I feel abused by my husband's porn addiction - Newlywed's story

Submitted by a reader on Sun, 22/08/2010 - 17:58

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He chooses to masturbate to porn while I am home.

I’ve been with my husband for three years now. I used to see him only once a week before we moved in together (it’s been a year now). Every time that I would visit him, there would be 10-20 internet tabs open with sets of amateur girls nude pics. He would hunt down and keep up with sites that posted young ex-girlfriends. There were always amateur videos sites also. In my opinion, that is his taste, so that it makes the experience as real as it can get. So, it makes me anxious.

Aside from the tabs of tons of young girls posing nude in bathroom mirrors, he’d wake up before me to watch porn. I would silently wake up and look over at him, watching porn with the volume turned down so it wouldn’t wake me up. This has scarred me. I can’t get up in the morning, seeing him not there next to me, knowing he’s home from work, without filling with anxiety. Since we’ve moved in together, I would see him sneak out of bed, shut the bedroom door and I would get up, walk out, sometimes the computer room door would be shut, sometimes open and he would start clicking out of whatever he was doing.

He used to spend all of his prior years with porn also. Up until a month ago, he spent ALL DAY with porn. He would set up downloads; let them trickle in, thousands at a time, and when he came home from work it would be the 1st thing he would check. He would sit down, evaluating which downloads he wants to put in which folder and if he didn’t like some, he’d delete it. So, it was downloading, sorting, evaluating, previewing, view for a long time, masturbate, and restart.

He watched porn while working from home. He couldn’t do one thing at a time; porn had to also be running in the same window on his computer while he was doing other things. It was never occasional and it was never for masturbation only. He said it was a hobby and he resented me for being hurt by it. He has always said that it was never an addiction, it was just an interest.

Recently, after so many fights and long nights, he’s came to -and broken a couple agreements with me, claiming that he didn’t remember agreeing to the conditions. (i.e. – Don’t watch porn while I am home and please don’t leave evidence of it…) That, later, translated to “I can watch porn as long as she doesn’t catch me, it’s great when I get up early for work and she’s still asleep…” (Hence, my morning anxiety.) Again, we’ve come to the same agreement, I am trusting that he isn’t doing it while I am home, but it’s just worse when I’m away. I left for a day, told him to go ahead and masturbate, but don’t reignite the addiction that he magically overcame in no time. When I get back, I find out that he had been browsing porn from the moment he got home from work (browsing Google Incognito, so there were no traces of what he was doing), all the way until I got home the next day, afternoon.

Previously, he told me that he was only going to use porn to masturbate and that he just needed to do a quick job with the help of porn. This, while I was gone, proved otherwise. He had downloaded over 200 videos, lots of teen stuff, including a video “what I do when my wife is away”. (I have my ways of researching because I cannot trust him with porn, at all.) When I got back, I also saw that he had been drinking, alone, at home… which has also been a problem that he agreed with me on – no drinking alone.

I asked him about the extensive porn, he said that it was a special occasion and not an everyday thing, and that he isn’t addicted. We saw a psychiatrist and they told him “yes, that is a problem, you should see someone about it”. So, he finally sets up his appointment and says “I used to be addicted to porn, but now I’m not.” And that was the end of it. (That was before my day away, and his porn day.) I told him, since this happened, that he should bring it up with his psychiatrist next time, along with the alcohol, and he said it’s not a problem. (So, he probably won’t bring it up.)

Aside from his porn, and his addiction to thoroughly checking out women in public whenever we go out, and my huge lack of self confidence, I have another hurdle. He would rather masturbate than have sex with me. He says it’s easier, simple, no fuss, and quick. He also says that he isn’t choosing masturbation over having sex with me. “They are two different things, you have to understand that, I just prefer masturbation sometimes.” (because it’s quicker, easier, no fuss… etc. – his words) So, he chooses to masturbate before work, instead of having sex with me.

He would love to masturbate every night before bed, but he says I took that “luxury” away from him. He says that he can’t have a quickie with me because he would feel too guilty. Yeah. When masturbating over sex makes me feel even worse… is your fake guilt really that important? He still can’t agree with me that he’s choosing amateur porn and his hand over me. Because they are “two different things”. Well, when I’m home, it doesn’t feel like 2 different things. And when I’m gone, that must be an aphrodisiac because he seems to find many other things that he’d like to do instead of me, then, too.

