by a loving God. I wasn't really looking for Him, but he grabbed me. And at once, I realized what it meant to see sin for what it was. Before my salvation, I thought porn was healthy and fun. But after being saved, I saw that porn was designed to drain the very life from me.
I'd like to say that I kicked the habit a few months later. But sadly, I'm 45 and still struggling. 32 years. Wow. It's hard to explain how consuming and painful this addiction has been. I walk around with guilt all the time. I know that porn has prevented me from doing all of the things in life that I was created to do. I continually pray for God's forgiveness, only to relapse and pray again.
So I had the addiction for 15 years before salvation, and now 17 years after salvation. I am making progress, but it's very very difficult.
At this moment, I am several weeks into a period of sexual purity, and I am hopeful that I will make it this time. If you are compelled to do so, please pray for me.
The one thing I HAVE learned is that will power is NOT the answer to this addiction. On my own strength, I can abstain for two to three weeks - Then I relapse. I have repeated this cycle for decades (literally). I am weak, and only through God's strength can I resist this temptation. That is so counter-intuitive, that after 17 years, I still can't quite master it. But I know that I must replace my obsession with this ugly sin by focusing on God instead. His strength to conquer sin is only activated when I die to my own desires. My lust for porn will always be there, and I need to make HIS power in my life greater than my stubbornness and desire for fleshly satisfaction (2Cor12:7-9).
I'm reading my Bible, learning the nature of sin, and trying to apply what I learn. I stumble, get back up, stumble, get back up, stumble. I pray for forgiveness. I go through periods of deep depression. My wife tries to be supportive, but she has no idea what my problem is. And I know that I'm neglecting her, which makes things even worse. I sometimes feel like such a failure that I just don't want to go on any more. Then I realize that this addiction is my opportunity to die to sin, pick up my cross, and follow Christ. It's embarrassing that it's taking me so long to get with the program, but I will not quit.
My advice to anyone who is upset that they cannot overcome pornography is to give thanks that they see porn as sin. Many people do not. If God allowed you to pursue this addiction without feeling bad about it, then it would mean that he didn't care about you (Hebrews 12:7). God is patient and faithful. He is waiting for you to nail this addiction to the cross and leave it there.
-W
I feel your pain and I have
I feel your pain and I have felt that level of dispare with my porn addiction. Know this, God still loves you. He is disapointed, it pains him to see you destroy your chances for happiness but, he doesn't stop loving his children. To him you are worth it, to him, he wants you to keep trying. I read your story and immediatly prayed for you and for me, we can do it!
t
15 days. That is my current
15 days. That is my current porn free streak. I found this website 15 days ago and read the sorries of all of the people just like me who were slowly destroying our lives. I made a new vow to quit and have made it just over two weeks. It has been hard and I have been a little cranky some of the times but I have a sense of acomplishment.
I started viewing porn when I was 9 and have never really left it. I have had lots of girlfriends and now am married to a beautiful woman who feels like it is her duty to satisfy me two times a day and has for the last 9 years and still i am addicted to porn. My wife is lovely and is everything i could want in the bedroom, why do i still need porn? I am totaly addicted to large breasts, and ever sense stopping porn i now daydream about past girlfriends that had large breasts. what is my freaking problem?
My wife knows about it and I tell her when i slip up. the longest I have ever made it is about 6 months but I have to have something to keep my attention, some goal or some other thing to be addicted to, a sport or a hobby.
We are pregnant with our 4th child and this has to stop, what am i doing to my children? I put pictures up on my walpaper of them and of my family. Also of the savior. nothing works when the urge comes it is nearly unstoppabel.
I need help, i want ot reach my potential.
I knew i had hit rock bottom for me when i was sitting in the office viewing porn and masterbating when a client dropped in unexpectedly and the shock put me over the top and I came in my pants. I couldn't stand up to great him and I had to divert his attention and run to the bathroom. How stupid am i?
Hi Anonymous, Well done
Hi Anonymous,
Well done for reaching 15 days, and please don't underestimate this accomplishment. Generally speaking, the old urges and cravings tend to ebb away after 3-4 weeks. But however long they last, don't beat yourself up if you do notice your mind turning to porn. Just notice, remind yourself that you don't have to act on these old thoughts and let them pass. They can even serve as a reminder that you've come this far, and the reasons why you quit.
Porn urges can be deceptive too. It feels like we're craving to see our favourite sexual images or scenes, making us feel obsessed with sex. But below the surface, it's mostly a craving to escape; to return to an unreal zone where the stresses and responsibilities of daily life don't matter. So we're using porn as an emotional crutch, wrapped up as a sexual fix.