We’ve only been married for 8 months and I feel stuck. I can’t move on with my life, I can’t further our relationship with him. Porn is like a reset button. Every time something happens, it resets me back to insecurity and fear, major distrust. After the initial agreement to slow the porn, I had reached thoughts of having children with him. Then I find out that he had been masturbating to porn while I was home again. Reset. I hate my thoughts of growing a family with him. I will be pregnant with his kid, while he’s masturbating to 18 yr olds online, or checking them out as much as possible when he passes them in public with me. Nothing is enough for him.

Yes, I love him very very much. He’s amazing to me until it comes to porn. We have sex 2-3 times a week, if lucky, but I’ve never said “no” to having sex with him. Only him to me. And, he’d rather be masturbating.

I feel abused. This is so painful. And I’m at fault, according to him. He says it’s my problem. My insecurities that have driven us to so many fights. My problems that make me so anxious about him and porn. I can’t stand it, but I have a HUGE problem with being silent about it. Half of me wants to just shut up, let him do it, and feel wretched for the rest of my life, cover up, not share my body and leave the house so he can masturbate until his penis falls off. The other half of me wants to lose weight, get out, dress slutty and get tons of attention from other men, so that I feel like the girls that my husband checks out and masturbates to. I want to feel like them. Not like me. *wipes tears* I’m 25. This shouldn’t be the end of me.

Thanks for listening, sorry for blurting everything out. But I don’t have anyone to tell this to. I have my 1st psychiatrist appointment in a couple days. I’ve waited months to get it. I hope that there will be resolution some day. I want my husband. I just can’t handle his “hobby”

ps. I guess I should add that he masturbates to really odd things because the normal stuff isn't enough anymore. Trannys, amputees, prolapses, anything really messed up, or just not natural porn. Also, he needs it on his phone and ipad, for on-the-go or in the bathroom. Once, he accidentally put porn on my ipad and I was very upset.

:(

Goodness me this is such a sad story, its heart braking. I would say its crytsal clear to me after reading your experience that its your partner who 100% definitely has a serious porn obsession (complusion).

Another very obvious aspect of this situation is that your partner is in deep deep denial that he even has a problem, this also makes trying to tackle the root causes of his problem extremely difficult. He clearly doesn't seem to see his own behaviour as odd or unusual in any way. Once again I have to tell you (sadly) that porn & denial go hand in hand, its the nature of porn usage. Porn & denial are like hand in glove, its an integral aspect of using porn.

**What ever is at the root cause of your partners porn habit it must be an emence about of real pain, it must be connected with his past history or growing up within a dysfunctional family or set of circumstances. People who have heavy porn compulsions usually have some core issue which they havent resloved.

**Your partners behaviour is extremely hurtful to you and its no surprise you feel it has crossed a boundary into finding it bordering on abusive.

**Your partner definietely needs the help of a good therapist or experience counselor. A psychiatrist may not neccessarily be the best person to help me.

**As a partner of a person who has a chronic porn problem you too would benefit from the support of a good therapist or counselor. Your partner may not be able to change but you may be able to change your relationship to him & his problem. This may well be all we can do, change ourselves in relationship the the problem at hand, in doing so we are able to see the problem in a different light or perspective.

**Sex & initimacy & trust & honesty & friendship & love are the bed rock foundations on which a good relationship is built. Sadly a chronic porn habit can have a very corrosive effect on this bed rock foundation.

**People who have a porn problem often use porn because they dont love themsleves enough, & in my opinion. You have to be able to love yourself (i.e. have a healthy narisism) before you can love another, & for that love to be reciprocated. Using porn undermines that healthy self love that healthy narsisism, using porn undermines self condifence, self esteem & self respect. Using porn frequently makes a person numb & after the numbing wears off they feel empty or just dreadful. Porn is a form of pain killer, its like an anaesthetic, its a method of avoiding difficult or painful feelings (such as anxieties or insecurities).

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Actually when a person has a chronic porn habit, the problem is often NOT the porn itself shocking as this sounds. The use of the porn may only be symptomatic, symptomatic of a deeper problem or problems. These deeper problems may be something that the person is already is aware or only partly aware, some of these problems though may be unconscious issues & there nature is obscurred at present from view. This is were the help & support of a good therapist can be invalualble at discovering the real root causes & to help the healing process.

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Clearly when a partner has become more absorbed & focused and is spending increased amounts of time on his porn habit (compulsion) to the detriment of the actual relationship. Then this is bound to feel or be experienced as a form of rejection, or abandonment, a loss of love or a loss of real intimacy. It would also call into question the ability to trust & feel secure within the relationship. YES! such feelings would be bitterly painful alone by themselves but there is something more here, it is the lack of awareness & the lack of sensitivity (consideration) to your emotional needs. Or perhaps another way to say this is that a person who has a chronic porn habit, their porn obsession becomes incredibly selfish to the exclusion of everything else, the obesssive looses sense of a wider perspective, loose touch with what should be far more important priorities in their lives, namely the needs & feelings of their own partner. Porn habits can cause such dreadful heart brake I think Jason who agree with my senitments here.

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While none of this is your fault, surely you chose to ignore signs of his behavior BEFORE you married him.

And that IS your fault.

Now, his problem is your problem.

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Hi Newlywed,

Thanks for sharing your experience, and please don't feel at all self-conscious about letting it all out here. Many of the readers here will know exactly where you are coming from.

I very much agree with the observations Alex has made. Your husband has a long-standing compulsive behaviour issue that revolves around pornography, and this will no doubt be motivated by deeper issues and insecurity. For any significant change to occur, he would need to wake up from this state of denial and there is a limit to what anyone else can do for him.

It's his defensiveness and insecurity that leads your relationship into these painful games. Porn addicts will flip from victim ("you took my luxury away") to persecutor ("I don't have the problem, you do") and you are expected to play the opposing roles. Some will even feign progress in order to get you off their backs ("I spoke to a therapist, now I'm fine"). All of these horrible games seem preferable to facing up to reality.

Top priority right now has to be your own healing, and it's good to hear that you are making plans for this. You are not the cause of this problem and you deserve support in finding a positive way forward for yourself.

Jill makes a valid point about seeing this coming before you married him, but there's no reason why this situation can't be addressed now. I have spoken to plenty of partners who put up and quietly endured this miserable scenario for many years. You don't have to do that.

I hope all of this feedback is constructive for you right now, and please do feel welcome to keep us posted.

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you are so right. i have seen his "victim" and "persecutor" sides. what i worry about is what now? how do i handle it. i will not be able to trust him around women ever.. and that has been an existing issue in our relationship.

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Hi Jill,

In response to your comments:- whilst you may be technically correct. I'm afraid life can be a whole lot more complicated than the rather monochrome picture you suggest.

When someone is in love its very hard to see the other person clearly due to all kinds of projections & emotional baggage. You may not wish to see his porn habit? you may yourself be in denial that there is actually a problem?. Perhaps naively hoping that the problem may go away or that his behavior is just a foible a quirk. Sometimes its actually very difficult through to almost impossible to read the signs. Especially if the behavior is covert not overt (may be his behavior only slowly became more overt). I think its all too easy to rush to judgment too easy to criticism another especially when we don't know all the complex or subtle details. I think your comments are a little harsh perhaps.

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Hello again,

A slightly different view on this problem is that when someone has such a chronic problem around their consumption of porn, its like they loose their wider perspective. Meaning they get so completely absorbed into porn, so attached to their porn dependency that they no longer see their own behaviour & the use of porn as abnormal. Clearly those people around that person or close to that person can see this habit as not OK! as being very inappropriate. Its the person with the porn dependency who is stuck here, NOT you!!

But what I'm also trying to say is that your feeling stuck is as a consiquence of your partners own deep sense of being stuck too, its just he cannot yet see just how deeply stuck he really is. And it is for this reason I made the earlier suggestion of counseling or therapy, however for this to work the person has to see a) they have a problem & b) be motived enough to want to deal with it i.e. face the feelings and may be make changes to their life.