You're completely right about potential; nothing keeps us from achieving it like a porn habit. But in many ways, achieving and getting on in the world is scary and intimidating. It takes commitment, focus and effort. Whereas porn is convenient and lazy. It's so easy to procrastinate with porn, and tell ourselves that "if only I wasn't addicted, I could achieve...".
So keep monitoring your feelings, notice those cravings and take it easy on yourself. None of us are stupid or weak for getting into this situation, and we can all free ourselves up.
Jason
I feel like my life is just
I feel like my life is just yours but back when you were 16. I tend to look at porn because I think nobody really loves me. I can get up out of bed motivated, but by the end od school I feel sac again because nothing different happened that day.us Sure I said a few words to some girls throughout the day, but who cares? I tell myself that if I just had a nice friend who happens to be a girl, I would be happy. To an extent, that's true, but i know overtime i would want more. My life isn't really that bad, but only God knows how bad it could get.I pray that I will stop looking at porn everyday. Infact, all I'd need to do is sell my wii. Yes...if i didnt have the wii along with its internet channel, i know i would never dare to look at porn on the computer.
damn, you have inspired me to
damn, you have inspired me to stop, before it's too late.
As comforting as it is to
As comforting as it is to blame the Internet for making porn so accessible, that same Internet has created forums like this and a chance for total strangers to try and help each other.
I've learned through experience (mostly bad -- maybe that's really the best way to learn) that the deepest way to learn something is to teach it. So I'm going to try that here. Take it for what it is, leave it for what it's not. Fill in your blanks/connect your own dots/add your cliche here.
I understand why many people would view porn as sin -- but I don't think that's going to help. In fact, I think all it does is repress the urge and then in a moment of weakness, the trigger goes off and all of the pent-up resistance comes crashing back PLUS a heavy dose of guilt. The bottom line is the hill gets higher and harder to climb the next way around.
So like I said, I understand why viewing porn as sin is seemingly helpful. And while I'm not qualified to disagree with that, on a pragmatic level I'll just say, again, that I don't think it works. The intentions are good. The results...not so much.
So what's the exit? In my experience, one word: empathy.
Think of the people who appear in these movies. Think of what their lives must be like -- to 'screw on command' and have it witnessed by a bunch of strangers. There is nothing glamorous about this. It's pain.
Yeah, they smile (they're supposed to). They moan (see last bracket) and they look like they're having the time of their life.
But we all know -- we all KNOW -- that's a lie.
We can see their facial expressions, their body language. We know that this is a kind of ongoing, chronic hell. And worse, for many "non professionals," it's an experience that will haunt and define them for the rest of their (probably short and miserable) life.
We are WITNESSING that. Whenever we click a link, we send a message -- however small -- that this is 'okay.' That we want to live in a world where this kind of thing happens. We watch people have their integrity raped.
These people were children once. They had dreams. Those dreams were NOT to be told "okay, screw her" by some director in return for a few hundred dollars.
These people are someone's daughter; son. Mother. Friend. They had dreams -- some of them still might.
We may not feel that we're 'contributing' since, for example, we're not paying and so we're just innocent bystanders.
But there's really no such thing.
The next time you watch porn, put away the guilt and the sin. Instead, just imagine that one of those 'actors' was your kid, and was being slowly murdered so people like us can get off.
If you think of this and it doesn't affect you -- if it doesn't at least make you PAUSE before you launch towards the next porn portal -- then your problem is deeper than you realize.
When we lose our basic humanity, the very building blocks that make us worth being humans, what do we have left?
Good luck everyone.
To get rid of any harmful
To get rid of any harmful habit, there is a sure way. And that way is not a 'substitution' or 'cure' or 'process', but the way of philosophy, an inner dialogue and finally, resolution. Two and a quarter thousand years ago, Aristotle said - "The unexamined life is not worth living." Examine yourself, Your life, your fears and disappontments. Understand that all addictions come from feelings of inadequecy. It could be intellectual, moral, emotional.. whatever. What one needs to do is to take a step back and understand how insignificant the feelings are in the largere scale of things and then when one internalises this, accpets one's insignificance, then the inner eye wil open and the beauty of the world becoms apparent. World as it is. The shapes, the colours, the variety. And every minute becoms valuabel. When this realisation dawns upon one, whatever the supposed lack, the mind and body rush to drink from the fountain of life.. and no sould destroying addiction can then touch you again.
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