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Newlywed - this is not normal and not ok. You are perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. I'm not sure what the answer is - I know what I would do. Just know that there's hope and you deserve better. You have so much ahead of you...don't listen to the world when they say you need to just get over this. No. This behavior is wrong. Like it was mentioned above, the signs were all there in the beginning - you chose not to do anything about them. But you can choose now.

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Get rid of him. I watch lots of porn maybe once a week, but I never let my wife know and never make her feel unwanted. He's a jerk.

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what can i say? its been only 32 days since our wedding (yes) and my husband sneakily watches porns and masturbates. as soon as we were back from our honeymoon - he was up till late night watching porn long after i slept. (and he tells me "baby i sleep 5 minutes after you" when the comp history has another story to tell ) so this all started , barely 14 days after our wedding. ours has been a long distance relationship for 6 years we were for together in college for 3 years before that. i confronted him the first time i saw it - he said it was to arouse him.. so that he could please me... when he in a way admitted that his pleasure , his arousal lay with the porn. anyway at the time - he said he's sorry and he wont do it. but then he started doing it & deleting the history, he would make me go to bed sooner - at night and in the afternoon, and watch porn and masturbate.most of the time he did this i would wake up but pretend to sleep because i felt i was not able to satisfy him thats y he needs to do this.

i have a severe back problem which complicates matters however despite that we have sex like 3 times a on multiple occasions. i feel lost and unwanted. he loves me a lot i know. but i can TOTALLY relate to your thoughts and how you feel. last night i cudnt bear it any more and confronted him again.. he says he loves me and did not mean to hurt me but its a habit he has and that he needs it because he is not satisfied with the sex we have because :

1. with me he comes early
2. he's anxious about hurting me / my back during sex

i was feeling better,hoping that perhaps there will be some improvement but i have read many posts.. And learned men who are this addicted to porn NEVER change,they may slow down a tad or keep it hidden from their wives but they can never give up porn. i now believe thats how he is going to be. And i do not know for how long will i be able to tolerate quietly. agree and feel exactly the way you described in every sentence. i dont want to have sex with him anymore, but hate it. hate why i have to feel lonely and unwanted because of his addiction. and now i wonder if i shud too start looking at porn and masturbate. not sure of anything. i am 26 btw, and have the whole life ahead of me. i was a virgin till our wedding and will have to spend my life that ways.

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hey i felt so sad reading your story. i cant believe your new husband is in a way blaming you for his problem. he needs porn because with you he comes too early? he sends you to bed in the afternoon so he can look at more porn? wtf!

im sorry but you might need to ditch this dude. none of this is your fault. even the back problem - im sure it complicates things sometimes but you are still having sex. this guy has obviously been seriously hooked on porn for a long time and is happy to carry on and give you a bad relationship in the process.

i dont think you need to turn to porn aswell. you just need to tell him you are out of here if the porn habit continues and mean it. i know this is hard but you are worth more!

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how can I help him?

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This seems to be a ongoing problem with alot of relationships I see. I have been married for 7 years and this had come up alot and I keep catching him and it is killing me we have no love life.

I'm In my 30's and he is In his 40's we have sex maybe once every two weeks and even when we do it's awful no love making all fake and he doesn't even enjoy it he does it just to keep me off his back. I look forward to a passionate kiss or making out but he hasnt kissed me like that since before we got married I feel mad not good enough and wanting more and also I think what is wrong with me how come I'm not sexy this hurts alot and I often cry myself to sleep but he had gotten smarter he erases the Internet better now I can't find it but I know he is doing it.

also it has gotten to a point where recently he thought he erased it on our family computer and one of my children was on it looking for some games to play thru found pic I can't even say and I had no words to say to my children what that was that was the straw that broke the camel back. I removed that computer from my home but he felt bad but he still keeps doing it on his lap top I'm stuck and don't know what to do. All I can do is pray and hope gods takes this from him before it destroys our marriage and family

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Hello, I'm sorry to hear about this and can relate. I kept catching my husband like a horrible cat and mouse game. He would feel bad for a while but deny any real problem and I always caught him once more. It is so painful and I felt totally unsexy and depressed.

My advice is to stand up to him and say it can't go on. The pictures on the family computer and the bad sex life are all signs of an addiction problem and he has to accept this. He owes it to you and his children to be a man and deal with it. Does he know you cry yourself to sleep over this? If he still refuses to wake up to the problem all you can do is leave him. It is a terrible thing but I read stories on here where the problem has gone on for 20+years.

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Tks for the reply , it's Easier said then done to leave it's not even about the money on how I would make it on my own I know I can do that , it's all about the deep love I have for him and I could never see my self without him or ever with anyone else I made a vow to love him and stand by him threw the good and bad and yes this hurts me alot and I worry now about the. New level it is going all I can do is pray for him and us !

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I can see where you are coming from on the marriage vows. I held mine sacred until I discovered my wife having an affair. At that point I divorced her. Nothign else would have made me leave.

That said, looking at porn is cheating as far as I'm concerned (always felt that way when I was looking at it) and however you class it, it is bloody disrespectful and insulting. It also destroys self esteem and any sense of intimacy and love. You must be going through hell while he is on his laptop.

Does he want to stop? Has he said he has? If he does or says he has, then put OpenDNS on your network. This will block almost all porn sites and any attempt to access them will show up on a log file. This cannot be defeated without knowing the password. If you have the password (and associated email address), then he cannot access anything without your agreement and knowledge.

You can also install Net Nanny or equivalent on his PC to block that individual machine. Furthermore, a quick google on "keyloggers" will lead you to software that you can install on any machine without the person being aware. That software will then record any keypresses made and in some softwares will also take and record screenshots at refular intervals. Sounds a little extreme, but I've used it before myself when someone didnt trust someone.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure he knows you want him to stop. Make sure he knows the pain it is causing you and how hurt you are. If he continues, then the guy doesnt love you. I know there isnt an "until he stops loving me" clause in marriage vows, but there should be. Really sucks that a person can do this to another person. Get him to read some of the partner tales here to see that his addiction is an addiction and its not victimless.

I hope things work out and that you find happiness and he starts to appreciate what he has married.

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Tks for the advice I will try all that , also I find the biggest problem is now he has a iPhone and when I get the bill I'm stocked at the amount of data he has used how do I put blocks on a iPhone? It's nice to hear advice from the other side so thank you

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If you install OpenDNS in your home, then you will block his phone when he tries to use WiFi in the house on his phone. OpenDNS blocks anything that tries to use your home internet.

I'm not sure if there is an App to block an iPhone from viewing porn etc when he is on normal 3G. Though, I think he'd get sick of it being so damn slow. I know I would. I will have a look (I'm a computer consultant, so I know techy stuff). I'll let you know if and when I find something.

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Tks he has normal unlimited on his iPhone so he doesn't acress home internet just his iPhone only that's his server tks again

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In a relationship for 5 yrs, with my man. it took awhile to figure it out, but have felt so hopeless and frustrated with his lies, and telling me basically I'm to blame, for something he won't even admit to. I have felt depressed/lonely,inadequate, etc. because he has made me feel like its "my problem" Im glad to see I'm not the only one going thru this, not that u would wish this on anyone! but I need to talk about it and find a solution to help me. We are both in our late 40's early 50's. I was in a total naive world before I met him and found out, all he is driven by is porn, something that took a long time to find out.(long story) but in hindsight, I know he has a problem that I would love to help him with ,but since he won't admit anything wrong, (just that he is a NORMAL man) and its not a problem, I know I need help dealing with it, because I am in love with him. Help!

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Hello, from a woman who had the same long standing problem with my man, it has helped alot to be able to talk about it on here. People are very understanding and give good advice.

My husband has tried placing the blame on me and there were times I believed it. I felt like I wasn't enough for him and then felt guilty for trying to take away the thing that seemed to make him happy. All the time we were growing further and further apart and I was depressed to see this happen with the man I also love, who had been so loving and close before.

I have learned that we can only help our men when they wake up and admit there is a problem, or it is like banging your head against a painful brick wall. I told my husband that I understood how men can like porn so much but had to let him know that we can't go on like this and if he carries on we are over. It hurt me so much and felt like taking a big risk but something switched and we are now able to talk about it. We still have a long way to go but I don't regret standing up to the problem.

Oh and don't accept any blame like I did. This is part of the addict denial and the problem is completely his and for him to deal with! You can help and support him but only when he realizes this!

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Tks for the quick reply I will try that and see what happens I hope it doesn't back fire In my face tks again

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my husband masterbaits in public to other women it disgust me to think that the man I have spent 17 yrs of my life with is a perv but however I do love him we have two beautiful girls together and I worry about his youngest finding out about his nasty habbit but I dont know what to do I dont want to be alone and single for the rest of my life but yes oh yes the lies one right after another then he tells one to cover up that one and so on etc.....I feel degraded and not sexy no more I can remember the days when he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me but now thats gone only when he feels its necessary to please me it hurts so bad my heart is aching I tell him but it seems like when we are intimate that his habbit just gets worse why ???? I thought that I was taking care of his sexual needs but I guess I was wrong I think everyday about this wondering is he going to get caught bc if he goes to jail everyone will know and we will loose everything house, car,my mind I am wondering should I continue to put myself through this anymore I think that 17 yrs is enough all wasted time

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Hi. Sorry no one has replied. I have only a couple of moments, so cant reply properly, but I will later this weekend.

In what way does he masturbate in public? I don tquite understand that. Are the people he is masterbating about aware that he is or does he do it near them?

The other questions you ask I will try and give my opinion on.. such as it is. If I knew all the answers I'd not be a 44 year old divorcee with kids who I see only when they want something. Anyway, hang in there, it is not your fault and I doubt you would lose your house, even if he was caught and sent to prison... but then I'm not (thankfully) an expert on this.

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I am really not sure exactly what he masterbaits to or even if hes around them but I do know that when he uses my car to say that he has to go to work but he dosen't actually go to work he goes to do his stuff and when I get into the car the next day I can actually see where he has left traces or evidence of what had really happened that night when he was supposed to be at work I get so mad at him and I can't believe that he does it in the car there have also been times when I have noticed that the semen is on the inside of his shirts on the front inside of his shirts and his shirts are long to cover so I am not exactly sure how he does it he has been caught in a store bf for exposer the lady pressed charges and I thought that he was going to go to jail for this but he turned himself in and didn't hear no more about it so I dont know what happend this time he also was charged with prostitution charges but she was an under cover cop so he ended up getting probation before judgement looking forward to talking to you again soon I never thought there was anyone with my same issues thanks again for replying to my story

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Yes you aren't alone I know how u feel I feel the same I stand by
My hubby and he has this very bad problem and I can't fix it and it's destroying our marriage and our family I love him to deal but I dont undestand if he loves me then why aren't I good enough it kills me inside so I'm sorry for your pain all I can do is pray that's my advice not too good but that's all I do

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yes I pray and often wonder why aren't my prayers answered, but I guess in reality they really are answered in a way bc I am married with 2 beautiful girls a nice suv and a nice house and I do have a wonderful husband too but he just has a horrible habbit I think the only reason I feel this way is bc he doesn't have to do this everyday and I am not sure what triggers him to act this way but when it hits him he will do everything in his power to get away and leave the house I usually try to track where hes been from the bank card transactions but lately hes been getting money out of the ATM bc I have mentioned it to him many times about why were you here or why were you there, and all he says to me is damn you act like its a crime for me to go to the mall well in my eyes yes it is you are degrading women and there privacy I have told him to think about when his 5 yr old gets older and this would happen to her or even our 17 yr old but he dosen't say nothing....I just wonder what he thinks when we are intimate is it really all me that turns him on or is it his thoughts bc I think after all these years of doing what he does best god only knows what pictures he has going on in his head I still enjoy having sex with him and he still turns me on, but only if I dont think about his issues I just have to be into him hes my man my bestfriend and my soul mate so at this point when I am thinking about loosing him makes me sick to my stomach I think I could write a book on this I think we should get togethere and write a story ladies we would make lots of money.....I just wish I had kept a book of everytime this happened to me and now after the 17 yrs I could share it with him but I dont know that this would matter he says he loves me and that he is stupid and doesn't want to loose me but there is a small part of me that thinks to myself if he loves me then how can he brake my heart over and over again and again I could never brake his heart ever...........well my friends I am tired of typing lol ttys hagd :)

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Yes it hard and after many years of marriage he would know what he is doing to us and our family , even found out yesterday that I was on this site and his reply was I'm glad I'm not like that , that shocked because I wanted to tell him he like that and worse but he is in denial and makes 101 reasons that he stressed , laid off well I told him I'm stressed also but I would never do that he thinks he has it under control we make love maybe 1-2 a month and that's awful because he isn't turned on it's just get it over with for I get of his case no kissing ever I miss that so much it's just me cranking his crank and him laying there he doesn't even get turned on any other way and then it's awful so I hate our love life his problem has robbed us of that closeness I would never cheat I love him but I feel lonely and wise he would take me into his arm and kiss me and want me and tell me he loves me he tells me he loves me but showing it would be nice so my heart hurts and then I feel bad because he tells me I stress him out more wanting sex what do I do I have so many concerns I can't even put on this site from him but I can just pray and hope for change

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I dont think its ever going to change sorry but this is the way I feel and we married them till death due us part and we will live unhappy for the rest of our lives unless we choose to leave and move on but ofcourse I dont choose to do this to him bc I love him like I said he is my bf and soul mate I will never leave him......but it really does help to talk to others who are in the same situation as we are and he did have to see a phyciatrist and it didn't work either so I dont know what else to do to help him or myself I am lost for answers I just try my hardest to deal with it whenever it happens he always tells me the truth after the episode.

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Mine only tells when he is caught and even then he still tries to denie it , so it's a battle and I walk beside him in faith and pray and do all we can do that's all we can do

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Sorry, I've been very busy with Real Life and accessing this site is difficult at the moment as I no longer have internet at my own house and i'm not sure my fiancee would appreciate me being on this site when she is around :)

Anyways, firstly, the masturbation. The reason for the stains on the inside of his shirt is because he is sitting in the car with his trousers and pants down and masturbating. When he comes, or if he is close to getting caught, then he will cover himself with his shirt. Hence the stains.

The reason he is masturbating in the car is the whole "risk of getting caught" thing. Like sex outdoors, its a turn on. You dont want to get caught, but you fantasise about how someone "might see you as you are about to come" which makes it more "exciting". Once you have come, the thrill is gone and you want to be covered up afterwards. Least, that is "normally" the case. It may be that he has crossed the line to wanting people to see him, but I dont think that is the case or he would be in more trouble.

He does need to realise that one day he will be caught and he will be proecuted and everyone, including yoru children will know what he has been doing. Maybe talking to him about this and what his kids will think about him will help him quit. I dont know, but he does need to sit back and realise that at some point he will get arrested and he will be exposed in every sense and will probably lose his job and the love of his children.

As for the prostitute, I dont know about that at all. There are many things that "make" men go to prostitutes, including wanting to carry out a fantasy that they dont think their wife will do (maybe ask him if there is any - such as outdoor sex, trust me, he'll get more of a kick from that than masturbating in the car, but it depends if you want to do that), or because its "wrong" or for a change or power kicks or numerous other reasons.

I am amazed that you are so loya, because adultery is the one thing that ended my marriage. I could put up with anything (as my vows were for life), but not that. In my view, that was the one thing that the bible said you could leave for.

Anyway, he is very lucky to have you with him, but you need to be aware that if he doesnt stop, then he will get caught and he will be locked away. How will you and your kids deal with that? You need to think about it, because it sounds like it is very likely.

I am not sure how you will get him to change but I hope you do as I would like you to be happy and him to appreciate what he has got before its too late. Talk to him and get him to snap out of his fantasy world before he ends up in a cell with a bunch of people he really doesnt want to be sharing a shower with. He needs to change his life and become who he once was while he still has a chance.

Take care

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Thank you very much this gives me a clearer mind to think with I am definitely going to share your feed back with him on this one

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